Facebook share
LinkedIn share
Google plus share
Twitter plus share
Give Advice
Ask For Advice
Page 1 of 3 123 LastLast
Results 1 to 10 of 26

Thread: Do I Define the Relationship?

  1. #1

    Do I Define the Relationship?

    For about a month I've been consistently hanging out with a guy, we'll call him Ryan, almost daily. When we first started talking we both agreed it was casual and we more or less just watch movies and make each other dinners at his place, albeit it feels more romantic.

    But, I find I have caught feelings for Ryan and I don't know if I should ask what he wants out of this now or not. We're affectionate and I've stayed the night more than once, but I've never tried anything 'casual' before so maybe that's normal?

    There's another guy I was interested in before this, let's call him Nick, that has recently surfaced and wants to start hanging out, too. I don't want to screw up anything potential with Ryan by hanging out with Nick if Ryan considers this more than casual at this point, and I don't want to blow Nick off if Ryan doesn't want a relationship after all. And I'm too chicken to come out and ask straight up in fear of rejection.

    Do I DTR with Ryan, who I get along with incredibly well and we have a ton in common, or do I explore things with Nick, who may or may not want to be more exclusive off the bat?

    Sincerely,
    A girl lost and confused in uncharted territory.

  2. #2
    You can do two things. One, It seems like you like Ryan more. Have a conversation with Ryan and tell him you want to be exclusive and if he doesnít feel the same way then break it off. Donít take long because you donít want him to get too comfortable. Unless youíre ok with being casual but it doesnít work for us girls because weíre emotional. Youíre just going to get your feelings hurt. The second option is to date both

  3. #3
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2013
    Location
    Wilds of Texas
    Posts
    9,984
    Gender
    Female
    The thing with rejection is that you have nothing to lose and everything to gain. Meaning that you don't have a relationship with Ryan, only a confusing limbo situation and the longer it goes on, the more likely you'll get hurt. Never ever be afraid to be clear about what you want. If you ask, then either he'll be feeling the same and you'll have what you want, or he'll reiterate that he is only into the casual deal which will free you to pursue better options.

    In general, when a guy tells you what he wants, believe him, especially when it's not what you want to hear. He is telling you the truth. If you are not interested in what he offers, just keep on moving on until you meet a guy you like who does offer what you want. If you agreed to something and changed your mind, then speak up because life is way way way too short to be wasted on hoping someone will come around. Most people do not.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member j.man's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2008
    Posts
    10,468
    Originally Posted by Hannah0402
    For about a month I've been consistently hanging out with a guy, we'll call him Ryan, almost daily. When we first started talking we both agreed it was casual and we more or less just watch movies and make each other dinners at his place, albeit it feels more romantic.

    But, I find I have caught feelings for Ryan and I don't know if I should ask what he wants out of this now or not. We're affectionate and I've stayed the night more than once, but I've never tried anything 'casual' before so maybe that's normal?

    There's another guy I was interested in before this, let's call him Nick, that has recently surfaced and wants to start hanging out, too. I don't want to screw up anything potential with Ryan by hanging out with Nick if Ryan considers this more than casual at this point, and I don't want to blow Nick off if Ryan doesn't want a relationship after all. And I'm too chicken to come out and ask straight up in fear of rejection.

    Do I DTR with Ryan, who I get along with incredibly well and we have a ton in common, or do I explore things with Nick, who may or may not want to be more exclusive off the bat?

    Sincerely,
    A girl lost and confused in uncharted territory.
    You already defined it.

  5.  

  6. #5
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Nov 2008
    Posts
    24,221
    Gender
    Female
    You have agreed to Netflix and chill. You are not going on dates. You are free to go out with someone else -but i caution you. Don't "hang out" with Nick unless "hanging out" means strolling at the fall festival and then lingering at a coffee shop. No going to his place. You only agree to something that is a casual date type thing. You should not accept being the hang out girl. you have "caught feelings" for Ryan because you slept with him. That's it. So don't sleep with him going forward. and go out with this Nick guy if you want to, but don't "hang out" if you know what i mean

  7. #6
    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2015
    Location
    central Florida
    Posts
    3,643
    Gender
    Female
    I don't understand how casual can be getting together daily. You might as well be married, LOL. For one thing, when you first start getting to know someone, I wouldn't go beyond seeing each other a few times a week. You need to keep up with hanging out with girlfriends/hobbies and interests/solo time, and of course your job and continuing education, if those things are included in your life.

    Daily is too much, too soon. Don't let someone take you for granted. Let a person miss you, and look forward to that special time in between your normal lives outside of dating.

    Well, casual means that you two are free to date or hang out with anybody of the opposite sex, so your logic is messed up. And your fear of rejection is allowing you to live a life of sacrifice, letting someone else get what he wants regardless of your feelings and what you want. This screams of your low self worth.

    How about this? You know him well enough now that you'd like to become exclusive, and if that's not what he wants, you're wasting your time and letting someone use you for his own desires while he's free to be intimate with another woman if he wants to.

    Get a spine and do what's best for yourself. You will have your answer as soon as you ask, instead of being kept in limbo, because a person who's not on the same page isn't right for you, no matter how cute and sexy he is. As you can see, there are plenty other attractive fish in the sea who might be compatible with what you want.

    Don't mention the other guy. Just say something like, "I've enjoyed all the time we've spent together, and I'm not really interested in dating anyone else." And then listen to what he says and if the discussion can lead to exclusivity. If not, don't let someone else be the driver of your life. You're in charge of yourself, so be strong enough to walk away, no matter how upsetting. Good luck and let us know how it goes.

  8. 10-21-2019, 12:11 PM

  9. #7
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2016
    Location
    Cloud Nine
    Posts
    35,362
    Gender
    Male
    What is it you wish to have with guy one or guy two? Casual hangouts? Casual sex? It sounds like you are not really dating either of them. After hanging out for less than 30 days in a nebulous situation there is nothing to "define" with guy one. Especially if you want to explore things with guy two.
    Originally Posted by Hannah0402
    For about a month I've been consistently hanging out with a guy. I've stayed the night more than once, but I've never tried anything 'casual'

    There's another guy I was interested in before this, that has recently surfaced and wants to start hanging out, too.

  10. 10-21-2019, 12:16 PM

  11. #8
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2016
    Posts
    5,764
    You need to ask.

    If you can't ask straight out, than perhaps you're not ready for any kind of relationship.
    You should be confident enough to just ask him if he would like to have a relationship with you or not.

    No point in guessing. If you want it to be a relationship, then so say. You have as much right to what you want as he does.

  12. #9
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2019
    Location
    British Columbia, Canada
    Posts
    2,613
    Gender
    Female
    Most people don't take it well that you're entertaining ideas of seeing someone else unless there's some prior understanding or you know each other better. I wouldn't speak about this with Ryan at all.

    Make up your mind on your own whether Ryan is worth spending more time with and if he is, spend time exclusively with him and explain at some point you're not interested in dating casually and are looking for a more serious relationship. This way you've now altered the framework of your dating and you're checking off what you need to feel fulfilled if dating casually is not for you.

    Nick is a distraction, if anything, and a catalyst for you in making up your mind in what you want ultimately instead of floating around like a dandelion. Nothing wrong with floating around where the wind blows but as you can see, by doing so, you're easily confused.

  13. #10
    Completely understand and agree.

Page 1 of 3 123 LastLast

Give Advice
Ask For Advice

Tags for this Thread

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •