LC breadcrumbs? A chance to get him back?

[Andrina]

Non-abusers would always walk away from a heated situation if a person annoyed them as much as you believe you annoyed your ex, even if their partner was good at instigating problems or behaved in an irritating way.

A non-abuser would never grab a person's phone for any reason, nor play keep away and cause injury by having his partner topple to the ground.

Have faith in your therapist, a trained professional who thinks your ex is "sick," and in your friends who love you and see he is abusive, as well as everyone else on this forum. You're too close to the situation and can't see above the tall stack of emotional baggage. Everyone agrees you should block him and so how about doing that, realizing your decision-making skills are faulty at the moment?

Even as a "friend," he's found a new way of abusing you--accidentally texting you fake messages "meant" for his gf. It's going to be years before you achieve self love and are mentally healthy enough to seek a lifetime companion who will be good for you. Picture yourself loving solo time in 2020, as it being a healthy step forward without the distractions of men. Surround yourself with girlfriends, family, and your own good company. Start a new hobby. Think of it as a romance-free sabbatical to recharge your life. Good luck.

[MissCanuck]

You're not showing him maturity or a new awesome version of yourself if you're hanging about in the wings playing virtual footsie with a guy who has a girlfriend, OP. You're showing him you have some pretty questionable character traits of your own with this type of behaviour.

And what's worse, you still lack the insight to see how much you're ultimately letting yourself down. You've lowered yourself to the level of ex-who-orbits and sold yourself the false narrative that it's all to prove how mature you are now. But girl, you're doing almost exactly the opposite. And all for a guy who would even have a reason in the first place to ask his ex call up family to deny abuse allegations? It's really not going to be worth it.

This isn't the great love story of your life. Nor is it the great tragedy. You need to stop with the self-deprecating talk or you will continue to gravitate towards guys who disrespect you. You mentioned what your therapist says about him, but what does your therapist say about you? What is his or her take on your desire to be with someone who is "sick"?

[Wiseman2]

I can only hope you are trolling. It sounds like a paperback novel. You are going on and on about this guy and ignoring your divorce.

He and I wrestled and the force of his strength pulled me to the ground where I ended up getting injured.I don't know if you call that abuse? Maybe it is? He said that he's worried they think he's abusive.

[boltnrun]

I can only hope you are trolling. It sounds like a paperback novel. You are going on and on about this guy and ignoring your divorce.

Also side stepping the fact that he's ABUSIVE and in a relationship. All the OP keeps repeating is "do you think if I do this I can get him back????" Very disturbing.

[teeEFc]

Also side stepping the fact that he's ABUSIVE and in a relationship. All the OP keeps repeating is "do you think if I do this I can get him back????" Very disturbing.

I can only hope you are trolling. It sounds like a paperback novel. You are going on and on about this guy and ignoring your divorce.

You're not showing him maturity or a new awesome version of yourself if you're hanging about in the wings playing virtual footsie with a guy who has a girlfriend, OP. You're showing him you have some pretty questionable character traits of your own with this type of behaviour.

And what's worse, you still lack the insight to see how much you're ultimately letting yourself down. You've lowered yourself to the level of ex-who-orbits and sold yourself the false narrative that it's all to prove how mature you are now. But girl, you're doing almost exactly the opposite. And all for a guy who would even have a reason in the first place to ask his ex call up family to deny abuse allegations? It's really not going to be worth it.

This isn't the great love story of your life. Nor is it the great tragedy. You need to stop with the self-deprecating talk or you will continue to gravitate towards guys who disrespect you. You mentioned what your therapist says about him, but what does your therapist say about you? What is his or her take on your desire to be with someone who is "sick"?

Non-abusers would always walk away from a heated situation if a person annoyed them as much as you believe you annoyed your ex, even if their partner was good at instigating problems or behaved in an irritating way.

A non-abuser would never grab a person's phone for any reason, nor play keep away and cause injury by having his partner topple to the ground.

Have faith in your therapist, a trained professional who thinks your ex is "sick," and in your friends who love you and see he is abusive, as well as everyone else on this forum. You're too close to the situation and can't see above the tall stack of emotional baggage. Everyone agrees you should block him and so how about doing that, realizing your decision-making skills are faulty at the moment?

Even as a "friend," he's found a new way of abusing you--accidentally texting you fake messages "meant" for his gf. It's going to be years before you achieve self love and are mentally healthy enough to seek a lifetime companion who will be good for you. Picture yourself loving solo time in 2020, as it being a healthy step forward without the distractions of men. Surround yourself with girlfriends, family, and your own good company. Start a new hobby. Think of it as a romance-free sabbatical to recharge your life. Good luck.

I just want to say: thank you everyone very much for taking the time to answer my queries and really give me some 'tough love' = which is why I knew it was right to come on here and speak my peace.

