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Can I forgive him


Kimberly8619

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i I have been with my bf nearly two years. We are 60 miles apart so can be difficult seeing each other but we manage it once to twice per week most of the time. We both have one child each.

He has never liked me going out he accuses me of cheating every time I go out but always says it’s because he wants me to spend time with him. About a month ago I went away with family for two days. But it was the same time as his child’s birthday party which I Apologised about many times. We didn’t speak for a couple of days after he said he’s not letting me hurt his daughter the way I hurt him. Anyway we didn’t speak for two days and he messaged me saying he had bad news. Turned out he had been to doctors who said he could have cancer. I tried to support him he pushed me away and wouldn’t let me come to appointments. He said if it’s bad news with the blood tests he won’t want me to go out Saturday coming. Anyway I went out and he was accusing me of cheating agains and my friend heard and said something to him. He the. Told me I need to choose between him and my fried . I refused to choose. Also told me he was sick blood and was going to a and e and refused to let me come. As time went on I decided I would surprise him and just turn up to doctors to support him but I called doctors and he didn’t have an appointment. I started to question all this. Eventually I asked about it and said I need proof to believe him. He got me a print off from doctors. I straight away noticed things like typing errors and that dates wrong ext. he kept making me feel so bad saying I’m not there for him he’s proved it and he can’t forgive me for not believing him. After hard work and looking into he has admitted he’s lied about it all. He is saying he loves me so much and he needs me I don’t know what to do I love him so much but also all the lies I just don’t know what to do I need help? Thanks

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This man is manipulative!

He made up potential cancer diagnosis to manipulate you.

And he is turning it around on you = making it YOUR fault.

 

Please google "wheel of abuse".

And please leave this man.

you are worth more than this

 

btw, the doctor's office should NOT tell you if he has an appointment due to HIPPAA laws, but that's another story

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For once I agree with the immediate cries to leave post haste....

 

And @abitbroken is correct that forgiving behavior is not the same as continued acceptance of said behavior. He’s human and he’s struggling with intense feelings of jealousy, I think we’ve all either lied or considered lying at least once when we were under duress. But telling a massive cancer lie is only adding to his resume of unhealthy behavior, not helping to heal it. I can’t even imagine how it made YOU feel? Understanding and forgiving the behavior doesn’t reverse the way it irrevocably muddied the relationship waters.

 

If you truly love this guy, in the sense of wanting what is best for him and his kids, in my opinion you need to cut him loose and not enable such dysfunctional behavior.

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Wait... so if he never made an appt and he didn’t want you going how did you find out which fake Dr. to call? I mean it’s not like he had an appointment card....

 

Whatever...either way doesn’t seem either one of you care about the other...

 

Just being honest, yeah he’s being manipulative, but... it’s not really working anyway, I mean...you still go out, you even went out when you believed he had cancer, so his manipulation didn’t work anyway...right? .and why would he say you aren’t going to hurt my daughter like you hurt me... did you have plans? I’m not getting the context of him blurting something like that out, I mean unless plans with your family was spur of the moment super last minute did he not know you weren’t going to be there?

 

I hope you come back to elaborate cause I’m kinda seeing toxicity on both sides as things stand...

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Wow you need to dump this guy, he's a massive liar and his control freak tendencies regarding you going out with friends is over the top. To lie about having cancer is not forgivable. I figured right away as I read your post that he was lying about the cancer.

 

Dump him, block and delete, and move on. You can do better.

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Thankyiu everybody for all your advice it’s much appropriated. For the one who said I don’t care anyway, I’m the one that travels 60 miles every Tuesday to get up at 5 in the morning to travel 60 miles to go back home to work and spend one weekend out of two Friday to Sunday at his. I knew because he mensioned the doctors name so I searched his doctor and called. I only go out once in a blue moon and this was for a friends 30th birthday. I was with him Friday u TIL Saturday afternoon and was going to travel the 60 miles again Sunday to see him again. He told me to choose between him and this friend. I love the bones of him that’s why this lie hurt me so much. His daughters birthday he has never told me the date of the party and my parents booked the holiday for early Xmas present for me and my child . Nothing I could do about it.

X

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Immediately end things and block and delete him and all his people from your life and all your messaging apps and social media. He sounds like a complete weirdo, pathological liar not to mention controlling. It sounds more as though he is the one cheating and gaslighting you to that end.

 

Either way, he is being horrible to you so that you end things. Get out now. His doctor's appts are none of your business anyway. Focus on your local life, your child, your friends, family, work and interests and completely remove this guy from your child's life. You should not let questionable men like this into your life, home or around your child.

We both have one child each.

He has never liked me going out he accuses me of cheating

He said if it’s bad news with the blood tests he won’t want me to go out Saturday coming.

After hard work and looking into he has admitted he’s lied about it all.

