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Thread: To message or not

  1. #1
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    To message or not

    Long story short, we dated for a year, best friends for 9 before that.
    I thought everything was going fairly well, a few little arguments but nothing overly major. Just 3 days before he left we bought a pet together, this break up was spontaneous not pre thought out

    The day before he left me we'd had an argument, I'm good at admitting when I'm wrong but this argument really wasn't my fault and I stayed calm and tried to resolve it.
    He didn't want to see me, but he'd messaged me saying he wasn't sure about us any more. Then he asks me to go to dinner with his family, so I do and ask to speak to him afterwards. We speak, and he says he's not sure he wants to be with me anymore, I was obviously very upset and totally didn't see it coming, but tried to stay calm and not get angry, and it ended with me saying I didn't want to be with someone who isn't sure about if they want me. I asked to collect my things as I was dropping him home anway. He declined and seemed panicked and more upset than I was, so I agreed. When I left his, he asked to keep contact. He didn't want a clean cut (I did, as I've left a 5 year relationship and I didn't want to be strung along again). This was on a Sunday, I didn't message at all and he messaged me on Monday night saying he couldn't bear not knowing if I was okay and that he needed to see me
    So he came over Tuesday, and we agreed to attempt to try and work on things slowly. I agreed, so along as there would be no one else whilst we worked through this - he agreed.
    All I asked from him during this time, was that he let me knows when he gets home safely. Not who he's with, Where's he's going, just that he gets home safe. As he works till early hours and has an hour walk home, I used to pick him up because its a dangerous road and I hated the thought of him walking alone in the dark.
    He invites me to go out with his family the following Sunday, I agree. He goes out drinking the Saturday night (totally out of character, he hates drinking usually) but again, all I asked was to let me know he was safe.
    When I woke up, he hadn't messaged so I contacted to politely say that this wasn't doing my anxiety any good, and that I was going to stop speaking to him until he decides what he wants as this half assing it was too much for me.
    When he contacts me about 4 days later, he said it didn't feel right trying to work it out any more and he hopes we can stay friends. I didn't beg, but I didn't ask him if he was sure if it's what he really wanted. He said it was, he said things might change in the future but didn't want to hold out on that - fair enough, it hurt but I tried to understand.
    I asked when to grab my things, and he kept putting it off until I told him I was just coming to get it because dragging it out seemed pointless - he said it felt like I was just removing him quickly. When I arrive at his, he was very upset. Very tearful, but he said going back wouldn't work as I wouldn't trust him again - I agreed, it would be extremely hard to go back.
    Since then, he kept pestering me late at night for sex, the first time I explicitly told him how much it hurt me and I wouldn't accept it. He did it again a few days later, so I told him us being friends wasn't going to work. He understood, and said he was sorry and that he wishes me well. He then blocks me on everything bar Facebook.
    He then kept liking lots of my posts, and i decided after about a month on no contact to unfriended. How can I move on, with his name popping up every few days
    A day after I unfriended him I got a message just regarding some money that of his that hadcgone missing.
    That was 10 days ago, since then no contact whatsoever.

    Now, I'm in a MUCH better headspace than I was in the beginning. I can't read into messages, I don't have false hope and I'm slowly reaching the acceptance stage of this breakup. But there's this part of me that still really wants to contact him. I feel like I gave up too easily, because I wanted to keep my dignity and not degrade myself like I did with my last partner. (which worked, but we split again and it was HORRIFIC)
    I really just need someone to give me their opinions on my situations and talk me out of doing something I may very well regret :(

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    Use common sense. It's over. Don't contact him. Be strong, remain tough and carry on. He's done with you and you are done with him.

    You will regret it if you always go backwards with your attempts to contact him when the relationship is dead.

    He should be out of sight, out of mind in order for you to forge ahead with your life. Have a sense of purpose and stop obsessing over him because he's not worth it. You deserve so much better. Give yourself self-respect and move on. It's a relief that he's no more. Good riddance!

    If you want to keep your dignity and NOT degrade yourself, stop looking back at him all the time. Move forward and have a fresh start with your life. Be wise from now on. I'm sorry you're going through this. Time will heal your old wounds someday.

    Distract yourself with mentally healthy distractions. Exercise, eat well, surround yourself with very decent, honorable people and you will be ok!

  3. #3
    Bronze Member Skeptic76's Avatar
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    Second guessing and doubt are part of every breakup and probably everyone on this forum knows what it’s like to agonize over the “coulda, shoulda, wouldas.” Sorry you’re feeling torn - but to me it sounds like you know exactly what it is that’s truly best for you in this situation and it sounds like you’re healthy enough to do exactly that. Keep us posted?

  4. #4
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    The breakup was definitely not spontaneous.
    Often the person dumped believes it was out of the blue and therefore struggles to understand.

    The reason you believe it was spontaneous was because of buying a pet.
    But you don’t live together.
    So essentially what happened is that one of you bought a pet and the other went along and helped choose , perhaps even pay.
    But certainly no sign of commitment to either the relationship or pet.

    The guy simply wants to be single. Yes sure he likes you but not enough to give up single life.

    What would you want to gain by contacting him?

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  6. #5
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    Originally Posted by Xxshannonxx1
    I feel like I gave up too easily, because I wanted to keep my dignity and not degrade myself like I did with my last partner. (which worked, but we split again and it was HORRIFIC)
    You've got that backwards.

    He gave up. You had no choice but to follow suit. You were not the one to suddenly end it. That's on him, so you need to let go of the narrative that this is somehow your fault and that you had any control over the outcome. He orchestrated this by initiating the break-up. What you did or didn't do thereafter wouldn't have changed a thing.

    And as Billie points out, this almost certainly was not spontaneous on his part. You might not have seen it coming, but unless the guy is mentally unstable, it is very unlikely he hadn't previously thought about ending it before he actually did. Something in him wanted out and the last argument was the exit hatch for him. Sometimes dumpers will manufacture conflict to give themselves more tangible "permission" to end it, so to speak. What was the argument about, anyway?

    To answer your initial question, there is no sense in contacting him. He doesn't want to reconcile and I don't think he ever really did. He also showed you he will disrespect your feelings enough to try to get some on-strings sex from you, which is the height of selfish immaturity on his part. You don't want a guy who will do something like that to a woman he's just dumped. It speaks volumes about his character, and it's not good.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry to hear this. It sounds like he's been unhappy and planning his exit for a while, despite "buying a pet together". It also seems you were much more invested and read too much into things, such as "buying a pet together" which means nothing.

    He may have precipitated the argument as part of that exit plan. It sounds like you were friends and he didn't want to be bf/gf, just fwb. There could be someone else he's seeing but still wants you as a fwb/backup plan. Block and delete him and all his people. He's not your friend.
    Originally Posted by Xxshannonxx1
    The day before he left me we'd had an argument.
    He didn't want to see me, but he'd messaged me saying he wasn't sure about us any more.
    he's not sure he wants to be with me anymore. it ended with me saying I didn't want to be with someone who isn't sure about if they want me.
    A day after I unfriended him I got a message just regarding some money that of his that hadcgone missing.

  8. #7
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    It wasn't just the pet that made me think was spontaneous though, but regardless if it was spontaneous or not it doesn't really matter now anyway, he left anyway.
    I'm kind of over the "I want him back" phase, but 9 years of friendship just gone, hurts the most. I guess I'm just having a bit of a bad week, probably because I tried dating again to realise how awful dating is!

  9. #8
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    Yeah, I think the argument was definitely precipitated as it was so ridiculous and uncessary! I was worried about him seeing someone else, I think that's why I tried to stay friends so I could know. But I wouldn't have a clue now, don't have him on anything or any way of seeing. I don't worry about it so much any more

  10. #9
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    Originally Posted by Xxshannonxx1
    Yeah, I think the argument was definitely precipitated as it was so ridiculous and uncessary! I was worried about him seeing someone else, I think that's why I tried to stay friends so I could know. But I wouldn't have a clue now, don't have him on anything or any way of seeing. I don't worry about it so much any more
    Perhaps your intuition was trying to tell you something. In other words, maybe you were correctly sensing that something wasn't right.

    What led you to believe he was seeing someone else?

  11. #10
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    Well he'd recently moved house and started a new job, and he began to speak of this new girl and how she'd made him laugh that shift. Shortly after the breakup they started hanging out more outside of work. And the fact when she started, is when things seemed to start going downwards for us, and he said to me "he wants to make us work, but he can't. It doesn't feel right" it felt like he felt guilty for something but he denied their being anyone else, but my dad has had his suspicions too and my dad's rarely wrong. My dad was actually so surprised that he seemed to just change person overnight, i couldn't make sense of anything he was saying. I donsuffer with anxiety, which had an effect on our relationship despite me trying to contain it. (since breakup have gone into therapy to work on these issues) and he told me he felt like he lost who he was and sacrificed too much to make me happy - he did say it wasn't my fault, and that he chose to give certain things up but I definitely shouldnt have made him feel like he had too, but at the time, I really had no idea he was doing it as he never told me how it made it feel.
    The new girl, from what I've heard, is actually a lot like me. Fun, likes to party and seems just genuinely nice. Maybe he thought it would be better with her as she might not have the issues I have, but there's no point speculating because I have no idea if anythings happened or if I've over thought myself in making up an entirely untrue situation. I guess I'll never know

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