I will answer each of your prompts individually today. I just wanted to come on here and at least acknowledge everyone's effort to help give me some clarity.
I'm in the thick of feeling like garbage. My mind just wanders to all of the great qualities this guy has, and none of the negatives. I keep thinking that if only I was just too incredible for words, he would never have been controlling etc. However, a part of me knows, that a controlling person will always find a way to pick on something else.

My therapist definitely thinks I've got some attachment trauma that I need to work on.

Anyways, I look forward to answering all of your responses (even the ones that are tough to hear).
You folks are amazing. It's true what ppl say about ENA. Everyone on here is here to help, even if it can be harsh sometimes.

[Wiseman2]

Why not deal with your divorce? Hopefully you are not wasting precious therapy hours and dollars on this old turd,💩 but on yourself and your current divorce.

For example do you live alone now? How is the divorce coming along legally? How are the finances, etc? You are idealizing and romanticizing to avoid your current reality. Discuss that in therapy, for example.

My therapist definitely thinks I've got some attachment trauma that I need to work on.

[teeEFc]

Why not deal with your divorce? Hopefully you are not wasting precious therapy hours and dollars on this old turd,💩 but on yourself and your current divorce.

For example do you live alone now? How is the divorce coming along legally? How are the finances, etc? You are idealizing and romanticizing to avoid your current reality. Discuss that in therapy, for example.

Thanks for your comment!

I live alone. We weren't married for very long. No entanglement with finances.
My exH wants to still work it out - hence the yr separation.

This is going to sound a bit odd, but I feel like everyone who is advising me that this guy is controlling might be trying to be nice to me and not tell me that I'm the cause of everything. I insisted on this in therapy, and my therapist kept telling me no.

How do you figure I'm romanticizing and idealizing things? Despite his problems, maybe there's no one else who would do kind things for their spouse and think about them? I'm usually a completely rational person (work, friends, volunteer colleagues, strangers etc etc) but I just can't quit beating myself up over this one guy.

I'm not asking to be cheeky - I truly appreciate your insights. I think the more I hear from people who don't know me, the better I can start to objectively see things. You have been wonderful with your patience in trying to answer me!

I desperately want to stop beating the dead horse. Too many productive hours are consumed with reading internet articles etc etc.
I think reading his text messages to his new GF really hurt me in an unexpected way. And the fact that he called me afterwards with such a nonchalant attitude was equally as hurtful to me.

I guess my brain just keeps thinking: My goodness, he's found the golden goose of women and is making xmas plans with her. Why am I not good enough? What does this person have that can capture his heart so well compared to me? I was willing to change everything about who I am and what I believe in happily as I see the error of my ways. - this is probably crazy talking territory (I know) :(

[teeEFc]

Non-abusers would always walk away from a heated situation if a person annoyed them as much as you believe you annoyed your ex, even if their partner was good at instigating problems or behaved in an irritating way.

A non-abuser would never grab a person's phone for any reason, nor play keep away and cause injury by having his partner topple to the ground.

Have faith in your therapist, a trained professional who thinks your ex is "sick," and in your friends who love you and see he is abusive, as well as everyone else on this forum. You're too close to the situation and can't see above the tall stack of emotional baggage. Everyone agrees you should block him and so how about doing that, realizing your decision-making skills are faulty at the moment?

Even as a "friend," he's found a new way of abusing you--accidentally texting you fake messages "meant" for his gf. It's going to be years before you achieve self love and are mentally healthy enough to seek a lifetime companion who will be good for you. Picture yourself loving solo time in 2020, as it being a healthy step forward without the distractions of men. Surround yourself with girlfriends, family, and your own good company. Start a new hobby. Think of it as a romance-free sabbatical to recharge your life. Good luck.

Thanks for your continued interest in my situation.
I must say, your words are also slowly making an impact on me. Especially when you address how a non-abuser would react in a similar situation. I always think it's my fault and that I brought that out in him during our break up. He would never do that to another girl (or so I think).

I don't think I'll hear from him again anyways. I think he was embarrassed about his texts to me (hence the phone call), so I suspect that'll be the last time I hear from him. My friends believe this was a curb your enthusiasm 'accidental on purpose' text - especially since he did this twice to me now in the span of a week (first time he showed his plans with his gf to go on a vacation and the cost of those dates).

I have started learning to play bass guitar, I'll be doing my masters in January, aiming for some type of body composition competition in March or May, joined a nice national volunteer organization where I've got a decent role and I'm slowly trying to learn French. I'm doing as you said = trying to recharge my life. I initially did it as a way to make myself perfect for this guy (thinking what would the perfect girl be like - smart, witty, beautiful, talented etc. and I tried my best to pursue the tenants of that perfect girl), however, I'm doing these things now because I'm actually really excited about them on their own merits and not for this guy.

Thanks for your advice again. It means a lot to me.