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Thread: Help to work it out with my fluctuating girlfriend

  1. #21
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by chapo62
    Thank you!

    I am fine if she is not into me. In which case, I am ready to emotionally detach myself from this. However, I would like it continue as 'friends with benefits' till it lasts. Basically, get on the same page with her and proceed. Any advice on how I can get there? Is having a frank conversation with her the best way forward?
    You're too serious and verbally inclined. Leave her alone and let her come to you for sex. If she knows your door's open to her for sex only, there should be no problem there. If you're emotionally attached to her it's coming out in your overthinking. Stop all that. Otherwise you're not cut out for sex/friends with benefits. Be honest about that with yourself if it's just not right for you.

  2. #22

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    Originally Posted by Batya33
    Just tell her that you want to have an arrangement where if one of you feels like having sex you'll get in touch and if you both want to have sex you will. I wouldn't use silly euphemisms -it's a sexual arrangement. You can also be friendly to each other of course -you are classmates.
    Thank you!

    Another point I had to mention was: This seems similar to the first serious relationship I had back in undergrad. She too had a few similarities to the current one:

    1. Does not want to tell people about us
    2. Breaks up out of nowhere
    3. Gets close when in need of attention or intimacy

    This behavior went on for a year, and then she was a great partner for the next 2-3 years (until we broke up). So, I wonder if there is merit in persisting this for a while!

  3. #23

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    Originally Posted by Hollyj
    Stop the denial. She does not want to be with you! Never has. I can't believe you went along with being a secret.
    Thank you!

    Another point I had to mention was: This seems similar to the first serious relationship I had back in undergrad. She too had a few similarities to the current one:

    1. Does not want to tell people about us
    2. Breaks up out of nowhere
    3. Gets close when in need of attention or intimacy

    This behavior went on for a year, and then she was a great partner for the next 2-3 years (until we broke up). So, I wonder if there is merit in persisting this for a while!

  4. #24
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    Originally Posted by chapo62
    Thank you!

    Another point I had to mention was: This seems similar to the first serious relationship I had back in undergrad. She too had a few similarities to the current one:

    1. Does not want to tell people about us
    2. Breaks up out of nowhere
    3. Gets close when in need of attention or intimacy

    This behavior went on for a year, and then she was a great partner for the next 2-3 years (until we broke up). So, I wonder if there is merit in persisting this for a while!
    Dude, you are not listening to anything we are saying. I question why you came here.

    Do whatever you wish. I give up.

  5.  

  6. #25

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    Originally Posted by Hollyj
    Dude, you are not listening to anything we are saying. I question why you came here.

    Do whatever you wish. I give up.
    Apologies!

  7. #26

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    Originally Posted by Rose Mosse
    You're too serious and verbally inclined. Leave her alone and let her come to you for sex. If she knows your door's open to her for sex only, there should be no problem there. If you're emotionally attached to her it's coming out in your overthinking. Stop all that. Otherwise you're not cut out for sex/friends with benefits. Be honest about that with yourself if it's just not right for you.
    Thank you!

    In the first couple of months, it was mostly her he would try to meet me (for conversations or for sex). I perhaps misunderstood it as a need for a 'romantic relationship' and took it a bit far. I am willing to step back (if need be) and take this as a physical-only relationship. But perhaps she now thinks that I may not be cut out for 'friends with benefits'. Any advice on how to clear the air? Is a frank conversation the only way?

  8. #27
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    You gave 30 reasons to support why she wouldn't want to be with you, compared to 2 that shows she's somewhat conflicted and likes the sex.
    It's just not enough to work with.
    Sorry.

  9. #28
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Do you think she is giving it this much thought? Make sure you are not heading into a stalking or obsessing mentality. Leave her be. She knows your contact info. If she wants to reconcile she'll contact you.
    Originally Posted by chapo62
    My mind is thinking in the following ways:
    1. Maybe she really is under a lot of stress.
    2. Maybe she is not comfortable with an emotional relationship.
    3. Maybe this was always a fling for her.
    4. Maybe is there someone else she is interested in?
    5. Maybe she is insecure and thinks I can do better than her.
    6. Maybe she really is hurt with my drinking behavior.

  10. #29
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    Originally Posted by reinventmyself
    You gave 30 reasons to support why she wouldn't want to be with you, compared to 2 that shows she's somewhat conflicted and likes the sex.
    It's just not enough to work with.
    Sorry.
    I don't get why anyone would pursue someone who does not want to be with them. Not healthy.

  11. #30
    Silver Member Camber 2019's Avatar
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    No other way to say this chapo... but you really (IMHO) need to grow a set of balls

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