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Thread: Avoidant attachment or something else?

  1. #11

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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    Keep in mind there are many variations of "It's me not you": "I'm not ready, I'm stressed, I'm very busy, I'm afraid, I was hurt before" etc all all variations of the same theme. The same insincerity he used to get into the dating situation is the same insincerity he used to exit. It's really that simple. Try not to impose old relationship theories and issues onto new dating scenarios.
    Well, all in all it does not matter, but fear of commitment is a real thing, and is not always used just as a line. I did not find him insincere, on one side he feels lonely, on the other, closeness seems just so dangerous to him. Of course, he should have dealt with his issues before he started dating again. But I can't help but feel empathy towards him. So whenever I think of him I just send a warm thought out, and then let go.

  2. #12
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Ok, however dating is not social work. It's for you to meet, get to know each other and see how things fit for you. If after a time it's working out you proceed, if at anytime it's not working work and don't see that happening, you exit. Dating and relationships are not to fix, psychoanalyze or change people. It's to try to fit. It's fine to think people are ok but not right for you per se. This guy will be married in a year. Most "commitment-phobes" are after they leave the fixers, motherers and changers.
    Originally Posted by shecat
    I did not find him insincere, on one side he feels lonely, on the other, closeness seems just so dangerous to him. I can't help but feel empathy towards him.

  3. #13
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    To the op and shecat......sometimes people just say stuff to make the ending nicer ...I have done it myself ....try not to tear your brain apart trying to label people .It is sad when it doesn't work out , but I believe it is all how it is supposed to be .....Be kind to yourselves and let it all just go ....the universe has bigger and better plans . Be blessed.
    Last edited by pippy longstocking; 10-28-2019 at 10:36 AM.

  4. #14

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    Ouch, but I was never the fixer, motherer or changer. Even he himself told me many times how he liked I was very chill. It was only later I started to think more of what happened and why (and too much, but I think this is my first experience of the type in my 33y life so I give myself a pardon ;), plus it did teach me a lot... ).

    And of course, who knows, maybe he will get married in a year - but I don't think I like this stereotipical way of thinking "most guys are this", "most girls are that". There is more to a person than that. And also, even if you do get married, doesn't mean the issues are gone. If you think how difficult it is to change a habit, think how difficult it might be to change your whole mindset you've developed since adolescence. It is tough work and most people don't do that.

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  6. #15
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    It sounds like you're trying to understand yourself in all this. I think that's fine overall. It sounds like you were with someone who wasn't too grounded or realistic to start, unfortunately.

    Some of his comments are really uncalled for. He could simply have said he felt you both were incompatible and broken things off in a more simple and tactful way. I wouldn't pry for more information past that if you're on the receiving end. He doesn't owe you much more than the truth. The insistence on being close friends after a break up only suggests to me that he's a very confused individual. Those types of friendships usually don't bode well for most people and inhibits growth. It's apparent he's stagnated emotionally and mentally. He hasn't gone very far or developed himself past his previous relationships. Avoid individuals who have stalled or haven't been able to move past a wall. Everyone needs time to progress on their own time and wavelength.

    For the mean time, don't worry so much about this and move forwards. Keep upbeat and positive and mix around likeminded individuals like yourself. Keep asking questions but learn to put them aside also (time and place for everything). Good luck.

  7. #16

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    Ok I need to get some outside opinion here because I cannot wrap my head around this guy... he is still on my mind no matter how I try not to analyse this. Here is the thing. On each of our dates he really showed me he liked me - he told me loads and loads of compliments - like I don't think I ever got so much appreciation from one person, he remembered everything I said, helped me with my stuff (furniture), his body language showed he was into me and all the little gestures he made.

    He did show signs of not being over his past though too, he told me about it, was still angry/sad about it, yes I admit that. But then there were all the things above.

    So what I wanted to ask, because I was never in a situation that I dated someone briefly and then just broke up for no apparent reason, have any of you been in such situation? That you've shown the care, affection but in the end that was not enough? or was it all fake? were you just in the moment, trying to be nice or whatever? Or is it just like something snaps and you don't feel the same way anymore?
    I think it is because all the things he did and said that told me he was into me, I have such a hard time even believing he is not in the end.... So I need a different perspective. I know it might sound stupid, I know everyone is different, still maybe if I find out what are your stories it will be easier to believe in all that.

  8. #17
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    If you start your own thread on this, you would get fresher replies. You only dated a month and it fizzled out. It happens all the time. There is no real investment there, after a handful of dates, so you can freely move forward and date/find more compatible men.
    Originally Posted by shecat
    I dated someone briefly and then just broke up for no apparent reason, have any of you been in such situation? That you've shown the care, affection but in the end that was not enough? or was it all fake?.

  9. #18
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    Compliments were probably meant in the moment. People can decide you're not compatible, or that they're no longer interested...They are allowed to change their mind. It was 3 months... You'll live.

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