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Thankyiu everybody for all your advice it’s much appropriated. For the one who said I don’t care anyway, I’m the one that travels 60 miles every Tuesday to get up at 5 in the morning to travel 60 miles to go back home to work and spend one weekend out of two Friday to Sunday at his. I knew because he mensioned the doctors name so I searched his doctor and called. I only go out once in a blue moon and this was for a friends 30th birthday. I was with him Friday u TIL Saturday afternoon and was going to travel the 60 miles again Sunday to see him again. He told me to choose between him and this friend. I love the bones of him that’s why this lie hurt me so much. His daughters birthday he has never told me the date of the party and my parents booked the holiday for early Xmas present for me and my child . Nothing I could do about it.

X

 

Still makes little to no sense. I’m sorry it just doesn’t, you live 60 away from each other he constantly wants to be with you and for you to not go out, yet you do all the traveling? How would he even know when you’re out? And again, what would possess him to give you the name of a Dr. it was unnecessary, so either he’s like scary dumb, this whole lying about cancer thing is sadly common with manipulative people, but who bothers to give a Dr. name?!?! Like how would that convo have even gone?

 

“I don’t want you to come, you don’t care anyway... it’s Dr. Greene btw, my appt is October 12th at 3:00, but don’t you dare show up or call to confirm the appt, because even though HIPPA laws exist, you as my girlfriend can somehow get this medical office to give you my medical information, so don’t you dare come!”

 

Ignoring that BLATANTLY huge plot hole to your story, like I said he’s either scary dumb or a master manipulator with some big balls...

 

Either way your response to me... you don’t sound confused... you sound incredibly clear who is to blame here. So why stay?

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I believe your story because my old housemate's ex-girlfriend was screwed up and lied about having cancer too. I'm sorry but it really doesn't matter what reasons he had (bad reasons), it is NOT OK to lie about having cancer! That is just sick. He was definitely trying to manipulate you and force you to stop going out and dump your friend. You are allowed to have a life of your own and go out with friends. If you've never cheated then he has no right to constantly suspect you. Either way even if he had any good reason to suspect you, lying about having cancer is still screwed up! You just don't do that. I'd drop him immediately if I was you. This man has some serious issues and he's also very controlling and manipulative.

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Good grief - he is an abuser, trying to manipulate and isolate you, he makes up a story about cancer in an attempt to control and manipulate you. That's beyond psycho and btw, that's not what love is.

 

OP, about the only smart thing you've done here is actually resist his psychotic demands and maintain friendships and a life outside of this madness. That said, if you make the mistake of continuing to tolerate him and his crazy, eventually he will wear you down and break you down. Please please please just walk away. Delete his info, block him from all access to you and stay far away. You have a child to protect from predators and this guy is the definition of a predator. Do not become a statistic.

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I asked him what doctors he’s registered at he said and it was the name of the doctor and he said but that doctor left last year. So I searched the doctors he told me times and dates of appointments because I asked him. Obviously these was false. The doctors shouldn’t have gave me the information and he complained as they wouldn’t tell me again after I confronted him. I even asked if Iv got the correct doctors abs they confirmed this information. I think everybody is entitled to go out with friends once in a while and I told him he should go out with friends but he wouldn’t. Love the bones of him just means I love him so much. I have never cheated on him and never would.

Thanks for the responses again. He had told me he feels like he’s having a break down and that’s why he did it but I’m so hurt by this and thinking of my child if it’s wrong of me to forgive him as I have my child to think about. He goes to his dads alternate weekends which I when I go and spend the weekend at his house with him and his child. One weekend his dad was away he said his mum would have our child but obviously I said no I will have him. And that was another argument because that should be my weekend at his house and Iv gone and had my child instead. Which I thought was so wrong of him to have a go at me about that x

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I'm not keen on the fake medical documents and the use of health issues to manipulate you. This shouldn't have continued, Kimberly. At two years, I understand you're very torn up about it but for your child's sake (if not your own), I hope you do not continue this relationship. This is beyond a white lie. Your child will see you and the example you set. I'd be worried about the example I'd be setting for my kid if I was in your place and what type of message I am sending.

 

In the end this is not only about yourself and your boyfriend.

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Yeah I know Iv got to put my son first and that’s the main thing I also feel so sorry for him he is begging me telling me he can’t live without me and he may aswel be dead with out me I hate to hurt anyone and feel I have no right to do that to somebody , it hurts me more that he’s hurting more than the fact I am hurting and that is the hardest part I keep trying to think of what he’s done telling me with his symptoms he is nearing death and what that did to me it’s so hard x

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Yeah I know Iv got to put my son first and that’s the main thing I also feel so sorry for him he is begging me telling me he can’t live without me and he may aswel be dead with out me I hate to hurt anyone and feel I have no right to do that to somebody , it hurts me more that he’s hurting more than the fact I am hurting and that is the hardest part I keep trying to think of what he’s done telling me with his symptoms he is nearing death and what that did to me it’s so hard x

 

Those parts in bold are serious red flags. This relationship is beyond bad. It's the very end of the road type of horror of horrors and you should be very concerned that you've allowed yourself to spend this long in this type of relationship. You are NOT ok. Please do not engage in manipulative tactics and language like this with anyone. If you've come from a difficult background (previous marriage/relationship issues, difficult childhood etc), you'll have to work on your issues because a healthy person should be alerted immediately to the use of that kind of language in a conversation. Health issues, death ultimatums and other psychological threats are NOT appropriate. It's not ok and it's not normal to speak in this way. The type of desperation and clinging to you is not good. This is not a good place at all.

 

Please stop engaging in this relationship and take a good look at any difficulties you're struggling with in terms of your previous relationships or your past.

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I asked him what doctors he’s registered at he said and it was the name of the doctor and he said but that doctor left last year. So I searched the doctors he told me times and dates of appointments because I asked him. Obviously these was false. The doctors shouldn’t have gave me the information and he complained as they wouldn’t tell me again after I confronted him. I even asked if Iv got the correct doctors abs they confirmed this information. I think everybody is entitled to go out with friends once in a while and I told him he should go out with friends but he wouldn’t. Love the bones of him just means I love him so much. I have never cheated on him and never would.

Thanks for the responses again. He had told me he feels like he’s having a break down and that’s why he did it but I’m so hurt by this and thinking of my child if it’s wrong of me to forgive him as I have my child to think about. He goes to his dads alternate weekends which I when I go and spend the weekend at his house with him and his child. One weekend his dad was away he said his mum would have our child but obviously I said no I will have him. And that was another argument because that should be my weekend at his house and Iv gone and had my child instead. Which I thought was so wrong of him to have a go at me about that x

 

Holy cow stop elaborating it just gets more convoluted...

 

He called this Dr. office and complained about his information being given out even though he was never a patient to begin with?!?! How would they even remember who he was by the time you called back and why would you call back? Wouldn’t telling you once we never had this patient ( which you’re right they never should have shared info like that) be enough?

 

Trying to wrap my head around this just isn’t going to happen, sorry not sorry, but that’s neither here nor there because I truly don’t think it’s the real issue to begin with.

 

You are describing this man as a down right monster. Then asking if you can forgive him.

 

This is a relationship where by your own words he puts in zero effort, you stated you do all the driving to him.

 

So he not only puts in zero effort he manipulates and lies to you, again according to your words.

 

What on earth are you wanting to stay for? You don’t seem to have the time for him to begin with even if he wasn’t manipulative and needy, the distance seems to be a big hurdle.

 

What about him do you love?

 

Serious question.

 

I know I’m coming off cold. It’s hard to convey tone in text,I’m just really not getting what you’re trying to get across to us. He’s horrible, you fully recognize it, no question, read your words, seriously, you’re describing him as a horrible lying manipulative needy man child, what is the draw?

 

Again serious question.

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Yeah I know Iv got to put my son first and that’s the main thing I also feel so sorry for him he is begging me telling me he can’t live without me and he may aswel be dead with out me I hate to hurt anyone and feel I have no right to do that to somebody , it hurts me more that he’s hurting more than the fact I am hurting and that is the hardest part I keep trying to think of what he’s done telling me with his symptoms he is nearing death and what that did to me it’s so hard x

 

It’s not your job to save anyone Kimberly.

 

If he is threatening suicidal please contact the authorities.

 

The other poster is right you have to look out for your child and being exposed to this cannot be good for either of you.

 

You already know what you need to do, and it shouldn’t be hard to cut that cord, he’s 60 miles away and he doesn’t come to see you.

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The doctor he used to have left but it’s the same surgery and I phoned up on another occasion and asked if I could book in with his old doctor that he mensioned and they said he left last year, which is what he said that the doctor had left it’s still the same surgery. So he is registered there!

He had turned up since I told him it was over he turns up when he knows my child is at his dad eg Tuesday which is the day I round go and see him and cries his eyes out begging me for forgiveness x

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The doctor he used to have left but it’s the same surgery and I phoned up on another occasion and asked if I could book in with his old doctor that he mensioned and they said he left last year, which is what he said that the doctor had left it’s still the same surgery. So he is registered there!

He had turned up since I told him it was over he turns up when he knows my child is at his dad eg Tuesday which is the day I round go and see him and cries his eyes out begging me for forgiveness x

 

Please don’t allow him to just show up unannounced like that. It’s scary and could be considered stalking, which is a crime, so is giving a 3rd party medical appt information but that’s neither here nor there, if you’re broken up he needs to stay away.

 

Stand your ground, if it get to the point please don’t hesitate to call the authorities.

 

Anyway you never did answer the questions asked about what you see in this guy, what’s the draw?

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When we are together he is very loving and affectionate, we can have a laugh together , I suppose he makes me feel special telling me I’m the most beautiful girl in the world (which I’m aware isn’t true lol) tells me every day how much he loves me. How I’m the best thing that’s ever happened to him. We go out for no be meals etc. It’s just bad when I go out or I’m working so cannot get to see him Etc that’s when he’s different x

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