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Thread: Did I make the right decision?..Was the timing right..

  1. #1

    Did I make the right decision?..Was the timing right..

    Hi everyone. This is my first thread and I'm really new to forums and online communities...so, I feel a bit fumbling and I'd like to thank you in advance for your time and feedback..<3

    I've been in an on and off relationship for the last few months.. Haven't actually been counting but my guess atm would be about 5 or 6 months.
    I knew from the start that an on and off would be a terrible situation to become involved with but somehow was vaccummed in by the whole thing..
    Most of our relationship has been over the phone and as of recently that dynamic has been pretty awesome. Felt a new breath of closeness and was feeling optimistic.
    Allot of our tiffs have to do with the fact that his insensitivities terribly conflict with my needs and sensitivities. He's also only been in the country from East Germany for a handful of years and there have been allot of cultural differences that I at first thought to be an interesting challenge to work with.
    Ultimately, I was to finally go over to spend some time after about 5 days of not seeing each other and having great daily conversations via phone but when I went over, the energy immediately felt threatening to me....he had a very strong persona that was making me feel unsafe and far feom wanting to be intimate. The positive actions put forth in behaving like a couple felt almost contrived..
    I've always had an insecurity about actually spending time in person because there have been past experiences where he would be this insensitive person after intimacy and I'd feel dooped somehow. Like this isn't the person I believed to be involved with...when brought up in convo in the past, he'd say he's working off of different dynamics in person and less so being on the best of the best behaviour because I'm finally in person and he feels he can relax into being more of himself (or something like that)...??.
    Regardless, it's made me feel super conflicteded.
    I'm not sure if I overreacted by breaking up with him and leaving that night because previous to that our relationship has been on a very good level. I was going off of a feeling and I still haven't learned to trust feelings...what's a gut feeling..what is fear and insecurity etc.
    He lashed out pretty bad last night (emotional abuse) and I keep having flashbacks of seeing his face in pain and the quick moments of him lovingly trying to hold on before I brutally said no and sped away in my car.....
    I think I'll stop rambling disorganized thoughts now. I'm sorry if this wasn't the easiest post to understand..hehe :\ but again I super appreciate any attempt to work with it.

    Basically his words are that I should just trust that he loves me already and not question everything as much and recently his efforts to improving bf skills have been very very good. Again, via phone mostly because that's the majority of our relationship.
    For whatever reason this last time together was the first time I felt this strongly about not being in a loving safe zone as a couple..was I picking up on something accurate?....or was it because I didn't feel so physically attracted to him that day that every other little dislike became a bigger influence in my overall feeling..
    Yes, he was super toxic when realizing this was my final decision but also maybe it was fd up of me to end things off of my emotional interpretation of energies that night..there was no way I was going to be physically intimate with him that nig×ht, boyfriend or not. I felt such a real emotional distance to him for whatever reason suddenly but I'm also feeling guilty for always having the compulsion to cut things off immediately everytime there seems to be a contrast with my desires lf being in the relationship.
    Lastly, (so sorry..)
    Mostly, his immaturity and thoughtlessness to the words he choses have had allot to do with my lack of patience in most conversations. Hence why I've been saying things have been so mivh better recently, he's made a big effort and why i feel conflicted about the decision I've made.
    THANK YOU for allowing this!!!
    Last edited by Stargazerpin; 10-28-2019 at 11:45 AM.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Unfortunately he sounds rather creepy. 👹 Fortunately you're not involved and can simply block and delete him from all social media and messaging apps.
    Originally Posted by Stargazerpin
    Allot of our tiffs have to do with the fact that his insensitivities terribly conflict with my needs and sensitivities.

    when I went over, the energy immediately felt threatening to me.

    he had a very strong persona that was making me feel unsafe and far feom wanting to be intimate.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member smackie9's Avatar
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    He's just messed up in the head. All those excuses about cultural differences, etc are cop outs. Most people adapt quite well in those situations and make the best of it to get through it. He's negative, anxious, and doesn't have the ability to cope. Could be mental illness or just his personality trait, but whatever, you need to keep away from him, and go on with your life.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
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    So, you're recognizing your feelings that you're not comfortable with his behavior, and yet still try to jam a round peg into a severely jagged square? Are you that desperate, really? I don't know how you can describe a relationship as mostly on a good level when the majority of it is spent on phone calls.

    Please be single for a good long while and work on your self worth. Otherwise, you're bound to immerse yourself in such a dangerous situation you might not emerge from, since you ignore alarm bells that ring like crazy.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    What do you get out of being with someone who makes you feel bad, confused, conflicted, and downright afraid? Serious question.

    People and relationships aren't experiments. If you want a healthy relationship, it's your job to seek out a person who gets you, where you both fit together naturally and intuitively.

    What you are describing has nothing to do with culture or cultural differences. The guy is completely off and creepy at best. Someone to stay away from. What's concerning is that you've somehow talked yourself into carrying on with him and almost romanticized weird, creepy, abusive behavior. Stay away from people like that and do not engage. The moment you realize something is really off, don't make excuses, just walk away.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    The phrase that jumped out at me was you "somehow" being "vacuumed in by the whole thing." That's an awfully passive way to describe what has been a sequence of very active choices on your part: to engage in a phone-only relationship, to continue engaging when it doesn't feel right, and, it seems, to become more drawn to it the less right it feels. I can't help but wonder what's behind all that, as I suspect if you were describing your romantic ideals before even "meeting" this man they wouldn't quite line up with what this situation is offering.

    Facts, broken down: you are (a) not emotionally satisfied by him, and (b) you are physically frightened by him. I would say that a + b = someone to cut ties with, so you can have a minute to figure out why this whole thing appealed, untangle that knot, and then connect with someone who offers you what you want.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    I'm sorry this is happening. I get the feeling your agitation is very high and you're experiencing paranoia and fear, a very anxious state. Are you normally very anxious or fearful in relationships? That high level of fear also makes me wonder at your choice in pursuing a largely telephone-use (long distance) type of relationship. If you're feeling unsure, anxious and fearful, I don't think this is a good time to start pursuing any form of relationship. Those feelings compound themselves when other individuals are in the mix (ie. a partner and especially a partner at long distance).

    Limit your contact with these types of influences if you feel it agitates you or causes you to feel fearful. No one is able to think straight in those conditions and you're already shooting yourself in the foot (sabotaging yourself) by thinking that this is a challenge of some sort. Some doors are not meant to be opened.

    Start surrounding yourself with your family and friends and a steady and true support network of people you can trust and who believe in you and uplift you and have your best interests at heart. You might also want to see someone for your anxiety if you generally operate in a highly anxious or fearful state a lot of the time. I don't think this helps you in the long run. You need to sort out your emotions and be able to control them or limit the negative impact that your emotions produce.

  9. #8
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    How much time have you spent together physically in person? Not over an electronic device but actually physically in the same place at the same time?

  10. #9
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    He is insensitive, makes you feel uncomfortable,the majority of the relationship has been over the phone, and it has been on and off.

    Do you two go out? How many times have you seen one another?

    What exactly do you get from this? Do you have a history of abusive relatiinshios and pick people where there is no future and treat you badly? This is a terrible option for a relationship partner.

    Don't look for projects, OP!
    Last edited by Hollyj; 10-28-2019 at 02:38 PM.

  11. #10
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    This is extremely unhealthy, OP.

    Do you have a pattern of being involved with dysfunctional relationships?

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