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Boyfriend and cocaine


Moon13

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I've been with him for 6 years, and we've lived together for 3. We are both in the entertainment industry. This year he's been doing cocaine, mdma, g, and speed, because he has been working insane hours, but it's because he's making the choice to take on extra work on top of his job. He got a high paying gig at an after hours club doing tech work, and his actual job is weekends mostly in the summer with all the festivals. So basically he doesn't come home for 2-3 days without sleeping. This summer has been so rough for me because of this, as I can't stand seeing him so messed up and tired, and I felt lonely myself. I kept telling myself it will be over once busy season is done. Well busy season is done, and now I'm afraid he has become addicted to cocaine. It started with him just not coming home until 11am not because he is working, but because he's with the friends he made who got him into cocaine. I felt like he was choosing drugs over me. Anyways we fought and talked about it a lot, and ever since these two girls in his drug group of friends told him he should go home to me, now he is coming home. It took someone else to tell him he's in the wrong. But now he's coming home high, and now he's getting high on weekdays. I told him I really appreciate him coming home, but he's taking cocaine to the next level and I can't deal with that. I've noticed he is starting to have angry mood swings, and he says hurtful things he doesn't mean when he's on it. The only time he makes an effort to have sex with me is when he's high. The other night I had a full blown anxiety attack, which never happens to me, because he was yelling at me after I asked if he was high. And he yelled at me while I was having the attack because he was upset that the attack was due to him being high and angry. I'm hoping that night opened his eyes.. because we had another talk and he said he's going to stop completely, and he's sorry he makes me feel the way he does. I want to believe him, but I don't anymore. I'm scared because my cousin died from cocaine this past February. I need to know, at what point do you start to see the signs when cocaine has taken over? Would you say it already has? What things do I need to look out for? He started lying about things to cover his cocaine use up. What sort of things should I look out for to know if he's lying besides dilated pupils? I feel like there is still hope right now and I want try to encourage him to stop before it gets harder to stop. I feel like I don't completely trust that he will stop, because I know he has it in his head that he's in control and says things like I'll do it once a month. I never ever thought I'd be in this situation...

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because he has been working insane hours

First of all working insane hours is not an explanation for drug use. Most people who work insane hours try to cut back, or they drink a lot of coffee, or they neglect their SO by only sleeping when they are home. I suspect some of the hours you thought he was working he actually was not- he was just out seeking drugs, etc.

 

I do think you need to put yourself first and foremost. Remove any access he has to your hard earned money or valuables - anything he might sell for drugs. And i would at least temporarily go to a friend or family member's place to stay to get away to safety at least for awhile. He is treating you terribly

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Wow... forgot I even wrote that. Some of the advice was mostly about the cat (which I've dealt with after finally getting money from him to pay for it). Some of the advice was telling me to get out, which I cannot do. Some advice is agreeing with me. Some advice told me he won't change, and I'm not ready to give up on him. And some advice told me to get a hobby, and what I do is more than a hobby, I'm a professional circus performer, so I'm busy. What I have implemented in the relationship is distancing myself when he's high which didn't work because he doesn't want to be near me when he's high anyways. So I started voicing even stronger how I feel, and I've had to listen to him say "I'm not ready to be the man you want me to be" b***sh** I think now he gets it so now he comes home to sleep beside me rather than being up all night. And I think it's been a step. However he hasn't stopped yet. I'm still working on that. Because he has it in his head that he's in control and told me he will stop, but do it for fun once a month. We all know once a month brings back the habit.

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Wow. He comes home and sleeps with you. Your expectations are really low. This is sad.

 

You do not work on anything. It is HIS addiction. he is the only one who works on it, and he has no intention of doing so.

 

I suggest you look into Al Anon and CODA. CODA will help with your codependency.

 

What would you do if he dumped you or was put in jail? You would have to find a place. Expect more for yourself, than this drug addict loser.

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Are you here asking how you can suss out if he's high after he's told you he's going to stop? I will assume that's all you want to know since that was the question and you've already told the board about his use.

 

I think you'll be able to tell if he's high again when he stays out until the next day or when he can't sleep because he's all coked/speeded up or when he doesn't look at you but triggers yet another anxiety attack in you when he berrates you for dare to question his sobriety.

 

Google for symptoms of someone high on (insert drug here) and see if that clues you in better. In the meantime, I know you don't want to leave him because you've been with him for six years but if he gets high again after apologising to you and telling you he's going to quit everything, then you will be a fool not to leave him because to stay is enabling him to continue on and just argue with you about it.

 

Be strong and get out if he uses again. Frankly, I would have left until he was securely in a 12 step programme or with a personal therapist to help him get through any withdrawls and cravings. It sounds like he's addicted and will likely have a hard time getting over the cravings.

 

he's in control and told me he will stop, but do it for fun once a month.
You know, I hope that you realize that that is what mostly all people who are addicted to something say when they are put to the test of an unhappy spouse who is at his/her end.

 

He's scamming you. Tell him either he quits or he gets out or you get out. Don't be his enabler as he makes a fool out of you. You don't even know when he's high (per your question) so how are you going to monitor him... you're trying to control and you're going to fail at it.

