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Thread: Is my bf cheating on me?

  1. #1

    Is my bf cheating on me?

    Hello everyone,

    Background: my boyfriend has moved to my country to live with me. He does not speak the language here or have any local friends, so he is engaging in something called "language exchange". This is him meeting people who are interested to learn his native language, and in exchange teach him the local language. It can be a good way to learn to know locals and to pick up some language.

    But now we have a problem. He is 45 and has a 19-year old college girl as language exchange partner!! They meet once every week, in a coffee shop for HOURS (for typically 3h). After the meeting they have even walked _together_ to the subway station!

    The worst is, after one of the exchange they even had DINNER together AND went and watched a light show! Another time he stayed and chatted with her for almost AN HOUR instead of coming straight home! (and was not home until midnight!)

    Also, before two of their meetings my boyfriend even showered!

    When I asked him if he had told her about me, he said only briefly - that he moved to this country "because he knew a woman here". Like he is hiding he is in a relationship!

    Is he cheating or planning to cheat on me?

    ------------------

    His version (he is typing):

    My language is not very popular here, and most people don't even speak English. It took me 6 months of looking to find an Language Exchange (LE) partner. Most who do LE are young (under 30) and maybe 75% are female. Yes my partner is 19, she speaks good English, and is seriously learning my country's language (she knew some before we met already). I did meet with 6 others before her (3 guys and 3 girls), but somehow they were not interested in continuing - and in a two cases they were, frankly, just too stupid. An LE meeting must be a bit relaxed and informal - which involves some chatting about other things.

    My situation here in my new home country is _very_ lonely. I know nobody except my hermit-y girlfriend (who does not like to go out much) - so I end up sitting at home day in day out without any human interaction. This LE partner is the only other person I speak to here, and that is only for a few hours every week. Other than scheduling our next meetings (something I have even showed to my gf), we have no contact outside our meetings. We do not have each others phone, IM, social media etc. All and only contact is through (short) messages on the LE site.

    Yes I stayed and chatted with her an hour after one of the sessions, because it was so nice to talk to someone. We do not speak about personal things, just about news, politics, studies, movies etc.

    There is NOTHING going on between us, and I don't want anything else going on. She is 19 for *&^* sake!
    In fact, the way things are with her are EXACTLY how I want to keep them. Not more, not less. And she is actually a very good teacher (and studies to become one).

    Walking together from the coffee shop to the subway (5 mins) .. it is the polite thing to do after a meeting. It is not that we walk hand in hand or something.
    The dinner and light show .. happened by accident after one of our meetings. We left the coffee shop, and she was surprised why I was not going to the subway. I said I was going to a restaurant nearby to eat something, and she said she was hungry too.. and I felt obliged to invite her to join. (And, I really did not mind that, it is nice to spend some time in company of another person). The light show was 10 minutes, and maybe 15 minutes to get there. No big deal imo. (I even texted my gf that I was going there, and would be home a little later)

    I have seen my LE partner maybe 6-7 times now. The showering the day before our first meeting was because I had not showered the day before (since all I do is sit at home), and wanted not to be too disgusting when I meet a new person. Yes, I brushed my teeth too.

  2. #2
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    I donít think he is cheating but there are other things that donít sit right with me?

    How did you meet him?
    Do you know his language ? If not are you trying to learn it?

    Why is he at home all day by himself??
    Is he not working? He doesnít need to know the local language to work in a factory , yet he will get to talk the local language with work mates?

    Are you like a hermit?? Have you not introduced him to friends with whom he can practice the language?

    There is more to this story than you are relating??

  3. #3
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    Why is he typing all of that to you, OP? Was this email response to your accusation or something? I see he had to defend showering the day before he met up with her, which suggests you are on high alert and looking for signs in normal behaviour (ie. showering) that could mean he's cheating. Why wouldn't he shower before a social engagement? Walking with her for a few minutes to the subway isn't a sign of cheating either.

    I too live abroad and did language exchange in the past, before I knew the local language. Living in a foreign country where you don't know the language and don't know anyone can be tough. Plenty of folks turn to language exchange and meet-ups to try to socialize at first. I don't necessarily think he's trying to cheat with this girl, but I do see some other red flags: he was dishonest about why he came to your country and the fact that he has a girlfriend. He has also been sitting at home for months. Does he not have the correct documentation to work in your country? How did he intend to make ends meet if he couldn't speak the language enough to find work? What was the plan for him to get settled? How did you meet him?

  4. #4
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    His response seems very honest and believable to me, but within his words are signs that he is struggling to be happy when he is so lonely and you rarely want to go out anywhere. If I'd moved to another country where I didn't even speak the language for someone then I'd feel very disappointed and depressed in his situation.

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  6. #5
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    Originally Posted by poorlittlefish
    His response seems very honest and believable to me, but within his words are signs that he is struggling to be happy when he is so lonely and you rarely want to go out anywhere. If I'd moved to another country where I didn't even speak the language for someone then I'd feel very disappointed and depressed in his situation.
    I agree ..his version seems fair enough .

    However , it reads like you both didn't know each other at all before a big move was involved . He can't just sit home 24/7 , he will go mad , didn't you both talk about what social activities you like , plan life together ?
    Did he just want to get to your country ?

    At any rate it sounds like a total mis match .

  7. #6
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Is showering or brushing his teeth a rare event for him?🛁

    How do you know each other? How long have you been together? Does he work? Do you two speak the same language? It sounds like he's using your place to as a pit stop. You don't seem to have much of a relationship.
    Originally Posted by TotoroGirl
    my boyfriend has moved to my country to live with me. He does not speak the language here.
    before two of their meetings my boyfriend even showered!



    My situation here in my new home country is _very_ lonely. I know nobody except my hermit-y girlfriend.The showering the day before our first meeting was because I had not showered the day before (since all I do is sit at home), and wanted not to be too disgusting when I meet a new person. Yes, I brushed my teeth too.

  8. #7
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    Originally Posted by poorlittlefish
    His response seems very honest and believable to me, but within his words are signs that he is struggling to be happy when he is so lonely and you rarely want to go out anywhere. If I'd moved to another country where I didn't even speak the language for someone then I'd feel very disappointed and depressed in his situation.
    But would you move to a country whose language you donít speak, donít work and live as a parasite?
    He is not struggling to be happy. He is attempting to convince the op to continue to pay his way.
    He is not cheating but he is likely pretending to be a bf as a ticket to get in.

  9. #8
    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    Is showering or brushing his teeth a rare event for him?🛁

    How do you know each other? How long have you been together? Does he work? Do you two speak the same language? It sounds like he's using your place to as a pit stop. You don't seem to have much of a relationship.
    In my country the custom is to shower in the evening after the day. We speak a common language (English).

    He is in between jobs (by choice), and pays his share of expenses.


    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    Is showering or brushing his teeth a rare event for him?
    No, but he usually brushes his teeth and showers before bed.

    Originally Posted by pippy longstocking
    Did he just want to get to your country ?
    We wanted to be together. He is not from a "poor" country.

    Originally Posted by Billie28
    Have you not introduced him to friends with whom he can practice the language?
    He meets some people occasionally, but they are not interested in practicing the language or making friends.

  10. #9
    Originally Posted by poorlittlefish
    His response seems very honest and believable to me, but within his words are signs that he is struggling to be happy when he is so lonely and you rarely want to go out anywhere. If I'd moved to another country where I didn't even speak the language for someone then I'd feel very disappointed and depressed in his situation.
    We take walks most evenings. This lonely thing is probably exaggeration on his part. We have dinner or coffee out maybe once or twice a week.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    This girl is too young for you to be hanging around with.

    Why did you not tell her that the woman you are with..IS your girlfriend and love? Make that very clear to her.

    But yes, as for the dinner etc, it's not appropriate nor is walking her to the subway. It's going past boundaries and you shouldn't be doing it.

    However, I do agree that your boyfriend should be making friends and getting to know the city. He could join clubs or sports or some kind of hobby that interests him.
    It's a better idea to focus on men friends in my opinion.

    But this 19 year old girl? No, not appropriate.

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