Not sure where I stand or what to do...

Hey all! Just joined in seek of advice, hopefully y'all can help me out. I'm a 29 guy who met 27 female on OKC about 1.5 months ago. Been out on 3 dates, almost no physical contact and no kiss so far (rejected on third date). Her profile mentioned she likes to get to know the guy before any escalation. All 3 dates have been fun (non-stop laughing from both and we have a lot of things in common) and we text between dates. Asked for a 4th she said yes, but she canceled the morning of because she was feeling sick, apologized and offered to reschedule. We did, but date didn't happen (she had family stuff going on...no reschedule offer). She keeps texting though and replying to me as well. We haven't had the "what are you looking for" talk during any of the 3 dates (kinda focused on having fun), but her profile said long-term dating. We haven't any relationship talk whatsoever, just "get to know each other" kinda thing. I have to say I'm not experienced in dating. She's a musician and most of her songs are about insecurities with men, being "too nice of a girl", and "wanting to have something real" but all she's heard before is men saying they are not ready for that. Keep in mind that this info is from her songs, not because we've talked about it. I do not know what to do. In all honesty, I like this girl, but not sure how to move forward with this. Am I dealing here with a "broken" girl who's insecurities and past experiences make her behave like this? She might be interested but doesn't want to invest and get hurt (again) without knowing what the guy really wants? Do I need to bring up the "what are you looking for" try to see if she opens up and me be clear about my intentions (call her, text, or ask her out again)? She's not interested and I was friend-zoned? Do I let this one go?

Honestly, I think you should ask her if she is interested in more than a friendship- declining the kiss after the 3rd date is a bit off.

Who pays?

It's probably not a good idea to keep pursuing this. Depending on the type of relationship you're looking for, this doesn't look like a straight arrow to me. She's lost and confused and she's also keeping you on a string. Be a bit more self-aware and street smart and let this one go. If you enjoy manipulation and difficulties/issues or find her issues appealing, maybe it's a good time to recognize some unhealthy traits in yourself.

If you're not emotionally available or completely available yourself, you may find characters like this appealing. You may also find her songs and her artistic work a plus because it offers you insight into her personality that you wouldn't otherwise get from other women. I hope you realize these are a false sense of security. You both don't really know one another and I don't think she's a good influence.

Kiss rejected on 3rd date...?

Rescheduled for a day that she had family stuff going on...?

No reschedule offer after that...?

Dude, if she was into you NONE of this would have happened... time to move on, sorry to say :-(

@holly: Got it. Should I do it by phone call or text? Not sure if I should ask her out again without having a clear mind of what's going on. I've paid all 3 dates.

@Rose: I'm completely available emotionally. I was insecure in the past but I've overcome those insecurities, and I'm looking for something serious at this point. She's very happy, fun, and outgoing in person and texting. Maybe her songs convey her insecurities that she doesn't share in person.

You should not ask her out again. The ball is in her court.

Who has been paying?

There's no 'It' to do. Just don't contact her again.

You should not ask her out again. The ball is in her court.

 

Who has been paying?

Holly - he paid all 3 times :eek:

Holly - he paid all 3 times :eek:

Thanks. I missed that bit.

OP, she needs to ask you out and pay. Do not reach out to her .

Yup, I've paid all 3. First was the standard coffee date, second was a museum (free) followed by dinner/drinks, and third was dinner and comedy show. My line of thinking is to ask her directly what are her thoughts on this or just move on. I won't ask her out again without a clear path on what she wants because I know what I want.

My line of thinking is to ask her directly what are her thoughts on this or just move on. I won't ask her out again without a clear path on what she wants because I know what I want.

Don't ask what she wants, it makes you look insecure...

If you REALLY want to be ABSOLUTELY sure, then ask her out again, and if she cancels, or rejects the goodnight kiss, move on without saying anything..

OR

Just move on without saying anything!

I would NOT contact her. She should be reaching out to you- she the one that is supposed to reschedule. If you hear nothing, you have your answer without looking desparate.

She's waffling because you tried to make a pass at her. Move on little doggie, move it along.

I would pull back. You like her so ask one more time. Another no then cut her off completely. In the mean time make yourself scarce and don't friendzone yourself through texting this much.

She keeps texting though and replying to me as well.

She's definitely not interested. She's only texting you back cos it's an ego boost. If she was remotely into you she wouldn't reject your kiss (the third date is plenty of time), have no physical contact AND bail.

Don't embarrass yourself, just let it go.

@holly: Got it. Should I do it by phone call or text? Not sure if I should ask her out again without having a clear mind of what's going on. I've paid all 3 dates.

 

@Rose: I'm completely available emotionally. I was insecure in the past but I've overcome those insecurities, and I'm looking for something serious at this point. She's very happy, fun, and outgoing in person and texting. Maybe her songs convey her insecurities that she doesn't share in person.

