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Hey everyone. I feel so broken and lost, I am completely shocked. I never felt pain so intense in my entire life. I will try to keep this as short as possible, but there are so many details to my story, forgive me if this is too long. I need help. I am 33 year old male from US and my fiance is 28 female from Brazil. We have been together for almost 3 years.

 

I met her online on a language learning website in January 2016. We entered into a long distance relationship in March 2016. After obtaining my tourist visa and passport, finally in January 2017 I traveled to Brazil to meet her for the first time.

 

We fell for each other immediately and made love the first night. I stayed for 2 weeks and before I left Brazil we planned to start the process of her immigration to the United States. Traveling to Brazil was such a huge and scary life event for me, but being with her made me so happy. Happier than I have ever been in my life.

 

I returned home and began work on her immigration process. I began to send her money each week with western union to help her. I sent her money constantly, throughout our relationship.. When I was in the US we had occasional fights, because of random guys on her social media, and she broke up with me more times than I can count, but always called me back the next day and we were fine.

 

We still missed each other very much, so in June 2017, I returned to Brazil and stayed all the way until December. During this very long time living together, we grew very close, and she swore I was the only man she ever loved, and we even tryed to have a child together.

 

In December 2017 I returned to the US and began paperwork for her K1 fiance visa. It was a very, very complicated process, and I spent countless hours buried in paperwork and stress. I was so worried we would be denied the visa.

 

During the next few months we had many more fights caused by random guys commenting on her social media, leaving hearts on her photos, etc.. I was madly in love with her, and stupidly became jealous very easily. I know my jealousy was pushing her away, but I became so sick of the random men orbiting around her. She never made me feel safe with her.

 

Again, while I was in the US, she broke up with me countless times, but always called me the next day and we fixed things as usual. I learned to control my jealousy and everything seemed better.

 

After a entire year apart, I returned to Brazil for the 3rd time in January 2019 to attend the US visa interview with her in Rio de Janeiro. We received our second approval letter in Febuary, and she jumped into my arms with happiness. We were both very happy. However over the next we months we had a few major fights, mostly due to random guys she talked to, daily stress of living with her in her parents house, and the entire immigration process.

 

I extended the validity of my tourist visa, and stayed in Brazil until August 2019. I returned to the US, and my first day back home she said she wanted to break up. She said she never forgot our fights in Brazil, never forgot my jealousy and the things I said, and planned to break up with me all along, as soon as I returned to the US.

 

I was devastated, and begged her to come back. She said we can be friends, to which I responded I cant be your friend, because I love you. She called me 2 days later and said she really loves me, and lets try to live together in the United States and see if we can be happy again.

 

After much more hard work, money, stress and endless paperwork, I scheduled her visa interview for September 17. I sent her $2,000 for her to attend the interview, and to enjoy Rio de Janeiro. She sent me many unprovoked I love yous, and we were talking to each other constantly about the wonderful future we had planned together since 2016.

 

She flew from her city in the Northeast of Brazil, 2,000 miles to Rio de Janeiro with her mother, and attended the visa interview. We were approved for her K1 visa. I cried tears of joy. I never felt so happy in my entire life. 2 years of tedious paperwork, stress, and endless planning was finally over. She seemed to be very happy as well.

 

She flew back home to the Northeast of Brazil, and we began planning when she would travel to the U.S.

 

Throughout my relationship with her, she always said it will be so hard to leave her family, and live in a new country. She went to a psychiatrist to help her deal with the stress of leaving her family. I told her many times, the k1 visa gives you 3 months in the US before we need to marry, and if you do not like living here, you can go home, and I am open to the idea of living in Brazil with you, because I love you.

 

1 week after being approved for the visa, she said she was going to travel to another state in Brazil to say goodbye to her godparents. I sent her money again for the trip. I could sense there was something very different, she became very cold and flat when she talked to me.