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See this is where I get annoyed. I have taken plenty of action. I can't just move out... people can't afford to live by themselves these days. Easier said than done. I've been with him for 6 ing years, and people don't think I'm not emotionally invested? He's my best friend! I'm stuck in a ty situation that I'm trying to handle, not walk away from. I'm so saddened that my best friend has become addicted to cocaine and I'm not ready to just leave him, whether it hurts me or not. I can't believe how insensible some people can be. I'm looking for support not someone to ridicule me for "not taking action".

 

My last post I was explaining that his cat is sick and needs to be taken to a vet, and half the people blamed me for not taking the cat to the vet! I was not in a situation where I could have done so, otherwise I would have loved to take the poor cat to the vet, but nope I'm a monster and it's all my fault, and my situation has nothing to do with the health of the cat apparently.

 

Can I please just get some sensible answers to my questions? How do I handle a situation like this? And what are the signs that he is too far gone? (So then I can start thinking about leaving in case I have to).

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I've had to listen to him say "I'm not ready to be the man you want me to be" b***sh**

 

Here's the thing: that is not bs. That is a man being dead honest and crystal clear with you in telling you exactly how he sees himself, you, and you two together. You want to write it off as bull, because if it was true? Well, that means pulling off all the bandaids and exposing the wounds to the air. To quote Don Draper: "People tell you who they are, but we ignore it—because we want them to be who we want them to be."

 

So, he is both showing and telling you who he is: a man who does not believe he is what you want and a man who is seriously into drugs. Those are two hard facts right now. You can continue to try to twist them into other stories—that the drugs are just for work, that he is ready to be the man you want him to be, since he's now coming home and sharing a bed while high rather than crashing on a couch somewhere. But at some point you're going to have to really ask yourself what you're getting out of those stories. Is it genuine comfort or is it just more pain?

 

Because there is a very real line when "not giving up" on someone becomes giving up on ourselves. Once we cross that line, it doesn't really matter if the person changes or not, because we've already lost.

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I can't believe how insensible some people are on here. I'm just so annoyed and angry right now.. You just labeled me as codependent, and told me that my expectations are low. The fact that he comes home to sleep with me IS A STEP that I GOT THROUGH TO HIM. It's a behaviour that he changed for me! I need support... not fingers pointing at me or him. Did you not read what I said? I said he's not that far gone yet. He doesn't do it everyday... but he might if I don't handle this properly.

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I can't believe how insensible some people are on here. I'm just so annoyed and angry right now.. You just labeled me as codependent, and told me that my expectations are low. The fact that he comes home to sleep with me IS A STEP that I GOT THROUGH TO HIM. It's a behaviour that he changed for me! I need support... not fingers pointing at me or him. Did you not read what I said? I said he's not that far gone yet. He doesn't do it everyday... but he might if I don't handle this properly.

 

Why not calm down and listen to the advise you're getting. Your boyfriend is scamming you. He'll "only do it once a month" are the words of a man that cannot quit and is very unlikely going to live up to what really is bull***t.

 

You can't "handle" it anyway but to leave him if he does it even once more, never mind once a month. It's like the alcoholic that says they'll only drink on the weekend after his/her spouse has gotten read the riot act about the drinking. It never lasts and then the poor spouse has failed at yet another attempt to control.

 

You know all this and that is why you are getting so angry because the truth, the attempts to knock you out of your denial is frightening you... sure it is so why not go to an alanon meeting and talk to people who are there because their loved one is addicted. Maybe you'll "get" it better that you can't control anyone but yourself. You can't change anyone but You.

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I can't believe how insensible some people are on here. I'm just so annoyed and angry right now.. You just labeled me as codependent, and told me that my expectations are low. The fact that he comes home to sleep with me IS A STEP that I GOT THROUGH TO HIM. It's a behaviour that he changed for me! I need support... not fingers pointing at me or him. Did you not read what I said? I said he's not that far gone yet. He doesn't do it everyday... but he might if I don't handle this properly.

 

 

You are co dependent. Instead of being angry, address the issue. You are enabling him, this is what co dependents do.

 

I reread your other thread. No one said that you should stay with this addict.

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Sorry if you feel you're not getting the support you seek. Everyone responding, at least to my eyes, is a million percent on your side and offering very wise words. I know how complicated this is—or, truth be told, how simple it is and so very sad for being so simple. My father is a cocaine addict, and I'm not sure if a day passes where I don't thank my mom for leaving him. Not sure a day passes where she doesn't thank herself, and all that was 35 years ago. Just to wear some experience and bias on my sleeve, to take as you see fit.

 

The only way you can "handle" this is to make it clear that you can't, and won't, handle it. It's hard, I know, but it is that simple.

 

Replace "cocaine" with another glaring offense to romantic harmony—like, say, him being violent with you or cheating on you. How would you handle that? Would you reward him by being "a little less" violent, seeing a bruised arm as a positive step from a black eye? Would you see him not cheating "quite as often" or "with as many people as before" as a sign that things are improving?