Yup, I've paid all 3. First was the standard coffee date, second was a museum (free) followed by dinner/drinks, and third was dinner and comedy show. My line of thinking is to ask her directly what are her thoughts on this or just move on. I won't ask her out again without a clear path on what she wants because I know what I want.

Enjoy her company via text and remain friendly if you're looking to make friends. I don't believe this person is put together enough for a relationship. Eventually I don't see you communicating much more except as acquaintances. The level of commitment and interest here is very low on her part and it may be due to any number of reasons. Maybe she's dealing with health issues. Maybe she's still communicating with an ex who is very present in her life. Maybe she's also dating someone else or seeing where that goes before meeting with you again.

You are emotionally available. Just make sure it doesn't turn into emotionally needy. You're looking for affirmation where it may be inappropriate considering the length of time you've known each other and seen each other. I don't think it's necessary personally but if it's what you need in order to close this book and move on to meet better people for you, so be it. In the end if she's not for you, it doesn't matter what she thinks of you. Neither of you are compatible no matter how the cookie crumbles. I personally like your upfront approach. You have nothing to lose but someone who's not right for you and that 's actually a good thing.

OKC is an online dating platform so take into consideration that anyone you meet may be meeting with others or any any level of communication from superficial to convoluted, either at the beginning stages just "chatting" or meeting up on the 2nd, 4th, 12th etc date. You don't know any of that this early on and some individuals will not disclose the fact that they're dating or seeing more than one person. Be more aware of the types of people you're meeting. You're more likely than not to find that more individuals date multiple partners than dating one person at a time. I didn't find this an attractive idea in my later years and opted out of it. I also made it a point to ask my dates what their preferences were.

Here's a test for you: Give yourself a week (the rest of this week) to stop initiating any contact with her at all and give your mind a rest from all of this. Come back at it with a clearer mind. Use that time to think about what kinds of traits and characteristics you see in a relationship partner (long term) and see how you feel closer to the end of this weekend.

She keeps texting though and replying to me as well.

Is she initiating these texts?

If so, I'd just tell her you'd be interested in going out sometime again and for her to let you know when.

Until then, I'd start curtailing the electronic contact.

If you are the one initiating. .then I'd just stop.

Step back.

You will see clearly where you stand when you stop communication.

Also you are on OKC so fish around! Don't settle for someone who uses the app for an ego boost.

I think regardless of what her reasons are for acting like this, you shouldn't contact her anymore. It doesn't sound like she's very interested and to be honest seems like she's "slow fading" you. It's not exactly ghosting but it's when a person keeps replying, but doesn't want to make any more time for you. The idea is that then they reply less and less until they never reply at all. People do this when they're too cowardly to tell you they're not interested. She wouldn't have rejected your kiss if she liked you. All you wanted was to kiss after three dates, you weren't trying to do anything indecent. And you took her out on proper nice dates first and paid. It's not like you were trying to be sleazy.

The problem with dating is that it's a lot like sifting through a pile of muck trying to find one good needle. What I mean is that you are going to encounter a whole lot of people who are "broken", as in not in a healthy place emotionally to be dating or be in a relationship, but they are out there using dating to soothe their issues. Do not be their band aid.

When you see someone has issues, you walk away. That's really the point of dating - to weed through all the wrong matches until you find that one person who is actually in a healthy place emotionally and otherwise, open and ready to be with the right match. A person who has their baggage dealt with, a person who has their emotions in check, a person who has their life in order so they can start with you on a clean slate.

When you meet that right person in a healthy place, you'll find that dating them is easy. It's clear where you both stand and what you want, you'll feel safe, secure and confident in their intentions because that's what they are - healthy and confident in what they want and capable of communicating that with both their words and actions consistently. With the right person, there is no drama. When you have drama, when there is confusion - that's your clue that it's not right.

This girl, she basically blew you off in terms of dating, but is stringing you along to texting attention and ego boost. You don't need to say or do anything more here other than stop wasting your time and drop contact. Your dates might be all laughs, but look at the rest - this person is damaged and it's on her to sort herself out. You can't do it for her or for anyone. If you want a healthy relationship, you leave these kinds of women in your dust.

This unfortunately is dating these days, especially online dating. I would guess she has been out with some other guy and is test driving him as well. Well within her rights of course but it would answer your questions.

It sounds like you want closure or some sort of answer but you need to learn to accept that often times you will not get it.

If you must, call her on the phone when you know she would be available to talk. If she answers then do the polite chit chat and then just ask her straight out if she is interested in getting to know you better. If she says yes then put the ball firmly in her court by saying "Great, when you are talking me out?"

If she doesn't answer don't leave a message just chalk it up to one that didn't work out for what ever reason and move on. As far as looking weak or insecure for calling and asking her a straight question I think that is total BS. Being strong enough to ask tough questions is not weak or insecure, it is empowering because you have taken back control of your life situation.

As you date more you will spot things and just know when to pull the plug.

Good luck

Lost

I agree with the others.

Step back.

If she’s truly interested she will reach out.

If not you have your answer.

Be true to your heart and your own feelings