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Thread: Communication issues in my very recent marriage

  1. #1

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    Communication issues in my very recent marriage

    Hi everyone, I've never done a forum post before so apologies for the length of it, my husband and I got married in July this year, and every 2/3 weeks we've argued about something it was like this before we got married but more like every few months, we struggle to communicate but he puts it down to me not listening ( I feel like I'm answering him and it's not good enough/he doesn't like the answer).
    Last night we had another argument partner has been vegan for 5 days and will not stop telling me about it and I quote 'I don't understand how someone intelligent like yourself can see this evidence and refute it' I've eaten vegan meals with him on an evening but I do not want to be vegan so I've still eaten the same as usual, he's put my 2lbs weightloss down to this despite me having lost weight before anyway (bare with me) 2 weeks ago the argument that night was i didn't think we spent quality time together and I wanted it to be better and that he should want to do stuff with me (summarising) his response, you should tell me, I'm happy with how we spend our time now so if you want to do something you should organise it,
    Last night in the middle of an argument he said we dont spend quality time together you just sit there and do nothing (exactly what I had said) I didn't tell you because now it feels forced you should just want to spend time with me, and instead of blaming him (like I felt he did with me) I decided to help him cook dinner and watch a film with him, which he then was on his phone throughout

    I just don't know what to do we've only been married 3 months and we're arguing so much i feel like all our problems are made out to be my fault, but he always says I make them out to be his, I know I have my issues but I'm just at a loss to how to make things better

  2. #2
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    Have you tried Marriage Counseling? I think both of your guysís problem is communication. You two donít know how to communicate effectively. It sounds like minor things you bicker about, but there may be deeper rooted issues counseling can help you get to the bottom of.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Is this an arranged marriage? He sounds like a control freak, trendy pompous ass and verbally cruel. Why do you have to eat what he eats? What the...?

    Can you have this annulled? It won't get better. Now it's "you're stupid and fat because you don't understand the virtues of vegan". What about if things progress and you have kids? Get this annulled and move back home to your parents (if that is allowed in your culture).
    Originally Posted by Jess2007
    it was like this before we got married.

    partner has been vegan for 5 days and will not stop telling me about it and I quote 'I don't understand how someone intelligent like yourself can see this evidence and refute it'

    he's put my 2lbs weightloss down to this despite me having lost weight before anyway

    Last night in the middle of an argument he said we dont spend quality time together you just sit there and do nothing

  4. #4
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    Originally Posted by Jess2007
    we struggle to communicate but he puts it down to me not listening ( I feel like I'm answering him and it's not good enough/he doesn't like the answer).

    2 weeks ago the argument that night was i didn't think we spent quality time together and I wanted it to be better and that he should want to do stuff with me (summarising) his response, you should tell me, I'm happy with how we spend our time now so if you want to do something you should organise it,

    Last night in the middle of an argument he said we dont spend quality time together you just sit there and do nothing (exactly what I had said)
    Ok! So neither of you are necessarily at fault here but you are both pointing fingers at each other.

    While you might be technically listening and responding , that does not equate to actually hearing his point of view.
    It sounds like your response is to something he didnít actually say or something you didnít understand?

    Then you said you donít spend quality time together , but instead of organising something , like he suggests , you actually broached the topic in an accusatory manner saying he ďshouldĒ want to do stuff with you.
    Itís not as if he was spending time with others instead of you. He just is not a planner and happy to go along with whatever you want to do.

    Then he says yeah we donít spend quality time together , you are sitting there doing nothing? Thatís fine! Itís most likely true! Is it not?? But donít equate that to what you said to him after the fact?

    If you want to do something suggest something! If you donít suggest something and instead sit at home doing nothing then donít berate him for not suggesting something when he might be perfectly happy being in your company without external stimulation.

    Why did you marry him?
    He sounds content , itís you who is not?

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  6. #5
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    I agree with counseling focused on communication. On the vegan thing - he has no right to criticize you for choosing not to eat what he eats or how he eats, whether it's vegan or otherwise. Yes, if your health was in jeopardy he as your partner likely would be justified in stepping in and asking you to change your eating habits, etc but otherwise you are both adults and you both to get to choose what you eat/how much/when. Exception would be if somehow you agreed to go vegan and that was a condition of continuing the relationship or getting married - I know of families who for religious reasons don't eat certain foods and the whole family has to go along with it.

