I dont know what to do; I'm getting desperate

Sorry I posted a book

My girlfriend and I started talking to each other in June of 2018. We both worked at the same job but never really talked to each other beforehand. I had recently gone through a rough spell with a different girl and she noticed I was pretty depressed about it. At the time she was dating another guy for about 3 years already. She invited me to go grab food after work a lot and we started talking. We talked for hours and hours and she realized how unhappy she was in her relationship. For the rest of the summer we slowly fell in love with each other and would spend hours together each day just talking while also hiding our emotional connection. After about 2 months, our relationship was getting more serious and eventually she broke up with her current boyfriend. About a week later we shared a passionate first kiss and finally started dating at the end of August of 2018.

We had an amazing time. Our relationship was perfect and we talked to each other for hours and hours each night before we went to bed. A few months into the school year, I would sneak out each night and we would cuddle together on her living room couch each night until she fell asleep. I wouldn’t get home till about 3 am most nights but I couldn’t have been happier. The school year went on and we were about as close as a couple could ever be. Every free night we would sleep together on her living room couch or sometimes sneak into a bed to have a good night. We were always together and I would go to anything that she went to. She was in our high school band and also participated in many activities at the school. I would go to every single thing I possibly could with her and help her out or just watch her if I could.

After our senior year, we started preparing for college over the summer. I had been accepted to Purdue for Engineering and she was going to NIU for a double major in Art Education and Illustration, another form of art. We worked a bit more over the summer, mainly to save up some money for upcoming college. She was never good at saving money and spent most of her paychecks immediately. Most of her summer money went to 2 tattoos she got, something that I definitely would prefer that she didn’t have, but its her body and it doesn’t bother me much anymore. She also spent a good portion of money on her piercing, also something I’m not too fond of but I can live with it.

Then college started to approach. We talked about how we were going to be apart for most of the week now, but I assured her that I would come up most weekends to visit her so we could still have 2 days a week together. At the time I didn’t think much of it because I thought that everything was going to be fine. Purdue and NIU are about a 3 to 4-hour drive apart, so it’s a little bit difficult to go up and back but I was able to manage it. Because she didn’t have a car for college, and the commitments she made, she was never able to visit me, so I was the one that had to drive up to see her every time.

Purdue started a week before NIU, but my girlfriend joined NIU’s marching band, which had a band camp that started the first day of my classes. So, we both went off to start our college career. That first week went fine and about as expected. We told each other that we would facetime every night or at least call each other every night, while texting each other as much as possible. And for that first week we did. She was pretty busy with camp, but she still called me most nights and we talked. She was worried about making friends in her band and was pretty upset about it, but I told her it was all going to be fine. Then that first Friday hit. She made friends with the kids in her section (she spends the majority of her time with the 19 kids in her Tuba section, and specifically spends most of her time with like 5 of those kids) and they invited her to a party that night at the “Tuba House.” The Tuba house is a place where about 7 or of the male tuba players live year-round.

I didn’t hear from her at all that Friday and didn’t think much about it even though I was slightly upset she didn’t talk to me. The next day she told me how she had a lot of fun and drank so much that she blacked out and had to have someone take care of her the rest of the night. I, which I thought was reasonable, got pretty upset at her and told her to be careful with how much she’s drinking and why she even needs to drink in the first place. She got mad at me for worrying so much about her and told her everything is fine.

After that day, her communication became less and less frequent. She wouldn’t text me that much anymore and she would very rarely call me anymore. She spent almost all of her free time hanging out with her new tuba friends and spent most of that time at the Tuba House or at a restaurant with some of her friends. She was getting home very late most nights, like 2 or 3 am. I started to get pretty mad at her because she was completely ignoring me and giving me none of her effort while all of her attention went to her band and her friends.

When I went up for the first time, 3 weeks after my first day of classes, we stayed at her dorm that Friday night and talked a bit. She told me how that she wants to live her own life and that she thinks that I should live my own life. She suggested that I only come up once a month instead of 3 or 4 times a month. I got extremely upset with her because she was completely throwing out all of our plans that we made in the summer. I told her how I was upset at her as to how little effort she was giving to me compared to all of her friends. I was lucky if I got 2 phone calls a week, and only received maybe 5 or so text messages a day (unless we were fighting or something), and it would take her hours to respond, even though she was on her phone 24/7. I told her how it was unfair that all of her band friends and roommates to spend 16 hours a day with her 5 days a week, and she wasn’t even willing to spend the weekends with me. She insisted that she wants to live her own life and that I should live my own. She told me how I cant revolve my entire life around her and that it was unhealthy to be thinking about her this much and driving up as much as I wanted to. A few hours into the conversation we settled down and promised each other that everything would be ok. She agreed that she was doing a very poor job managing her time and giving me effort, and I told her that I don’t have to come up every weekend, maybe only twice a month.

A few weeks went by and not much changed. She was still out late almost every night with her band friends and drinking quite a bit, something expected in college, I guess I’m just not that type of person. I tried to make an effort not to get mad at her about it that much anymore about her ignoring me and staying out so late every night. Things were ok for a while, she still wouldn’t call me that much, but when she did, we would talk for a while and catch up. I came up another weekend and I stayed the night at her dorm that Friday night and we slept at her parent’s house in the basement that Saturday night. Not much happened and we enjoyed our time out together and went back to our own separate lives that Monday.

Then one night in the middle of September we got in another fight. She was mad that I was still worrying so much about her. I wasn’t yelling at her anymore and I stopped trying to restrict anything she did, because I understand that was horrible of me and controlling so I stopped doing that entirely, but she believed that I was still way too worried about herself. The next night she texted me around 5 am drunk because I was worried about her. She hadn’t answered my texts for like 7 hours and I was genuinely worried something happened to her. At 5 am that night she ensured me that everything was ok and actually was telling me she was sorry about the state of our relationship. She told me that if she could, she would redo everything and go to Purdue with me because being apart so much was so hard. I told her that that’s not possible, but everything will be fine, we just have to work together.

Even though in the next couple of days things seemed normal and getting better, she texted me one night saying how she is worried how this relationship is going to last. She was telling me how she doesn’t know if she can do this for 5 years straight (she’s on a 5 year plan) and that she doesn’t think we should stay together anymore because of that. I did everything I could to promise her that everything was going to be alright, she just has to trust me, and I have to trust her. I told her how I can still see her 2 or 3 weekends a month, how during breaks like thanksgiving, Christmas, and spring break, I get to spend the entire time with her, and how during the summer everything would go back to normal and we will cherish every second together. In reality we would only be apart about half of the days of the years and I promised her that we don’t have to force this to be a long distance relationship, rather a relationship that we are apart for a week or two at a time then we get to see each other. I told her how I will be able to graduate in 3 years and that after I graduate, I will get a job in Chicago somewhere so I can begin to get experience before my masters degree, and that I would get an apartment with her somewhere close to her campus and we can live together, then once she graduates, we begin a new chapter of our lives together. I told her how after our freshman years I will get an apartment that summer and she can live with me until the school year starts, and she can even come visit me couple times during the breaks we get, and over each summer. I promised her everything was going to be ok, that we just have to put effort into our relationship, because it’s not as easy as it was before. Apparently, she didn’t believe me, and she wasn’t willing to put in the effort. She called me for about a minute and told me it was over.

Obviously, I was pissed. I didn’t get too mad at her; I was just asking for a reason. She told me she made up her mind and that it was done. For some reason I wasn’t hit with grief or anything, I just brushed it off like it wasn’t a big deal, even though it was the worst thing that could happen to me. A couple hours later she texted me again. She agreed that she overreacted a bit and that we don’t have to break up, but we certainly need a break, at least a small reprieve from each other. I agreed, or more along the lines had to agree. We agreed to not talk that much for a few weeks, maybe just once or twice a day. So I did.

Things went on like this for a week or two. We slowly started texting each other more and I made sure that I wasn’t controlling anymore. I worked on becoming a new person and not judging everything she did. I thought everything seemed fine, and that we were getting better. We planned on her driving my car down to Purdue for the weekend and spending time with me, but we couldn’t work that out, but it was ok. Everything seemed normal until one day she stopped texting me that much anymore and stopped replying that she loved me. I was worried but didn’t react to her about it. Then a couple days later she finally told me that she wanted to talk to me. She explained how she doesn’t think her heart is in the right place and that I should move on. She told me that I shouldn’t be hung up on her and to just move on like we never met. She never answered any of my calls, just on a random Monday night she officially broke up with me over text.

Obviously, I was mad, I just didn’t understand her anymore. I stopped talking to her, and finally realized that things were over. It killed me. I tried to not let it show to anyone, but inside she was the only thing I ever thought about. I was always thinking about what I did wrong, and why it happened, and how much I missed her. It was 4 weeks since I last saw her, and I was distraught. That week before she had been going to quite a few frat parties, the kind where its just a bunch of drinking and grinding. I was worried for her, but very lightly told her about it, because I didn’t want to judge her about it. I talked to a couple of her band friends about her after we broke up and learned what I think happened.

This is totally my opinion, but I think this is what happened. For the past few weeks before we broke up, she had stopped hanging out with her band friends that much and started talking to and hanging out with her roommates a lot more. Her roommates are not that great of an influence on her and the band friends I talked to agreed. Her roommates are heavily into weed and going to big frat parties, something that her band friends and herself originally aren’t. For a while she went to a few parties with them and got drunk, but eventually she told me she got bored of them and stopped going to them but continued to spend a lot more time with her roommates than her band friends. She told me that she talked to her roommates about our relationship, and obviously what they said had a great factor on her decision to break up with me. I’m not sure what happened, but her roommates saw me in a pretty negative way, whether it be because they think I was controlling her or still am, or because they thought that she should not be in a relationship in college so that she can go out and explore more. I don’t know, but I’m almost positive that they are the reason she broke up with me.

I talked to her parents about what happened, and they agree that she is going through some sort of phase right now. They think that she is just enjoying life as much as she wants and is ignoring the effect it has on the people that care about her and want the best for her. We agreed that she just needs to be left alone for a month or two, and maybe when the semester ends, she will be burnt out, and consider our relationship again. Her parents told me that I shouldn’t wait for her and that I should move on with my life, and a lot of other people agree with that, and on the surface, I do agree with that, but I couldn’t do that. I know who she is and deep down she is an amazing person. She is definitely going through a phase right now.

I told myself that she needs some time, so for a week I didn’t contact her, but because I am a stupid , I started talking to her again, and way too much. I didn’t give her much room and kind of forced things a bit. I told her that we should go out for dinner just to catch up, but I was texting her way too much, like every day and now I realize I shouldn’t have done that. During dinner we talked for a while about our future and career and stuff like that, but she ended it early because she said she had some homework to do. So I dropped her off at her dorm again, and that was the last time I have seen her.

Later, she texted me again, reminding me that we broke up. I told her I know, I was just trying to keep a friendly relationship, but I was talking to her way too much. She was mad I was talking to her parents about us and she thought that I was bad mouthing her behind her back to them. In reality, I did kind of make her seem like the bad guy, but her parents agree she was going insane, but we agreed not to do anything about it, just to leave her alone to live her own life. I didn’t want to control her and still wanted the best for her. After a brief texting fight, I finally told her how I felt about this relationship. I told her how I was mad at her about what she did, and that I just didn’t understand the reasoning behind it, she never gave the relationship a chance and never gave it any effort. I said how her roommates are “piece of degenerates” that convinced her to break up with me and how everything would have been fine if she just gave me a shred of respect. I said that we just need a break from each other. How we need to not speak to each other at all for 2 months or so until thanksgiving or Christmas break because right now both of our minds are all messed up and we aren’t thinking straight. I asked her to at least consider doing that and if she still doesn’t want anything to do with me after that then we move on, but for right now we just need to cool down. She agreed, but said she was fairly certain her mind was made up. I told her I loved her and said hopefully Ill see her again in a couple months and we said bye to each other.

For two weeks, we were silent to each other. I still checked up on her a lot, looking at her snap map a lot (I know its creepy but I’m weird sorry), but other than that we didn’t talk to each other. She wasn’t really going to parties anymore, even the docile ones with her band friends, and still spent most of her time with her roommates and in her dorm. I texted her about two weeks after we split, just wondering how everything was going, and just got a couple of simple responses, but they were friendly at least so I left it at that.

I understand that we that we are broken up. It was her decision and we didn’t agree on it, but we still split up. I still do not understand the reasoning behind her decisions or her motives. She briefly told me how she does not love me the same anymore, but at the same time, I don’t really believe her, considering she told me that because we hadn’t seen each other for almost a month. She told me that she still loved me, but that she does not see how this relationship can continue like this. I did not agree with her. I knew that we went through a rough month together and that I messed up during that month, but I promised her that I was fixing it, and things were getting better. She still never budged. She never wanted to spend time with me anymore, and everything was still about her friends at school. Her classes weren’t even an issue, she was spending more time out than at classes, but that didn’t bother me anymore. What bothered me was when she had nothing planned and was just sitting at home, and she still didn’t want to plan or do anything with me. As the weeks passed, she just became more and more distant. I thought that we could work things out after I realized my mistakes and told her I was going to fix them, and she seemed willing to do that. It seemed like she was willing to at least try, but then she started to hang out with her roommates more and more. I completely believe that it was them that convinced her to break up with me, for whatever reason they came up with.

I realize the position I am in right now. I am a brand-new college student that came into college with a high school relationship where both of us are going to different colleges. They never work out, but I thought that we would be fine, and I was willing to try and make and work, and was completely happy with the situation, but she wasn’t. She wanted her own college life, and with me in it, it was just too much work for her, so she dropped her lowest priority, and that was me. That’s where I’m most mad at her. I can not even begin to understand what happened to her at college. I never would have predicted that this would happen. Before we both left for college, we were so happy. We spent every day together, and we promised each other that we would be together. That college was just going to be a bump, but we will still get to see each other. But the moment she stepped foot on that campus she changed completely. She changed into a girl that I have never met before. One that doesn’t care about anyone else unless it is one of her friends, because by god if she could ever lose any of her social status at that school. She was worried I was getting in the way of her newfound clout, so she dumped me in the process. I am the person that cares about her most in the world. I only want the best for her, and I just want her to be happy, but she doesn’t care right now.

I have no idea if she is just going through a phase right now or if this is going to last 5 years. I hope to god this is an only first semester sort of thing, but I have no idea. I am not sure that once she comes home for Christmas break, she will calm down and go back to normal now that she is surrounded by her family again, and away from that school.

This is where I am asking for help. I know I am stupid, but I don’t want to lose her. Everyone I talk to, even her parents, told me just to move on because she is treating me like , but I can’t do that. I know who she is. I know what its like to spend time with her. I’ve never felt more comfortable and loved than I do when I am with her. When we were apart, we separated emotionally too. We didn’t have that same love or connection, but even after separating emotionally, when I went up to visit her on the weekends, we felt perfect together. We were so happy, but when I had to go back to school, we grew apart again, and that one time when we spent so long apart, she finally snapped with the help of her roommates.

I can’t live without her. I know I am being stupid, but I am beat up right now because of her, and it just keeps getting worse. I spend more and more time just thinking about her, where I went wrong, and how I can fix it, sitting in bed thinking. She’s like a parasite in my head that just keeps getting worse. I know that we are perfect together, I know that we are soulmates. Yeah, its cliché, but I know its true. I know how perfect we feel when we are with each other, but we handled the breaks away from each other so horribly. I barely go out and am having such a huge problem making new friends here because I keep beating myself up. I don’t want to move on, I really don’t, I just need help how to fix this. When I felt like everything was good between us, I was so happy. I was able to concentrate on my classes and talk to new people. But when we fought, or now that we broke up, it’s just getting so much worse.

I must give her time and space. Without it I keep overloading her, I have realized that. After we last went out to eat after we broke up I told her that we shouldn’t talk for a while, we both just need to cool down, and I hope that during Christmas break when she’s home and off campus we can try and work things out (I realized that when we were dating and I was able to get her off campus, she was a lot warmer to me and much more loving, but when we stayed on her campus and in her dorm she was much colder to me and not loving, especially sexually, even when we were alone, but when I took her off campus whether that be back home or whatever, she was much more comfortable with me and much more loving.) I am going to slightly stay in contact with her just so that we don’t completely drift apart, just friendly chats once or twice a week asking what’s up or making sure everything is ok, but I want to give her space. That was a huge mistake I made previously, not giving her space. Once thanksgiving break comes (in like a month), ill ask if she want to go get dinner after she’s been home for a few days, and then hopefully 2 weeks later when Christmas break starts, we can build a connection again. I know I must be slow and gentle, but I want to show her I am a new person and that our relationship is not the same anymore, but that we can still love each other again like before.

She said she probably made up her mind, but I just need to hope that after she cools down and comes home things will change and be slightly back to normal. I need things to work out, because I am just getting worse and worse. I never thought that a relationship as close as our could fail like it did, and I know that it can be fixed, I just have to make sure I don’t mess up again. I need help. I know most people will say move on, but I really can't. I know she still loves me, and I still love her, but she is going through something right now at her college. Is there anyway I can fix it, and is it possible to work things out this Christmas break. I need any help I can get before I lose my mind any more than I already have.

I think you should just enjoy your singlehood while you're at Purdue and find like minded chicas that you can be with without all this angst and trying to make it work.

If you and your ex are meant to be then when you graduate, you will find one another again. There is too much going on and too much that can go on when you are in Uni to be worried about having a steady girlfriend. Few relationships that started before college survive the college years so you situation isn't unique.

I'm sorry you're hurting. Do yourself a favor and go zero contact so you can cleanse her from your system long enough to enjoy your own singlehood where the opportunities are abundant and the need for serious relationships isn't so intense. Who knows, you may even meet a cool chick in your Engineering course and end up together and forming your own firm together? ;)

Feel better soon... and keeping in low contact with her is the worse thing you can do. Give her the gift of missing you and wondering where you got to. If you stop chasing she MAY (don't hope/count on it) just stop and turn to see where you are.

I'm sorry you're in so much pain, OP.

What happened is that she outgrew the relationship. I am sure she loves you in the sense that she wants the best for you, but she doesn't feel the same way she once did. She has lost interest, and it sometimes really can't be fixed. It isn't something you can fix on your own, anyway. She has to want it too, and at this time, she doesn't. It's not what you want to hear, I know.

Staying in touch and trying to reconcile over Christmas isn't realistic, my friend. She is too young and has too much growing and exploring to do before she would be able to commit to you, especially as a long-distance. Maybe after considerable time and space apart, and I'm talking months, if not years, you two could perhaps find each other again. Now just isn't the time.

Sorry to hear this. My advice remains the same given this extended info: https://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=561529&p=7159361&viewfull=1#post7159361