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Thread: What is true love?

  1. #11
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    I can't speak for everyone nor every couple.

    True love means respect in my long term marriage. It's about being selfless and no "me first" attitude. It's about always thinking of the needs of your partner first before your own. Also, saying kind words of expression as opposed to the "sincerest form of flattery is silence" mode. Love is action. It's about helping without having been asked to help, picking up the slack automatically, making life easier and smooth for the entire household. It's "getting down to brass tacks" with daily life.

    True love is commitment and riding out the storm whether it's a bad day, bad finances, struggle, health woes or hardship and achieving fruition later.

    Love is about mature, daily cooperation and being in lockstep with your partner. Love requires patience and forgiveness.

    Most of all, sincere, true love requires mutual very high emotional intelligence (EQ). Google those words. Without emotional intelligence ALL relationships (including friendships) are doomed for failure.

  2. #12
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    Love is about trust as if your very life depended on him or her.

    Love is about always having the other person's back, being able to lean on them and they to you and catch you when you fall.

    Love is about being a moral, honorable, conscientious, decent human being.

  3. #13
    Platinum Member Fudgie's Avatar
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    I have no idea about true love anymore. I doubt it exists, at least for me, and I'm not trying to find it anymore.

    You may think Jane would stick around if you're bed bound but from what you've told me, I'm not sure how she would. From your past threads, she sounds like a real wounded, mostly incapable bird. If you're down and out and not making the money, I don't know how she'd stick around and be able to support you since you'd no longer be supporting her.

    You need to find someone who is a little more capable, a little more adult. Someone who actually would be able to handle such a situation if it were come to it.

  4. #14
    Bronze Member MirrorKnight's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Hollyj
    Does Kathy know that you are still reaching out to your ex? That is not right!
    I am not reaching out to my ex... I'm not sure where you got that idea from. I said she rang me crying 2.5 weeks ago, I did not initiate that contact, and I think I owed it to her to at least sit and listen for a while, whilst making it clear that there will be no reconciliation. It has been NC since then.

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  6. #15
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    True, sincere, moral, honorable, respectable love still exists but it's hard to find. It's like trying to find a needle in a haystack or winning the lotto.

    It's a great big world out there. The key is to become very picky, choosy and selective in order to find the right one. Never settle for mediocrity or crumbs. Keep your standards very high.

    It's better to be alone than lonely and miserable with the wrong person. My parents can attest to that.

  7. #16
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    Love and these kinds of stories are all about emotions, but emotions are fickle, fleeting, and changing. Long term relationships are more about loyalty to each other, which is a conscious choice, rather than emotions. Some days it's a hard choice, others an easy one. In successful relationships, you have two people who choose correctly every single day even when it's extremely hard.

    My personal observation is that people who tend to over romanticize love and relationships tend to fail the worst at them because they have highly idealistic expectations of feeling always high on love emotions and are quite unequipped to deal with the down times and the difficult times when they will invariably experience conflict, emotional distance, life challenges, etc. When that happens, they feel out of love and off to the races to find the next high....rinse and repeat until either they figure it out or it becomes a lifestyle.

  8. #17
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    I wish I could remember the book. It's pretty text book psychology stuff from the era of Jung and Freud. The opening chapter does a good job at defining love.

    That people associate love with magical feelings and emotions that come over them and while that is partly true, the chapter goes on to describe love as more of an action.

    Feelings are complex and often a result of some experience or something familiar, even if it's unhealthy.

    It goes on to give analogies of how a doctor loves medicine and he dedicates his life and time to study and practice.
    How an artist spends hours honing their skills and creating beautiful art. (they both were in miserable relationships)
    These are all actions in the service of cultivating love. The love of medicine and art.

    It wraps up with the question, what would it be like if we dedicated ourselves to the service of loving relationships. So much we take for granted and think it will survive purely on that funny feeling.

    Love is more of an action than it is a feeling. And then the wheel goes around. . .
    You can't have one without the other.

  9. #18
    Platinum Member Jibralta's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Billie28
    There is nothing in those two stories that implicate true love!!

    In both scenarios there is a one sided story!!

    Perhaps the girl loved her soldier bf. But would he have married her had he come back from deployment with all limbs intact? Was he a perfect bf? Who knows?

    The old lady , well she and her husband came from an era where you married for life. And she is honouring her vows despite what may or may not have happened through their married life.
    There are also people from that era that remain married despite their husband abusing their own children and ignoring it.
    That's true!

    Originally Posted by reinventmyself
    Love is more of an action than it is a feeling.
    Agreed.

    Was the book called, The Road Less Travelled?

  10. #19
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    I relate to DF's take above, post #16.

    I have no grandiose ideas for you or great love stories. I also have no great schemes or love advice. I can only tell you that true love ends up actually being a choice and a practice. It's a constant practice of discipline, tolerance, tact and expression. Emotions are formed by mental practice and constant training. If a person keeps training him or herself to be intolerant of his or her partner or less understanding, the outcome will be directly related to that practice. Your reality and the things/people in it (reflections of your reality) will mirror you.

    The same goes for unhealthy practices (co-dependency, being a doormat, disrespectful behaviour overall).

    I don't believe in a dictatorship in relationships and am a firm believer the silent and unspoken partner (other side of the coin) of love is actually tolerance. It's vastly understated and often misconstrued, underused and targeted as being a negative trait in the wrong context. Not everyone is mentally stable enough or emotionally stable enough to be tolerant and not everyone is able to draw a line when the time comes if that tolerance is out of place or not appropriate.

    If you happen to find someone who is willing to explore those things with you, it's a gift. You'll both learn your own practice and develop your own limits and tolerances together. If you have represented intolerance and are unusually short on patience or understanding, it's probably a good indicator that you need more time alone to explore your own identity.

  11. #20
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Jibralta


    Was the book called, The Road Less Travelled?
    Oh. . my recall just kicked in!

    The Art of Loving/Eric Fromm

    I read it while going to therapy and contemplating my divorce. There were so many things that showed me the way. This was one of them.
    I read the first chapter (that I shared) and the realization made me cry.

    Though my husband professed his love to me repeatedly, while reading this book I realized his actions were far from loving. I realized a lot of things he did were actually somewhat hateful. It was really confusing to have someone in your ear telling you they love you when their actions didn't even come close.

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