Bereavement

What do you do if in NC but ex calls/txts to tell you their Father has passed away and you're invited to the funeral?

"Invited"? What culture/religion is she? Who "invited you"? Usually deaths are simply notifications and people go to the wake, funeral, Shiva, or equivalents. It's not a party. Go if you want and/or send a card/flowers or whatever is appropriate to her culture. Totally up to you. If you see this as an excuse to reconcile, then just send something.

ex calls/txts to tell you their Father has passed away and you're invited to the funeral?

Sorry invited wasn't the best choice of word. Requested or "appreciated if you could come" , would've been better. My bad.

 

i know i can't get answers here but imagine having always had a close relationship with Father in Law. just so confused about things -terible timing (i know there's never a good time to die). I'd feel terrible for not going and awkward for going, don't beat me up.

Were you married or is this the long-term, long-distance gf? Go if you think it's something you want to do. Or if you can't see that happening send a condolence offering to the family. Those are your choices. Go or don't go. In either case acknowledge it with some sort of condolences.

i know i can't get answers here but imagine having always had a close relationship with Father in Law. I'd feel terrible for not going and awkward for going, don't beat me up.

11 years altogether. thanks Wiseman.

I would go to honor the memory of a man you cared about, and your presence is obviously wanted by your ex, so the breakup wasn't bitter, apparently. I think awkwardness is a lesser evil than feeling guilty and terrible.

 

My ex husband invited me to his father's funeral. I thanked him but told him I'd just flown across the country to see my relatives and him, two months before he died, and was happy to have done that. I couldn't afford another trip that soon, but would have gone if it had been local.

If you broke up recently - in the past 6 months, I would go, sit in the back and when you get a moment, approach her mother and express your condolences. I would not necessarily go to the luncheon, though. I would not go as a comforter for your ex.

Were you close to the family?

This is very personal. It's up to you whether you feel it's a good idea to go to pay your respects and for your own sense of letting go/remembering this person. There's no wrong answer here. Just check in with yourself on your expectations and how you feel about your ex. If you think it's too much, you shouldn't feel obligated. I can't imagine someone finding fault with you for not feeling up to it. Just do what you think and feel is right for you.

Given this info, do not go there. Send a card to the family if you want to.

I crumbled and unblocked and got to see pics ex and new bf with arms round each other and accompanying loved up status messages. But at least it's all public now

It is hard when someone requests you come. But you have to do what is actually best for YOU.

 

When it comes to funerals, you only get a brief time frame to do whatever it is your going to do. So I think you have to consider a couple things:

 

1. If you are completely done with this relationship and his family?

 

2. Do you want to go but worry about the implications to you ex?

 

If you want the family to know you care but can't bear to go, send flowers or a card.

 

The other thing I was thinking-- can you go to the funeral home (assuming it's at a funeral home) and just sign the book?

 

That way you were there, but just didn't see anyone. I know that can seem a little backhanded. But funerals are busy for the immediate family and they could just assume they didn't see you. This could be a good choice if you don't know how you feel. it's documented you came, but you dont have to face anyone.

 

You don't want to give false hope to your ex. unfortunately these things happen and let's face it, you are not together. that's what break ups and divorces are... they go on with their life and you go on with yours no exceptions- unless their are kids. Then you have to go. Sometimes these life defining things make us second guess our decisions but really they shouldn't.

 

I think its a little selfish they asked you to come but their dad did just die, so no judgment there. When my ex's mom died, I didn't go. A mutual friend called to tell me. which she enjoyed doing a little too much. but that's another post. haha

 

I looked at this way: funerals are about the people closest to the deceased. You go to support those people. I was no longer a person of support to my ex and he knew why I did not owe him that courtesy. So I felt no guilt. I never saw his family again so again, no guilt. that part of my life was over.

 

Whatever you decide, decide for yourself and understand why you did what you did. in that way, you will always be comfortable with your choice.

Given this info, do not go there. Send a card to the family if you want to.

oh wait.... i didnt know they are with someone else. just send a card. don't add drama to the situation....

I would send my condolences with a sincerely written sympathy card and flowers (floral bouquet) to your ex or his family (your ex's mother).

Will seeing her with her new boyfriend upset you?

 

Don't imagine he won't be there. He probably will.

Do not go.

oh wait.... i didnt know they are with someone else. just send a card. don't add drama to the situation....

 

I did not realize this. Send a nice card to the mother, for sure. But don't go.