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Thread: Communication issues in my very recent marriage

  1. #11
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Jess2007
    Hi everyone, I've never done a forum post before so apologies for the length of it, my husband and I got married in July this year, and every 2/3 weeks we've argued about something it was like this before we got married but more like every few months, we struggle to communicate but he puts it down to me not listening ( I feel like I'm answering him and it's not good enough/he doesn't like the answer).
    Last night we had another argument partner has been vegan for 5 days and will not stop telling me about it and I quote 'I don't understand how someone intelligent like yourself can see this evidence and refute it' I've eaten vegan meals with him on an evening but I do not want to be vegan so I've still eaten the same as usual, he's put my 2lbs weightloss down to this despite me having lost weight before anyway (bare with me) 2 weeks ago the argument that night was i didn't think we spent quality time together and I wanted it to be better and that he should want to do stuff with me (summarising) his response, you should tell me, I'm happy with how we spend our time now so if you want to do something you should organise it,
    Last night in the middle of an argument he said we dont spend quality time together you just sit there and do nothing (exactly what I had said) I didn't tell you because now it feels forced you should just want to spend time with me, and instead of blaming him (like I felt he did with me) I decided to help him cook dinner and watch a film with him, which he then was on his phone throughout

    I just don't know what to do we've only been married 3 months and we're arguing so much i feel like all our problems are made out to be my fault, but he always says I make them out to be his, I know I have my issues but I'm just at a loss to how to make things better
    The relaying of this information seems very broken and inconsistent. Give yourself time to cool down (a day or so) and clarify what the issues are in your mind. I agree some of it has to do with communication. The other has to do with missing one another but instead of expressing this or lending some patience, you're picking each other apart. Practice some patience and tolerance. Weight issues seem to play a role in there too. Are either of you overweight? Struggling with body image issues or health issues puts a more difficult spin on perspective and understanding. Mental health is tied to physical health and vice versa. Try not to compete with each other about losing weight. I think his comment about losing the 2lbs comes from a bitter and resentful place. He's insecure about himself and offering some one-sided commentary to you. It's up to you to think on it and accept or discard. I don't recommend discarding it verbally. Be tactful.

    If he finds veganism works for him, leave him be. If he's intelligent enough to know it works for him, he'll be intelligent enough also to know to leave you alone in time. Don't attempt to move anyone who's bitter and resentful about his/herself. It's not the right time.

    If you miss each other, practice on missing each other in a more loving way. Put down the accusations and any unrealistic expectations. He's using his phone to either annoy you or get away from you. The message should be clear to you. Leave him alone. He doesn't strike me as a secure person. Whatever he needs support him and give him space to practice his own individuality.

    A lot of the time working as a couple does not mean actually working as a couple joined at the hip. It means working as a couple independently and growing strong in your individual tastes.

  2. #12
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    Have an in depth, serious conversation about treating each other with mutual respect always. Tell him it's ok to have his opinion regarding his personal food preferences as long as it stays there and he doesn't end up criticizing your food choices and weight.

    Remind him of "The Golden Rule" which means "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you." Tell him that all this arguing is not worth causing stress in your marriage because really, it's so unnecessary.

    Reach a compromise. He has every right to eat whatever his heart desires as long as it doesn't infringe upon your right to do the same. Cook separate meals if you have to. Yes, it's inconvenient, however, do whatever it takes to keep the peace and make everyone happy. Cook vegan and for your portion of the meal, add the meat of your choice. Don't stress.

    As for quality time together, tell him this requires mutual effort. Why should you always organize it? Tell him he needs to be fair minded. Tell him he's on his phone instead of watching a movie together. Keep in mind, movie watching is not always spending quality time together because both of you are distracted watching a screen.

    Do fun activities together such as a picnic somewhere, take leisurely walks together, enjoy hobbies, excursions, outings, intellectual pursuits and a social life with friends or couples.

    If you're arguing at only 3 months into your marriage, as others have suggested, I too suggest professional marriage counseling. He needs a lesson in the empathy department.

    Your marriage has red flags already. He has a character defect and you will find out whether or not his flaws are correctable or not. At that point, you decide if this marriage will endure at this rate.

  3. #13
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Unless you want to be manipulated and endure gaslighting so he gets and keeps you under his thumb, go to your parents and have the marriage annulled.
    Originally Posted by Jess2007
    Last night in the middle of an argument he said we dont spend quality time together you just sit there and do nothing (exactly what I had said) I didn't tell you because now it feels forced you should just want to spend time with me, and instead of blaming him (like I felt he did with me) I decided to help him cook dinner and watch a film with him, which he then was on his phone throughout

    I just don't know what to do we've only been married 3 months and we're arguing so much i feel like all our problems are made out to be my fault, but he always says I make them out to be his

  4. #14
    Bronze Member LootieTootie's Avatar
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    The OP post is like a long winded incoherent text message.

    Your husband sounds disrespectful and you both fight way too much for a newlywed couple. Have you thought about counseling or maybe divorce?

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  6. #15
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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    Unless you want to be manipulated and endure gaslighting so he gets and keeps you under his thumb, go to your parents and have the marriage annulled.
    What??? She is underage??? I missed this??
    But if she is underage then surely her parents arranged it and therefore canít go to them???

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