Facebook share
LinkedIn share
Google plus share
Twitter plus share
Give Advice
Ask For Advice
Page 2 of 2 FirstFirst 12
Results 11 to 13 of 13

Thread: My sister who I haven't spoken to in 3 years is now asking for money

  1. #11
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2013
    Location
    Wilds of Texas
    Posts
    10,049
    Gender
    Female
    Originally Posted by abitbroken
    II have a slightly different view. I was the woman isolated by an abusive husband and towards the end I did not have any contact with my family - he made sure of it by alienating them or physically removing my ability to communicate. At one point, he pressured me to ask my family for money. i felt awful later.

    If you did have a relationship before he came into her life.
    I would ignore any contact from the husband and get a restraining order on him. I would not give her money. I would give her cards that have info for resources for her and i would give her a bag of groceries for the kids or a gift card from a store that really only sold food. And when she contacts you, only reinforce those things.
    When she reaches out in an actual positive way, accept more contact, but by doing this you are setting a boundary with her - positive behavior wins a relationship with you and manipulative behavior that she used to survive does not. Its not the kids fault. If she gets away from this guy, that's greatt

    Maybe even write her a letter to the effect that she has't contacted you in three years so therefore this is the only help you can get (lists of names of shelters, food pantries and maybe a bag of groceries for the kids).
    Normally, I'd be right with you on this, but in this case, the OP describes a person who has threatened her, threatened to damage her car, has always been irresponsible, and otherwise has a vile temper. A case of the apple doesn't fall far from the tree. Their mother is narcissistic and her sister unfortunately has similar issues - use and abuse people, and manipulate if all else fails with the "feel sorry for me" emotional tug. The sister is not all there, her husband is the same. Keeping any kind of contact or giving any kind of advice could actually be dangerous to the OP especially regarding their marriage, any kind of separation or custody questions. She has no idea what's really going on behind the scenes, but she does know that the whole family is completely unstable. If the sister is serious about leaving, she can call the abuse hotlines or go to a local shelter. At least that way the OP is not setting up to get attacked or blamed for anything.

    OP, just stay away from these people completely. No contact whatsoever. Also, please do not give her any kind of advice because you have absolutely no idea if she is even telling you the truth, let alone how it might bite you in the rear later. It's actually dangerous for you, especially given the fact that the husband was more or less stalking you and seeking to intimidate you. I think it's interesting that shortly following that episode she asked for money. This looks more like dangerous manipulation and intimidation where they are both in it, than anything else. Please be very wary and protect yourself and do not interact with them in any way. For your own safety you need to cut them out of your life completely and even move where they can't find out where you live if need be. Yes, it's that bad. You are not the keeper of the insane asylum.

  2. #12
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2019
    Location
    British Columbia, Canada
    Posts
    2,828
    Gender
    Female
    Originally Posted by abitbroken
    II have a slightly different view. I was the woman isolated by an abusive husband and towards the end I did not have any contact with my family - he made sure of it by alienating them or physically removing my ability to communicate. At one point, he pressured me to ask my family for money. i felt awful later.

    If you did have a relationship before he came into her life.
    I would ignore any contact from the husband and get a restraining order on him. I would not give her money. I would give her cards that have info for resources for her and i would give her a bag of groceries for the kids or a gift card from a store that really only sold food. And when she contacts you, only reinforce those things.
    When she reaches out in an actual positive way, accept more contact, but by doing this you are setting a boundary with her - positive behavior wins a relationship with you and manipulative behavior that she used to survive does not. Its not the kids fault. If she gets away from this guy, that's greatt

    Maybe even write her a letter to the effect that she has't contacted you in three years so therefore this is the only help you can get (lists of names of shelters, food pantries and maybe a bag of groceries for the kids).
    This is very insightful. I like these ideas a lot. At the end of the day you're(hypothetical you) showing compassion and caring for her without getting confused about any lack of boundaries. I think that's what it comes down to - boundaries and enforcing those boundaries. I suppose the sad part is a very limited number of people have the excess energy/time to spend on acts of kindness like this. I really enjoyed reading this anyway and thanks for sharing these ideas.

  3. #13
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2019
    Posts
    1,373
    I have a lot of compassion for the disadvantaged but I do have my breaking point. I never "reward" people for their bad behavior(s). I'm out. You don't owe her anything nor is your sister's problems your responsibility.

Page 2 of 2 FirstFirst 12

Give Advice
Ask For Advice

Tags for this Thread

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •