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I don't know if I can trust her


Crispyjay

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Let's start at the top.

 

About 6 years ago, I found out (found out, not told) that my girlfriend (32 now)was cheating on me (also 32 now). I love her to death and I've wanted to be with her since we were 11. We got together about 12 years ago and have had 2 children and live together. When i found out I was crushed. Absolutely crushed.

 

I kicked her out but after a teary phonecall I took her back. Things only went as far as texting (as far as I know) so I saw my relationship as more important.

 

Ive had it in my mind every day since. Every phonecall, every time she goes out, I wonder if anything will happen. For 6 years.

 

We had a massive row about it about 2 months ago. When it happened, she blamed me. We were distant with each other and I was moody. However, as it transpires, SHE was moody because she wasn't happy with where we lived. She was uncomfortable so she became selfish. Didn't do anything around the house, spent her life on her phone, usual rubbish. I became moody about it and didn't deal with it properly. So she cheated. She blamed me, I blamed me. And I had done for 6 years.

 

It only came out in our 2 month ago row that it was the house that got her down and not my mood. So SHE was uncomfortable, but thought it right to cheat but blame me.

 

Thats the first thing. I hope it makes sense.

 

Recently we had our row. I told her I should hate her for doing this to me. I told her I should have kicked her out and have been done with it.

 

The truth is I didn't want to. I love her. But I don't trust her. And I haven't forgiven her.

 

That's part 1.

 

More recently she was in her phone in the car, as I approached to out some stuff in the back, she turned her phone off and threw it under her leg. In the effort to make sure I deal with problems as they arise, I called her on it when we got home. We had another teary conversation where I wanted her to leave and I didn't trust her. Apparently it was a misunderstanding, she was putting it away anyway. I made it clear how I felt though. I won't take that behaviour anymore.

 

That's part 2.

 

Since THAT row, I discovered (by accident, I didn't read what email address was inputted) that she changed her passwords a few days ago. Apparently she was hacked. Even though she's recently already changed her passwords because shed been hacked before apparently.

 

She told me in our last row that she loved me and wanted to be with me and that she'd address her behaviour. But then changed her passwords....

 

I don't know what to believe. If shes genuine then I really do want to carry on. I love her. But I definitely don't trust her.

 

What do I do?

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Is being cheated on OK with you?

 

This is a serious question you need to answer because you have only two options here which are that you either admit that living with cheater isn't working for you and you leave her or you accept who she is and turn a blind eye to her cheating ways.

 

She pulled such classic cheater bs on you, it's almost comical in a sad and twisted sort of way. Oh, she was unhappy with the house, so she went a fck'ed someone else to be happier....and btw, that's your fault for putting her in a house she doesn't like.... Dude you know this is garbage, but more importantly, you need to understand that this is who she is. She is not going to change.

 

You are also absurdly easy to dupe. I mean really.....she was putting the phone away and you just didn't understand what your eyes were seeing? Come on man.

 

You can't trust her because she lies and cheats. Duh. So, is this how you want to spend the rest of your life? Knots in your stomach all the time? This is not what love looks like, so please don't keep telling yourself that you love her. Being afraid of change, of being alone, of having to rebuild a new life is more likely truth, but is this life you are leading good enough for you? Do you really want to spend another 30 years feeling like you do right now every.single.day?

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Sometimes what you want to hear isn't what you want to hear lol.

 

Im definitely not afraid to be alone. I was more than happy to see her go during our last fight. The apology just felt genuine. The wanting to change felt genuine.

 

But you're right. It happened again.

 

How long do I put up with it...

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Sorry to hear this. Is it your house? Aren't there laws in your country about "kicking people out"? You two need an attorney and therapy. Not to stay together but to untangle this mess and spare your kids from all this in/out, on/off volatile chaos and conflict they are unfortunately witnessing.

 

Get an exit agreement and get a court ordered visitation/custody schedule and child support agreement in place. You're both angry and miserable and too wrapped up in that to have any decent life for your kids. Stay apart and do so legally.

We got together about 12 years ago and have had 2 children and live together. When i found out I was crushed. Absolutely crushed.

 

I kicked her out

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Sometimes what you want to hear isn't what you want to hear lol.

 

Im definitely not afraid to be alone. I was more than happy to see her go during our last fight. The apology just felt genuine. The wanting to change felt genuine.

 

But you're right. It happened again.

 

How long do I put up with it...

 

It felt that way because you want to believe, but it's not your reality.

 

How long do you put up with it? Nobody can really tell you that. Only you can decide when enough is enough. You'll stop putting up with it when you stop hoping that she'll be someone she isn't, accept her at face value and decide it isn't good enough for you. The actual time line for that is your own.

 

There is a great blog for people dealing with this chumplady.com also a book called "leave a cheater, gain a life". You might want to check it out because you'll find lots of information and support from people who are in your exact shoes or worse. Highly recommend you perusing that site and spending some time on it. You'll find it quite eye opening.

