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Thread: Boundaries

  1. #1
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    Boundaries

    Hey guys! So Iím new to this section and I wanted to see what you guys thought about this! So Iím dating this guy I havenít met him in person yet but weíve been texting for about a month now. Everythingís pretty good but I just got out of an abusive relationship where I had no boundaries and I am now trying to set them with this guy but I need advice. Iíve told him that Iím taking things the slowest slow that Iíve ever taken things as I need my next one to be really good this time and I donít want to screw anything up anymore so I told him that theyíll be days where I need my space where I donít want to talk. Well when I give him the warning he says itís sad cuz heíll miss me. Ok thatís fine but then the day comes and he texts me good morning or hello! So I tell him I told you yesterday that I didnít want to talk today and youíre not listening to my request! So itís the third time he does this but just says itís cuz he misses me but Iím starting to get worried and wonder if this is something that could be very bad later one as he doesnít seem to respect what I ask of him? Am I looking at this too much should I just tell him that I donít appreciate him not respecting my boundaries then talk to him the next day or should I see this as a big red flag and cut him out of my life for good? I know Iím very cautious right now because of my past experiences and stuff but I just really like this guy and donít want to end it over a few extra text messages that might now be that serious of a problem you know? I just donít want to end up in one of THOSE relationships again!

    Thanks!!

    Mel

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    You can't supremely control what someone else does. You can control your reaction to it. Mute your entire phone and his contact on days when you want some time alone or are busy. You've given him a heads up. If he fades out of your life, that's a sign. Don't waste your energy overreacting to this. Be a minimalist.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Ok. Stop texting and meet in person. You will only attract weirdos or people in relationships with not meeting and stalling and way too much chitchat and texting. Don't play games. Try not to use techniques that attract unstable individuals.

    Online dating is an introduction to decide to meet in person. After you meet in person, you decide if you want a second date and want to continue. Online dating is not for internet therapy. Stop texting this guy. Meet or move on.
    Originally Posted by Mel20192019
    I havenít met him in person yet but weíve been texting for about a month now.
    I told him that theyíll be days where I need my space where I donít want to talk.
    I tell him I told you yesterday that I didnít want to talk today and youíre not listening to my request!

  4. #4
    Silver Member Camber 2019's Avatar
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    First of all... if you haven't actually met, then you are not dating!

    Secondly, if I was "chatting" to a woman on-line and she told me she did not want to talk to me everyday, I would stop texting.

    Thirdly, if this guy that has not even met you can't respect your (albeit controlling) request, then he may a weirdo!

    Meet someone in person, see if there is an attraction, then take things at a pace you are both comfortable with!

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    So Iím dating this guy I havenít met him in person yet
    Uhm, yes, how does one date someone if you haven't even met yet?

    Your gut is telling you something so listen to it and when you actually have the confidence to get rid of d-bags that have your spidey senses tingling, then an only then start dating again. Right now you're clearly not ready as your lack of confidence won't protect you from those you want to keep away from.

    Whatever you do... stop trying to get to know people over text. There is absolutely no way you will ever really know the real person through words on a screen.

  7. #6
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    How can you be dating someone you haven't met? Why haven't you met?

    He is not respecting your request, and has shown you this multiple times. Move on

    i suggest that you see therapy to work on your issues, and not date anyone for a long while.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    I would consider these moments of opportunity as mini tests. You've directly asked not to be contacted you yet he does anyway.

    If you were clear and he's busted your boundary over this more than once, then that would be enough for me. It seems like a clear sign of things to come.

    Remember, while working on boundaries, some times you need to be flexible. It's the difference between creating a boundary and building a wall. Sometimes you need to adjust in moment.

    Good luck. You're doing good.

  9. #8
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    First of all... if you haven't actually met, then you are not dating!


    This

  10. #9
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    Yeah another one for if you haven't even met yet, you are not dating.
    What you are doing is some really unhealthy oversharing with some dude who is willing to put up with it and that's not a compliment to him, that makes him messed up.

    Also, to answer your main question, if you've asked multiple times and he is totally disregarding your request, then YES this is an indication of things to come and you should beware of that. Also, you are just texting and he can't skip a day and already claims he misses you???!!!! That is messed up and downright creepy. This guy is a weirdo.

    The fact that you don't recognize that strangers you've never met aren't supposed to fall in love with you and miss you is why you are vulnerable to creeps, abusers, and otherwise toxic people. They can sweet talk you and tell you all kinds of nonsense and basically talk you into feeling like you are committed to them and have feelings for them when in reality you have nothing of the sort.

    You don't even have a relationship yet you are talking like you don't want to break up or throw away a good thing.....but there is no thing, you aren't dating, and this guy is YES totally trampling over your boundaries and manipulating you emotionally.

    I'm breaking your boundaries because I miss you = I don't care about your boundaries and will do with you as I please because I'm selfish like that. Does this sound good to you OP?

  11. #10
    Silver Member Camber 2019's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by DancingFool
    Yeah another one for if you haven't even met yet, you are not dating.
    What you are doing is some really unhealthy oversharing with some dude who is willing to put up with it and that's not a compliment to him, that makes him messed up.
    And.. He could be a SHE, or a little kid.... you have not met. It's like falling in love with a cartoon character.

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