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LC breadcrumbs? A chance to get him back?


teeEFc

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I've lurked on this forum now for a little while.

 

My ex and I broke up 3 years ago. I was the dumpee.d

It hurt like hell. I was in a state of utter depression.

He and I tried to see each other, but he always kept his distance - which was really painful.

My friends encouraged me to move on. They said my ex was emotionally abusive.

 

I found someone else quickly, latched on, and got married to ease my pain. Of course, everyone around me encouraged me and I complied.

 

However, I was never over my ex!

 

So, I decided that I made a mistake after a lot of reflection on what I truly wanted and needed in my life. I guess it took marrying the wrong person to recognize this fact about what's important for my life. I separated from my husband (will be divorced shortly) and started talking to my ex.

 

We had some amazing chats over 6 months (he lives in a different place than I do now).

During our chats, he kept saying that I had to fulfill a lot of steps for him to want to consider getting back together with me. Some I could do, some I felt should take a bit more time. He was not happy about it.

 

At one point, I got really physically sick and asked him to only text me for awhile as I wasn't well.

He didn't comply and instead kept calling me. I ignored his phone calls during this time period. I literally blocked his number. I couldn't handle speaking to anyone during that time.

 

When I was well enough again, I got in touch with him.

He ended up meeting someone else during the time I was sick, but didn't tell me.

 

We chatted for a few more months, but he was growing increasingly distant.

During this time, he would tell me that I needed to 'open' up to him more and he wanted more details about my split with my ex husband etc.

 

A few weeks ago, he told me that he's got a girlfriend and he can't work on two relationships RIGHT NOW.

Then he said he wanted to be friends.

 

At first I refused. But, after reading posts on here and other sites, I read that LC is needed if you want to get back together with your ex.

So, I agreed to be friends.

But, he always sets the tone of our contacts.

 

Now: he'll send a random texts about a cartoon or something silly we both like once a week. No talking - just a very very random text.

I used to respond with witty banter. But, he'd never respond to me at all.

But, now I've decided I'll just respond in kind - with some random silly cartoon we both like.

 

Truly, I'm confused about how to proceed forward. I know if I do NC I'll be fulfilling the role of that 'distant and emotionally stunted' person he knows by going NC. So, NC might worked against me.

But, I don't want to be those comfortable slippers to help him bond with his new GF.

 

Thoughts? I am trying to keep busy and move forward but bettering myself. I can't help but feel like I've screwed up my life and I'll pay for it forever.

 

Thanks in advance to anyone who is interested in giving some advice.

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Sorry to hear this. You would be better off talking to your attorney about your divorce and enlisting the help of a therapist to help you sift through all this. Stop talking to the abusive guy.

My ex and I broke up 3 years ago. They said my ex was emotionally abusive. I separated from my husband (will be divorced shortly) and started talking to my ex. he told me that he's got a girlfriend

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I normally feel sorry for people who lack so much self worth to want to return to someone who clearly cares so little for them. But in your case, your lack of caring for the sanctity of another's union is just as jerky as his behavior. If you had a bf, how would you feel if a woman was communicating with him and had the same agenda you do--playing a psychological game to win him over?

 

You have a lot of work to do on yourself, because toxic people attract the same. Become the wonderful person you should be with therapy and you'll achieve greater results in anything you strive for.

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Thanks so much everyone for your advice and insight!

I am very torn between seeing him as emotionally abusive and blaming myself for not being a better person. I guess I keep thinking that he wasn't being emotionally abusive, but just reacting to me.

 

He texted me again something very random today in response to my text last night. I don't know why he bothers if he's making Christmas plans with his new gf.

He also just accidentally texted me what he wanted to text his new girlfriend in the last 15 minutes. It's just heartbreaking to see how he interacts with his new girlfriend. I feel that if I had just been a better person, I wouldn't be in this position right now.

 

I'm waiting my obligatory year before I can officially divorce. We are legally separated right now. Everything is above board.

 

 

I don't know how to text him back at this point

Play it cool and show I'm not affected by his accidental texts to his gf OR just not respond to him anymore.