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She's not happy with you. Whether or not she's cheating is your side of the story. I'd limit your own emotional trauma by using words with her like "I should hate [you] for doing this to me". She's done this to herself, not to you. It's because deep down she's unhappy. For your own mental health, stop playing the victim.

 

It would be emotional cheating if it's via text messages or phone contact. Infidelity or deception is still infidelity and deception. I understand you're hurt and in a lot of turmoil, especially considering you're both parenting two kids.

 

Without trust and mutual respect, a relationship cannot survive or thrive. You're setting yourselves up for failure going forwards without any real attempts to rebuild trust and mutual respect. If you do feel she is not capable of this because of her issues and how unhappy she is overall, start speaking with a lawyer about how best to move forwards with a separation. You'll have to be honest with yourself and strong enough to let go. She will always remain the mother of your children. Stop the hatred between the both of you, end the cheating fingerpointing and stop the accusations and move forwards.

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b) there's more that's happened
What else happened?

 

Think of it this way. You aren't happy. She isn't happy. I know you've been with her forever, but there's nothing here that anyone can say including your girlfriend of 12 years that can make you stop spinning the same broken record over and over again.

 

Stop. You CANNOT KEEP DOING THIS ANYMORE - THis relationship - This treatment - this attitude. Regardless of what she did, it's either you want to be with her or you don't. And for you to keep bringing it up over and over again, you don't. I know it's scary to imagine a life without her, the mother of your kids, your childhood sweetheart, but the way you treat her isn't love. Forgiveness is true love.

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I know it's scary to imagine a life without her, the mother of your kids, your childhood sweetheart, but the way you treat her isn't love. Forgiveness is true love.

 

That's what a lot of the literature and articles I've read have said.

 

Forgiveness comes with compromise though. Its perhaps a conversation we need to have.

 

I know it looks like I'm dwelling on something stupid from 6 years ago, but it's a revelation that changed recently. And I dwelled on it because I didn't know what I'd done. It turned out, nothing. But that was only revealed 2 months ago.

 

Also other stuff I've mentioned earlier in the article. Stuff that's happened lately.

 

I want to feel like I'm being daft.

 

And moreso I want to believe it can be worked on. But when you're writing a 3 stage article about it then maybe thats your answer.

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The popular myth about cheaters is that they are poor creatures who are just sooo miserable with their partner and they just wanted a bit of happiness in their life....BS BS BS

 

Cheaters cheat due to a fundamental lack of character and quite frankly because they enjoy the thrill of lying. No, they don't think there will be consequences, they don't think they'll get caught, even when caught, they'll keep lying to avoid or minimize consequences. Bonus if they can dupe you completely into thinking you are crazy and they are just loyal and misunderstood.

 

After cheating and breaking trust, it's on the cheater to rebuild the trust and the bonds, NEVER on the victim of their cheating and lies. Unfortunately, it's invariably the person they cheated on who trips over themselves to try to make things work, to forgive, etc. To rebuild the bonds means 100% transparency at all times with her volunteering it rather than you policing. Instead she changes her passwords.....

 

The thing about forgiveness....you aren't her priest. You need to forgive yourself at some point for choosing a partner poorly, but not your job to forgive them for being a low life.

 

I know you want to be told that you should stick with her, but I have a conscience and it won't allow me to tell you what you want to hear. Sorry.

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Forgiveness is forgiveness. There's nothing to compromise or have it with strings attached. Forgiveness is forgiveness. And forgiveness is also for you.

 

But just because you've been with her for 12 years with two kids, it doesn't mean you have to stay. Even if you had a revelation 2 months ago, it's still over something 6 years ago. I should also preface that I'm two years on the other side of the same situation. So really even if they did it for attention or revenge or selfishness. It's either you want to just move forward or part. After all this time, you cannot keep one foot in both.

 

Now if this happened two months ago, I'd be telling you to take it one day at time. But after 6 years, it's all about your bruised ego, and has NOTHING to do with the betterment of your family and your relationship. So what if she changed her passwords? Just ask for the new ones.

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Fair point lots of people make.

 

Part of this is DEFINITELY bruised ego. That my cross to bear. I'm taking counselling and working on self improvement. That's what I'm happy to do though. I actually believe you should try to improve yourself all the time.

 

The thing is I don't WANT her passwords. I don't WANT to read messages. She entitled to her privacy. Its just another dodgy thing I happened to find out.

 

I'd love to think forgiveness is as black and white as that. There are some lovely forgiveness/cheater videos on YouTube that break it down. You can forgive the act. But you can't just pretend that other behaviour can go unchecked.

 

My plan is to have a conversation about this with her. We lay our cards down and see what we both want.

 

This will most definitely come with attitude changes and behaviour changes. It HAS to. How can it not? If it were me that cheated and I kept doing all the same stuff then how is that improvement?

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My plan is to have a conversation about this with her. We lay our cards down and see what we both want.

 

This will most definitely come with attitude changes and behaviour changes. It HAS to. How can it not? If it were me that cheated and I kept doing all the same stuff then how is that improvement?

 

You're expecting her to change the symptoms but the underlying causes are great unhappiness and possibly, some other unearthed severe issues and misunderstandings between the both of you. I see infidelity as a symptom of that increasing rift or distance between the both of you.

 

If you are sincerely open to having a conversation with her I'd put down the idea of cheating as a problem. It's a symptom, not the main problem between the both of you. It's like shaving the leaf/surface area of a weed but the roots go far deeper into the ground and it will just spring up again. You have not removed the roots.

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Sometimes what you want to hear isn't what you want to hear lol.

 

Im definitely not afraid to be alone. I was more than happy to see her go during our last fight. The apology just felt genuine. The wanting to change felt genuine.

 

.

She genuinely apologized? For what exactly because in your story she not once, but twice blamed you for making her cheat.

 

Real change happens after someone has taken full accountability for their mistake.

 

She may have used apologetic words to relieve her own discomfort but it falls short from being genuinely accountable for her actions.

Especially when she goes as far as to blame you for it.

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You're expecting her to change the symptoms but the underlying causes are great unhappiness and possibly, some other unearthed severe issues and misunderstandings between the both of you. I see infidelity as a symptom of that increasing rift or distance between the both of you.

 

If you are sincerely open to having a conversation with her I'd put down the idea of cheating as a problem. It's a symptom, not the main problem between the both of you. It's like shaving the leaf/surface area of a weed but the roots go far deeper into the ground and it will just spring up again. You have not removed the roots.

 

^^ I completely agree. You either trust someone or you don't- it's really that simple. If you are saying " I don't know if I can trust her"- you don't. This is the biggest reason couples split after infidelity- the partner doesn't feel that they can ever trust them again. Unless you are with someone 24/7- you can NEVER be 100% sure that they aren't cheating on you. It all boils down to what you believe and if you trust them.

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They're not married, he simply "threw her out last time" which makes the situation and volatility even worse for their 2 kids. They are not committed to each other and not because of a piece of paper or not, but because of rancor and grudges and betrayals.

I would strongly recommend marriage counselling.
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We lay our cards down and see what we both want.

 

What for? You left some info out, so from your post, it just looks like 2 months ago you had a revelation, and have been taking it out on her for the last two months for something that happened six years ago.

 

To me, based on what you wrote, you are the one that needs to work through your feelings. Either to commit or move on.

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Not quite.

 

That's just how it started. And when you feel responsible for something for so long that actually wasn't you, it changes things.

 

My issue is a)we didn't handle it an b) there's more that's happened. I don't know where to draw the line

You say you had a conversation with her and she's told you that she loves you and wants to be with You. So: Now you two must go to marital counseling so that the two of you can get help in finding trust in one another and to learn communication tools wherein when one is unhappy about something, they talk about it openly instead of cheating.

 

You don't trust her and without trust, your relationship is just going to deteriorate further and further.

 

Will you go to marriage counselling? Will she go? If either of you say no then just see a lawyer and get a legal separation (none of this "kicking out" she is the mother of your children for goodness sakes and has rights and obligation just as you do).

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She was cheating then, she's cheating now, dunno why you would put up with it. Your life is worth more than this right? Her saying she loves you means fck all when she treats you like trash.

 

Having the nerve to blame you for her actions?

You staying is just telling her you are weak and will tolerate being played and walked over.

 

She won't change, this is her character. Time to break up. -_-

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Well I agree you both should sit down and talk about what you want, what you need, how you feel, ask for suggestions, make a compromise, come to some agreement on how and when to communication with each other from here on out. Figuring out expectations is where it begins. You are right no one handled it properly when this all started. It's the lack of honest communication, not coming to terms with what happened or working out a proper resolution. When you corner and accuse you get a brick wall of resistance. This type of thing destroys relationships. Maybe a few sessions of couples counseling with give you some perspective in how you both want to handle this.

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She was cheating then, she's cheating now, dunno why you would put up with it. Your life is worth more than this right? Her saying she loves you means fck all when she treats you like trash.

 

Having the nerve to blame you for her actions?

You staying is just telling her you are weak and will tolerate being played and walked over.

 

She won't change, this is her character. Time to break up. -_-

No disrespect, Honeycomb but this is exactly why marriage counselling is needed. There was a problem in the marriage. Period. She will blame him and he will resent her for what she did. They need to get past that dynamic and that thinking and personal therapy as well as marriage counselling will help them get there or, if there isn't anything left in either of them to work together, then at least they will know that they have done what they could before they sever the relationship.

 

I think if it was as clear to the Op as it is to those that are on the "dump her" bandwagon, then he'd have just done it without the need of the opinions and advice of strangers on the internet.

 

JMNSHO

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