Cheating and Third Chances

My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 4 years. We started dating in high school and have been together ever since. From my perspective, our relationship has always been so great. We never really fight, we have so much love and happiness together, his family feels like my family and we have always been each others best friend since we started dating.

About a month ago, my boyfriend confessed to me that he and his female co-worker (who have been really close friends for a while) sexted the night before. I felt shocked, betrayed and really really sad. However, I decided to give it a second chance because we have had such a good 4 years and I've always believed that people deserve a second chance. We decided this with the idea that he would cut her out of his life and have a co-worker only relationship with her. A few days later he told me that this was too hard for him and he was really conflicted about what to do. He ensured me that after seeing how hurt I was about him cheating the first time that it would stop him from doing it again. So I agreed to let him hangout in his group of work friends that included her.

They became super close again and were texting constantly when he and I were together. I tried to express to him that I thought it was a really bad idea and that it may lead to him cheating again. He was confident that this wouldn't happen.

Well, a few days ago it happened again.

When I found out, my gut instinct was to break up with him on the spot. But I did not do that. I took the entire day to think and then at night when we met up to talk he told me that he was completely ready to 100% cut her out from his life and focus on working on us. I agreed again because I still don't feel ready to give up 4 years of my life, especially when it's been so good up until now.

My boyfriend has been exhibiting depressive symptoms for the past few years and by cutting out his female co-worker he had to ultimately cut out his group of co-workers that he always hangs out with and this has had a really negative impact on him. All he wants to do is lie in bed and do nothing. He has absolutely no motivation and going into work every day and seeing her makes things so much worse. I really want to help and be supportive. but how can I be supportive when all of this is happening because of his own actions that hurt me so much? I can't tell him its not his fault, because it is. I can't tell him to be friends with her because that would ruin us. I don't know what to do. I don't know if we should even be together and I don't know if a third chance was a good idea.

For me after first chance that person would be out the door. With grave disrespect and disloyalty once is enough.

So being unable to cheat is making him sad?

No second chances for a cheater, let alone a third. Don't even need to read your post. It is that simple.

Develop your self-esteem and understand why you would even entertain the idea to be treated so badly.

Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice...A third time...

There's this saying... fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me...

If someone cheats on you and then they do it again, take it as a clear sign this person does not respect you or value you. You are ALWAYS going to have this gnawing feeling that he is cheating or flirting behind your back.

Also if he doesn't want to get up and do anything due to depression, but he gets up and hangs out with his coworkers and the girl he cheated you with - you need to stop and seriously ask yourself if this is the guy you want to be with?

If you answer yes, then the next question is why the low standards?

One and done, two if you're lucky. I'm in the one and done category. You need to dump him.

It's not a good idea. Distance yourself and be a little more resilient and independent in your thoughts and how you see your future unfolding. None of this bodes well for you and while he may not be able to see the effect it has on him, it's clear he's not happy either. With or without her, this is not a happy relationship and he seems lost. Limit your exposure to confusion and confusing individuals. He needs space and time to grow and understand himself and what he needs. If the companionship of his coworkers (primarily this other female coworker) adds to his identity and happiness, so be it. That is something you need to witness and see for yourself in order to make a decision that's best for you. You do not need to be with him on that journey of discovery. Start behaving a bit more in tune with your own happiness and what you feel is right for you.

When two people agree to be in relationship (any type of relationship), mutual trust and respect are cornerstones. Stick to these and keep things simple. If it does not add up, don't continue. Stay true to yourself and learn to navigate through difficult times. Not all decisions are unanimous. Not all paths can be journeyed together.

He has really taken you for a fool. You have also become a complete doormat. What happened to your self worth?

He does not love or respect you.

I' sorry that you are dealing with this. If you can isolate your emotions from this for a moment, consider the "sunk cost fallacy."

You have invested a lot of time and emotional connection to this relationship and see breaking up as frittering away that investment if you could just fix it better.

But your BF is not a leaky roof, not a broken window. Unfortunately, he wants to try out other women now. But wants to keep you in reserve.

Time to cut your losses and dump him.

BTW, get tested for every STI you can, do not trust that he has not exposed you to diseases, some serious.

Good luck.

He misses her and is having trouble with the idea that he is not invested in you anymore and should have ended the relationship with you. He knows it will hurt you a lot, and his guilt is probably eating at him - but emotionally? He's long gone from your relationship, girl.

He isn't trustworthy, and nowhere near ready to commit to you and only you. He outgrew your relationship and wants to see what else is out there. It's only a matter of time before it happens again; if not with this specific girl, it will be with someone else.

It's time to end it.

My boyfriend has been exhibiting depressive symptoms for the past few years and by cutting out his female co-worker he had to ultimately cut out his group of co-workers that he always hangs out with and this has had a really negative impact on him. All he wants to do is lie in bed and do nothing. He has absolutely no motivation and going into work every day and seeing her makes things so much worse. I really want to help and be supportive.

The perspective you have on this is very skewed. But that’s ok because your emotions are what’s preventing you from seeing what’s actually happening.

His depressive symptoms as you see them are not actually depression but probably more to do with the fact that he stays in a relationship that ultimately is not where he wants to be right now. No offence to you at all.

Now while at home he is acting depressed because you gave him a chance , even a second chance , but I actually think he would prefer if you hadn’t.

He obviously cares for you , but he feels stuck and has no validation for his reasons for wanting to end the relationship, he just simply wants out but doesn’t know how to go about it. I’m guessing his confession had him hoping you would do the dumping.

I have no doubt that when he gets to work , he is not the depressed guy you currently know at home.

Seeing her at work only makes things worse at home , but when at work he is the happy Chappy for sure.

If you stay he will cheat on you physically if he hasn’t already.

Don’t worry about the past 4 years , worry about potentially wasting the next 4.

He has checked out of the relationship already , just not physically removed himself yet.

Sorry. It hurts. I know!! But I would hate you to stay when right now there is no good reason to.

Sorry to hear this. It sounds like he told you this so that you would have the task of breaking up but he has wanted out for a while now. Unfortunately usually things like this are minimized so they've done more than sext.

You need to pull back from this to reflect on what you want. Stop buying into his lies and excuses. "Depressed" people don't need to sext and he can not "cut his coworker out completely". Please stop letting him play you for the fool. Cut him out of your life.

We started dating in high school.

 

my boyfriend confessed to me that he and his female co-worker (who have been really close friends for a while) sexted the night before.

Dating since high school leads me to believe you really don't know what a healthy relationship is like and you probably don't even know who you are since you were dating through your formative years.

Please get away from him, spend some time being single, rebuild old friendships and make new ones. You need to be your own person BEFORE you can share yourself with someone else.

I know it may be a scary thought to end this forever because this is all you have known but trust me and all of us when we tell you your life will be so much better with him out of it.

Lost

When someone shows you who they are the first time...believe them. It's time to stop participating in his nonsense and start showing some self-respect.

The answers are directly in front of you, yet you refuse to see them.

As much as it will hurt for a while, I think you should break up with him and let him have a suspect chica that would help him cheat knowing he is in a relationship. She'll be doing it with some other guy once he gets with her and that will be his Karma.

Honey: You deserve better than him and if you don't think so then stop feeling sorry for him while he withdraws from his emotional affair partner. He should be looking for a new job and getting himself away from her if he wants to be with you.

Once a cheater, always a cheater.

His love is not unconditional and it should be.

You are young and have your whole life ahead of you to find someone that loves you unconditionally.

You don't deserve this drama.

Good thing you are not married to him.

Actually romantic love IS conditional.