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Still cant get over my ex girlfriend, why did she do this?


aha45

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Hi those who read this, im in desperate need of help.

 

So approximately 6 years ago i was in a relationship with a girl for a year, at the start it was great, then we kept arguing, and it really got to me so i began to withdraw (not from love) but because at that time i couldnt handle emotions very well (getting better now with therapy). We saw less and less, i rarely treated her if im honest because of this. My anxiety issues got the better of me.

 

However it got so bad, that when she was going on a girls holiday and she asked if we would be talking, i replied 'il just talk to you when you get back'.

 

Fast forward the week and she had broken up with me when she got back. I assumed it was because she had cheated. I didnt take it very well it broke me :upset:.The reason for the break up she said is 'we never do anything, were not affectionate enough and we dont have an emotional connection, and i dont feel part of your family'. The main reason being 'i felt like you couldnt care about me'.

 

She told me she didnt want to be with anybody and be alone.

 

Now i find out she had kissed (probally more) a guy on holiday. After breaking up with me she was still willing to meet me whenever i'd ask. However i found out she was meeting up with this guy from another part of the country too and slept with him. All whilst i was trying to get her back she said she wanted to be on her own and wouldnt even kiss me or touch me. That hurt. When she told me she had slept with him she said it was a rebound and their not seeing eachother anymore.

 

I cant seem to get my head around what she said because she met him whilst still with me, is that a rebound?

What do you think she was thinking on holiday tbh, the relationship wasnt going well, how do you think she took me not wanting to talk to her whilst she was away?

 

We no longer talk anymore as we had a really bad fight about it, however theres something that really bugs me. She came round my parents house during this meeting up period post break up (i still lived at home then) with no care in the world. She would never whilst in the relationship just walk in if i invited her over, id have to go to the door, but this time she did. It makes me feel sick she had been having sex with another guy but had no qualms about stepping back into my parents house, even for an hour. Am i right to think this? I dont think id ever go round an ex gfs house if id slept with another woman. Is this because she was over me?

 

So anyway this time she was round, we ended up sleeping together and she started crying. Guilt i suppose?

 

I was trying to get her back in this period, all the more reason why i feel like ugly. I feel at that moment in time she found me ugly and preffered him :upset:.

 

 

So ive now got in my head, the reason she got over me so fast is because this guy literally shagged the feelings out of her. Does that happen to women? is this why she literally come back off holiday a completely different person i didnt recognise her.

 

 

Now i thought i had gotten over this but its all come back haunting me as ive just seen she went travelling, and i feel really jealous. She looks so happy I find her incredibly attractive now, however when i was with her i wasnt too fussed on her looks. shes also had a boob job and it makes me teary eyed because i know she always wanted one, and im jealous she'll get so much more attention from it. Why do you i find her incredible now and not before?

 

So what im really looking for is insight tbh. I know i have waffled on, and theres a lot to take in. Im mainly looking for your take from her point of view as to why she was meeting up with me (without wanting to even touch me), yet saw him for a while. Did she literally take this as if she'd found someone else and i was 'ugly' in her eyes from the moment she slept with him. Even though she said it could have been anyone. I have deep insecurities i know and im working on them with a therapist. Can you have the feelings for someone else 'shagged' out of you?

 

Her instagram is packed full of fun things shes been doing, its like i never matter and because she slept with someone else i was erased. i have tried to have rebound sex, but i struggle to get it up unless i have a connection with someone. So im finding it impossible to move on. Do girls find it easier to take part in rebound sex do you think because of simple mechanics? a girl doesnt have to be erect to have sex even tho it may hurt her.

 

 

Whats an emotional connection also?, :upset:. Sorry its a little all over the place, just looking for your take on things about how jealous i am and what she did.

 

Predominently I'd like a womans perspective to try put themselves in her shoes.

 

Thanks

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As an answer to "What's an emotional connection?"

Have you experienced giving something love? Have you ever felt like you cared about something so much that you could not prevent yourself from receiving updates? This doesn't have to be a person. This could be video games, a movie sequel that's coming out, some hobby you keep up on, just about anything. You're just into it so much that you need to remain connected. If anything new happens you must know. People are like this about their hobbies where some random actor gets picked for their favorite movie and they must know who it is. They're not going to wait until the movie comes out to find out. Grandparents are like this towards their grand kids, they must know every mundane boring activity their grand kids did. Are you like this with anything in your life?

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at the start it was great, then we kept arguing, and it really got to me so i began to withdraw (not from love) but because at that time i couldnt handle emotions very well (getting better now with therapy). We saw less and less, i rarely treated her if im honest because of this. My anxiety issues got the better of me.

 

However it got so bad, that when she was going on a girls holiday and she asked if we would be talking, i replied 'il just talk to you when you get back'.

 

we never do anything, were not affectionate enough and we dont have an emotional connection, and i dont feel part of your family'. The main reason being 'i felt like you couldnt care about me'.

 

What do you think she was thinking on holiday tbh, the relationship wasnt going well, how do you think she took me not wanting to talk to her whilst she was away?

 

 

Your answers are all here in your own accounting. Reread what you wrote because it's all there.

 

One year in and you two were arguing, you let your anxiety and emotional issues get the best of you.

 

Your response to her wanting to communicate while on vacation seems dismissive and passive aggressive.

(in the context of you two arguing and you having said that)

However it got so bad, that when she was going on a girls holiday and she asked if we would be talking, i replied 'il just talk to you when you get back'.

That kind of set to tone for her to reconsider everything while she was away, if she hadn't already come to that conclusion. I know I might feel the same way.

 

She stayed in touch initially and you even slept together. Even when someone decides to end the relationship they still mourn the loss. No doubt there are good qualities about you and she apparently went in just as hopeful as you. Her decision wasn't taken lightly but ultimately she made it.

 

It had nothing to do with you being ugly or someone shagging any feelings out of her

 

If you don't know what an emotional connection is I suggest you google it and learn what that means. Study it because a relationship won't fly straight without it.

 

When someone is hanging on this long I often believe it no longer has anything to do with the person they lost and think they want back. It's usually about some thing else. I can't pretend to know what it is, but it's something you should give some thought to.

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Thank you for your replies. Yeah im in the process of finding a specialist relationship therapist now. Im in the UK and a therapist is really expensive.

With regards to emotional connection, i have countless times researched it but i cannot find a definite answer. Is it affection? Care? was she saying we dont love eachother, im puzzled.

 

Appreciate the help.

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Your response to her wanting to communicate while on vacation seems dismissive and passive aggressive.

(in the context of you two arguing and you having said that)

However it got so bad, that when she was going on a girls holiday and she asked if we would be talking, i replied 'il just talk to you when you get back'.

That kind of set to tone for her to reconsider everything while she was away, if she hadn't already come to that conclusion. I know I might feel the same way.

 

I completely agree, and i admit it was stupid, i couldnt handle myself at the time, which is no excuse. I had beaten myself up about that for years now. I really did love her but i think shes, as she said, thought i didnt care about her, which this quote shows i suppose?. Why would anyone not talk to their partner if their going away :upset:

 

As to regards to this other guy, i have low self esteem anyway, and i just think shes slept with him and lost feelings for me and gained them for him. It is disrespectful your right, i just think this way and wrote it wrong.

 

Emotional connection seems to be care when i google it. being on same team?

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Id also like a view on Rebounds. This may be simple mechanics. I cannot have sex with a girl i dont have a sexual attraction to, as being a guy i would need to be turned on shall we say. However, is it generally 'easier' for girls to have a 'rebound' simply because they can still 'allow' for sex, albeit possibly painful.

 

Its just something else that i think about, like how easy it seemed to of been for her, yet i cannot find sexual attraction in any other girl than her.

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She wasn't rebounding with this guy. She was checked out of your relationship, was attracted to him, and had sex with him. Her feelings for you were already seriously compromised when she met this guy. It sounds to me like she had given up on your relationship, following your resistance to getting any closer to her. That takes its toll, OP.

