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Thread: I donít know.

  1. #1

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    I donít know.

    This isnít for advice, just needing to vent like my other post. I really donít have anyone to talk to or who cares to listen about my problems.

    I feel alone in my relationship, honestly have for some time. Before any of you say ďhave you discussed this with your partnerĒ, I sure have. Plenty of times. And it never fails that he responds with ďIím sorry you feel that way. I know this isnít major, but little things such as he never ďremembers ď anything I tell him even though it was less than 4 hours ago that I said it. Itís not that he doesnít remember, he honestly doesnít care. For example i tell him I have to work tomorrow, and a few hours later heíll say ďdo you work tomorrow ?Ē.. and I canít help but feel bitter that he never fckin listens to me. Itís gotten to the point that I feel alone In this relationship. He rarely pays any attention to me; heís always watching fckin tv; yeah I know ďatleast I have someone who stays homeĒ. Yeah, right. I feel like thereís no excitement in our relationship. Like is this what ďlong termĒ is? Oh and let me speak my mind when I feel certain ways around him, it never fails that what Iím saying is not true, let him tell it. I honestly dk what to do. I donít want to part ways but I always feel like Iím in this alone anyways so would I really be missing anything? I rarely wear makeup anymore , not because Iíve gotten comfortable, but because I sweat way too much and donít feel itís necessary to sweat my makeup off (might be too much info) but my face is constantly sweaty, but when I do dress up like today I decide to wear makeup to work.. no compliment or anything. Never any compliment unless I say ďyou didnít even notice my hair or makeupĒ. The only thing that made my day today was the elementary school little boy next door who said ďyou look very pretty todayĒ.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member melancholy123's Avatar
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    Hmmm...my husband has a lousy memory, it wasnt great when he was in his 20s and now that he's older it's even worse. I can tell him something and a short while later he'll say the same thing, not realizing I already said it. I deal with this every day. It's like he isnt listening or it goes in one ear and out the other. I totally get your frustration. We can have great talks on many subjects, he's actually a really nice person, it's just his memory is awful. I have no answers for you other than try to get used to it if that's how he really is, or if it's too much you may have to move on. Seems rather drastic, but if it gets to you too much that may be your only answer to end the frustration.

    When I had my ears pierced for the first time in my life, about 20 yrs ago, he never noticed. About TWO years later, my son who didnt live at home, was visiting and he said - oh you got your ears pierced! Husband whips his head around and looking surprised says - wow when did you do that? Later on I got another set of piercings in my ears, son noticed about 6 months later, once again husband had no idea! That kind of stuff doesnt make me mad at all because that's just how he is. Not worth getting angry over.

    I'm very observant and have an excellent memory, so husband is pretty much the total opposite, yet he has a terrific memory for old movies and anything to do with cars.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    Mine is the same when it comes to everyday. I'll tell him that we're going to our Daughter's for dinner tomorrow and when tomorrow comes, he says "what are our plans for today?" lol Yet when it comes to naming that tune or band or anything to do with a movie, he can name it before anyone.

    I don't think your hubby's memory is the crux of your discontent, NYQueen. I think it may go deeper than that and you need to communicate how his lack of interest in you makes you feel. Get to the crux of the matter and see if he's sussed to start making you feel valued again.

  4. #4
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    If he is asking if you are working tomorrow then surely that means you are a shift worker , right?
    Iím a shift worker and struggle to remember my own shifts , I certainly would not expect another to remember them.
    He has got 3 kids schedules to remember as well as his own.
    When I lived with an ex who was not a shift worker , I used to either write on a calendar my shifts or send him a photo of my roster.
    Just to that and thatís that problem solved.

    You might need to look into makeup that is used in theatre etc. It is resistant to sweat pretty much. When I was bridesmaid for my sister in a particularly hot and humid country thatís the make up we used so that it stays put.

    Itís not a bad thing that he didnít comment on your make up and have you ever thought that perhaps he thinks you look prettier without it??? A lot of men do!!

    When he is watching TV , I assume his downtime , what are you doing?
    What do you like to do in your downtime? And do you ask him to join you?

    I know you didnít ask for advice but it sounds like you need some. Because resentment doesnít go away just by writing it down.

    You have a lot of resentment but Iím just not sure why? You didnít say why in your post , you just talked about things that others would let slip.

    What is the issue??