 

I became angry and asked her why she was being so cold towards me. She responded she wanted a break from this relationship, dont contact her more, and she will call me when she decides if she will come to the U.S

 

She texted me a few days later, and said we are finished, to forget her. It has been 22 days since this all started. I began sending her emails (the only way I can communicate with her) pleading with her to at least try to see if she likes the united states, that I am in so much pain and miss her, and that I love her so much.

 

I asked her continuosly if she had met someone else. I could not think of any other reason for her to be doing this. She kept saying no, she does not have anyone, that she just does not love me.

 

I kept emailing her like a idiot in my pain and grief, begging and pleading for her to give me another chance. She became very angry that I kept emailing her, and finally admitted she met someone the day after we broke up, that they had sex the entire week.

 

I am still sick to my stomach after hearing that. She said many cruel things, that since she had sex with him, she managed to forget me, that she never loved me. I cant even put into words how much pain this caused me.

 

I went no contact for 4 days, and she texted me last friday night out of nowhere and simply said, I miss you, and sorry. Her saying she misses me gave me hope, so I sent her more emails and photos of us together, begging and pleading for her not to leave me.

 

She unblocked me on whatsapp and said she admits she did love me at one time, that I am the only man that ever loved her in her entire life, but her heart does not belong to me. She said she doesent have a boyfriend, that he is just a friend with benefits. And she is not ready for a serious relationship yet. I sent more emails, hoping she would remember the love we shared.

 

She emailed me back, and said the k1 visa is valid until march 20, 2020, but dont wait for her, because she is done. I dont know why she would tell me the exact date her US visa is no longer valid. To give me hope? I feel she is stringing me along?

 

Now I have not contacted her for 4 days. Every day I wake up I am in pain, I cant eat, I just feel constant pain in my chest and stomach. The only thing I look forward to is sleep, so I dont feel pain. Still sometimes I dream about her, hear songs we used to listen to together in my sleep and I wake up crying.

 

I cry for 2 hours, feel numb for a few hours, then cry again.. I cant believe she can be so cold towards me, I gave her everything I had, I left the united states 3 times and spent 1 year and 2 months total in Brazil. I left my daughter in care with my parents so I could be with her. Leaving my beautiful little daughter was so painful, but I believed it was justified because my fiance loved me and I wanted to be with her.

 

I am just completely lost, pain and anxiety is taking over my life. It hurts so much to know she is with someone else. I keep imagining her being intimate with another man, and it kills me. Sometimes it makes me angry, and I am trying to hate her so I dont feel pain, but I dont hate her. I still love her.

 

My family says she will call me soon ( as she always did after breaking up) and she will say sorry and try to get back with me, but I cant see that happening, not after the horrible things she said to me. Its been 21 days of agony.

 

My friends say be strong for yourself and your daughter, and she will be calling you before the fiance visa expires in march next year. They think she was lying about having another man, and said that she had someone else because of anger and because I kept contacting her and begging.

 

She deactivated her facebook, almost as if she is ashamed to face my family and friends after doing this to me. But she is on instagram, and seems completely happy, posting photos of herself and she seems fine. This hurts me so much that she is so unaffected by the pain she caused me. She did say she is sorry for the pain she caused me, that I will eventually be able to forget her.

 

I am holding onto hope that she calls me. I am so lost, my worst nightmare is realized and all I can do is cry.. I truly loved her and I dont know how to deal with this pain. She is such a beautiful woman, she is so beautiful that it makes me doubt I can find someone else that can compare to her. I am in complete agony, and I am afraid the pain will only worsen when I fully realize she is gone forever.

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The reality is, she doesn't want to leave. Your answer is: if you love her this much, you have to make the sacrifice and pack up your life and move there that's it....this visa thing is out the window.

You mentioned a daughter...from another marriage? Don't you think she is more important than this woman?? You need to get a grip. Your family and friends are blowin smoke up your butt to calm you down...they are just enabling/misguiding you from the reality that this isn't working out. I know in the beginning, being infatuated, everything seems right...as time goes on tho, things start to unravel.

The tough love/mom talk: Your are craycray. Your obsessiveness is clouding your judgement. You are jealous love sick fool. I understand your pain, and how you feel about her BUT you are losing all self respect. You need to see a therapist to get some perspective...

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I am very sorry you feel the way you do... but...

 

There re SO MANY red flags here. She is using you, she sounds unstable, and (no sugar coating here) I think you are co-dependent and needy. Fix yourself man, get some self respect - you are making a fool of yourself.

 

You met on-line, didn't meet in person for almost a year, then she basically jerked you around for the next 2 years. You sent her a lot of money and did whatever she asked (told) you to do. Can you not see that you have been used?

 

I'm sorry, but you really need to move on. We are here to help you through it!

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It’s good that you are posting in the “after break up” portion because to me that says you have come to terms at least a little bit with the fact that it’s over. That means you can begin pulling yourself together and truly healing. Some lamenting and pining is a normal part of the process (I’m doing my own fair share right now, my dude) but one day at a time you can just make the next healthy decision for yourself and keep moving forward. I agree with the other posters and I’m confident you will also get to a place where you agree too: this was not a loving, growth-oriented relationship. I left a toxic 14 year relationship a long time ago and I know that it still hurts to do it....but you have WAY better things coming down the pipeline, trust.

 

Good luck and remember, one healthy choice at a time!

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How much money did you send her altogether?

 

She was in it for the money and the visa.

 

I presume you'll think I'm harsh and cruel to suggest she never loved you, but this situation is textbook overseas scam story. Many people have experienced the same thing.

 

I'm sure when you're ready you can meet someone who lives in your city or area who won't require such extreme sacrifices.

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I am so sorry you're going through this.

 

Truthfully? It sounds as though she was in it for the money and visa. She treated you very badly and still is.

 

Somehow you've got to find the strength in yourself to let her go and to shift your focus onto your daughter. She's the one who deserves your love and time, not this two timing user.

The way she behaves with other men, I have no doubt she's pulled this many times and that she had more on the line than just you.

 

I know it's hard to hear that but you have to start seeing this for what it is.

Consider seeing a therapist to help you through this time. But if you commit to going no contact with her and looking after yourself, things will get easier..you will heal.

You've got a daughter who needs you. You need to focus on the bigger picture here.

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Others have said what mostly needed to be said.

 

Chances are, you have been scammed. If not, then that girl is very unstable and unreliable, or just is not all that into you.

 

Learn to be happy in yourself before you look for it from a girl... you won't find it and the only women who will tolerate such neediness and insecurity are broken themselves. You don't want that.

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y family says she will call me soon ( as she always did after breaking up)
Yes, I suspect she will call you again... when she needs another $2000.00 to do something to extend the visa because she loves and misses you. Don't sent her the money... she is just using you. Instead please do yourself the kindness of spending your money on a good therapist that will help you through your grief and show you the way to forgiving yourself for putting up with her off and on game she played with you.

 

When you realize that there are good women where you live that will be close enough to nurture a loving relationship with you, you will forget about her and you will have forgiven yourself for it all.

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Ummm...I wasn't that surprised regarding the online relationship because there are many posts like that here. However I was very surprised and confused at a few other things. First of all I don't completely understand why you began an online relationship with a woman on another continent. I've seen teenagers do it but you were 30 years old? Did you have no luck in your own area or at least your own country? Surely you weren't in love with her at first sight so why start a serious relationship with a total stranger off the Internet?

 

Secondly, am I to understand you are a single father? Is that why you had to ask your parents to watch your daughter every time you went to Brazil? I understand love and all that but why was a woman in another country more important to you than your small child? And you kept sending her all this money when you had financial responsibility towards your child. Why couldn't your ex spend at least some of her own money on all that stuff? Don't you think it's alarming that she kept making you send money?

 

Also how was your relationship good and "true love" if you fought and broke up absolutely constantly? I think you felt jealous because you had good reason to feel jealous. If she had all these guys always commenting on her pictures with hearts, guess what, that means she was somehow encouraging them. I don't think she loved you if she was talking and flirting with other guys. And she kept breaking up with you but she obviously needed more money, so she kept milking your wallet.

 

Finally you sent her the $2000 and probably that was a sufficient amount for her, so she decided to dump you and immediately start sleeping with another guy. Sounds like you were way more invested in this scammer than even your own child. What on Earth do you think you were doing and how did you think it was going to lead to anything good...

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Thanks to everyone for taking your time to respond. I have been doing no contact for 5 days, yesterday she emailed me at 1 in the morning and said this has been much harder than she thought it would be, that she really really likes me as a person, but that we wouldent last long as a couple.

 

She knows without a doubt I really do love her, and I will do anything for her. So how can she possibly think I could be her friend? Every time I go no contact she texts me first within a few days. After no contact last week she said she misses me out of nowhere.

 

I am sure she used me for money. I sent her every week the amount she earns working at her job in Brazil each month. I doubt that she used me for a US visa, because the only way for her to live here legally is if we marry 90 days after she arrives in the country, otherwise the visa is useless.

 

Yes my daughter is from a previous relationship. I have full custody of her. I have always taken care of her financial needs first and foremost, even when I was in Brazil. That's part of what kills me so much, that I gave everything I have to make this relationship happen. I only had the stength to travel to Brazil so many times because I thought the 3 of us could be a family when my ex arrived in the US, making it all worth it. What a mistake. My ex even talked to my daughter frequently in video calls and sent her gifts.

 

I will just try to shift my focus on the good things I still have in my life and go no contact, and assume I will never see her again and try to heal. But everytime I ignore her for a few days she contacts me randomly, and it hurts all over again.

 

The sadness I am feeling is brutal. The good memories I have with her are making me uncontrollably sad.

 

Thanks sincererly again to everyone that responded, reading the thoughts of others outside of my situation I think has helped my change my perspective

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NEVER send anyone money! If people ask you for money straight away you must know they are using and scamming you! Nobody who is decent and truly loves you for real reasons would be asking for money. It's as simple as that. If anyone asks for money, whether they be overseas or in your own city, they are up to no good. Even when I was in between jobs, if I was dating someone I wouldn't have asked for money because I'm a decent person who doesn't want to rip people off. It's a serious warning sign which you ignored!

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A lot of times they don't come right out and ask for money. First they hook their target with "I love you!!!" and promises of a future. Then they start the sad sack stories. Oh, I am about to be evicted! My heat is being turned off tomorrow! My mother needs a kidney transplant! I haven't eaten in 2 days! Then they sit back and wait to see which of their marks will take the bait.

 

I'm willing to bet the OP believes he offered money because he loves her and wants to "help". These scammers are so good they get their targets to believe it was their own idea to send money.

 

But I agree...NEVER send money.

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Here's a good way to get her to stop contacting you with crumbs like "I miss you" that mean NOTHING.

 

Tell her that you want her to repay the money you gave her for the plane fare to Rio since she's reneged on the reason to give her that money. I'm pretty sure she'll quickly disappear and stop tormenting you with empty platitudes.

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Yes my daughter is from a previous relationship. I have full custody of her. I have always taken care of her financial needs first and foremost, even when I was in Brazil.

Financial needs of a child you have full custody of? So you phoned in the rest? You mentioned several times you were willing to move to Brazil. How does that benefit your daughter?

 

I am sorry all this has happened but you need to take some responsibility here. You let this go on too long and you seem to have lost control over this. I get it hurts right now, but you need to buck up and straighten up at some point. You have a daughter who needs you and you can't be falling apart over a woman who yanked your chain and took your money.

 

The isn't going to change and you aren't going to have the fairy tale you were hoped for.

 

So the quickest way to the other side is block her entirely. No more checking her instagram and no more emails.

And I suspect everyone that tells you she will contact you aren't telling you that to make you hopeful. It comes as a warning.

She will contact you. She loves the money and the attention. Time to stop the crazy train and get your life back.

 

If you can't do it for yourself, do it for your daughter.

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DMK... If you ever feel like you just HAVE to contact her, post here instead, or send us a PM. We will help you thought it!

 

Yeah honestly I don't know how to begin to respond to everyone. But this post has been very helpful to me, and I truly appreciate everyones input. If anyone wants to send me a PM, I will be happy to explain more details.

 

Nobody who is decent and truly loves you for real reasons would be asking for money. It's as simple as that. If anyone asks for money, whether they be overseas or in your own city, they are up to no good.

 

Yes. I just felt comfortable sending her money because we were engaged, and its in my nature to want to help those I care for. I guess I thought she actually loved me.

 

Oh, I am about to be evicted! My heat is being turned off tomorrow! My mother needs a kidney transplant! I haven't eaten in 2 days! Then they sit back and wait to see which of their marks will take the bait.

 

These scammers are so good they get their targets to believe it was their own idea to send money.

 

But I agree...NEVER send money.

 

Yep. Every month there was some mysterious new financial problem that came up, and each month I helped her all I could. To the point of denying myself things I wanted, so she would be happy. She even bacame angry with me when I couldent send the money when I said I would.

 

Here's a good way to get her to stop contacting you with crumbs like "I miss you" that mean NOTHING.

 

Tell her that you want her to repay the money you gave her for the plane fare to Rio since she's reneged on the reason to give her that money. I'm pretty sure she'll quickly disappear and stop tormenting you with empty platitudes.

 

I feel horrible every time she contacts me, when she said I miss you I got filled with false hope, and felt 1,000 times worse the next day. If she continues contacting me and being cold this will be a good solution, as hard as it may be for me. I just want to feel better. The pain I am in feels like I have the flu, I just want to be better and soon. Something has to give.

 

Financial needs of a child you have full custody of? So you phoned in the rest? You mentioned several times you were willing to move to Brazil. How does that benefit your daughter?

 

I am sorry all this has happened but you need to take some responsibility here. You let this go on too long and you seem to have lost control over this. I get it hurts right now, but you need to buck up and straighten up at some point. You have a daughter who needs you and you can't be falling apart over a woman who yanked your chain and took your money.

 

The isn't going to change and you aren't going to have the fairy tale you were hoped for.

 

So the quickest way to the other side is block her entirely. No more checking her instagram and no more emails.

And I suspect everyone that tells you she will contact you aren't telling you that to make you hopeful. It comes as a warning.

She will contact you. She loves the money and the attention. Time to stop the crazy train and get your life back.

 

If you can't do it for yourself, do it for your daughter.

 

Bro you seriously told me what I was needing to hear. I thank you for that, because you helped me see this for what it is. I I need to focus on the bigger picture. I am in agony every day, and she is already with another guy. Why should I be crying for a woman that clearly doesent love me. I definately was used, and she never cared for me like I cared for her. I try to hate her for the pain she is putting me through, but I keep remembering the good times we had together and I cant get angry.

 

Mornings are terrible. As soon as I wake up I start crying. At night I feel better, because by then I already spent hours thinking of her, and I feel better. But every day I wake up the agony starts again. Each day I say to myself, stop crying, be a man, but I keep thinking of how she made me happy, and I fall apart.

 

I just cant stop hurting. I wish I could press a button and stop the pain..

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The hardest part is, I keep remembering all the plans we made together. 4 days before she broke up she was talking about going to new york city, and after that going to disney with my daughter. We planned the kind of apartment we would share. I bought her a winter coat because the plan was for her to arrive here in January. It came in the mail today and I just stared at it blankly.

 

I am starting to realize she really must be emotionally unstable. She has always been cold towards me when I was in the US, as I said she broke up with me countless times, but when I was in Brazil she was different. Almost overly affectionate towards me. That's what is killing me so much, the good memories and the things we planned.

 

She took all the effort to be approved for the US visa, took passport photos, went to medical exams for vaccinations, printed hundreds of documents with her own hands, and she breaks up with me AFTER we are finally approved? I spent countless hours stressed out and working on the visa so we would be approved. And she gives up NOW? It is so rediculous I can't even begin to comprehend. It is unbelievable. Like a cosmic joke.

 

I suppose I am learning a valuable life lesson, and as painful as it is. I need to remember who I was before I met her, and be strong enough to let her go. It just hurts so much when I think I will never see her again. Thanks everyone for taking the time out of your day to help me

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I guess there are many lessons to be learned here. If you're 30 and getting easily scammed like that, you may want to check why you're so prone to "helping others", especiall when those others are out there to f*** you. There's a book called "No more Mr Nice guy" or similar name, you can read it online. You should have a look.

 

The things you're writing here make me believe you're a very easy target for these people. I mean, it was plain clear that she was just using you, you realise that, and still want her back. I'm no psychologist but you may have some very strong attachment issues going on and therapy might help you figure those things out and why you're like that. Your behaviour is not "nice", it's just plain unhealthy.

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And at some point putting a stop to ruminating about is helpful.

 

As much as you seem to take in all the advise I can't help but think you play that endless loop tape over and over long enough, it just gets that much harder to move on. Constantly breathing life into something that has long passed is just another way to keep it alive.

 

It becomes an active choice to thought-stop. Now might be as good as time as any.

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  • 3 weeks later...

 

The things you're writing here make me believe you're a very easy target for these people. I mean, it was plain clear that she was just using you, you realise that, and still want her back.

 

Can't say I disagree. In my mind I was helping my fiance, financially, emotionally... helping her every way I could, because she someone who wanted to be with me. So I guess I was blinded by that lie. Besides the heartbreak of loosing her, I just feel betrayed, used, not valued or appreciated. I am now starting to feel anger, but it doesent last long. Anger at her, and myself for not protecting my heart ... I will check out that book you suggested, thanks for your reply.

 

And at some point putting a stop to ruminating about is helpful.

 

As much as you seem to take in all the advise I can't help but think you play that endless loop tape over and over long enough, it just gets that much harder to move on. Constantly breathing life into something that has long passed is just another way to keep it alive.

 

It becomes an active choice to thought-stop. Now might be as good as time as any.

 

I cant stop feeling sad. I have cried every day for 1.5 months. I am noticing though, I am crying less every day. Some days are horrible, especially the mornings. It's like every day I wake up the pain is refreshed.

 

Its been 15 days of no contact. I stopped sending her emails. Emailing her is getting me nowhere. I installed a email tracker on my phone, and I noticed yesterday she was reading the old emails I sent her. Also someone tried to access my instagram, I guess it was her. It made me feel good that she was thinking of me at least.

 

The no contact is hurting too much. It's really hard not knowing if she is okay or not... like, I care for her as a person as well, it's just so painful that she is dissapearing and I know nothing about her now. I miss talking to her. I miss telling her about my day..

 

After talking to her and hearing her voice EVERY day for the past 3 years, it is such a emotional shock to no longer communicate.. I loved her accent when she spoke english. I keep hearing her voice in my head.

 

I just feel so much anxiety not hearing from her... I keep checking her instagram page, as painful as it is to do so. It makes me feel some connection to her, viewing a tiny piece of her life. She is posting photos of herself in some random house I have never seen before, smiling, looking beautiful. She added text to her instagram profile" busy, in love, and loving".

 

Why am I crying over someone who clearly does not care about me, and is probably dating someone already? I keep getting love songs stuck in my head we used to listen to together, makes me incredibly sad.

 

I think what I am sad about is just the feeling of being in love.. like, the pain is actually not from her, but I am mourning over "love" that I thought was real. I don't know.

 

One of her last emails to me (21 days ago) she said she really likes me, that I will always be in her heart, and she wants us to be friends.

 

I am thinking about emailing her and accept being her friend, so at least I can know how she is doing:( The no contact is killing me. I think maybe if I can at least talk to her maybe I can build her attraction for me again. I miss her so much...

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