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Thread: Sister in law is making me look bad

  1. #41
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    You are dealing with a highly toxic, disordered family.

    Your refusal to react was actually correct. Look up narcissistic abuse and grey rock. Grey rock is a term used for dealing with toxic people by refusing to react to their crazy behavior. They want you to react, you don't react. It's like starving them of oxygen. The idea is that eventually they'll give up and find a new target to take out their crazy on. It's sort of effective.....except for the fact that these people never stop being disordered, never really stop trying so you are always going to be living in this kind of hostile situation. It's always going to be miserable and stressful to say the least. Also, before they give up, they will escalate things in an attempt to get you to react by any means necessary. You are dealing with people who actively want to hurt you.

    Understand also, that these kinds of disorders are genetic - mother, daughter, possibly your husband and even if not him, your kids very likely will be born messed up. Your husband seems to be gaslighting you just as well. As jmann pointed out - facts are facts and when someone starts to twist that around on you, beware.

    So, you need to educate yourself about narcissism, not just the overt stereotypes, but the more dangerous covert variety. Educate yourself about the misery that it is to deal with these people and the emotional abuse you will live with at their hands and then decide if that's the life that you want to have. If not, then as others already suggested, time to quietly consult with a good divorce attorney and start making an exit plan and do not tell anyone about it. These people are vindictive and they can harm you. You can't fix this situation and you'll be lucky to get out unscathed so be sure to take serious precautions to protect yourself.

  2. #42
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    They want you to react, you don't react. It's like starving them of oxygen. The idea is that eventually they'll give up and find a new target to take out their crazy on. It's sort of effective.....except for the fact that these people never stop being disordered, n

    They won't give up. They will start talking about why she doesn't react. And if they leave HER alone, they will work on the husband to try to pry him away from her. I have been there. The dynamic only works if the husband was the black sheep of the family- totally unlike them and didn't put up with the nonsense (you both only saw them in controlled, time limited settings outside of your home or not at all - just the minimum - and he would be eager to build a life with you

  3. #43
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by abitbroken
    They want you to react, you don't react. It's like starving them of oxygen. The idea is that eventually they'll give up and find a new target to take out their crazy on. It's sort of effective.....except for the fact that these people never stop being disordered, n

    They won't give up. They will start talking about why she doesn't react. And if they leave HER alone, they will work on the husband to try to pry him away from her. I have been there. The dynamic only works if the husband was the black sheep of the family- totally unlike them and didn't put up with the nonsense (you both only saw them in controlled, time limited settings outside of your home or not at all - just the minimum - and he would be eager to build a life with you
    Yes correct. It's more of a shield against the constant barrage, but not a cure. Plus there will be escalation upon escalation as they will try to break her down. The only way is to get out, get away, stay away forever.

  4. #44
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Do you have friends/family you can trust and talk to? Were you forced to marry him through an arranged marriage? How could your family celebrate a big huge wedding with a guy who beat you up?

    My advice remains the same that you need to get the marriage annulled.:[Register to see the link]

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  6. #45
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by viv19
    So...this is what happened so far.
    I stopped driving her around, using my workload as an excuse. As a result she blocked me on facebook- Cool, I was happy abput that. I thought it was over. Nope.
    So we had a cookout yesterday (crazy as it's already cold, but most people were inside) and ofcourse Husband invited his family. First thing she does is go upstairs to my library and start pulling books out and puts them into her bag. I ask my husband as I don't want to confront her directly and he says that those were books were actually hers. Turns out that when we moved in he wanted to surprise me by adding books to my collection and aaked for hers as she doesnt read much, she gave the books to him but now she's taking them back. Okay, fine.
    I went about my business, but then my MIL starts playing our wedding video for all to see. Sweet....until she starts commenting on how at least her son looked good. I was confused as she's not usually mean to me. She went on and on "oh, you look heavier, was it the camera?" (I weight 110 pounds on a 5'4 frame, like, come on. "Oh, if my son only knew what he was gettin into..." on and on
    My friends went quiet. Everyone was quiet. I fi ally found a moment alone with my husband and expressed my concerns, he said both him mom and sister had talked to him about my behavior towards SIL and that she had cried when I blocked her on fb. Wait, what? I didn't, SHE did and the only reason I found out was because I tried to tag her on some wedding pictures (photographer just sent them this week).
    Nope, he only believes her no matter how I try to reason with him. He will not listen to me and we haven't talked or even looked at each other since last night.
    None of that surprises me. They have been enabling this girl ad nauseum which of course means that they are just as addicted to soothing her as she is needing to be soothed. Your husband's codependent relationship with his sister is now rearing its ugly head in your direction as he, of course, does not have your back when it matters. "He only believes her."

    Now is your turn to do one of two things. Learn to actually enable this disturbed little princess to be who she has become thanks to her mother and brother so that you can accommodate her whims with zero resentment or: you talk to your husband about (as catfeeder says) "whether or not (the both of you) have a place left to go" after he believed his disturbed sister over you and showed you that you are not his priority. If after your talk he doesn't show you that he is willing to have your back (when needed) then you have a decision to make about how much longer you are going to be able to live with the family knowing what the future is going to look like if you stay and try and enable and accept without resentment.

    This is far from the simple explanation that they "want you to react" IMO... This is a family that is codependent in nature who will never go to therapy to get them to change how they enable the daughter/sister. They see nothing wrong in the way she acts, steals, cries like a child and how she seeks unhealthy comfort from her brother.

    I wonder as well if this was an arranged marriage that you have found yourself in and too afraid to leave??? Your husband's disrespect by not shutting his insulting mother's narrative of your wedding video is disgusting.

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