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Thread: Not ready for marriage, not ready with me?

  1. #1

    Not ready for marriage, not ready with me?

    My relationship is definitely a complicated one, we met last January while I was traveling for work, I would arrange my schedule to see him for least a day or two as often as possible and took all my vacation time to visit him. In January we decided that my traveling was putting too much strain on the relationship and he needed help with his two young boys. So we decided that I should quit my job, which I did. In doing so we had planned to get married to start our life together and to avoid any visa complications which gave us a 5 month timeline.
    We got all the necessary paperwork ready and plans in place we were just waiting for the courts to open as they were closed for the pandemic.
    The courts opened again and every time I mentioned the wedding he completely ignored me. Eventually I got so upset that he said he feels rushed and that Iím forcing a wedding. This completely destroyed me. I thought he wanted to marry me, I thought the whole reason we were doing this was to build a life together, now I just feel like I was a free babysitter, maid and cook for him.
    Due to his decision I have to now leave the country with no job and no money (I used everything to support his poor finances) and honestly I just feel stupid.
    He says he doesnít want to break up but how can I be ok with someone who cares so little about what this would mean to me

  2. #2
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    Originally Posted by Lifesabeach
    now I just feel like I was a free babysitter, maid and cook for him.

    He says he doesnít want to break up but how can I be ok with someone who cares so little about what this would mean to me
    I'm so sorry for what you're going through OP. It was a mistake to quit your job before getting married. Now you see who he is and of course he doesn't want to break up because it's not always this easy to find a free babysitter, maid and cook that comes with sex and financial support. Write him off, get a job when you can and go back to live your life for yourself.

  3. #3
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    OP, my advice to you is to cut your losses pronto and to make a plan for yourself and your future as you head back to your country.

    The important thing to learn from this is that you were in a relationship with a User. The relationship was always a one-way street straight from the beginning. You were the only one who was investing time, money, and work into the relationship. The guy you were with sat back and did nothing, really. He never traveled to see you, he allowed you to support him financially, and he had you cooking, cleaning, and babysitting for him. What effort did he ever make, on his end? None that I can see.

    In future, don't get into a relationship which is so obviously one-sided. A good relationship should be an equal partnership in which both sides are making contributions.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    Of course he doesn't want to break up. Free help is hard to find.

    Please get whatever you have left of your funds and go back home. Get a job, get your life back on track. Check to see if maybe you can get your old job back. There is no way around the fact that this was a colossal mistake on your part and one I hope you'll never repeat again. Never again quit your life because some guy needs a maid and a babysitter. Never get ahead of yourself and start playing wifey to a user and a loser who needs to be mothered.

    As my great grandmother and all the other women in my family drilled into my head since I was a child, never ever depend on a man for money. Always have your own means, your own job, your own life, and your own resources and when it comes to relationships, look for an equal partner who wants to share a life, not usurp it.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member Jibralta's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Lifesabeach
    So we decided that I should quit my job, which I did. In doing so we had planned to get married to start our life together and to avoid any visa complications which gave us a 5 month timeline.
    Oh no, bad move!

    Originally Posted by Lifesabeach
    He says he doesnít want to break up but how can I be ok with someone who cares so little about what this would mean to me
    You can't be ok with someone like that. Don't make a bad decision worse by sticking with him!

  7. #6
    Forum Supporter ~Seraphim ~'s Avatar
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    It will be difficult I am sure but cut your losses and run.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member Lambert's Avatar
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    I have to agree with the others. Get out of this situation asap. I'm sorry you invested so much in a user.

    You're going to feel bad about this for a time and its going to take a lot to get yourself back on your feet.

    Do you have any family or friends that can help you get back to your home country? Maybe stay with them for awhile?

    I would secretly plan my exit and just leave his user ass.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Doesn't sound like a nice guy or one who seems in the right frame of mind. How recently has he been separated or divorced from his wife if he's been married (the mother of his kids)?

    I agree with the others. Cut your losses now and start picking up the pieces. It's better that you never married, as terrible as that might sound. Imagine if you had married this person and he didn't treat the commitment as seriously as you might have.

    There's a lot to process and accept here. Take a time out and start rebuilding. Is there any way your previous employer will re-hire you? You quit in January which is when the pandemic wasn't at full tilt just yet. Are you able to contact your previous employer or have those bridges been burned, so to speak? The lockdowns and quarantines are just lifting slowly now. I think it's worth a shot if you don't feel uncomfortable about it.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Be thankful you can get away from him and move back home. What type of visa complications? Sorry to say he used you as slave labor.
    Originally Posted by Lifesabeach
    we decided that I should quit my job. In doing so we had planned to get married to start our life together and to avoid any visa complications which gave us a 5 month timeline. he said he feels rushed and that Iím forcing a wedding. I just feel like I was a free babysitter, maid and cook for him. Due to his decision I have to now leave the country with no job and no money

  11. #10
    Platinum Member itsallgrand's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by DancingFool
    As my great grandmother and all the other women in my family drilled into my head since I was a child, never ever depend on a man for money. Always have your own means, your own job, your own life, and your own resources and when it comes to relationships, look for an equal partner who wants to share a life, not usurp it.
    This a million times over.

    Also wondering why the huge rush to get married when you only met this guy in January? Are you looking for a way out of your country?

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