 

There's a big difference between what happened here and what it generally means to be on the rebound, in the sense that you'e describing it. It is easy to sleep with someone else when you already feel so disconnected from your previous partner. I know you want to believe she still had an emotional connection to you, but it seems to have long faded for her by the time she started hooking up with him.

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Id also like a view on Rebounds. This may be simple mechanics. I cannot have sex with a girl i dont have a sexual attraction to, as being a guy i would need to be turned on shall we say. However, is it generally 'easier' for girls to have a 'rebound' simply because they can still 'allow' for sex, albeit possibly painful.

 

Its just something else that i think about, like how easy it seemed to of been for her, yet i cannot find sexual attraction in any other girl than her.

 

To put it bluntly, she’s probably a bit emotionally healthier than you are.

 

Not meant as an insult, but you’re trying to use your broken thoughts to make sense out of her thoughts.

 

You’re attempting to do the impossible.

 

No it’s not ‘easier’ for women to have rebound sex, as another poster pointed out your kinda pushing it with your language.

 

There are an infinite number of reason why she cheated.

 

No one will ever know definitively but her.

 

The safest bet is the relationship was already on it’s last leg and the lack of communication was the straw that broke the camels back.

 

This was 6 years ago. There’s literally no way to fix things now, it’s long past.

 

First things first, stop stalking her social media.

 

Second, continue with therapy and see a Dr. see if there are any deficits.

 

I’m sorry you’re hurting, your inability to move on is indicative of something much bigger going on, that should be your focus, not the hows or whys going on in her head.

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There's a big difference between what happened here and what it generally means to be on the rebound, in the sense that you'e describing it. It is easy to sleep with someone else when you already feel so disconnected from your previous partner. I know you want to believe she still had an emotional connection to you, but it seems to have long faded for her by the time she started hooking up with him.

 

This makes sense. She had told me it was just a rebound and broke it off so i went with that. I agree it had faded, thats why im so hung up on what an emotional connection precisely is. If she meant caring when she mentioned emotional connection, i can see what she meant. However im unsure whether it means this.

 

Thank you so much for your reply.

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Hi sorry someone just sent me something, it came up a notification but now i cant see it, something about psychologist. I didnt see the username could you post again please

 

Did you check your Private Messages? It sounds like it was a notification for your personal inbox on this site.

 

To clarify, how long has it been since you last saw or spoke to your ex?

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Did you check your Private Messages? It sounds like it was a notification for your personal inbox on this site.

 

To clarify, how long has it been since you last saw or spoke to your ex?

 

Believe it or not, its now been 5/6 years. i repressed my emotions and now theyve all started coming back since accidently stumbled across her on social media. She moved on almost immediately but thats becus as they say, already over when broke up.

 

Could you give me your defintion of emotional connection please?

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Please consider seeing a therapist/psychologist. Over a half a Decade of obsessing indicates this isn't even about her. Stop looking her up and tracking her.

its now been 5/6 years. i repressed my emotions and now theyve all started coming back since accidently stumbled across her on social media.
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Please consider seeing a therapist/psychologist. Over a half a Decade of obsessing indicates this isn't even about her. Stop looking her up and tracking her.

 

This is what im going to do. I wasn't tracking her, i have had her blocked on all social media since the break up. However, a mutual friend liked a number of photos of her where she wasnt tagged

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You keep asking for someone to define "emotional connection". Do you not know what it is to have feelings for another human?

 

Do you love your parents and your siblings? Do you have friends you enjoy being around who you would feel sad if they were out of your life?

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You keep asking for someone to define "emotional connection". Do you not know what it is to have feelings for another human?

 

Do you love your parents and your siblings? Do you have friends you enjoy being around who you would feel sad if they were out of your life?

 

This is what i exactly dont understand. Be googling this, you can build it. From what you said, its 'love', yet according to google, and emotional connection is not love. An emotional connection can be built.

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This is what i exactly dont understand. Be googling this, you can build it. From what you said, its 'love', yet according to google, and emotional connection is not love. An emotional connection can be built.

