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Thread: The seconds feel like hours; waiting to hear if my hope has any basis in reality

  1. #11
    Bronze Member Skeptic76's Avatar
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    Sage advice @andrina.

    I just came in to update that the verdict is in. She definitively said the relationship is not up for reconciliation.

  2. #12
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    That's probably a good thing.

    Remember when I wrote on your other thread to please not contact her just because you're feeling lonely and maybe sorry for yourself? Ping-ponging back and forth isn't a nice thing to do to someone. Consider how much it hurt her when you broke up with her and now you're trying to get her to take you back? That's double the hurt. Like, why would you put her through that if you're just going to change your mind a couple of weeks later?

    Please consider how your actions can potentially hurt others before you decide to follow through.

    And I have to say, this is probably the best outcome. As others have said, once you got her back and weren't lonely anymore you'd probably have broken up with her again.

  3. #13
    Bronze Member Skeptic76's Avatar
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    For sure the removal of any ambiguity is a good thing.

    Funny, acting rashly is exactly how I put myself into this mess, so your post is spot on, bolt. There is a lot for me to learn from this...some will come up in the coming months, but a propensity for hasty and impulsive decisions is readily apparent.

    As an alcoholic this is not news to me...and believe it or not I've come a long way in this regard since I got sober....but there's no denying it's time to do some inside work on this character defect of mine....

    Thanks for the tough love, dude. I mean it.

  4. #14
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    I don't think it was so rash. I'm just puzzled why your interest fizzled so quickly but perhaps it's for the best. Maybe that's the impulsiveness that you're talking about but I don't think you're impulsive - you're emotional and you still care about her and this can seem like a mirage of sorts while that love and care you feel for her is very real. Don't undermine yourself so easily.

    I didn't see either of you as playing games or being game-y or manipulative. I just wouldn't be very convinced you know what you want if I were her. You seem very nervous overall. Hopefully one day there will be someone in your future who doesn't inspire that kind of anxiety or nervousness in you where you have to second guess yourself. In the meantime, I'd put this relationship to rest, stay away from any social media or blogs belonging to her because it might cause confusion and those strong feelings to well up again. She doesn't seem to do it completely for you (you're holding back when it comes to her) and seems to have manifested in all your actions. It's time to let go.

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  6. #15
    Bronze Member Skeptic76's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Rose Mosse
    I didn't see either of you as playing games or being game-y or manipulative.
    You have a good read on her based on a few posts, I’m impressed. You’re right, she’s an emotionally mature, respectful, kind, loving person. Throughout this process there has been no arguing, manipulation, etc. Sadness? Confusion? Yes...but expressed in a healthy and direct way. That said I’m on my first full day of NC and haven’t slipped. She’s blocked on the phone and emails and I haven’t visited her blog. I don’t have social media so that parts easy, haha. Today is her eldest son’s birthday but despite being very close to them I decided to go NC with her kids too. They are not blocked and if they needed a trusted adult to talk to I would absolutely be there for them - I figure it’s just better to let them sort their feelings too and not complicate.

    My interest never truly fizzled to be honest. She was really fun to hang out with and we got along GREAT. The sex was the best of my life (when we were able to do it. But some things I sacrificed my own desires for in order to be with her and I think they just eventually caught up.
    1. The distance. On our second date she told me she intended to move about a hundred miles away and I broke it off because I wasn’t interested in long distance. But the chemistry was WILD and we couldn’t resist each other haha. Sacrifice number 1.
    2. I discovered early on she wasn’t willing to travel with me. President’s club trips I won, road trips, Hawaiian vacations....nope not interested. May sound trivial to some but never going on a single vacation together in 4.5 years was a real bummer to me. Sacrifice #2
    3. Affection: I want a lot, her not so much. She wants to sleep alone in the bed. There was an occasional head rested on the shoulder or hand on the knee but she is by NO means a cuddler and physical affection is so important to me. Her hands-off day to day ways combined with long distance made this sacrifice #3
    4. I started sacrificing my own integrity by entertaining fantasies of cheating. I never acted on them, but the fact that I kept catching myself “mentally cheating” disturbed me and made me feel ashamed of myself. Sacrifice #4

    I think it took about two months of “stewing” for me to break up. The issue I have with myself at this point is that I cut her out of the decision. I just left without giving her the dignity of an opportunity to say “I’ll work on it” OR “Sorry, that’s just how I am.”

    oh...another thing you nailed? I’m an emotional person to the nth degree, lol. Blessing and a curse. And of course I still love her and care for her...I like the way you described this state as a mirage.

    Knowing it’s over for good really helped though - today I felt some freedom from my head and I even went and treated myself to a chair massage at the mall. All is well. Even though we’re both sad right now, the truth is we exchanged gifts in this life and that’s a beautiful thing. Both of us will heal and neither of us will have a hard time meeting someone new and carrying the lessons we take from this into our next romances.

    Thank you Rose!!

  7. #16
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    That's very beautiful. I read it as an ode or a farewell and part of your healing. At some point we all have to say goodbye to a chapter of our lives that has not worked for us. There is tremendous life after the closing of a chapter. A new one will begin. You seem to know yourself very well and what you need. Trust in yourself and preserve your candor. Keep healing and growing forwards.

  8. #17
    Bronze Member Skeptic76's Avatar
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    Your last post meant the world to me. So timely. Thank you.

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