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Thread: The seconds feel like hours; waiting to hear if my hope has any basis in reality

  1. #1
    Bronze Member Skeptic76's Avatar
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    The seconds feel like hours; waiting to hear if my hope has any basis in reality

    Long story short, a little over a month ago I broke up with a woman I love due to distance and a fear that my sense of fidelity was waning. Well, like Joni said “you don’t know what you’ve got ‘till it’s gone...” and now I can see what an epic mistake I made. I was a fool to leave her.

    Last week I went online and read her blog. I saw that she was posting about being devastatingly heartbroken every few days. She was writing about her breakup feelings including sadness, anger, loneliness and everything else that comes along with lost love. It was too much for me...after days of biting my tongue I texted her on Saturday and told her that I read her blog; that there was so much I wanted to say. I mentioned that what prompted me to text at that moment was a memory we have both always treasured, and coincidentally she was blocks away from the restaurant where that memory was created when my text came through...over 100 miles away from her house!

    We texted a little the next day (Sunday) and both agreed we would like to have a heart-to-heart. She wondered if it was “to clear the air, or more?” and I made it clear that I would not hesitate to take the “more” option were it presented. She was on her way to a birthday party and had to go so I said I would wait to hear from her about when a good time to talk would be. We went our separate ways for the rest of the day.

    Monday passed without any contact and also nothing today, Tuesday midday. You guys, if she hasn’t reached out already she’s not going to, is she?

    I don’t regret texting her because I would do anything to reconcile. But I can see that if she doesn’t want to get back together I have set the healing process way back. Oof.

  2. #2
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    Originally Posted by Skeptic76
    Monday passed without any contact and also nothing today, Tuesday midday. You guys, if she hasn’t reached out already she’s not going to, is she?
    I wouldn't necessarily reach that conclusion just yet.

    She could indeed be thinking things over and trying to decide if it's in her best interest to see you. Or, she might have already decided she wants to see but is trying to play to cool before she tells you when she's free. Sometimes dumpees do this when they suddenly realize their ex regrets their choice and they're back in the driver's seat, so to speak - relishing a restored sense of power and control for a bit before conceding that they too want to try again. In short, I would give it a few more days before writing off all hope.

    In the event she does meet you, what do you plan to do about the problems that led you to break up with her? How will manage the distance and your fading sense of fidelity differently?

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    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    a little over a month ago I broke up with a woman I love due to distance and a fear that my sense of fidelity was waning.
    ... and what has changed in that short month?

    How opulent have your options been since becoming single?

    I wouldn't let a blog and a bit of want of female companionship sway you from a choice I'm sure you know, in the long run was the best thing for both of you. We don't usually dump people we really and truly want to spend the rest of our monogamous life with.

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    Mmm if she goes anywhere near sites like this one, I bet everyone there is just advising her to "move on, scr*w him, block him, ignore his breadcrumbs, keep NC until he comes crawling on his knees and then kill him silently"... so I guess there it is. My advice as a dumpee would be - contact her again IF you really mean to be with her. And be prepared to work on it real hard. Don't bother if all you want is to see her and then smash her down again. On the one hand, it may be too early for you two as whatever it was that caused the break up is most probably not fixed. But on the other hand, if both of you are prepared to work on it... only the two of you can fix it.

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    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    If you're so desperately wanting to talk with her, text her again. I don't see why she has to stick her neck out for you for any kind of talk after you broke up with her. The ball is your court.

    I don't think it was a good idea of you to reach out in the first place and I think that's why you're second guessing or expecting her to show you some initiative (or indication) that she wants to talk to you too. Just approach her again if you want her so bad. Or stay away from her and don't entertain any ideas about reconciling.

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    Bronze Member Skeptic76's Avatar
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    Oh, you guys are good. So much insight! I hope she wants to work it out, but if I don’t hear back at least I can move forward knowing I was able to put my pride away and made a play to win her heart back.

    My current thinking says I will not be reaching out again if I don’t hear from her. Seems like that’s a pretty clear sign she wants to move on and it would be selfish and disruptive to BOTH of our letting go processes for me to pester. She’s not a mental game player and I will know if she wants to open a dialogue...

    In fact, I think I knew already when I posted this post. Ouch.

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    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    Dude, it's not on her to pursue a meeting with you. YOU dumped her and if you genuinely want her back, it's on you to pursue and essentially prove to her that you mean it. Right now, she has no reason to believe you and your intentions. It means you need to drop down on your knees and grovel....figuratively speaking. This is not a moment for pride and for equal communication expectations.

    Also, before you go groveling and begging, you need to think long and hard if this is really the right thing to do. You had reasons to break up. So what were they? Was it you, was it her, was it both? Is this just a lonely moment or something deeper? Realize also that YOU broke her trust in you and so it's going to be on YOU to fix that and it will take time. Once you break up, getting back together is not that simple and a lot of things need to be cleared up and work on before you can move forward. Do not expect to get back together easily and just pick up where you left off....you literally broke that. Second chance means starting over, except you both now have baggage to clear up if the relationship is going to succeed.

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    What changed in the past month that made the reasons you broke up with her become irrelevant?

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    Bronze Member Skeptic76's Avatar
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    I'm so glad I posted here. This forum never fails to illuminate matters of the heart when I'm troubled.

    I'm thinking and thinking and if I keep my logic clean and stick to facts, nothing has changed about the distance problem. And there would be no changes here for at least six years (if no surprising life changes become operable and FORCE a change.) I'm not moving and she's not moving because our kids are plugged in where they are. I also need to live relatively close to where I am due to the geography of the territory I cover for work. So between uprooting my kids and replacing a job that I love...not happening.

    As far as the lack of physical affection issue and my mind that was beginning to occasionally wander after 4.5 years of "medium distance" goes...I should have brought it up with her before pulling the trigger. Instead I just said that my sexual needs weren't being met and broke up. Poor, no, non-existent communication there. I have a feeling we probably could have come up with a solution together had she been given a chance. I was so ashamed to catch myself feeling lustful toward other women. My brain told me if I had those thoughts then certainly she deserved better and you should just go. But in retrospect maybe giving her the dignity of having the conversation might have taken some of the power out of it? At least it would have included her in whatever we chose to do. By just leaving I cut her out of the process entirely.

    In response to the two posters who inferred that I have expectations on her to take the initiative: I totally get where you're coming from. If I gave the impression that I'm sitting over here with folded arms, scowling while I look at my watch and tap my foot then that is my mistake. Rather, I reached out and we agreed that we wanted to talk. When she excused herself to attend to other business my intent was to give her some control over the situation by saying I'd wait to hear from her. Throughout our relationship, one of the things I really loved about her was her transparency, openness, lack of gamesmanship, etc. Generally speaking she says what she does and does what she says. I guess so far I have been erring on the side of not being overbearing, rather than sitting here butthurt because she hasn't called. But I can totally see what you guys are saying about demonstrating how serious I am through pursuit and pleading. Still, I think at this point I owe it to her to put some real thought into any move I make now, as I know in my heart that leaving was a rash mistake...hence this post.

    My gut-level read on this is that she's done and doesn't want/need a talk about why or what happened. It makes me sad but I'm not surprised and couldn't hold it against her. It seems selfish to me to try to win her back rather than let her heal up and move forward if that's the case. I can put myself in her shoes and imagine the "dude, just leave me alone already" feeling. Add to that the themes of "there are reasons you broke up in the first place" (but are they good reasons?) and "leave that poor woman alone" that I'm hearing in the comments and I think the answer is pretty clear even if it isn't the answer I really wanted to hear.

    That said, if she DOES ever reach out wanting to explore reconciliation of course I would be utterly honest and forthcoming and be willing to do the work it took to clear away the wreckage I created.

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    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
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    From the outside looking in, since you're too close to the situation, in my opinion, a person who doesn't communicate and try to fix problems and bails instead, doesn't care enough. Without any female companionship, you're looking to the past, and now your past is new again. I predict if you got back together, when the newness wore off, your mind would start wandering again and you'd repeat another breakup. Because past behavior is the best predictor of future behavior.

    With LDRs, if you can't close the distance in a year's time, I don't recommend them. I don't know if you met on OLD or otherwise. I know when I did OLD, I limited myself to dating within a 45 minute drive of my location. I'm sure you've learned that lesson to operate that way with future dating, although you should wait a good year of learning to live happily solo before you're ready for romance again.

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