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Thread: I don't know if I can trust her

  1. #11
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    You should have dumped her. This is not good for your kids!

  2. #12
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    The popular myth about cheaters is that they are poor creatures who are just sooo miserable with their partner and they just wanted a bit of happiness in their life....BS BS BS

    Cheaters cheat due to a fundamental lack of character and quite frankly because they enjoy the thrill of lying. No, they don't think there will be consequences, they don't think they'll get caught, even when caught, they'll keep lying to avoid or minimize consequences. Bonus if they can dupe you completely into thinking you are crazy and they are just loyal and misunderstood.

    After cheating and breaking trust, it's on the cheater to rebuild the trust and the bonds, NEVER on the victim of their cheating and lies. Unfortunately, it's invariably the person they cheated on who trips over themselves to try to make things work, to forgive, etc. To rebuild the bonds means 100% transparency at all times with her volunteering it rather than you policing. Instead she changes her passwords.....

    The thing about forgiveness....you aren't her priest. You need to forgive yourself at some point for choosing a partner poorly, but not your job to forgive them for being a low life.

    I know you want to be told that you should stick with her, but I have a conscience and it won't allow me to tell you what you want to hear. Sorry.

  3. #13
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    Forgiveness is forgiveness. There's nothing to compromise or have it with strings attached. Forgiveness is forgiveness. And forgiveness is also for you.

    But just because you've been with her for 12 years with two kids, it doesn't mean you have to stay. Even if you had a revelation 2 months ago, it's still over something 6 years ago. I should also preface that I'm two years on the other side of the same situation. So really even if they did it for attention or revenge or selfishness. It's either you want to just move forward or part. After all this time, you cannot keep one foot in both.

    Now if this happened two months ago, I'd be telling you to take it one day at time. But after 6 years, it's all about your bruised ego, and has NOTHING to do with the betterment of your family and your relationship. So what if she changed her passwords? Just ask for the new ones.

  4. #14
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    Fair point lots of people make.

    Part of this is DEFINITELY bruised ego. That my cross to bear. I'm taking counselling and working on self improvement. That's what I'm happy to do though. I actually believe you should try to improve yourself all the time.

    The thing is I don't WANT her passwords. I don't WANT to read messages. She entitled to her privacy. Its just another dodgy thing I happened to find out.

    I'd love to think forgiveness is as black and white as that. There are some lovely forgiveness/cheater videos on YouTube that break it down. You can forgive the act. But you can't just pretend that other behaviour can go unchecked.

    My plan is to have a conversation about this with her. We lay our cards down and see what we both want.

    This will most definitely come with attitude changes and behaviour changes. It HAS to. How can it not? If it were me that cheated and I kept doing all the same stuff then how is that improvement?

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  6. #15
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Crispyjay
    My plan is to have a conversation about this with her. We lay our cards down and see what we both want.

    This will most definitely come with attitude changes and behaviour changes. It HAS to. How can it not? If it were me that cheated and I kept doing all the same stuff then how is that improvement?
    You're expecting her to change the symptoms but the underlying causes are great unhappiness and possibly, some other unearthed severe issues and misunderstandings between the both of you. I see infidelity as a symptom of that increasing rift or distance between the both of you.

    If you are sincerely open to having a conversation with her I'd put down the idea of cheating as a problem. It's a symptom, not the main problem between the both of you. It's like shaving the leaf/surface area of a weed but the roots go far deeper into the ground and it will just spring up again. You have not removed the roots.

  7. #16
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Crispyjay
    Sometimes what you want to hear isn't what you want to hear lol.

    Im definitely not afraid to be alone. I was more than happy to see her go during our last fight. The apology just felt genuine. The wanting to change felt genuine.

    .
    She genuinely apologized? For what exactly because in your story she not once, but twice blamed you for making her cheat.

    Real change happens after someone has taken full accountability for their mistake.

    She may have used apologetic words to relieve her own discomfort but it falls short from being genuinely accountable for her actions.
    Especially when she goes as far as to blame you for it.

  8. #17
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    Originally Posted by Rose Mosse
    You're expecting her to change the symptoms but the underlying causes are great unhappiness and possibly, some other unearthed severe issues and misunderstandings between the both of you. I see infidelity as a symptom of that increasing rift or distance between the both of you.

    If you are sincerely open to having a conversation with her I'd put down the idea of cheating as a problem. It's a symptom, not the main problem between the both of you. It's like shaving the leaf/surface area of a weed but the roots go far deeper into the ground and it will just spring up again. You have not removed the roots.
    ^^ I completely agree. You either trust someone or you don't- it's really that simple. If you are saying " I don't know if I can trust her"- you don't. This is the biggest reason couples split after infidelity- the partner doesn't feel that they can ever trust them again. Unless you are with someone 24/7- you can NEVER be 100% sure that they aren't cheating on you. It all boils down to what you believe and if you trust them.

  9. #18
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    I would strongly recommend marriage counselling.

    This has been going on a long time, and is very clearly still simmering very close the surface of your relationship. As it's boiling over again, it's time to sincerely address the issues that were apparently never really addressed.

  10. #19
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    They're not married, he simply "threw her out last time" which makes the situation and volatility even worse for their 2 kids. They are not committed to each other and not because of a piece of paper or not, but because of rancor and grudges and betrayals.
    Originally Posted by MissCanuck
    I would strongly recommend marriage counselling.

  11. #20
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    Originally Posted by Crispyjay
    We lay our cards down and see what we both want.
    What for? You left some info out, so from your post, it just looks like 2 months ago you had a revelation, and have been taking it out on her for the last two months for something that happened six years ago.

    To me, based on what you wrote, you are the one that needs to work through your feelings. Either to commit or move on.

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