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Thread: Boyfriend and cocaine

  1. #21
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    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    My dad quit cocaine, cold turkey, the moment my mom left him. Also, my dad quit by "just" drinking. That he's always admitted is his real vice, something he will readily admit, with an earnest grin, while picking up some booze.

    So, no relationship with my mom, or me, but he's always been good at finding people who will shelter him. An earnest grin goes very far with the "right" people. I think of him as a very good guy with a very bad problem who, in never treating it, became a not very good guy. Is what it is. I've got no real ill-will toward him, but that's because I don't expect him to be anything aside from who he is.

    Not sure if that helps you, Moon13. I have a very lax view of drugs and alcohol, even with that backstory, but I take real problems really seriously. What you're describing is a real problem, and the very hard part is that it's not yours, but his.
    I am very sorry that you both had to deal with this. I think that your approach is realistic and healthy, for you.

  2. #22
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    I live by myself.

    You have two choices. Accept his drug use and whatever associated behaviors ensue or leave him. No third choice where he magically becomes who you want him to be.

  3. #23
    Bronze Member LootieTootie's Avatar
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    Moon13 have you thought about working 2 jobs in order to move out and live on your own?

  4. #24
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    Why don't you get a roommate?

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  6. #25
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    You need to start making a plan to move out, OP.

    No, it won't be easy. Yes, it will hurt and take a while. But you can't stay in this situation. You so edgy that you're snapping at strangers on an anonymous internet forum - there's a lot of anger at him in your angry words to posters. They are shinning a light on the difficult and dysfunctional aspects of your relationship. That hurts, of course. But your anger is misdirected.

    He isn't the boyfriend you deserve, and chances are that it's going to get worse. A lot worse. The question here is whether you are going to stick around for the downward spiral.

  7. #26
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    My advice remains the same: [Register to see the link]
    Originally Posted by Moon13
    This year he's been doing cocaine, mdma, g, and speed, because...................

  8. #27
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    Moon, if you are still around, here is some constructive what to do:

    1) You have to admit to yourself that this guy is actually an addict

    2) Look up some al anon meetings for families of addicts and go to them and get properly educated what addiction is and isn't and also what you should and shouldn't be doing.

    3) Use above resources and support to start coming to terms that you cannot save someone who is addicted and this is the hardest part for everyone. People will go to great lengths to try and help, save, fix a loved one, but in reality they end up enabling rather than fixing. Fixing means leaving them to face consequences. If he is not that far gone yet, then consequences might just work in turning him around. Unfortunately, he might be further down the rabbit hole than you want to believe and he'll not only never turn around, but sink to the very bottom. What you and others dealing with addicts have to face is that it is completely his choice and something you do not control. No amount of talking, begging, pleading or even forcing them into rehab works unless the addict decides they seriously want out, not just "should because of social pressure" but determined for their own sake. People who actually want to quit, quit but it's never in your control, OP, it's their personal choice.

    4) Yes, leaving and moving out no doubt is hard, but you need to start looking and get serious about that. There are roommates, co-workers, etc. It takes time, so start looking because things are going to get bad and then worse and worse and you do not want to be in a situation where you can't get out.

  9. #28
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Moon13
    He isn't at a point where he's selling my stuff. I think he can still save himself if I know how to handle this properly...
    Naah. You're deluding yourself. The best incentive you can offer him to save himself is to walk away. Attend some AlaNon meetings to learn WHY.

  10. #29
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    Originally Posted by Moon13
    See this is where I get annoyed. I have taken plenty of action. I can't just move out... people can't afford to live by themselves these days. Easier said than done. I've been with him for 6 ing years, and people don't think I'm not emotionally invested? He's my best friend! I'm stuck in a ty situation that I'm trying to handle, not walk away from. I'm so saddened that my best friend has become addicted to cocaine and I'm not ready to just leave him, whether it hurts me or not. I can't believe how insensible some people can be. I'm looking for support not someone to ridicule me for "not taking action".

    My last post I was explaining that his cat is sick and needs to be taken to a vet, and half the people blamed me for not taking the cat to the vet! I was not in a situation where I could have done so, otherwise I would have loved to take the poor cat to the vet, but nope I'm a monster and it's all my fault, and my situation has nothing to do with the health of the cat apparently.

    Can I please just get some sensible answers to my questions? How do I handle a situation like this? And what are the signs that he is too far gone? (So then I can start thinking about leaving in case I have to).
    If you cannot affford to live alone that is fine. At one point in my life i lived with two other young ladies. At another point with extended family. its not A) live with an addict B) live on the streets. My friend is an actress living with 3 other ladies and when someone else from their old college comes to town, they allow them to stay until they find their footing and split the rent accordingly.

    You were not being blamed about not taking care of the cat, but blamed by expecting him to rise to the occasision and naturally do the right thing on his own.

    Of course you are emotionally invested. But there is a point where living with someone is harming you emotionally physically or mentally.

    None of us can say "how far gone he is" but what we can say is that he chooses his addiction and lifestyle over you. You say he doesn't sell your things, but there will be a time that comes where he has no money for his share of the bills, or is MIA when its time to pay them, etc.

    What sensible answer would you like? The signs of addiction are already there in plain view. The only way we can say he is "too far gone" is when he overdoses and dies. In the meantime, when are you going to look out for yourself, not be the victim in this that just has to 'take it"?

  11. #30
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    If nothing changes how long will you stay? Two weeks? 6 months? A year? 10? Are panic attacks, playing the intoxication police and being third fiddle to drugs and work all things you want in a romantic relationship?

    If he doesnít want to change maybe what you learn about this person is that his priorities are different to yours and ultimately not compatible. Like working day and night, Iím in your industry, work life balance is important to me, I donít take on so much work that I lose that balance. Itís important to you, you missed him when he was less available. When you flag his absence and he knows how itís making you feel, and his actions donít change, thatís a strong indicator he doesnít share your priorities.

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