 

Thanks again everyone for your honest opinions! I am working with a therapist right now about attachment trauma. It's a hard road.

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Talking to your attorney about the details of your divorce and enlisting the help of a therapist would serve you much better than talking to an abusive creep who has a gf. Stop using this nonsense as a distraction from the tough choices and difficult pain of divorce. This clown is not a therapist nor your attorney. You'll be terribly hurt if you stick your head in the sand and start chitchatting with someone who has a gf.

I am very torn between....

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Thanks so much everyone for your advice and insight!

I am very torn between seeing him as emotionally abusive and blaming myself for not being a better person. I guess I keep thinking that he wasn't being emotionally abusive, but just reacting to me.

 

He texted me again something very random today in response to my text last night. I don't know why he bothers if he's making Christmas plans with his new gf.

He also just accidentally texted me what he wanted to text his new girlfriend in the last 15 minutes. It's just heartbreaking to see how he interacts with his new girlfriend. I feel that if I had just been a better person, I wouldn't be in this position right now.

 

I'm waiting my obligatory year before I can officially divorce. We are legally separated right now. Everything is above board.

 

 

I don't know how to text him back at this point

Play it cool and show I'm not affected by his accidental texts to his gf OR just not respond to him anymore.

 

Thanks again everyone for your honest opinions! I am working with a therapist right now about attachment trauma. It's a hard road.

 

 

OP, I strongly suggest you google the word "triangulation". This "accidental" texting you a message supposedly meant for his girlfriend, in my opinion, was no accident at all. It is triangulation at its finest and it is absolutely a form of abuse. My advice is to block this person immediately and, as others have suggested, speak with a therapist to help in your emotional healing.

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You do realize if you are unfortunate enough to win him back, he has no conscience when it comes to sneaking around his girlfriends back and chatting up ex's and potential future entanglements. You'll lose him the same way you got him.

 

What sort of things has he asked of you to do and what are the ones you haven't yet accomplished? You realize he'll keep moving the goal posts so you'll never be successful at what he perceives to be required.

 

I am glad you are working with a therapist. Is she aware that you are still pining over someone who discarded you previously? Is she aware that your friends have labelled him abusive?

 

Lastly, why do you find it o.k. to communicate and try to win back a man who is currently in a committed relationship? It shows a lack of integrity, much like his.

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Thanks for your advice! I completely agree. I do like being by myself these days. It's just nice to do my own thing.

I just feel that this ex forced me to see the world in a different way that I wasn't open to until I realized that maybe his viewpoint on life was right and mine was wrong.

I'm living my life now the way I want it, but I know he would be one of the few people who'd really appreciate it. That's my life tragedy I guess.

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You do realize if you are unfortunate enough to win him back, he has no conscience when it comes to sneaking around his girlfriends back and chatting up ex's and potential future entanglements. You'll lose him the same way you got him.

 

What sort of things has he asked of you to do and what are the ones you haven't yet accomplished? You realize he'll keep moving the goal posts so you'll never be successful at what he perceives to be required.

 

I am glad you are working with a therapist. Is she aware that you are still pining over someone who discarded you previously? Is she aware that your friends have labelled him abusive?

 

Lastly, why do you find it o.k. to communicate and try to win back a man who is currently in a committed relationship? It shows a lack of integrity, much like his.

 

Thanks for your ideas!

 

In his mind, we're just friends. He made certain that any interactions he has with me are purely based on friendship. I complied hoping that he'll one day see that I'm doing better, working harder and becoming a more awesome version of myself. Hopefully, he might realize that all of the problems he had with me wouldn't be there and I'd be willing to work even harder towards our relationship. I'm even willing to move my career to be with him in another place. I read that starting out as friends again might help if you want to get your ex back. I don't ask for him to dump his gf. I don't acknowledge it.

 

He wanted me (at the time) to call up his relatives and friends and 'clear his name' of any potential domestic violence they might think he did. He insisted that I do this on a Monday and by that same Thursday, he told me he had a girlfriend when I had agreed to do as he asked. I initially didn't do it because I thought it was awkward to contact his relatives out of the blue and talk to them about a domestic violence issue.

