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Thread: Possible emotional abuse

  1. #1
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    Possible emotional abuse

    Long story short. Enjoyed the company of a 'friend' who I think, might have been emotionally abusive. I didn't realise it at the time, but i endured yelling, put downs and humiliation in front of others. Their behaviour suddenly turned around at one point, and i took this as a clue that they were romantically attracted to me, like i was to them. Then suddenly this person leaves without a goodbye and i have never heard from them again. I feel used, disrespected and a fool (why wasn't i smarter?).

    This hurt me as i thought i cared about this person, thought i was building a rapport with them (how wrong can you be?,), let them in and took their behaviour reversal as an attempt to make amends (and increased my trust for them), only to be dumped and discarded. Each time i tried to withdraw from this person, they'd seek out my attention and actively pull me back in. This made me think maybe they were committed to building a friendship / relationship with me, as in, our connection could have developed in the future.

    This has been a large part of my depression lately and i have struggled to make sense of it. I don't have any contact with this person, but still have some mutual contacts, which i can't really avoid right now. I felt we were building a rapport, but it all feels false now and it has all dissolved to nothing.

    It just makes me feel so used and disrespected. How do you get your self respect back and build your resilience again? It feels like i have broken up with someone. I will be extremely careful before letting anybody in again in the future...

    I'd like to seek counselling, and will slowly look for one.

    Mods: does this belong in a different forum?

    Thanks for reading.
    Last edited by canterbury; 11-05-2019 at 04:42 PM.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member melancholy123's Avatar
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    Therapy could help you, so do keep looking for a therapist. I've had a few people in my life who were special to me, very special. Only to get dumped and basically forgotten. Sure it hurts and really you need a tough skin to survive this life a lot of the time. The last one really shocked me, we were good friends, went on holiday to Mexico together, and saw her one time after that for a week, and on my last day there she would not talk to me. Blew me off when I got home and texted her. No idea what caused her to act like that as we never had a single argument about anything. I felt I had a good friend but I was wrong. So I chalk it up to something within her that I just didnt know about or understand and it was not about me but about her.

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    Originally Posted by melancholy123
    really you need a tough skin to survive this life a lot of the time.
    Thanks melancholy123, yes, you are right. You really do need to be tough to survive this life.

    Usually, i just become distant / shut-off when i don't want someone around and they usually get the hint and move on. But this one was really.. gregacious, but it was a public / professional setting of sorts, so I am now guessing it was at attempt to get me back onside (though it felt like more than this). They were using me for attention.

    I'm sorry about your friend that travelled to Mexico with you and then shut down. That is indeed, strange behaviour. How long did you know them before you went to Mexico?

    I think, from now on, i'm going to wait at least six months before i even take anyone seriously. Eg, stand back and if they're still there in six months, they might be worth getting to know further.

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    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Was it unclear to either of you whether there was more than friendship (grey area) ? For example did she want to be lovers? Yes therapy can help, especially someone sensitive to LGBT dynamics in relationships like this. If you need more support seek out LGBT support groups or groups to help cut back on using drinking or drugs to ease painful things and loneliness .
    Originally Posted by canterbury
    This hurt me as i thought i cared about this person, thought i was building a rapport with them (how wrong can you be?,), let them in and took their behaviour reversal as an attempt to make amends (and increased my trust for them), only to be dumped and discarded. Each time i tried to withdraw from this person, they'd seek out my attention and actively pull me back in.. I'd like to seek counselling, and will slowly look for one

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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    Was it unclear to either of you whether there was more than friendship (grey area) ? For example did she want to be lovers? Yes therapy can help, especially someone sensitive to LGBT dynamics in relationships like this. If you need more support seek out LGBT support groups or groups to help cut back on using drinking or drugs to ease painful things and loneliness .
    I think the whole thing was a grey area. It is hard not to fall for someone sometimes! I never made a move though (wouldn't have dared unless i had a green light).

    I'd say she just used me for attention, which makes it more 'abusive' in a sense. She should feel really proud of herself for using somebody who is vulnerable and, in her mind, with low social value. Congratulations to her, what a gal!

    And yes, getting my resilience back is definately the way to go. It's like i want to heal myself properly before i close myself off again.
    Last edited by canterbury; 11-05-2019 at 05:37 PM.

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    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    I liked the idea of trying counselling and in the process (lead up) to the one session, I felt supported and not alone. Sometimes the idea of or knowing that there is someone trained whom you can speak with in a safe and private place is enough to calm a person's nerves, enough to put things in perspective. In my case, one session was enough and I snapped back into myself, more alive than ever.

    Give yourself a chance to make mistakes. It sounds like you're very hard on yourself.

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    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Glad to hear you’re looking for a counselor. Along with the others, and speaking from personal experience with therapy, it sounds like it could useful in understanding this in a way that helps you get your power back.

    It’s a bit confusing understanding the situation, from what you’ve written, but I gather this was a newish friend where each of your intentions were a bit blurry, and where her behavior caused some emotional whiplash? Personally, and this is just me, but I tend to try to try to “diagnose” these instances less as “abuse” than as “human incompatibility,” meaning two people who are best apart, platonically and romantically, rather than connected. Sometimes the discovery of that can leave some bruises—the sour flip side of the sweetness of meeting people (as friends, lovers, whatever) who we mesh with—with the “thick skin” melancholy described essential for weathering the sour junctures without getting too thrown.

    For me, being able to view it like that, fosters a kind of resilience—an unfortunate thing you got involved with, and can now extricate yourself from, rather than a malicious force that punished you or trapped you, if that makes sense.

    Sorry for all this, truly. The experiment of human connection, while so beautiful, can deliver some real jabs. Sounds like this was one of those experiences, with the good news being that you’re now working on putting it behind you. Inhale, exhale, head up. Whoever she is, however she made you feel, is not at all a verdict on the awesome, special person who you actually are.

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    Platinum Member maew's Avatar
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    How do you get your self respect back and build your resilience again?
    In my experience the only way to get your resilience back is to take personal responsibility for your actions in this situation. While it's not on you that the person was treating you disrespectfully, it's also not helpful to view yourself as a victim in this situation. I say that with the utmost empathy and respect as I have been in similar situations... including a long term relationship. Once you admit that you chose to be in a relationship with this individual and accept this behavior as part of that, you can empower yourself to make better choices when it comes to having people in your life that will treat you with loving respect.... and you can develop better boundaries to kindly but firmly keep those that don't out of your inner circle.

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    Platinum Member figureitout23's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by canterbury
    I think the whole thing was a grey area. It is hard not to fall for someone sometimes! I never made a move though (wouldn't have dared unless i had a green light).

    I'd say she just used me for attention, which makes it more 'abusive' in a sense. She should feel really proud of herself for using somebody who is vulnerable and, in her mind, with low social value. Congratulations to her, what a gal!

    And yes, getting my resilience back is definately the way to go. It's like i want to heal myself properly before i close myself off again.
    There it is!

    Your need for us to bash her for not returning your affections is concerning to say the least.

    Also quite insulting to survivors of abuse, you weren’t in a relationship, you weren’t even really friends, from the sounds of it this girl was a jerk to you but you stuck around and took it cause you had a crush, there was a moment of niceness that you chose to perceive as a door opening but it wasn’t so now you feel even lower.

    That has literally absolutely zero to do with her.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member melancholy123's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by canterbury

    I'm sorry about your friend that travelled to Mexico with you and then shut down. That is indeed, strange behaviour. How long did you know them before you went to Mexico?
    I knew her for about a year, we actually met at a bed and breakfast in Mexico and became friends there. It's been almost 2 yrs since I've seen her. What is odd is she never dumped me on facebook, I thought she would. She never responds to anything I say about anything to anyone.

    Yeah take your time with people, dont get sucked in to anything.

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