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Thread: Boyfriend and cocaine

  1. #11
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Moon13
    I've had to listen to him say "I'm not ready to be the man you want me to be" b***sh**
    Here's the thing: that is not bs. That is a man being dead honest and crystal clear with you in telling you exactly how he sees himself, you, and you two together. You want to write it off as bull, because if it was true? Well, that means pulling off all the bandaids and exposing the wounds to the air. To quote Don Draper: "People tell you who they are, but we ignore it—because we want them to be who we want them to be."

    So, he is both showing and telling you who he is: a man who does not believe he is what you want and a man who is seriously into drugs. Those are two hard facts right now. You can continue to try to twist them into other stories—that the drugs are just for work, that he is ready to be the man you want him to be, since he's now coming home and sharing a bed while high rather than crashing on a couch somewhere. But at some point you're going to have to really ask yourself what you're getting out of those stories. Is it genuine comfort or is it just more pain?

    Because there is a very real line when "not giving up" on someone becomes giving up on ourselves. Once we cross that line, it doesn't really matter if the person changes or not, because we've already lost.

  2. #12
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    I can't believe how insensible some people are on here. I'm just so annoyed and angry right now.. You just labeled me as codependent, and told me that my expectations are low. The fact that he comes home to sleep with me IS A STEP that I GOT THROUGH TO HIM. It's a behaviour that he changed for me! I need support... not fingers pointing at me or him. Did you not read what I said? I said he's not that far gone yet. He doesn't do it everyday... but he might if I don't handle this properly.

  3. #13
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    Thank-you, this is the only sensible advice so far. This should be his last chance to make things right.

  4. #14
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    Originally Posted by bluecastle

    Because there is a very real line when "not giving up" on someone becomes giving up on ourselves. Once we cross that line, it doesn't really matter if the person changes or not, because we've already lost.
    Real talk.

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  6. #15
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Moon13
    I can't believe how insensible some people are on here. I'm just so annoyed and angry right now.. You just labeled me as codependent, and told me that my expectations are low. The fact that he comes home to sleep with me IS A STEP that I GOT THROUGH TO HIM. It's a behaviour that he changed for me! I need support... not fingers pointing at me or him. Did you not read what I said? I said he's not that far gone yet. He doesn't do it everyday... but he might if I don't handle this properly.
    Why not calm down and listen to the advise you're getting. Your boyfriend is scamming you. He'll "only do it once a month" are the words of a man that cannot quit and is very unlikely going to live up to what really is bull***t.

    You can't "handle" it anyway but to leave him if he does it even once more, never mind once a month. It's like the alcoholic that says they'll only drink on the weekend after his/her spouse has gotten read the riot act about the drinking. It never lasts and then the poor spouse has failed at yet another attempt to control.

    You know all this and that is why you are getting so angry because the truth, the attempts to knock you out of your denial is frightening you... sure it is so why not go to an alanon meeting and talk to people who are there because their loved one is addicted. Maybe you'll "get" it better that you can't control anyone but yourself. You can't change anyone but You.

  7. #16
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    Originally Posted by Moon13
    I can't believe how insensible some people are on here. I'm just so annoyed and angry right now.. You just labeled me as codependent, and told me that my expectations are low. The fact that he comes home to sleep with me IS A STEP that I GOT THROUGH TO HIM. It's a behaviour that he changed for me! I need support... not fingers pointing at me or him. Did you not read what I said? I said he's not that far gone yet. He doesn't do it everyday... but he might if I don't handle this properly.

    You are co dependent. Instead of being angry, address the issue. You are enabling him, this is what co dependents do.

    I reread your other thread. No one said that you should stay with this addict.

  8. #17
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Sorry if you feel you're not getting the support you seek. Everyone responding, at least to my eyes, is a million percent on your side and offering very wise words. I know how complicated this is—or, truth be told, how simple it is and so very sad for being so simple. My father is a cocaine addict, and I'm not sure if a day passes where I don't thank my mom for leaving him. Not sure a day passes where she doesn't thank herself, and all that was 35 years ago. Just to wear some experience and bias on my sleeve, to take as you see fit.

    The only way you can "handle" this is to make it clear that you can't, and won't, handle it. It's hard, I know, but it is that simple.

    Replace "cocaine" with another glaring offense to romantic harmony—like, say, him being violent with you or cheating on you. How would you handle that? Would you reward him by being "a little less" violent, seeing a bruised arm as a positive step from a black eye? Would you see him not cheating "quite as often" or "with as many people as before" as a sign that things are improving?

    I suspect that's not fun to read, but I encourage you to take ten very deep breaths before responding. Because this is much, much closer to that than someone who has stopped cleaning up in the kitchen or listening to you when you talk about your day. This is drug addiction. There aren't gradients in this, and if you try to handle it along those lines you end up enabling the very thing you're trying to disable—and, in the process, you lose yourself. Think of that panic attack as a preview into what it feels like to lose yourself alongside another.

    What I would do, right now, in your shoes? I'd look up an AlAnon meeting, and go. I'd go onto Craigslist, and look at the various rooms available to rent, realizing that there are plenty of options in your budget—not an ideal scenario, I know, but a very real one that will give you some personal power by killing this idea that you can't live, in the roof-over-head sense, without him. Shore that stuff up, for your own spirit and stability, so that when you tell him that this has to stop—and now, or else—you can mean it.

    He needs help. He is the only one who can seek it. He is programmed right now to seek anything that allows him to avoid help. So if you handle this by rewarding his drug use in any way you are improving the chances that he will resist help rather than seek it.

  9. #18
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    You can't afford to stay with him because eventually he'll start stealing stuff to buy drugs or get into criminal trouble of some sort and if you're living with him you could find yourself at least evicted and possibly arrested along with him.

  10. #19
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    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    Sorry if you feel you're not getting the support you seek. Everyone responding, at least to my eyes, is a million percent on your side and offering very wise words. I know how complicated this is—or, truth be told, how simple it is and so very sad for being so simple. My father is a cocaine addict, and I'm not sure if a day passes where I don't thank my mom for leaving him. Not sure a day passes where she doesn't thank herself, and all that was 35 years ago. Just to wear some experience and bias on my sleeve, to take as you see fit.

    The only way you can "handle" this is to make it clear that you can't, and won't, handle it. It's hard, I know, but it is that simple.

    Replace "cocaine" with another glaring offense to romantic harmony—like, say, him being violent with you or cheating on you. How would you handle that? Would you reward him by being "a little less" violent, seeing a bruised arm as a positive step from a black eye? Would you see him not cheating "quite as often" or "with as many people as before" as a sign that things are improving?

    I suspect that's not fun to read, but I encourage you to take ten very deep breaths before responding. Because this is much, much closer to that than someone who has stopped cleaning up in the kitchen or listening to you when you talk about your day. This is drug addiction. There aren't gradients in this, and if you try to handle it along those lines you end up enabling the very thing you're trying to disable—and, in the process, you lose yourself. Think of that panic attack as a preview into what it feels like to lose yourself alongside another.

    What I would do, right now, in your shoes? I'd look up an AlAnon meeting, and go. I'd go onto Craigslist, and look at the various rooms available to rent, realizing that there are plenty of options in your budget—not an ideal scenario, I know, but a very real one that will give you some personal power by killing this idea that you can't live, in the roof-over-head sense, without him. Shore that stuff up, for your own spirit and stability, so that when you tell him that this has to stop—and now, or else—you can mean it.

    He needs help. He is the only one who can seek it. He is programmed right now to seek anything that allows him to avoid help. So if you handle this by rewarding his drug use in any way you are improving the chances that he will resist help rather than seek it.
    Does your dad still do cocaine? Is there a relationship?

  11. #20
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Hollyj
    Does your dad still do cocaine? Is there a relationship?
    My dad quit cocaine, cold turkey, the moment my mom left him. Also, my dad quit by "just" drinking. That he's always admitted is his real vice, something he will readily admit, with an earnest grin, while picking up some booze.

    So, no relationship with my mom, or me, but he's always been good at finding people who will shelter him. An earnest grin goes very far with the "right" people. I think of him as a very good guy with a very bad problem who, in never treating it, became a not very good guy. Is what it is. I've got no real ill-will toward him, but that's because I don't expect him to be anything aside from who he is.

    Not sure if that helps you, Moon13. I have a very lax view of drugs and alcohol, even with that backstory, but I take real problems really seriously. What you're describing is a real problem, and the very hard part is that it's not yours, but his.

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