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Thread: Struggling Immensely Due to my abusive dark past

  1. #11
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Louieknott
    While I could rebuild a life without my wife... i could not live a life without my daughter. I am concerned that my wife (and her family) may try to take my little girl away from me. My wife and kid are my entire life. I don't really have many friends (except her school friends parents). I am concerned and my entire life is hanging on by a string.
    You should have yourself armed with a therapist and a family law attorney *before everything hits the fan.
    At least you will be one step ahead and it could be seen as be proof of your commitment.
    Rather than waiting for the other side to arm up and put you at a disadvantage.
    Proactive therapy is much better than court appointed.
    Plus they will advise you and support you on what to do. Don't try to navigate this without help.

  2. #12
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Louieknott
    My life is currently in a major state of uncertainty due to my actions of nearly 30 years ago. I want to apologize for my thoughts being scrambled, but this is how I have been feeling.

    I sexually molested my sister roughly 30 years ago numerous times over about 4-5 years. Until 3 years ago, we actually had a decent relationship. Her daughter turned 10 and people started commenting on how much her daughter looked like her. This caused my sister MAJOR trauma. She believes that she is currently experienced PTSD. Approximately 2 years ago, she made me tell my mother what I did to her so many years ago as a child. My sister (rightfully so) wants nothing to do with me. I have offered to attend counselling with her and wrote her a letter that I don't believe to this day that she has read. I am not asking for forgiveness as I can't forgive myself, so how could she ever forgive me?

    I have NO attraction or sexual interest in minors. I have not had any inappropriate or non-consensual sex in the 30 years since.

    At this point, my immediate family, Mom, Brother and Brother-in-law are aware of the despicable things that i have done. There was one other girl that I molested over 35 years ago, whom I told my wife about ~7 years ago. She asked if there was anyone else, but I could not tell her about my sister for 2 reasons... 1 - I couldn't "out her" as to my knowledge she had not told anyone... even her husband of 15+ years. 2 - given the seriousness of this abuse, my wife likely would have left me at that point.

    My marriage is struggling as I haven't been as supportive of my wife as I need to be. I have an addictive personality and tend to get focused on the wrong things... Video games and I am a reformed alcoholic (former ever day drinker) to someone that drinks 5-6 times a year. I have always put my families (Brother, Mother and Sister) needs before my wifes. This has caused major issues and fights throughout our 15 year marriage.

    My fear is that if this catastrophic news comes out about my past that my wife will leave me and I will lose the ability to see my 8 year old daughter who means the world to me! I am concerned that if my wife finds out that she will keep my daughter from me. I do my best as a father for her and only want to keep her safe. She is in a safer place living with me every day than she would be without me.

    The relationship with my sister is non-existant, and likely will remain that way forever. The relationship with my mother is very strained as she is also traumatized by the repulsive choices that I made nearly 30 years ago. My Brother doesn't know what to think... he has kids and is concerned.

    I want to reiterate that I have NO sexual desire for kids. I did this as a minor roughly 30 years ago and I am extremely regretful of all of the pain that I caused.

    I am not looking for sympathy, but have no idea how to talk to someone about this. Please don't tell me I am a despicable piece of .. I already know that, I am seeking help/advice.

    TIA

    Louie
    It seems like your marriage is past salvaging at this point if you are fighting about miscellaneous topics and your addictive personality. You're so stressed out that you're worrying about this one piece of knowledge that your wife doesn't seem to know about and the situation seemed to have escalated between you and your sister (with your mother's knowledge) two years ago. This isn't even new news. Things seem at boiling point and the one thing you're worried about isn't even on the table for discussion between your wife and you.

    I'm not sure why you believe your daughter is in a safer place living with you than she would be without you. If you do have your daughter's interest at heart, wouldn't you be open to different viewpoints (including your wife's or a judge's)?

    I'm very sorry but I don't think this is looking very good for you. I agree with the other members on therapy on your own and speak with a lawyer about your rights and what to do in the event of a separation.

  3. #13
    Platinum Member shellyf62's Avatar
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    If I was your Sister I would have told your Wife immediately.
    I would have tried to protect your Daughter at all costs.
    I dont believe you wont/havent done this since

  4. #14
    Silver Member MirrorKnight's Avatar
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    I'm not sure why this has not been brought up by others... but if what you did is still mostly a secret, then you have clearly not faced justice for what you have done. Your victims have not got the justice that they deserve. You feeling guilty and worried about your marriage and your daughter is still very self-centered and all about you.

    Do the right thing, hand yourself in at a police station and confess to your crimes. Your life as you know it will be over, you will probably go to jail, some people will never associate with you again. But only in confronting your past honestly and openly and taking responsibility for it, can you possibly move on from it and receive true forgiveness.

    Your victims did not have a choice about being victims. You have a choice to do the right thing and take ownership of what you did. Or live the rest of your life stressing over people finding out about your secret... Does the latter really sound more appealing?

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  6. #15
    Platinum Member mustlovedogs's Avatar
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    You say you put your family before your wife but you’re estranged from your family. Can you elaborate?

  7. #16
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Hopefully your wife will get full custody and you will only get supervised visitation, at best. When she divorces you, your family may come forward and reveal the truth, as they should.

    You are living a lie. It's not just the molestation and lies, you drank, selfishly indulged in escapism and were generally unfit as a husband and father.

    Your pseudo-remorse sounds like a crocodile-tear rehearsal for court. And your fear is that the sham of the 'family man' is coming to and end when your wife leaves and you'll have to face who you are. It's not surprising you came to the internet for sympathy and tips on how to further spin this.

    You may want to look up the statute of limitations for childhood sexual abuse in your jurisdiction. As you know, prisoners don't look fondly on your types. All this may come out in your divorce.
    Originally Posted by Louieknott
    I am concerned that if my wife finds out that she will keep my daughter from me.

    The relationship with my sister is non-existant, and likely will remain that way forever. The relationship with my mother is very strained as she is also traumatized by the repulsive choices that I made nearly 30 years ago. My Brother doesn't know what to think... he has kids and is concerned.

  8. #17

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    Originally Posted by mustlovedogs
    You say you put your family before your wife but you’re estranged from your family. Can you elaborate?
    This was years ago, before this came out.

  9. #18

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    Thank you all for your advice... The good and even the more harsh. It may appear that I am looking for validation or sympathy. That is not the case. I am trying to keep the life that I have built as a good person intact. I was a young person 13-18, but honestly don't recall 100% for sure as this was over 30 years ago now. My dark past doesn't define the person that I am today. I am seeking help and stumbled upon this site.

  10. #19
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    What made you want sex with children when you were a teen? I really hope you don't say you don't remember.

    Are you in individual counseling?

  11. #20
    Forum Supporter ~Seraphim ~'s Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Louieknott
    Thank you all for your advice... The good and even the more harsh. It may appear that I am looking for validation or sympathy. That is not the case. I am trying to keep the life that I have built as a good person intact. I was a young person 13-18, but honestly don't recall 100% for sure as this was over 30 years ago now. My dark past doesn't define the person that I am today. I am seeking help and stumbled upon this site.
    At 18 you were an adult. That is plenty old enough to know you were wrong. Sexual abuse DESTROYS lives . I was decimated for 37 years . I just now climbing out to achievement in my life. 40 years later.

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