 

My therapist says this guy is sick. The therapist said this guy is controlling and he'll be controlling in whatever relationship he's in. I can't see this side of him, only that I should have been a better person. He had some amazing qualities that I overlooked before.

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OP, I strongly suggest you google the word "triangulation". This "accidental" texting you a message supposedly meant for his girlfriend, in my opinion, was no accident at all. It is triangulation at its finest and it is absolutely a form of abuse. My advice is to block this person immediately and, as others have suggested, speak with a therapist to help in your emotional healing.

 

Thanks for your insight. I was wondering if it was accidental or not. He already did this once a few days ago where he texted me his plans for his gf and him to go on a vacation. He was sending her price quotes for certain dates. I guessed it was an accident because he did text me recently. I see my therapist next Monday and will speak to him about all of this again. Triangulation is very interesting. I'm doing some reading on it now.

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Thanks for your ideas!

 

In his mind, we're just friends. He made certain that any interactions he has with me are purely based on friendship.

But I'll bet my paycheck your friendly communication is a secret to his girlfriend.

You aren't just a friend if he is communicating with you behind her back. His girlfriend would know his friends.

I read that starting out as friends again might help if you want to get your ex back.

Stop reading how to get your ex back garbage. You are basically trying being his friend to manipulate the situation. Have you shared this with your therapist?

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But I'll bet my paycheck your friendly communication is a secret to his girlfriend.

You aren't just a friend if he is communicating with you behind her back. His girlfriend would know his friends.

I read that starting out as friends again might help if you want to get your ex back.

Stop reading how to get your ex back garbage. You are basically trying being his friend to manipulate the situation. Have you shared this with your therapist?

 

Yes, I did wonder that as well. I figured he requested friendship from me, so I wanted to show him that I wouldn't react like my old self (begging, pleading etc) and agree to the friendship.

 

Maybe you can help me with this a bit: I debated whether to deal with the friendship. I do want to get back together with him, but how will he know I've changed if he doesn't interact with me? Why would he think highly about me if he thinks I'm still stuck in my old habits and ways of being?

 

This is what got me thinking about remaining friends. I didn't necessarily see it as manipulation per se. What do you think is a better option for me to showcase my changes? I did tell my therapist we were talking, but when I see my therapist again I will mention this to him.

 

Thanks again for taking the time to help me out. It's hard when everything is emotional.

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When someone ends a relationship and moves on with someone else. . and they find that the person they left behind is still handing on 3 years later, he isn't going to have any respect for you.

He isn't going to respect you because you aren't being respectful to yourself.

It starts with you. You don't want someone who discards you, tries to conform you and talks to you behind their girlfriends back. He's not a catch.

Why don't you believe you deserve better??

 

Do you trust your friends and your therapist, because they've both called him out on being an abuser?

What compels you to chase after that?

 

Keep working with your therapist.

What happened in your past that is similar to this? Is there a primary relationship in your past that disappointed you or abandoned you? Because I don't think this has anything to do with this particular guy anymore.

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When someone ends a relationship and moves on with someone else. . and they find that the person they left behind is still handing on 3 years later, he isn't going to have any respect for you.

He isn't going to respect you because you aren't being respectful to yourself.

It starts with you. You don't want someone who discards you, tries to conform you and talks to you behind their girlfriends back. He's not a catch.

Why don't you believe you deserve better??

 

Do you trust your friends and your therapist, because they've both called him out on being an abuser?

What compels you to chase after that?

 

Keep working with your therapist.

What happened in your past that is similar to this? Is there a primary relationship in your past that disappointed you or abandoned you? Because I don't think this has anything to do with this particular guy anymore.

 

First off, thanks so much for investing your time into my small concerns! You are amazing for your ideas and insight.

I never thought about it the way you put it. I just figured I was showcasing my humanity by realizing what was more important in life= being an activist and helping out my community rather than working, making money and going shopping.

 

I didn't realize that maybe my actions showcased a lack of respect for myself.

Honestly, I think the crux of the matter is that somehow, I keep thinking that his controlling and abusive tendencies are all because of me, and that with someone else he would just be loving without the bs.

