I don't know if I can trust her

[Crispyjay]

Let's start at the top.

About 6 years ago, I found out (found out, not told) that my girlfriend (32 now)was cheating on me (also 32 now). I love her to death and I've wanted to be with her since we were 11. We got together about 12 years ago and have had 2 children and live together. When i found out I was crushed. Absolutely crushed.

I kicked her out but after a teary phonecall I took her back. Things only went as far as texting (as far as I know) so I saw my relationship as more important.

Ive had it in my mind every day since. Every phonecall, every time she goes out, I wonder if anything will happen. For 6 years.

We had a massive row about it about 2 months ago. When it happened, she blamed me. We were distant with each other and I was moody. However, as it transpires, SHE was moody because she wasn't happy with where we lived. She was uncomfortable so she became selfish. Didn't do anything around the house, spent her life on her phone, usual rubbish. I became moody about it and didn't deal with it properly. So she cheated. She blamed me, I blamed me. And I had done for 6 years.

It only came out in our 2 month ago row that it was the house that got her down and not my mood. So SHE was uncomfortable, but thought it right to cheat but blame me.

Thats the first thing. I hope it makes sense.

Recently we had our row. I told her I should hate her for doing this to me. I told her I should have kicked her out and have been done with it.

The truth is I didn't want to. I love her. But I don't trust her. And I haven't forgiven her.

That's part 1.

More recently she was in her phone in the car, as I approached to out some stuff in the back, she turned her phone off and threw it under her leg. In the effort to make sure I deal with problems as they arise, I called her on it when we got home. We had another teary conversation where I wanted her to leave and I didn't trust her. Apparently it was a misunderstanding, she was putting it away anyway. I made it clear how I felt though. I won't take that behaviour anymore.

That's part 2.

Since THAT row, I discovered (by accident, I didn't read what email address was inputted) that she changed her passwords a few days ago. Apparently she was hacked. Even though she's recently already changed her passwords because shed been hacked before apparently.

She told me in our last row that she loved me and wanted to be with me and that she'd address her behaviour. But then changed her passwords....

I don't know what to believe. If shes genuine then I really do want to carry on. I love her. But I definitely don't trust her.

What do I do?

[DancingFool]

Is being cheated on OK with you?

This is a serious question you need to answer because you have only two options here which are that you either admit that living with cheater isn't working for you and you leave her or you accept who she is and turn a blind eye to her cheating ways.

She pulled such classic cheater bs on you, it's almost comical in a sad and twisted sort of way. Oh, she was unhappy with the house, so she went a fck'ed someone else to be happier....and btw, that's your fault for putting her in a house she doesn't like.... Dude you know this is garbage, but more importantly, you need to understand that this is who she is. She is not going to change.

You are also absurdly easy to dupe. I mean really.....she was putting the phone away and you just didn't understand what your eyes were seeing? Come on man.

You can't trust her because she lies and cheats. Duh. So, is this how you want to spend the rest of your life? Knots in your stomach all the time? This is not what love looks like, so please don't keep telling yourself that you love her. Being afraid of change, of being alone, of having to rebuild a new life is more likely truth, but is this life you are leading good enough for you? Do you really want to spend another 30 years feeling like you do right now every.single.day?

[Crispyjay]

Sometimes what you want to hear isn't what you want to hear lol.

Im definitely not afraid to be alone. I was more than happy to see her go during our last fight. The apology just felt genuine. The wanting to change felt genuine.

But you're right. It happened again.

How long do I put up with it...

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear this. Is it your house? Aren't there laws in your country about "kicking people out"? You two need an attorney and therapy. Not to stay together but to untangle this mess and spare your kids from all this in/out, on/off volatile chaos and conflict they are unfortunately witnessing.

Get an exit agreement and get a court ordered visitation/custody schedule and child support agreement in place. You're both angry and miserable and too wrapped up in that to have any decent life for your kids. Stay apart and do so legally.

We got together about 12 years ago and have had 2 children and live together. When i found out I was crushed. Absolutely crushed.

I kicked her out

[tattoobunnie]

So you are still upset over a text exchange 6 years ago? If I was her, I would have left years ago. She made a mistake six years ago. Either you commit to moving forward, or just break up. No one needs to live under the stress of never trusting your partner, and a partner that never trusts you back.

[Crispyjay]

Not quite.

That's just how it started. And when you feel responsible for something for so long that actually wasn't you, it changes things.

My issue is a)we didn't handle it an b) there's more that's happened. I don't know where to draw the line

[DancingFool]

Sometimes what you want to hear isn't what you want to hear lol.

Im definitely not afraid to be alone. I was more than happy to see her go during our last fight. The apology just felt genuine. The wanting to change felt genuine.

But you're right. It happened again.

How long do I put up with it...

It felt that way because you want to believe, but it's not your reality.

How long do you put up with it? Nobody can really tell you that. Only you can decide when enough is enough. You'll stop putting up with it when you stop hoping that she'll be someone she isn't, accept her at face value and decide it isn't good enough for you. The actual time line for that is your own.

There is a great blog for people dealing with this chumplady.com also a book called "leave a cheater, gain a life". You might want to check it out because you'll find lots of information and support from people who are in your exact shoes or worse. Highly recommend you perusing that site and spending some time on it. You'll find it quite eye opening.

[Rose Mosse]

She's not happy with you. Whether or not she's cheating is your side of the story. I'd limit your own emotional trauma by using words with her like "I should hate [you] for doing this to me". She's done this to herself, not to you. It's because deep down she's unhappy. For your own mental health, stop playing the victim.

It would be emotional cheating if it's via text messages or phone contact. Infidelity or deception is still infidelity and deception. I understand you're hurt and in a lot of turmoil, especially considering you're both parenting two kids.

Without trust and mutual respect, a relationship cannot survive or thrive. You're setting yourselves up for failure going forwards without any real attempts to rebuild trust and mutual respect. If you do feel she is not capable of this because of her issues and how unhappy she is overall, start speaking with a lawyer about how best to move forwards with a separation. You'll have to be honest with yourself and strong enough to let go. She will always remain the mother of your children. Stop the hatred between the both of you, end the cheating fingerpointing and stop the accusations and move forwards.

[tattoobunnie]

b) there's more that's happened

What else happened?

Think of it this way. You aren't happy. She isn't happy. I know you've been with her forever, but there's nothing here that anyone can say including your girlfriend of 12 years that can make you stop spinning the same broken record over and over again.

Stop. You CANNOT KEEP DOING THIS ANYMORE - THis relationship - This treatment - this attitude. Regardless of what she did, it's either you want to be with her or you don't. And for you to keep bringing it up over and over again, you don't. I know it's scary to imagine a life without her, the mother of your kids, your childhood sweetheart, but the way you treat her isn't love. Forgiveness is true love.

[Crispyjay]

I know it's scary to imagine a life without her, the mother of your kids, your childhood sweetheart, but the way you treat her isn't love. Forgiveness is true love.[/QUOTE]

That's what a lot of the literature and articles I've read have said.

Forgiveness comes with compromise though. Its perhaps a conversation we need to have.

I know it looks like I'm dwelling on something stupid from 6 years ago, but it's a revelation that changed recently. And I dwelled on it because I didn't know what I'd done. It turned out, nothing. But that was only revealed 2 months ago.

Also other stuff I've mentioned earlier in the article. Stuff that's happened lately.

I want to feel like I'm being daft.

And moreso I want to believe it can be worked on. But when you're writing a 3 stage article about it then maybe thats your answer.