Stop Caring

should i say it again? Stop Caring. it's that simple.

i haven't been on the forum for a few months but wanted to check-in. my husband and i are still married and kinda working through the issues, if you want to put it that way.

things are not perfect, nor do i trust him but i eventually got to the point that i stopped caring and HE NOTICED! i stopped asking him how his day was, stopped checking-in to see what he wanted to do over the weekend, stopped wanting to talk about our problems and how we could fix them, stopped crying in front of him, just stopped everything.

he noticed it right away and came back mentally to the marriage. basically, i had to check-out so he would check-in and start doing some work! i wanted to write this to help others out there that are suffering, struggling, etc.

my husband and i went through some dark times, things that i don't even want to type because i hate thinking about them. i got to a point where i just said "forget it, just forget it!" i started my morning by waking up to brush my teeth, do my makeup/hair and leave for work. you'd think, who cares no big deal, but i changed my body language with all of it. i basically went about my morning like he wasn't there. left for work and didn't communicate with him all day.

i'd come home make my dinner, have a glass of wine and put a movie on to drown out my own life. i lost some more weight and got down to 105lbs but i didn't care, i just kept my routine and he eventually noticed i just didn't care anymore. that's when he started to come around and talk to me and he even invited me to two parties with him and his friends. i went to the parties, befriended these friends of his and just had a good time.

it has not been easy but i just got to the point of letting go and seeing where my life would go on it's own and slowly he came around and he is making progress everyday. he's already texted me 3 times today to let me know what he's working on and when he'll be home tonight, this was NOT happening a few months ago AND i did not initiate these texts today.

i'm not saying what i did is healthy or will work for everyone. i just wanted to write what IS working for me because i feel like not enough people come back and do.

Why would you want to stay with someone if you truly "don't care"? I think deep down you really do, but you're checking out to get to him...

I think by the time one "checks-out" of a relationship, it's over... but you seem to be doing it to get revenge.

I believe what you're talking about is self-soothing. All of us are responsible for our own actions and emotions and you've taken control of your own. Hopefully you're doing them positively instead of vindictively.

What you've found is a way to redirect unhealthy thoughts and reorient your thought patterns. This is not a negative thing. I'd encourage more heart between the both of you and greater dedication in focusing on the positives. Couples need to realize that there are things worth living for and looking forward to. It cannot be problems all the time as it wears people down over a long period. Learn to balance, stay honest with each other, manage your own individual emotions and you both will be fine.

My mother was married for 62 years to my dad who suffered from a mental illness. She always told me the best thing to do when a relationship is rough is give even more - not in a doormat way at all -just show kindness, give more caring and the hope is that your partner will see you staying true to him and solid and showing him by your actions what you also would like from him. I do this with my son too -when he is going through rough times and venting at me etc I don't let him mistreat me but I stay by his side and stay supportive.

The push pull treatment ....you push , they pull away , you pull away and they push back to you .... I hope you both find some middle ground now and start to enjoy your relationship.

I am happy for you that you are getting back on track , but many find it hard to * not care * when they actually do care . I wouldn't be able to keep that up , when I care I care and when I don't , I walk away .

Yep, I call it going on strike. When you've tried everything else and you're done jumping through hoops to manipulate a partner into being a partner, sometimes dropping your side of the tug-of-war can work wonders.

Thumbs up, and read my sig.

Yep, I call it going on strike. When you've tried everything else and you're done jumping through hoops to manipulate a partner into being a partner, sometimes dropping your side of the tug-of-war can work wonders.

 

Thumbs up, and read my sig.

Yes, I agree with this as far as not jumping through hoops which approaches doormat behavior. I also agree that using it as a push-pull tactic is manipulative and sets a bad precedent. Like when I ignore my son because he's treating me disrespectfully I first tell him that I am upset at how he is treating me, I am going to take some space from him to feel better and that I don't "hear" whining but I won't just cut off contact and leave him to figure out why. In my marriage, I'll keep myself busy/make my own plans so that shows my husband that I'm living my life, making my own "fun" even if he's been not around as much as I would like or sleeping in a bit too much for my liking instead of stepping up to the plate. It's not about "not caring" but affirmatively caring for me.

You and your partner lack communication, and he refuses counseling. Where do you see this going?

When I "stopped caring" in my marriage, the relationship fell apart completely. This may sound like a tragic ending but ultimately it was a blessing in disguise as I was exhausted from trying to control the outcome of the relationship.

I am happy that it's working for you the way you want OP and hope the change will be sustainable.

Why might not you care

Well at least you’re finally admitting you were never serious about filing for divorce or moving to the friends place for your mental health.

You were playing relationship chicken.

And you think it worked...

Hey there is something else at play here. I think he realizes your worth BUT in the same vein, you showing some independence and self worth can be attractive. He's taking notice of this new you. This kind of dynamic can work for couples. Having a life outside the relationship, making your own friends, doing your own thing, will bring a nice balance and keep things fresh. So OP take note. Start having your own life, and he will want to make things work. Slowly but surely things will evolve, communication will improve, and so will the attitude towards each other. Just saying it's worth a shot before signing those divorce papers.