Facebook share
LinkedIn share
Google plus share
Twitter plus share
Give Advice
Ask For Advice
Page 1 of 2 12 LastLast
Results 1 to 10 of 16

Thread: Confront or Not?

  1. #1

    Join Date
    Oct 2019
    Posts
    1

    Confront or Not?

    I need some advice. I have been married for 18 years. About 7 years into our marriage we went through a tough time and my husband began communicating with a woman. He told me and stopped talking to her and we were able to work on our marriage and stay together. We once again are going through lots of changes in our life (health issues, parents passing, etc) and I have noticed my husband being distant. I looked at phone records and noticed he was talking and texting a particular number very often while he was at work. I watched this pattern continue for a few months. I finally had a discussion with him about our relationship, I wasn't happy with how it was and how he had become distant. I asked him if he was having an affair, whether it be sexual or just communicating and he said no. The next day there was 1 text with that person and now over a month later, nothing. I believe he was communicating with this person (whom I know was a woman) and when I asked him the general question, he cut it off with her. Should I confront him and let him know I know he was talking to her or just leave it alone? Not sure what to do and could really use some advice. Thanks!!

  2. #2
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2013
    Location
    Wilds of Texas
    Posts
    10,063
    Gender
    Female
    Well....that ship has already sailed and you already did confront him. He stopped talking to her as a result of that confrontation. So do you need to add more conflict into your marriage when you are already dealing with a lot of life issues? My advice is no.

    Looks like the real question that you should be asking is why he doesn't feel like he can share his feelings/troubles/emotions with you and seeks comfort chatting with others? That's really the heart of the problem and needs addressing. What's causing this dynamic? Could be him, could be you, could be both. Be sure you think on this and also see if you can open up that conversation in a way that he feels safe to actually be completely honest with you and be ready to hear some things you might not like.

    Overall, if you've had some stressful times, it might be a good idea to book a vacation and go away and reconnect rather than fight.

  3. #3
    Bronze Member Skeptic76's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2010
    Location
    California
    Age
    43
    Posts
    291
    Gender
    Male
    I don’t know you, your husband or your history so I’m reluctant to tell you what you should do. But in my own mind I’m pretty sure I would be grateful that my mate cared enough to cut whatever was going on off, first and foremost. I have had good experiences with marriage counseling and I would probably ask my partner to come with me to address the “distant” feelings and grow together...chances are any concerns would come up there in a moderated, productive environment.

    And the vacay idea sounds awesome too 😎

    Good luck!

  4. #4
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2019
    Location
    British Columbia, Canada
    Posts
    2,935
    Gender
    Female
    Do you mind clarifying how you've started talking with this woman? Was she receptive to speaking with you about what's been going on? Are you still on speaking terms with her or still working with her on keeping tabs on him?

  5.  

  6. #5
    Gold Member
    Join Date
    Jan 2008
    Posts
    842
    Originally Posted by Mary2020
    I need some advice. I have been married for 18 years. About 7 years into our marriage we went through a tough time and my husband began communicating with a woman. He told me and stopped talking to her and we were able to work on our marriage and stay together. We once again are going through lots of changes in our life (health issues, parents passing, etc) and I have noticed my husband being distant. I looked at phone records and noticed he was talking and texting a particular number very often while he was at work. I watched this pattern continue for a few months. I finally had a discussion with him about our relationship, I wasn't happy with how it was and how he had become distant. I asked him if he was having an affair, whether it be sexual or just communicating and he said no. The next day there was 1 text with that person and now over a month later, nothing. I believe he was communicating with this person (whom I know was a woman) and when I asked him the general question, he cut it off with her. Should I confront him and let him know I know he was talking to her or just leave it alone? Not sure what to do and could really use some advice. Thanks!!

    So, first question I have for you is- the 7 years into your marriage- what do you mean by "communicating with a woman"- because that can mean a LOT of different things. Was he flirting or was he being sexually suggestive or was it just a conversation with a female friend? We live in an co-ed world- he is going to interact with other women.

    Question two- Why, if he told you the truth last time when asked- and you notice him being distant again- why was your first instinct to spy on him instead of just talking to him? You clearly never gained back full trust in him.

    You are under the assumption that the recipient of these texts was enjoying them- did you ever consider that perhaps SHE didn't want to receive these texts? Men don't often get cues from women expressing their desire to not communicate and women often try too hard to be "polite" instead of just telling the guy off. But in either case- they stopped texting- so isn't that what you wanted?

    What do you hope to accomplish by bringing this up now if they've already cut off contact (no matter the reason)- IMO, I feel like the real reason may be that you just want to get your feelings out and "show him" and you are hurt that he is displaying a repeated behavior. That's all good and well, but it won't help your marriage. Be mad about this one and he'll just say " SEE! I stopped talking to her!" And how can you argue that if he has? You technically already have what you want. Then you wait for the next one to happen and spy and get mad again. The women aren't the issue- your husband is.

    The innate problem is that you can't monitor your husband 24/7- and even if you COULD- do you distrust him that much? And if you DO, then why are you still married to him?

    I'm going to assume (cause I don't know for sure yet- but just for the sake of argument)- that what happened 7 years into your marriage WAS infidelity. If so, you chose to remain in this marriage for a subsequent 11 years. Now he is potentially displaying the same behavior. 18 years is a long time and zebras rarely change their stripes at that point. This particular situation is over and so I see no point in drudging up an argument when they've already cut off contact. But clearly, there are trust issues in your marriage and he seems to have a problem with fidelity over the long term. At this point, you are either okay with it or you aren't. You either accept that this is who he is and he will likely just keep finding other women to talk to when he is feeling antsy OR you aren't okay with it because you don't want to always be suspicious, you simply don't trust him and you get a divorce. I'd suggest counseling, but I honestly don't see him changing. It's a behavior- he does it until he gets caught. Lather. Rinse. Repeat.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2016
    Location
    Cloud Nine
    Posts
    35,892
    Gender
    Male
    Sorry to hear this. At some level you know he's having affairs. He will deny it of course. Go to a therapist privately and confidentially and do not discuss that with him. Open up to this professional about your fears.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2013
    Location
    Central Canada
    Posts
    14,002
    Gender
    Female
    May I ask why you didn't just bring all the texts and phone calls to his attention instead of asking him if he was having an affair?
    If you did bring the unusual contact to his attention, what did he say they were and whose number was it?
    Why not just get right to the chase and tell him what you discovered?

    Did you two get marriage counselling back when your relationship was in trouble?

  9. #8
    Super Moderator HeartGoesOn's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2007
    Location
    Massachusetts
    Posts
    16,830
    Gender
    Female
    I think he found a better way to cover his tracks...

  10. #9
    Platinum Member melancholy123's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2015
    Location
    Ontario Canada
    Posts
    6,031
    Gender
    Female
    I wonder if he's got a second phone he keeps at work or wherever and talks to her that way......

  11. #10
    Bronze Member LootieTootie's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2018
    Location
    California
    Age
    35
    Posts
    268
    Gender
    Female
    I would be more worry that he rather confides in someone other than you.

    Does your marriage lack intimacy?

Page 1 of 2 12 LastLast

Give Advice
Ask For Advice

Tags for this Thread

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •