Can you become asexual through bad experiences?

[Reflective82]

This is really difficult to fully include everything but I’m going to try to give as full a background as possible as I would love to get some help with this.

I’m worried that over however many years I’ve become asexual. I’m 33 and I’ve been online dating on and off since my last proper long term relationship ended when I was 26 (which was what originally brought me here).

I really feel my personality has totally changed from online dating and whilst there were probably some previous issues there, online dating has really brought them to a head.

Previous issues: dysfunctional parental marriage, Dad has had numerous affairs over the years and fathered another child. Parents still married but dad is very dysfunctional and weird to say the least - had to handle a lot of this emotional burden from mum. Can’t go into loads of detail or would be here all night. I was a lap dancer through university to earn money and I enjoyed the wild-ness and attention of it. I cringe now! But it was an act so I didn’t see this as really being sexual, felt like performing. From the age of 14 I was always into boys, lost my virginity age 15, VERY confident when I was younger which led to me getting called a the usual names beginning with “S”
in our school. I do wonder if this had a deep impact on me as I’ve never been able to let go enough and orgasm with a guy. It’s just never happened but I have enjoyed the sex although maybe not as much as other friends. Love life was always active when younger, was rarely single but did have one 2 year intense sexual relationship with a family friend where the sex was amazing but he never wanted to make it official which led to a lot of negative feelings towards myself. Fell in love big time age 21 and that continued to age 26. I thought he was “the one” however it’s only with clarity you look back and realise there were quite a lot of red flags and it wasn’t as great as you thought. It was one of those break ups that changes you as a person - huge heartbreak on my side and I think the disbelief that I could have been so deluded and SO in love but not seen quite a lot of signs he wasn’t in it for the long haul. I got over it of course but it did leave trauma and scars.

Post this big breakup: entered the realm of online dating. For the first few years you are pretty positive. Meeting new people is great and really interesting! Have quite a few 3 month things but nothing really sticks. A group of girlfriends all have similar experiences so it makes me feel ok this isn’t just me but all these experiences and lack of love, positive long term relationships does really take a toll.

The last few years: I feel a shift where this resignation, feeling of hopelessness and apathey but still wanting a relationship has changed me. My friends are the same. You Spend hours going through tons of people you don’t fancy/look like someone you wouldn’t even say hi to! half the chats drop off and then when you meet you just don’t feel anything. It’s hard to tell if it’s just that I haven’t met the right one, if I’m just too fussy/aiming too high or if I’m just closed off and asexual and don’t realise it. I think over a long period online dating and the rejections for both men and women can be very mentally damaging. Of course I’ve rejected just as many guys but I find I reject earlier on but with men they always try for the sex as it’s in their nature and they then seem to get this “clarity”
After a period of sex (of course!) that they want to keep it as it is eg not commit, but happy to sleep with you!

I have sex with 1-2 guys a year. These are guys I do feel it’s worth a go with.
In between I can’t say I crave it often. The last guy was in May, really wining and dining me, introducing me to his friends. I made the mistake of sleeping with him without discussing where it was going and then surprise, a month later it fizzles.

I wonder if I’ve been increasingly shutting off sex as almost a punishment or form of Defense/control against being hurt. I get pretty attached after sex and even with 1-2 guys a year it’s still incrementally messing me up every time it doesn’t work out and I feel I’ve been led on just to get sex. Of course I’m aware I need to also take responsibility for this. I feel ultimately I should be seeing this as a more healthy “it just didn’t work out” but instead it strengthens my anti sex resolve and I find myself just emotionally and sexually pushing away from men, which is making me think perhaps this is why I’m struggling to find a relationship as I don’t really connect and go off men very easily.

I should mention I’ve always had anxiety (did drugs recreationally as a teen which sparked it) and I have read studies saying long term use of anti depressants which I have had to be on can cause low sex drive and sexual dysfunction. So it could be this.

So...am I just very sensitive and have gone off sex because I have resentment towards men? Have I become asexual? Was I always asexual but experienced sexual attraction with some people when I had more hormones in my teens? Has the situation with my parents played a part? Or do i just need to pull
Myself together.

I just feel really confused. I want a relationship but I seem to so rarely fancy people and have super high barriers up

Can anyone relate at all or does anyone have any advice? I could give more info but don’t want to overwhelm!

[Wiseman2]

Make an appointment with an excellent physician for a complete checkup including blood tests, metabolic and hormone studies. Make sure you are being appropriately treated for things and don't use google for medical advice. Also when at the doctor ask for a referral to a therapist and gynecologist.

You don't "have to' be in a relationship nor "have to" want to have sex in order to be normal and healthy. But if something is bothering you, investigate the matter more thoroughly before pondering questionable theories or ruminating and blaming an unchangeable past or everything else.

[reinventmyself]

There is nothing wrong with you.

You admit to getting attached after being sexual, yet you are being casually sexual with men and disappointed in the end.
It makes sense that dating isn't very rewarding for you.

Stop having sex with men until after you have spent a few weeks getting to know them. Have the discussion with them about exclusivity and sex. If their intentions are in the right place they will be on the same page you are. If not, then you've saved yourself some time, some disappointment and won't end up feeling like there is something wrong with you.

I recall those stretches of times I didn't date. It noticed the further away I got from having sex, the less I even thought about. It felt like I didn't really care. But back in the swing of things? . . .it all comes rushing back.
Again, you are perfectly normal.

Change your dating strategy and raise your standards. Don't sleep with men with the hopes it will then turn into something. Develop something with someone out of bed first. Take your time, raise your standards and don't be afraid to state them. It only works if you believe them.

[Moon13]

I don't think you are asexual, I think you've just been through a lot of heartache and you are pulling away from others to protect yourself from getting more hurt than which you already feel. The medication could be messing with your hormones too. Often when people are depressed or anxious, they don't feel like having sex. I'm sorry you are going through such a hard time, and I think it would be beneficial to seek help. Or do what I did, because therapy doesn't work for me. I left home for a month to go camping in the mountains in Guatemala with a bunch of hippies, and I learned so much about myself and healed a lot. It was the first time I've ever travelled internationally alone. Not saying what I did will work for you, but in my opinion sometimes you need to just leave the world you know to figure out your own stuff. Take a break from your reality and visit another reality to gain a different perspective of your life.

[Reflective82]

So I definitely couldn’t be asexual? I mean I hardly ever fancy guys and I’m not majorly into the sex when I do it and never orgasm and rarely masturbate. I thought this could be classed as asexual as it’s hardly ever feeling sexually attracted. I do feel people at my work where I have worked for 3 years must think I’m weird as I’m permanently single.


Yes, I’ve decided to only have sex when in a relationship now. I’ve always thought that is the best way but all my male and female friends say oh that’s old fashioned and if it is going well after say 6-7 dates then sleep with them. But with online dating that has just never worked with me! Mind you at the moment getting to a 6th date doesn’t even sound realistic :(

[Reflective82]

Thank you. Never thought of a hormone check! Will get tests

[SherrySher]

Yes, I’ve decided to only have sex when in a relationship now. I’ve always thought that is the best way but all my male and female friends say oh that’s old fashioned and if it is going well after say 6-7 dates then sleep with them. But with online dating that has just never worked with me! Mind you at the moment getting to a 6th date doesn’t even sound realistic :(

You've gotten some very bad advice, and as you can see, you're getting bad results.

It's not easy to find "the one"..you're not the only one struggling with finding someone or browsing through hundreds of profiles and finding barely anyone you'd honestly want to date.

It's tough.

Add into it, you've not had a proper romance. A romance should be about getting to know someone as well as possible, enjoying each others company. Connecting on all sorts of levels. Concentrating on flirting, holding hands, kisses that don't lead to sex straight away.
An actual romance.

It sounds like you've never had one. And that's a shame. It is so much more fulfilling and in the end, means so much more than wham, bam, thank you mam.

You create love out of a proper romance, not sex.
That's something you need to learn. Anyone can throw sex on that table, but as you've already learned, it won't amount to much at all.

Keep looking, he's out there. And when you find him, date him, romance each other. Get as close to him as you can intellectually, mentally, spiritually, etc...and leave the sex until you two have really created a strong foundation and closeness.

You're being left cold, because you're not only being treated poorly, but you're missing the whole point of sex.
It's to connect with someone you have created a foundation and romance with...(this takes time).
It's to share deep feelings you have for one another, (again through spending lots of time together and truly having something special).

Your "friends" can call it old fashioned, but their formula is leaving you used and left...and it sounds as though they're not having much luck either.
It's very disheartening how romance is thrown out the window these days and no one has much respect for it.

But try to do things differently, I would guess that you'll get much better results.

[Reflective82]

This all sounds dreamy!

Yes, I’m really feeling for some men online dating is like sitting at a sushi restaurant and seeing all the little plates come round - oh I’ll try a bit of that one for a few months, then another one for a few. I’m sure some have a great time “sampling” different dishes! For those of us who want love and romance it’s not so easy.

I also do wonder if I get confused and attracted by this sexual chemistry of a “bad”
guy as even reading your words about holding hands, getting close spiritually - I want that but I think I’d almost be a bit suspicious at first as I need to build up trust. I can’t imagine finding someone I want this with and it being reciprocated. Lowering standards looks wise for a nice guy would be the easiest option but I would like to feel some attraction. However I feel with online dating the stereotypical good looking guys are often not the best relationship material

[abitbroken]

You are not asexual at all.
You are heterosexual.
You are just at a time where you feel hurt, anxious, etc and are not desiring to have sex at this time.
The absence of the sex act does not make one asexual.

[Reflective82]

thank you for the reassurance, I do hope so. It’s just for about 5 years I’ve been sleeping with maybe 1 or 2 guys a year max and not craving sex. It just seems unusual compared to my friends - I don’t seem to have any desire! Hopefully it comes back a bit