 

Right you can work towards an emotional connection... typically with time...what does that have to do with your situation?

 

What exactly are you getting at?

 

I feel like you’re attempting to get us to say something by spoon feeding us info but you’re not putting enough on the spoon man...

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Google is not a psychologist. It is playing with your phone and typing stuff in a search box. You need to make an appointment with a therapist/psychologist and at least start somewhere to address this obsessing and desperately googling for whatever nonsense and hair-splitting semantics come up. Try to inform yourself from reliable sources. That is the best way to move forward, address your personal situation and start feeling better.

according to google, and emotional connection is not love.
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Right you can work towards an emotional connection... typically with time...what does that have to do with your situation?

 

What exactly are you getting at?

 

I feel like you’re attempting to get us to say something by spoon feeding us info but you’re not putting enough on the spoon man...

 

Im trying to work out what she meant by ' I dont think we have an emotional connection ' what she said to me. But i honestly dont understand what it means, because i loved her and if she meant it by love or feeling for eachother, i did have both of them for her. So im wracking my head around trying to know because i never asked her when she said that what she meant. If you can work towards and emotional connection and that as others have said it means to have feelings for someone, why is it not instanteous when you first get together? if you have to work towards it, as you and what ive read says, why would you get in a relationship if you dont have feelings for someone?

 

I dont mean to spoon feed if thats how you feel, honestly just trying to get my head around it :upset:

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It means : "I'm not feeling it for you" but in a vague and thus meaningless manner in an attempt to be diplomatic and not hurt your feelings. Stop trying to read into things that aren't there and do not exist. Have you been evaluated by a physician recently? Perhaps that would be a good idea to help you sort through some of this.

 

Here's the thing. People are generally not that good with diplomacy and in many cultures they turn to white lies or meaningless platitudes. No one wants to hurt you, they just want to get the message across that it's over. They hope to do this without being perceived as mean or rude. That is why they come up with platitudes like this or any of the other meaningless lines people use to exit relationships or turn people down.

Im trying to work out what she meant by ' I dont think we have an emotional connection ' what she said to me.
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It means : "I'm not feeling it for you" but in a vague and thus meaningless manner in an attempt to be diplomatic and not hurt your feelings. Stop trying to read into things that aren't there and do not exist. Have you been evaluated by a physician recently? Perhaps that would be a good idea to help you sort through some of this.

 

Here's the thing. People are generally not that good with diplomacy and in many cultures they turn to white lies or meaningless platitudes. No one wants to hurt you, they just want to get the message across that it's over. They hope to do this without being perceived as mean or rude. That is why they come up with platitudes like this or any of the other meaningless lines people use to exit relationships or turn people down.

 

Thank you for your reply Wiseman. I understand. What i think im reading in too is the things that were being spoke about around the time she said this to me. She accused me of lack of affection and care. So when i read up on it and obsess over it by googling it, i get answers about how you can truly love someone but not have an emotional connection, so it puzzles my brain how that can be if it meant the feelings for someone.

 

Thank you for taking the time to answer my post.

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Im trying to work out what she meant by ' I dont think we have an emotional connection ' what she said to me. But i honestly dont understand what it means, because i loved her and if she meant it by love or feeling for eachother, i did have both of them for her. So im wracking my head around trying to know because i never asked her when she said that what she meant. If you can work towards and emotional connection and that as others have said it means to have feelings for someone, why is it not instanteous when you first get together? if you have to work towards it, as you and what ive read says, why would you get in a relationship if you dont have feelings for someone?

 

I dont mean to spoon feed if thats how you feel, honestly just trying to get my head around it :upset:

 

No, I recognize it’s not purposeful.

 

I think you might possibly have something else beyond ADHD going on, which would maybe explain the admitted obsession you seem to have with the sentence she gave you.

 

You aren’t going to find what she meant on google or by asking others, there is a plethora of definitions she could have for that statement and no one but her knows the intention, but in the grade scheme of things the message was clear, she’s choosing to end things.

 

That’s what should be focused on.

 

I’m sorry, I know it hurts, take it one day at a time.

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