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Thread: Called things quits and now he's with another and I regret EVERYTHING

  1. #11
    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    This is how many people feel after someone shows signs of moving on. I know you don't want to be reduced to a statistic, but there is some humility in seeing the big picture, and humility is our best friend. It's also very attractive, so cultivating it right now is a total win.

    It's basic human nature, this. I go to the candy story just as its about to close, and can't decide between the gummy bears or M&Ms. I choose M&Ms, feeling good. But as the car leaves and the store shutters, and I open up the bag, I think: "Ugh—I really wanted the gummy bears." We all want what we can't have.

    When he was "borderline obsessed" with you, and with you, your interest in him was thin, the relationship was rocky, and you bounced. Now he is exploring something new, and you want to spend the rest of your life with him? To which you may be thinking: I know, I know how it looks, but it's different.

    If it is, then you have to have real faith in that. You can't try to manipulate him. You give it space, and stay open, for yourself—because that's your truth, not a reward you need to validate a truth. In terms of the chances? You can't even think along those lines. That's for blackjack, not human connection.

    And as you hold that space? Maybe try to reflect, with some clear eyes, on the two years with him. You say they were rocky. It generally takes more than someone feeling burned learning their ex is kissing someone else to smooth over those rocks. Rocks don't get burned away, after all. Fire doesn't really touch them.
    I understand this and thank you for your input. It's just he doesn't look at all look like he's moved on, like he was so loud about our relationship and this one he's hiding and he still has pictures of us up so I thought I had a chance, What do you think about them and their relationship? does it sound like it'll last being that it's so new and obviously a rebound right??

  2. #12
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    It seems as though you think you should have seniority over the new girl given the length of your relationship with your ex.

    No one knows how long their relationship will last. Outside interference may certainly put a damper on it. Don’t you want your ex to be happy?

  3. #13
    Originally Posted by Leah33
    It seems as though you think you should have seniority over the new girl given the length of your relationship with your ex.

    No one knows how long their relationship will last. Outside interference may certainly put a damper on it. Don’t you want your ex to be happy?
    I do want him happy, I want nothing more than for him to be happy...But I want to be the one to give him the world, and I know I can because I love everything about him and I never want him to be sad ever again.

  4. #14
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by sadandlow
    What do you think about them and their relationship? does it sound like it'll last being that it's so new and obviously a rebound right??
    I don't have a single thought about it. If he wants to come on here, share some details, I'll offer some observations back. But since you're here, all I can offer is observations about you, your thoughts and feelings, and how you're reacting to them.

    I'll say this, for what it's worth. I've wanted to get back together with people I've broken up with, or been broken up with—one very badly, for a long time. We were together for years—smooth, good years—and I really cherished her. But she had itches to scratch, feelings to feel, and couldn't walk that path with me. Held that open space for a while, best I could, as long as I could. Didn't try to poke into her through IG, or get in her way. We didn't get back together, but I consider that whole chapter in my life a win. I'm a better person for having known her, and shared space with her. Great times, great lessons.

    Another story? I briefly dated someone who was pretty hot/cold—a rocky thing: good chemistry here, toxic chemistry there. Kind of just the way we "worked." When she heard I was seeing someone new she kind of freaked, wrote me a lot of compelling stuff about how she could have done x, how she was struggling with y, and how she was now ready to get real. I told her I appreciated the words, sincerely wished her the best, but that I was focused on a new connection, and new connection with myself. She didn't respect that—the only person I've ever "blocked" in my life—and the truth is that the less she respected what I said the less I believed she really meant what she did.

    Do you think he's a good person? If so, treat him like one, which means letting him live his life as he sees fit. If in doing that you end up back together, it will feel genuine. If you push and meddle, it likely won't. I know it's hard, and I'm sorry for your hurt, but that's my most honest advice, observing you and looking out for your best interests, best I can.

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  6. #15
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    Unless you've both addressed the issues which caused you to break up in the first place, it would just be a matter of time before you broke up again - though probably more quickly next time.

    It's significant that you started to experience your intense feelings of love for him only after you found out that he was with someone else; he suddenly became more desirable when it looked as though you couldn't have him. This is not good for a prospective relationship either.

    As to why she's OK with him helping you... perhaps she's a kind, trusting person who's concerned that someone else is in pain. Perhaps that's why he doesn't want to cheat on her; even if he isn't totally in love with her, he's sufficiently positive about his new relationship to think it's worth pursuing.

    For your own sanity, leave them alone. If you continue to pursue him, you risk rejection and having your hopes raised - only to be dashed again. This will be awful for your self-esteem. If he does decide to rekindle things with you, you'd likely get fed up again, and you'd just be back in the rocky relationship.

    Take a bit of time out from dating, learn to self-soothe and become more self-reliant. This will enable you to be more selective about who you get involved with, and find it easier to walk away from relationships which are causing you pain. And, by the way, obsession isn't love. It's just obsession.

  7. #16
    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    I don't have a single thought about it. If he wants to come on here, share some details, I'll offer some observations back. But since you're here, all I can offer is observations about you, your thoughts and feelings, and how you're reacting to them.

