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Thread: Help to work it out with my fluctuating girlfriend

  1. #11

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    Originally Posted by smackie9
    She enjoys the sex and whatnot, but for the long term......mmmmm nah. She's not that into you. She's keeping her options open.
    Reaching out can mean very little, like they are lonely, bored, looking for emotional support.

    I hear you. However, when we spend time together it is hard to ignore the connect we have. It is quite evident that she enjoys spending time with me and so do I. Hence I posted this seeking 'help to work it out with her' one step at a time. Would appreciate any advice in this regard.

  2. #12

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    Originally Posted by MissCanuck
    She's just not that into you, dude. She never has been.

    It's not anywhere near as complicated as you're making it sound. She comes to you when she wants attention or sex, and got carried away with daydreaming about the future, but she doesn't actually see that future with you. She is annoyed by your drunk behaviour, yes, but that isn't the real underlying problem. That would be her lack of genuine desire to be with you.

    Save yourself the mental gymnastics and move on. She isn't going to be The One for you.
    Thank you for the reply!

    1. If she was not into me, then why would she come back herself after breaking up? Why such confusion in her head?
    2. More often than not, she is the one to reach out on message or to spend time at each others place. Shouldn't I read that as a desire to be with me?
    3. Doesn't the point that she is under mental stress due to other sources in life play a role this? Should I not stay clam and hold on till this phase subsides in a few weeks?

  3. #13
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    Get off the crazy train. Find someone who wants and appreciates you!

  4. #14
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    Originally Posted by chapo62
    Thank you for the reply!

    1. If she was not into me, then why would she come back herself after breaking up? Why such confusion in her head?
    2. More often than not, she is the one to reach out on message or to spend time at each others place. Shouldn't I read that as a desire to be with me?
    3. Doesn't the point that she is under mental stress due to other sources in life play a role this? Should I not stay clam and hold on till this phase subsides in a few weeks?
    Stop the denial. She does not want to be with you! Never has. I can't believe you went along with being a secret.

  5.  

  6. #15
    Member simple cure's Avatar
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    By the way, to everyone who has responded to your problem you say, help me to work it out with her. If you are waiting for a magic ritual to make her like you the way you want and need, you are not going to get it - were all saying" this person does not want what you want" the person commenting before me is correct, get off the crazy train.

  7. #16
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    I wanted to add that the phases/stages/ fluctuations are your own creation/in your head. You're analyzing it this way to justify staying because by rationalizing this as some sort of "phase" or "stage" you tell yourself you can strive to get back to a better phase.

    From the beginning she was not that into you and not into you enough for a potentially serious relationship. There were no fluctuations -this was true at the beginning and throughout and now. You can feel very connected to someone and there still isn't interest from the other person in being in a serious romantic relationship. Watch the actions -the feet- not what she says -the lips.
    All of your analysis "but if that was true then why_____" means nothing because the result is always the same. She's not that into being with you -even wants to keep you two a secret (!!).

    If you want to have sex with her when you both feel like having sex then do so. That's not a stage, a phase or a fluctuation -that's just two people having sex cause they feel like it. There is no one step at a time or working "it" out -because there never was an it to work out.

  8. #17

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    Originally Posted by simple cure
    By the way, to everyone who has responded to your problem you say, help me to work it out with her. If you are waiting for a magic ritual to make her like you the way you want and need, you are not going to get it - were all saying" this person does not want what you want" the person commenting before me is correct, get off the crazy train.
    What I meant in seeking help is that: I am fine if she is not into me. In which case, I am ready to emotionally detach myself from this. However, I would like it continue as 'friends with benefits' till it lasts. That course of action is also something I would call as 'working it out'. Basically, get on the same page with her and proceed. Any advice on how I can get there? Is having a frank conversation with her the best way forward?

  9. #18

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    Originally Posted by Batya33
    I wanted to add that the phases/stages/ fluctuations are your own creation/in your head. You're analyzing it this way to justify staying because by rationalizing this as some sort of "phase" or "stage" you tell yourself you can strive to get back to a better phase.

    From the beginning she was not that into you and not into you enough for a potentially serious relationship. There were no fluctuations -this was true at the beginning and throughout and now. You can feel very connected to someone and there still isn't interest from the other person in being in a serious romantic relationship. Watch the actions -the feet- not what she says -the lips.
    All of your analysis "but if that was true then why_____" means nothing because the result is always the same. She's not that into being with you -even wants to keep you two a secret (!!).

    If you want to have sex with her when you both feel like having sex then do so. That's not a stage, a phase or a fluctuation -that's just two people having sex cause they feel like it. There is no one step at a time or working "it" out -because there never was an it to work out.
    Thank you!

    I am fine if she is not into me. In which case, I am ready to emotionally detach myself from this. However, I would like it continue as 'friends with benefits' till it lasts. Basically, get on the same page with her and proceed. Any advice on how I can get there? Is having a frank conversation with her the best way forward?

  10. #19
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    Originally Posted by chapo62
    Thank you!

    I am fine if she is not into me. In which case, I am ready to emotionally detach myself from this. However, I would like it continue as 'friends with benefits' till it lasts. Basically, get on the same page with her and proceed. Any advice on how I can get there? Is having a frank conversation with her the best way forward?
    Just tell her that you want to have an arrangement where if one of you feels like having sex you'll get in touch and if you both want to have sex you will. I wouldn't use silly euphemisms -it's a sexual arrangement. You can also be friendly to each other of course -you are classmates.

  11. #20
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    BTW, she is not your gf.

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