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Thread: She doesn't know I know she has a bf, but she says she want to get back together

  1. #1
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    She doesn't know I know she has a bf, but she says she want to get back together

    I broke up with my gf of two years back in mid-June. She'd been pressing for commitment and I was becoming increasingly aloof, so I ended it. She was very upset, or at least seemed to be. A month later I tried to get her back. This went on for two months. I had the feeling she was seeing someone else, but she insisted she was not. Ultimately, I broke off contact.

    She was lying. I know she has a boyfriend, and it's the same guy she was seeing last summer. After about a month of no contact, I received a letter from her, saying she thinks of me all the time and misses me but still doesn't know what she wants. I responded, outlining the reasons I failed in the relationship and why i think ending it was the wrong idea. We talked on the phone, she became emotional, and she said she wanted to get back together but just wanted to communicate for now. I asked her again if she were single, and she said she wouldn't be talking to me if she weren't.

    She is with her new boyfriend for the weekend but she insists that she's just home alone, depressed and miserable. She texts me "i love you" while is with the other guy. She's super evasive about talking on the phone when it hasn't been planned in advance, and cannot I'm not really looking for advice, I'm just looking to understand. I'm honestly shocked at how far she is willing to go to maintain her fiction. It's nuts.

    Please help me explore what's happened and try to reach some understanding of this behavior. It's unlike anything I've ever seen. She's so, so convincing. I'd really have no idea what was going on if I had taken her at her word.

  2. #2
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    How do you know she is with her boyfriend?

    Honestly, either way, i would tell her "just communication for now" is not acceptable. if all she wants to do is chat on the phone, do not contact you and leave you be until she figure out what exactly she wants. And in the meantime, accept that its over. Work on healing, and when time has passed and you are okay whether she wants you back or not, start dating new women

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    Or idea 2 is just say "i know you have a boyfriend. Please stop contacting me."

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    Can I ask how old you guys are? If she’s not honest enough to admit whether or not she’s seeing someone while professing her love to another man, then you shouldn’t even consider getting back together with her. Don’t you want to be with someone who respects you enough to tell you the truth? How can you trust her? She is using both of you to stroke her ego. Please reflect on why you are still attracted to someone who doesn’t respect you.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    This all sound messy.

    From this post and your last post, it seems you guys have a dynamic that is most powerful when it's dysfunctional. You were aloof when in it, into it when out of it, and now you're both kinda sorta into it while she's seeing someone else—something you seem to have a CIA-like file on. And yet while the information in that file presents a pretty cut-and-dry case for not continuing to entertain this, you are still choosing to entertain it?

    You were in emotional limbo in the relationship, have been in emotional limbo for 4 months—as, it sounds like, she is. This all feels like more of the same. There is a higher state of romantic connection than this, and much higher planes to find it than these means, don't you think?

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    Originally Posted by Chloee1988
    Can I ask how old you guys are? If she’s not honest enough to admit whether or not she’s seeing someone while professing her love to another man, then you shouldn’t even consider getting back together with her. Don’t you want to be with someone who respects you enough to tell you the truth? How can you trust her? She is using both of you to stroke her ego. Please reflect on why you are still attracted to someone who doesn’t respect you.
    She's 27, I'm 33. She clearly has no respect for anyone. I mean good god. She's so polished and committed to these lies. It's something you'd need to experience first-hand to fully appreciate.

    I'm still stuck on her because I genuinely think our connection was incredibly strong and deep. It was honestly the best relationship I've ever had, and I regret how my own issues and patterns of handling conflict affected it. I'm also just profoundly confused about why she'd bother deceiving me in the first place. I wouldn't have been elated to hear that she was seeing someone, but it's not like I would have had a right to be upset, since the relationship was over and it was I who pulled the plug on it.

    The grief has surged back and I'm tired. The letter, the crying on the phone, the defeated and exhausted tone in her voice as she said she wanted to come back, it was all a farce.

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    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    This all sound messy.

    From this post and your last post, it seems you guys have a dynamic that is most powerful when it's dysfunctional. You were aloof when in it, into it when out of it, and now you're both kinda sorta into it while she's seeing someone else—something you seem to have a CIA-like file on. And yet while the information in that file presents a pretty cut-and-dry case for not continuing to entertain this, you are still choosing to entertain it?

    You were in emotional limbo in the relationship, have been in emotional limbo for 4 months—as, it sounds like, she is. This all feels like more of the same. There is a higher state of romantic connection than this, and much higher planes to find it than these means, don't you think?

    My reluctance during the relationship was mostly about being uncertain that I could make the sort of commitment that she reasonably expected. I loved her. When we split, I was surprised how strong the grief was. The limbo afterward was maintained by her. I was very consistent in what I wanted. This is definitely not a situation I'd like to maintain.

    I need to cut all contact again, and the only real decisions surrounding that involve whether or not I explain myself. I'm mostly interested in understanding the behavior and any role I might have had in it.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by biscuit2020
    it was all a farce.
    I think this is kind of extreme. All you need to do, after all, is remember your two years with her to recall what it's like to be in a relationship and not totally in it, committed to it, and be disrespectful (to others, to yourself) in the process.

    Could she be in something like that? Could she still be hurting, grieving, confused, and going about that the best she knows how? Could this all just be another sign that you are two humans who are not great for each other, rather than a sign that she's a deceitful fraud?

    For your own growth and future connections—with yourself, with others—I think that processing all this along those lines might be healthier, if also more honest.

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    Can I ask what kind of evidence you have that proves she has a boyfriend?

  11. #10
    Platinum Member melancholy123's Avatar
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    27 and 33? I thought you two were 15 and 17. She doesnt appear to know what she wants so you'd be further ahead to block and delete her and move on.

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