    I'll say this, for what it's worth. I've wanted to get back together with people I've broken up with, or been broken up with—one very badly, for a long time. We were together for years—smooth, good years—and I really cherished her. But she had itches to scratch, feelings to feel, and couldn't walk that path with me. Held that open space for a while, best I could, as long as I could. Didn't try to poke into her through IG, or get in her way. We didn't get back together, but I consider that whole chapter in my life a win. I'm a better person for having known her, and shared space with her. Great times, great lessons.

    Another story? I briefly dated someone who was pretty hot/cold—a rocky thing: good chemistry here, toxic chemistry there. Kind of just the way we "worked." When she heard I was seeing someone new she kind of freaked, wrote me a lot of compelling stuff about how she could have done x, how she was struggling with y, and how she was now ready to get real. I told her I appreciated the words, sincerely wished her the best, but that I was focused on a new connection, and new connection with myself. She didn't respect that—the only person I've ever "blocked" in my life—and the truth is that the less she respected what I said the less I believed she really meant what she did.

    Do you think he's a good person? If so, treat him like one, which means letting him live his life as he sees fit. If in doing that you end up back together, it will feel genuine. If you push and meddle, it likely won't. I know it's hard, and I'm sorry for your hurt, but that's my most honest advice, observing you and looking out for your best interests, best I can.
    Wow, you really came for me in that second scenario lol, thank you for your input. It's true I should just leave him alone for him to figure this all out. It's just hard and I know that one day I won't be able to be in this much contact with him and right now it's just really hard. I'm trying to keep faith that if there was truly something there he will come back to me and we can live that happy life together that I so desperately want. I hope that in this case that he is different from you in the fact that he'd want to reconcile after hearing my side and I truly would hate to get blocked lol. With that being said I can't speak on his behalf of what he truly thinks about me and maybe you know much better than what my little heart could hope for...anyways thanks again!

  8. #17
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    I'm trying to keep faith that if there was truly something there he will come back to me and we can live that happy life together that I so desperately want.
    That desire for a strong connection is so human, so universal...

    However, you were with him for two years and it was a rocky relationship, not the happy life together you now envisage. It doesn't sound as though either of you has addressed the issues which made it rocky - and that's exactly what you'd go back to.

  9. #18
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    I'm not coming for you, rest assured. I'm on your side. I know how you feel, in ways, and I don't doubt the reality of you feelings. I'm trying to give you a little perspective on how to react to all that—to reflect and self-soothe, per the great post by nutbrownhare, rather than to make your soothing all about him ending his relationship and choosing you.

    I'll come at myself, to even the scales: My last longterm relationship had a quiet dynamic: I was lukewarm, while she burned a bit hotter. Which had its pluses, as you can imagine. Well, then she got chilly, even nasty. My reaction? Never had I cared for her as I cared for her then, and I went to true war to see if I could patch every whole in the foundation. A few times during that awful stretch she voiced to me: "You only want me because I'm drifting away..."

    She was probably right. I cared for her, deeply, and spent years of my life with her. Still, those years were not fueled by a stable dynamic, and I think my initial reaction, past all the big hopes, was as much a human reaction to a punch in the gut (and ego) as it was a lick to the heart. We didn't work. Those three words, at the end of the day, were the truest story—very sad, but very true.

    My stories aren't yours. You'll write yours as you need to. Just trying to help you find the words, so to speak, so when you look back at the pages you're happy with what you put down on them.

  10. #19
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    Originally Posted by sadandlow
    I do want him happy, I want nothing more than for him to be happy...But I want to be the one to give him the world, and I know I can because I love everything about him and I never want him to be sad ever again.
    I feel for you.

    In my early twenties I had a wonderful relationship with a man that simply ended due to our young age. He too dated someone a month or so after we parted and I felt that sense of urgency you describe.

    The path I chose was not interfere and respect his new relationship.

    You will either indulge the urgency or step back and let it dissolve.

  11. #20
    Platinum Member figureitout23's Avatar
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    So just gonna take a wild stab in the dark based on the obvious similarities that you posted as flowerchild.

    I’m going to guess you were curious what the advise would be for her

    Look, I’m going to level with you, you’re getting some very very good advice, but to put it bluntly you’re allowing your ego and well lack of maturity really run the show here.

    It’s kinda obvious you arent internalizing what’s being said and are just seeking reassurance.

    You lost a guy you describe as obsessed with you to another girl.

    Except...you didn’t lose him, you left him, and instead of pinning for you from afar he either truly moved on or is ‘moving on’ to get you back by making you jealous, in other words the shoe is on the other foot and you’re now obsessed with him.

    Honey this is the oldest formula in the book. They actually write books about it.

    He may very well not be over you, she may very well be a rebound.

    But I can GUARANTEE your sudden clarity, is known as the green eyed monster, that’s it, that’s all and once you get him and the monster is fed, you won’t want him anymore. If you truly cared for him you’d put your ego aside, but it’s not about that so I’m assuming you will continue....

    I wish you luck, I hope you grow from this because it will get messy.

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