 

I have been told repeatedly from friends, family, work colleagues and various therapists that I'm an incredible person with a heart of gold. Most people love me to pieces. So, when everyone says he's got issues, I do believe them - but then I keep thinking he's great but I've still got so many flaws for some reason.

 

I have a terrible family background. My parents were emotionally and physically abusive and I had to counsel my mother during my father's abuse as a young child. I had to make the decision as to whether to press charges against my father. My feelings aren't acknowledged and I had/still do not have any right to yell or be upset at my parents for anything.

 

So yah, definitely there's something in my past that seeks validation with this guy.

I think my brain knows all of this, but my heart is doing something really ed up right now.

I keep thinking my life would be great and that we would laugh and enjoy each other's company so long as I stay true to my new reinvented self.

 

Again, thanks for your time. I know you don't know me, but your kindness and patience is immensely appreciated!

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So he committed domestic violence against you and you still want him back?

 

Please seek intensive therapy for abuse victims.

 

Well, he confiscated my cell phone in a heated argument. I tried to grab my phone back, he refused and we fought for my cell phone. He and I wrestled and the force of his strength pulled me to the ground where I ended up getting injured.

 

I don't know if you call that abuse? Maybe it is?

 

I told one of his friends and one of his relatives about this incident. He said that he's worried they think he's abusive.

 

However, after he met his new gf, he doesn't really care about that anymore. I dunno.

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As a side note: He did call me about 10 minutes ago just to see how I was doing. I think he believes that his latest texts about him meeting up and having a wonderful life with his new gf would be very emotionally damaging to me.

 

Internally, I am a mess. However, I picked up the phone and chatted like it was nothing. I didn't even mention the texts. I actually made an inside joke with it that he would understand.

 

I don't know if that's the right thing to do.

I know he just called out of self interest = wanted to make sure his texts didn't send me off a cliff (as they would have in the past).

 

I was trying to show maturity. I was trying to show strength.

 

But, maybe folks on here think I did the wrong thing.

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I was trying to show maturity. I was trying to show strength.

 

But, maybe folks on here think I did the wrong thing.

Maybe trying to show him something? It suggests it isn't so. You are trying to prove to him that you are strong and mature, yet your choice of words suggest you don't believe you have either.

 

You need to stop wondering or caring what he thinks. This guy doesn't not measure your value. Especially if he's abusive and cheat worthy. Why would you define yourself by what this type of guy thinks?

 

You need to start doing things for yourself. What matters is what you think of yourself.

 

It would be best if you blocked this guy entirely, create some distance and get some clarity.

 

Look, I've been in an abusive relationship (marriage) before. I understand what it's like to lose your way. You can find your way back, but you can't do it with an abusers reflection of you. You'll just continue to spiral. You are doing it now.

 

Please block him.

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Non-abusers would always walk away from a heated situation if a person annoyed them as much as you believe you annoyed your ex, even if their partner was good at instigating problems or behaved in an irritating way.

 

A non-abuser would never grab a person's phone for any reason, nor play keep away and cause injury by having his partner topple to the ground.

 

Have faith in your therapist, a trained professional who thinks your ex is "sick," and in your friends who love you and see he is abusive, as well as everyone else on this forum. You're too close to the situation and can't see above the tall stack of emotional baggage. Everyone agrees you should block him and so how about doing that, realizing your decision-making skills are faulty at the moment?

 

Even as a "friend," he's found a new way of abusing you--accidentally texting you fake messages "meant" for his gf. It's going to be years before you achieve self love and are mentally healthy enough to seek a lifetime companion who will be good for you. Picture yourself loving solo time in 2020, as it being a healthy step forward without the distractions of men. Surround yourself with girlfriends, family, and your own good company. Start a new hobby. Think of it as a romance-free sabbatical to recharge your life. Good luck.

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You're not showing him maturity or a new awesome version of yourself if you're hanging about in the wings playing virtual footsie with a guy who has a girlfriend, OP. You're showing him you have some pretty questionable character traits of your own with this type of behaviour.

 

And what's worse, you still lack the insight to see how much you're ultimately letting yourself down. You've lowered yourself to the level of ex-who-orbits and sold yourself the false narrative that it's all to prove how mature you are now. But girl, you're doing almost exactly the opposite. And all for a guy who would even have a reason in the first place to ask his ex call up family to deny abuse allegations? It's really not going to be worth it.

 

This isn't the great love story of your life. Nor is it the great tragedy. You need to stop with the self-deprecating talk or you will continue to gravitate towards guys who disrespect you. You mentioned what your therapist says about him, but what does your therapist say about you? What is his or her take on your desire to be with someone who is "sick"?

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I can only hope you are trolling. It sounds like a paperback novel. You are going on and on about this guy and ignoring your divorce.

He and I wrestled and the force of his strength pulled me to the ground where I ended up getting injured.I don't know if you call that abuse? Maybe it is? He said that he's worried they think he's abusive.
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I can only hope you are trolling. It sounds like a paperback novel. You are going on and on about this guy and ignoring your divorce.

 

Also side stepping the fact that he's ABUSIVE and in a relationship. All the OP keeps repeating is "do you think if I do this I can get him back????" Very disturbing.

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Also side stepping the fact that he's ABUSIVE and in a relationship. All the OP keeps repeating is "do you think if I do this I can get him back????" Very disturbing.

 

I can only hope you are trolling. It sounds like a paperback novel. You are going on and on about this guy and ignoring your divorce.

 

You're not showing him maturity or a new awesome version of yourself if you're hanging about in the wings playing virtual footsie with a guy who has a girlfriend, OP. You're showing him you have some pretty questionable character traits of your own with this type of behaviour.

 

And what's worse, you still lack the insight to see how much you're ultimately letting yourself down. You've lowered yourself to the level of ex-who-orbits and sold yourself the false narrative that it's all to prove how mature you are now. But girl, you're doing almost exactly the opposite. And all for a guy who would even have a reason in the first place to ask his ex call up family to deny abuse allegations? It's really not going to be worth it.

 

This isn't the great love story of your life. Nor is it the great tragedy. You need to stop with the self-deprecating talk or you will continue to gravitate towards guys who disrespect you. You mentioned what your therapist says about him, but what does your therapist say about you? What is his or her take on your desire to be with someone who is "sick"?

 

Non-abusers would always walk away from a heated situation if a person annoyed them as much as you believe you annoyed your ex, even if their partner was good at instigating problems or behaved in an irritating way.

 

A non-abuser would never grab a person's phone for any reason, nor play keep away and cause injury by having his partner topple to the ground.

 

Have faith in your therapist, a trained professional who thinks your ex is "sick," and in your friends who love you and see he is abusive, as well as everyone else on this forum. You're too close to the situation and can't see above the tall stack of emotional baggage. Everyone agrees you should block him and so how about doing that, realizing your decision-making skills are faulty at the moment?

 

Even as a "friend," he's found a new way of abusing you--accidentally texting you fake messages "meant" for his gf. It's going to be years before you achieve self love and are mentally healthy enough to seek a lifetime companion who will be good for you. Picture yourself loving solo time in 2020, as it being a healthy step forward without the distractions of men. Surround yourself with girlfriends, family, and your own good company. Start a new hobby. Think of it as a romance-free sabbatical to recharge your life. Good luck.

 

I just want to say: thank you everyone very much for taking the time to answer my queries and really give me some 'tough love' = which is why I knew it was right to come on here and speak my peace.

 

I will answer each of your prompts individually today. I just wanted to come on here and at least acknowledge everyone's effort to help give me some clarity.

I'm in the thick of feeling like garbage. My mind just wanders to all of the great qualities this guy has, and none of the negatives. I keep thinking that if only I was just too incredible for words, he would never have been controlling etc. However, a part of me knows, that a controlling person will always find a way to pick on something else.

 

My therapist definitely thinks I've got some attachment trauma that I need to work on.

 

Anyways, I look forward to answering all of your responses (even the ones that are tough to hear).

You folks are amazing. It's true what ppl say about ENA. Everyone on here is here to help, even if it can be harsh sometimes.

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