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  6. #5
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    If you feel this alone and unseen in your relationship, and you have already talked to him and nothing has changed, then you need to ask yourself what you are still doing there and what you expect to change

    You can sit and stew and let the resentment mount, or you can vote with your feet.

  7. #6
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    Originally Posted by MissCanuck
    If you feel this alone and unseen in your relationship, and you have already talked to him and nothing has changed, then you need to ask yourself what you are still doing there and what you expect to change

    You can sit and stew and let the resentment mount, or you can vote with your feet.
    Yes this. I think you trust yourself and if it was a bad short term memory and he cared he'd apologize and remind you about his bad memory. I write everything down -I like lists -I very often email or text my husband with schedule stuff so we don't have to have those routine conversations and he has it in writing to refer to. I actually have a very good memory but I have such a busy life of minutae with our son that honestly my daily post-it list contains the most mundane stuff like "water bottle" or "earbuds" because if I forget either my workout suffers and "snack" because even though it's every school day I don't want my kid to starve lol. And truthfully my husband will tell me stuff late at night when I'm fried and I tell him not to tell me right then -I won't retain it as well.

    But it's about intention. A person with good intentions, with caring intentions -will let you know when he cannot listen to you or retain because of whatever is going on (my husband will say "hold on - I have to respond to this email") and unless you are an incredibly needy, self-absorbed person you will accept the person's flaws and feel cared for. If you don't feel cared for at the core of things, that's the real issue.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Why focus around his every word and action? If you know you have to work or look nice why do you need his input? Rather than vent aimlessly, make an appointment for yourself privately and confidentially for some short term therapy to discuss what's happening and get some practical tips on how to deal with his indifference and your frustration.

    Spinning your wheels like this by "venting" isn't going to help. Unfortunately you sound annoyed and frustrated and that's not a good place to be.

    Consider mixing things up. Get out there. Take some classes or courses. Go out with friends and family more. Join some groups or clubs, volunteer. Be much more independent. Stop weighing things through his responses or attention or lack thereof.

    When you do this, you won't be hyper-focused on his tv watching, stupid questions or begging for compliments. Stop being a fixture that just talks at people who then start tuning you out. Start being different and interesting. That will make people notice you more than sarcasm and rancor.
    Originally Posted by NYCqueen
    I canít help but feel bitter that he never fckin listens to me. Itís gotten to the point that I feel alone In this relationship. He rarely pays any attention to me; heís always watching fckin tv. Never any compliment unless I say ďyou didnít even notice my hair or makeupĒ.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by NYCqueen
    I donít want to part ways but I always feel like Iím in this alone anyways so would I really be missing anything?
    I know you're just venting and not looking for advice. I just have to say that I'm fairly certain this person has checked out. Someone with Olympic strength self-esteem would still feel neglected and unheard in a relationship like this and it would wear anyone down. If you've both ruled out any health concerns (loss of memory, medical health issues, mental health issues), there's a high likelihood that this person has checked out. If it hasn't always been this way and he was different at the start, he's checked out.

    If it HAS always been this way, it may also be difference in culture/upbringing. I've dated different people over the years: some were controlling about what I wore and things I liked, others had totally no comment (maybe not attentive enough/maybe decided to express little opinion) and thankfully, I met my husband who's attentive and loving (you could say extreme attention to detail but positive and loving/kind).

    I think the best kinds of relationships (to me) are ones that are loving/attentive/kind/good attention to detail and fearless. I like people who speak their mind especially those closest to me so, no, I wouldn't be able to deal with someone who doesn't communicate much either by choice or because it's not that person's personality.

    Kids are so great sometimes. I'm glad the little boy made you smile!

  10. #9
    Platinum Member smackie9's Avatar
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    Just start living life for yourself. Donít wait for him to give you one. Get together with some workers after work for a meal, socialize, go out dancing with a few girl friends, join a gym, take a zoomba class, or invite people over for a bbq/ cocktail party, have a board game wine night. Find fun stuff to do. Once he sees you getting out being active, it will get his attention. You know what is happening to you happens to a lot of couples. Things get stale and you start to drift apart. If you get busy doing things for yourself things should change. Itís worth a try rather than sitting around feeling worthless.

    As for makeup, there are medicated mineral powder foundations you can use.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    I'm sorry you're experiencing this very bad time, NYCqueen.

    I hope you can exit your toxic, dysfunctional relationship somehow.

    That was nice of the little boy to say. Children are so honest.


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