    In my first year of marriage my husband was putting on weight. He'd stopped his power walking/exercise routine (we were new parents, too). I asked him if he'd consider resuming that for his health and he said I sounded like his mother, to please not say things like that. I never did again. About 6 years later he told me he'd decided to start a regular exercise routine again and he started asking me for input since I exercised regularly. There is a very fine line between encouraging someone to do something about their health that you do and nagging/being controlling. I chose to take a hands off approach and respond only when he asked for my input and limited it to what he asked, resisting the temptation to do more. But, I will tell him he needs to drink more water because he's bad at that, and he gets dehydrated/ill which hurts our family. It's about pick your battles. We didn't do counseling but if we did that is the sort of thing I'd want to work on - knowing how/when/in what environment to raise issues.

    Good luck!

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    Platinum Member melancholy123's Avatar
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    I see two options - marriage counseling that starts now or break up and get a divorce.

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    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
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    Communication books like Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus are great. Get one of them and take turns during a few weeks reading a chapter aloud at a time, and then discuss what you both understand from the advice. If that doesn't work, then of course try counseling, because you're building bitterness right now instead of a beautiful foundation.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    The problem with marriage is that whatever issues you had before marriage are going to get magnified by a 1000 times after you get married and you are experiencing exactly that.

    What's particularly concerning in your case isn't so much the arguments as the fundamental disdain and disrespect toward you as a person. Attacking you, your intelligence, personal choices, education, looks, weight, while projecting himself as superior to you - that's the beginnings of emotional abuse or perhaps something that has been an ongoing issue for quite some time already but has now become more magnified, now that you are married and, in his mind, locked down without an easy escape.

    My point is that this shows signs of deeper issues in your relationship than just communication. That said, yes either marriage counseling now or contact an attorney and see if you can get an annulment or a divorce. Whatever you do, do not get pregnant and bring a child into this mess.

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    Get counseling. He is very disrespectful to you.

  11. #10
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    Originally Posted by Jess2007

    I just don't know what to do we've only been married 3 months and we're arguing so much i feel like all our problems are made out to be my fault, but he always says I make them out to be his, I know I have my issues but I'm just at a loss to how to make things better
    The first question is- If you knew you had these core fundamental differences about communication styles, expectations, and love languages- why did you get married? Especially since you said it was already like this before you got married? Did you think marriage would " fix it"? (As someone else already said marriage only AMPLIFIES existing problems)

    Sometimes people regret getting married and unknowingly push their partner away emotionally in response. Now, I'm not certain that's what going on here, but the alternative explanation is that you are being emotionally abused. The fact that in ONE conversation about veganism he is expressing superiority to you, questioning your intelligence, and lumping that with commenting on your weight, and a fundamental need for you to 100% agree with him or put you down if you don't. I hope you can recognize how VERY unhealthy ALL of that is.

    One of the key issues here that I see is that you both think you are compromising- when really, neither one of you is. Sure, you suggested something to do together but you are clearly resentful about his efforts since they didn't match your expectations. And he is saying for you to give suggestions and then half heartedly going thru the motions when you do. You are just blaming each other instead of actually trying to figure out a compromise.

    Here's the thing- IMVHO, Your problems are BOTH of your faults. BUT- the thing is that you CAN'T make a partnership better solely by yourself. You cannot change someone else's behavior- you can only change yours. However, you must also understand that you cannot "force him" to change his behavior. He has to want to, and even the greatest effort on your part won't be worth a THING unless he is also willing to try. (Trust me on this, that was my 1st marriage in a nutshell)


    You really have two choices- 1. Admit you made a mistake and get an annulment. (I'm not sure how much counseling with help if something as fundamental as how you two communicate is so wildly different)

    2. Or go to counseling and try to fix things TOGETHER without judgment and with open hearts. In order for this to have any shot at working- he is going to have to admit his own shortcomings and WANT to change. You cannot make someone change who doesn't want to. He said he's happy with the way things are. Part of the problem is that he is holding most of the power in this relationship.

    NO MATTER WHAT- Don't let things stay as they are. Trust me as a person who is on their 2nd marriage- Problems at the beginning only become MORE pronounced as time goes on. Nothing ever gets better just by wishing it to be so. No matter how much you may want it- you can't change someone who has no interest in changing. And you cannot make someone want a relationship that they don't want. (not just being together, but wanting the same TYPE of relationship)

    You can LIKE someone, You can LOVE someone, but that STILL doesn't mean you'll be compatible as long -term life partners. So, you may love each other but you don't sound very compatible as spouses at all. You need to be with someone who thrives on the same thing. In terms of love languages- You have to be willing to speak each other's. It's harder when they are different, but not impossible. But here's the thing- You can THINK you are loving someone with ALL your heart- but if you aren't speaking that love in THEIR language- they won't hear the message.

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