 

I suspect that's not fun to read, but I encourage you to take ten very deep breaths before responding. Because this is much, much closer to that than someone who has stopped cleaning up in the kitchen or listening to you when you talk about your day. This is drug addiction. There aren't gradients in this, and if you try to handle it along those lines you end up enabling the very thing you're trying to disable—and, in the process, you lose yourself. Think of that panic attack as a preview into what it feels like to lose yourself alongside another.

 

What I would do, right now, in your shoes? I'd look up an AlAnon meeting, and go. I'd go onto Craigslist, and look at the various rooms available to rent, realizing that there are plenty of options in your budget—not an ideal scenario, I know, but a very real one that will give you some personal power by killing this idea that you can't live, in the roof-over-head sense, without him. Shore that stuff up, for your own spirit and stability, so that when you tell him that this has to stop—and now, or else—you can mean it.

 

He needs help. He is the only one who can seek it. He is programmed right now to seek anything that allows him to avoid help. So if you handle this by rewarding his drug use in any way you are improving the chances that he will resist help rather than seek it.

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Sorry if you feel you're not getting the support you seek. Everyone responding, at least to my eyes, is a million percent on your side and offering very wise words. I know how complicated this is—or, truth be told, how simple it is and so very sad for being so simple. My father is a cocaine addict, and I'm not sure if a day passes where I don't thank my mom for leaving him. Not sure a day passes where she doesn't thank herself, and all that was 35 years ago. Just to wear some experience and bias on my sleeve, to take as you see fit.

 

The only way you can "handle" this is to make it clear that you can't, and won't, handle it. It's hard, I know, but it is that simple.

 

Replace "cocaine" with another glaring offense to romantic harmony—like, say, him being violent with you or cheating on you. How would you handle that? Would you reward him by being "a little less" violent, seeing a bruised arm as a positive step from a black eye? Would you see him not cheating "quite as often" or "with as many people as before" as a sign that things are improving?

 

I suspect that's not fun to read, but I encourage you to take ten very deep breaths before responding. Because this is much, much closer to that than someone who has stopped cleaning up in the kitchen or listening to you when you talk about your day. This is drug addiction. There aren't gradients in this, and if you try to handle it along those lines you end up enabling the very thing you're trying to disable—and, in the process, you lose yourself. Think of that panic attack as a preview into what it feels like to lose yourself alongside another.

 

What I would do, right now, in your shoes? I'd look up an AlAnon meeting, and go. I'd go onto Craigslist, and look at the various rooms available to rent, realizing that there are plenty of options in your budget—not an ideal scenario, I know, but a very real one that will give you some personal power by killing this idea that you can't live, in the roof-over-head sense, without him. Shore that stuff up, for your own spirit and stability, so that when you tell him that this has to stop—and now, or else—you can mean it.

 

He needs help. He is the only one who can seek it. He is programmed right now to seek anything that allows him to avoid help. So if you handle this by rewarding his drug use in any way you are improving the chances that he will resist help rather than seek it.

 

Does your dad still do cocaine? Is there a relationship?

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Does your dad still do cocaine? Is there a relationship?

 

My dad quit cocaine, cold turkey, the moment my mom left him. Also, my dad quit by "just" drinking. That he's always admitted is his real vice, something he will readily admit, with an earnest grin, while picking up some booze.

 

So, no relationship with my mom, or me, but he's always been good at finding people who will shelter him. An earnest grin goes very far with the "right" people. I think of him as a very good guy with a very bad problem who, in never treating it, became a not very good guy. Is what it is. I've got no real ill-will toward him, but that's because I don't expect him to be anything aside from who he is.

 

Not sure if that helps you, Moon13. I have a very lax view of drugs and alcohol, even with that backstory, but I take real problems really seriously. What you're describing is a real problem, and the very hard part is that it's not yours, but his.

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My dad quit cocaine, cold turkey, the moment my mom left him. Also, my dad quit by "just" drinking. That he's always admitted is his real vice, something he will readily admit, with an earnest grin, while picking up some booze.

 

So, no relationship with my mom, or me, but he's always been good at finding people who will shelter him. An earnest grin goes very far with the "right" people. I think of him as a very good guy with a very bad problem who, in never treating it, became a not very good guy. Is what it is. I've got no real ill-will toward him, but that's because I don't expect him to be anything aside from who he is.

 

Not sure if that helps you, Moon13. I have a very lax view of drugs and alcohol, even with that backstory, but I take real problems really seriously. What you're describing is a real problem, and the very hard part is that it's not yours, but his.

 

I am very sorry that you both had to deal with this. I think that your approach is realistic and healthy, for you.

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You need to start making a plan to move out, OP.

 

No, it won't be easy. Yes, it will hurt and take a while. But you can't stay in this situation. You so edgy that you're snapping at strangers on an anonymous internet forum - there's a lot of anger at him in your angry words to posters. They are shinning a light on the difficult and dysfunctional aspects of your relationship. That hurts, of course. But your anger is misdirected.

 

He isn't the boyfriend you deserve, and chances are that it's going to get worse. A lot worse. The question here is whether you are going to stick around for the downward spiral.

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