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Thread: I don't know if I can trust her

  1. #21
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Crispyjay
    Not quite.

    That's just how it started. And when you feel responsible for something for so long that actually wasn't you, it changes things.

    My issue is a)we didn't handle it an b) there's more that's happened. I don't know where to draw the line
    You say you had a conversation with her and she's told you that she loves you and wants to be with You. So: Now you two must go to marital counseling so that the two of you can get help in finding trust in one another and to learn communication tools wherein when one is unhappy about something, they talk about it openly instead of cheating.

    You don't trust her and without trust, your relationship is just going to deteriorate further and further.

    Will you go to marriage counselling? Will she go? If either of you say no then just see a lawyer and get a legal separation (none of this "kicking out" she is the mother of your children for goodness sakes and has rights and obligation just as you do).

  2. #22
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    She was cheating then, she's cheating now, dunno why you would put up with it. Your life is worth more than this right? Her saying she loves you means fck all when she treats you like trash.

    Having the nerve to blame you for her actions?
    You staying is just telling her you are weak and will tolerate being played and walked over.

    She won't change, this is her character. Time to break up. -_-

  3. #23
    Platinum Member smackie9's Avatar
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    Well I agree you both should sit down and talk about what you want, what you need, how you feel, ask for suggestions, make a compromise, come to some agreement on how and when to communication with each other from here on out. Figuring out expectations is where it begins. You are right no one handled it properly when this all started. It's the lack of honest communication, not coming to terms with what happened or working out a proper resolution. When you corner and accuse you get a brick wall of resistance. This type of thing destroys relationships. Maybe a few sessions of couples counseling with give you some perspective in how you both want to handle this.

  4. #24
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Honeycomb8
    She was cheating then, she's cheating now, dunno why you would put up with it. Your life is worth more than this right? Her saying she loves you means fck all when she treats you like trash.

    Having the nerve to blame you for her actions?
    You staying is just telling her you are weak and will tolerate being played and walked over.

    She won't change, this is her character. Time to break up. -_-
    No disrespect, Honeycomb but this is exactly why marriage counselling is needed. There was a problem in the marriage. Period. She will blame him and he will resent her for what she did. They need to get past that dynamic and that thinking and personal therapy as well as marriage counselling will help them get there or, if there isn't anything left in either of them to work together, then at least they will know that they have done what they could before they sever the relationship.

    I think if it was as clear to the Op as it is to those that are on the "dump her" bandwagon, then he'd have just done it without the need of the opinions and advice of strangers on the internet.

    JMNSHO

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  6. #25
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    They're not married and he's just staying hoping she'd change and because he loves her. But the thing is love shouldn't take precedence over self respect and dignity. Counselling doesn't change what she did and is still doing.

  7. #26
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Honeycomb8
    They're not married and he's just staying hoping she'd change and because he loves her. But the thing is love shouldn't take precedence over self respect and dignity. Counselling doesn't change what she did and is still doing.
    No, they're not married in front of a church however:

    I love her to death and I've wanted to be with her since we were 11. We got together about 12 years ago and have had 2 children and live together.
    They are just as good as married.

    There is no proof that she is cheating since the Op has not gotten the strength to tell his common law wife what he THINKS he has discovered and clearly he doesn't trust her so everything she does is going to seem suspect to him (as he's admitted)

    Their love for one another does not change what she did or any apathy or taking for granted in the marriage that he may have done so; when you have that much history together and they both have shown that they want to be together then it seems to be worth it to THEM to do all they can do to get past this. Self respect and dignity can shine when they have tools in place to show one another how they value each other and to help get past what 'they' did. Ego has no place in this if they want to make it work.

  8. #27
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    Lots of great points made.

    Truth is, I'm absolutely sick of thinking about it. I HATE that I've done this to myself. And it is me. I know she's done some selfish stuff recently but I have too.

    We had a looooong chat last night. I straight up asked why she did what she did originally. It was stupidity and naivety, I can't really argue it. It was what it was. I said to her face 'i forgive you,'. For my own sanity as much as hers really. End of the day, it was years ago. I can't (more importantly, don't WANT to) think about that anymore.

    With regards to the more recent stuff, she realised what a d*ck move things like changing passwords etc was. There's some other stuff I haven't gone into but it was just handled terribly and I reacted terribly. She apologized and acknowledged how they were disrespectful and undermined the relationship (and me!).

    Its hard. I'm not going to lie. But I want it to work and she seems to want to too.

    Its early days and I'm on edge but I can at least look forwards more than backwards. We are a loving family. I know it seems hard to believe but we truly are. We both have gone off course.

    For my own sake, I have indeed opted for counselling. I think working on my own self worth/confidence is just as important.

    I've been chatting to a pal of mine and as he seemed to be going through the same thing. As it transpired, HE was unfaithful which wasn't terribly helpful. But he's with his girlfriend to this day. They look at the same, a great stupid mistake. It gives me hope for my relationship. And I know couples much older who have gone through similar things. They worked it out.

    I'm not saying I'd be ok if I found he rsleeping with someone else NOW. I think I'd cut all ties there. But what I am saying is, I have nothing to prove she's done anything unfaithful. Literally nothing.

    There sure as hell been stuff that made me feel disrespected. That I'll be nipping in the bud at every turn from now on.

    As we are though, we can work on us. We can build and be better. Like I said, I've done some stupid and selfish things too (not cheating, but sh*tty). We haven't called each other on these things, neither have we stopped to consider our actions with regards to the others feelings. We talked it through and know that now.

    This might read like 'giving in' or 'being walked all over', but I truly believe it's not like that. I won't put up with certain sh*t anymore, which I have done for too long. I'll speak my mind. I'm not afraid to call it if I have to. But as it stands, I don't feel I need to.

    Being open about this stuff with each other has helped massively (duh). I hate that we NEED to have the conversations but I love that we DO have them. It would be so easy to just say, too hard, walk away. But I truly feel I don't need to.

  9. #28
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    You need counselling if you want to stay together. For the sake of your kids either get over this or end it but stop the war stop with your girlfriend, "kicking her out", being a jerk, etc. Stop terrorizing your kids with your ego and jealousy. She cheated. You stayed. Get over it or get out.
    Originally Posted by Crispyjay
    About 6 years ago, I found out that my girlfriend was cheating on me. We have 2 children and live together.

  10. #29
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    Good luck. Imo, it takes more strength to walk away.

    I sadly don't think it'll be a situation where she just stops cheating. You condoned it this long, it's gonna happen again and again, and she won't even need to hide it. All your actions are confirmation that you'll stay despite how she treats you.

    It's really sad :l.

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