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Do I Define the Relationship?


Hannah0402

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For about a month I've been consistently hanging out with a guy, we'll call him Ryan, almost daily. When we first started talking we both agreed it was casual and we more or less just watch movies and make each other dinners at his place, albeit it feels more romantic.

 

But, I find I have caught feelings for Ryan and I don't know if I should ask what he wants out of this now or not. We're affectionate and I've stayed the night more than once, but I've never tried anything 'casual' before so maybe that's normal?

 

There's another guy I was interested in before this, let's call him Nick, that has recently surfaced and wants to start hanging out, too. I don't want to screw up anything potential with Ryan by hanging out with Nick if Ryan considers this more than casual at this point, and I don't want to blow Nick off if Ryan doesn't want a relationship after all. And I'm too chicken to come out and ask straight up in fear of rejection.

 

Do I DTR with Ryan, who I get along with incredibly well and we have a ton in common, or do I explore things with Nick, who may or may not want to be more exclusive off the bat?

 

Sincerely,

A girl lost and confused in uncharted territory.

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You can do two things. One, It seems like you like Ryan more. Have a conversation with Ryan and tell him you want to be exclusive and if he doesn’t feel the same way then break it off. Don’t take long because you don’t want him to get too comfortable. Unless you’re ok with being casual but it doesn’t work for us girls because we’re emotional. You’re just going to get your feelings hurt. The second option is to date both

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The thing with rejection is that you have nothing to lose and everything to gain. Meaning that you don't have a relationship with Ryan, only a confusing limbo situation and the longer it goes on, the more likely you'll get hurt. Never ever be afraid to be clear about what you want. If you ask, then either he'll be feeling the same and you'll have what you want, or he'll reiterate that he is only into the casual deal which will free you to pursue better options.

 

In general, when a guy tells you what he wants, believe him, especially when it's not what you want to hear. He is telling you the truth. If you are not interested in what he offers, just keep on moving on until you meet a guy you like who does offer what you want. If you agreed to something and changed your mind, then speak up because life is way way way too short to be wasted on hoping someone will come around. Most people do not.

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For about a month I've been consistently hanging out with a guy, we'll call him Ryan, almost daily. When we first started talking we both agreed it was casual and we more or less just watch movies and make each other dinners at his place, albeit it feels more romantic.

 

But, I find I have caught feelings for Ryan and I don't know if I should ask what he wants out of this now or not. We're affectionate and I've stayed the night more than once, but I've never tried anything 'casual' before so maybe that's normal?

 

There's another guy I was interested in before this, let's call him Nick, that has recently surfaced and wants to start hanging out, too. I don't want to screw up anything potential with Ryan by hanging out with Nick if Ryan considers this more than casual at this point, and I don't want to blow Nick off if Ryan doesn't want a relationship after all. And I'm too chicken to come out and ask straight up in fear of rejection.

 

Do I DTR with Ryan, who I get along with incredibly well and we have a ton in common, or do I explore things with Nick, who may or may not want to be more exclusive off the bat?

 

Sincerely,

A girl lost and confused in uncharted territory.

You already defined it.
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You have agreed to Netflix and chill. You are not going on dates. You are free to go out with someone else -but i caution you. Don't "hang out" with Nick unless "hanging out" means strolling at the fall festival and then lingering at a coffee shop. No going to his place. You only agree to something that is a casual date type thing. You should not accept being the hang out girl. you have "caught feelings" for Ryan because you slept with him. That's it. So don't sleep with him going forward. and go out with this Nick guy if you want to, but don't "hang out" if you know what i mean

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I don't understand how casual can be getting together daily. You might as well be married, LOL. For one thing, when you first start getting to know someone, I wouldn't go beyond seeing each other a few times a week. You need to keep up with hanging out with girlfriends/hobbies and interests/solo time, and of course your job and continuing education, if those things are included in your life.

 

Daily is too much, too soon. Don't let someone take you for granted. Let a person miss you, and look forward to that special time in between your normal lives outside of dating.

 

Well, casual means that you two are free to date or hang out with anybody of the opposite sex, so your logic is messed up. And your fear of rejection is allowing you to live a life of sacrifice, letting someone else get what he wants regardless of your feelings and what you want. This screams of your low self worth.

 

How about this? You know him well enough now that you'd like to become exclusive, and if that's not what he wants, you're wasting your time and letting someone use you for his own desires while he's free to be intimate with another woman if he wants to.

 

Get a spine and do what's best for yourself. You will have your answer as soon as you ask, instead of being kept in limbo, because a person who's not on the same page isn't right for you, no matter how cute and sexy he is. As you can see, there are plenty other attractive fish in the sea who might be compatible with what you want.

 

Don't mention the other guy. Just say something like, "I've enjoyed all the time we've spent together, and I'm not really interested in dating anyone else." And then listen to what he says and if the discussion can lead to exclusivity. If not, don't let someone else be the driver of your life. You're in charge of yourself, so be strong enough to walk away, no matter how upsetting. Good luck and let us know how it goes.

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What is it you wish to have with guy one or guy two? Casual hangouts? Casual sex? It sounds like you are not really dating either of them. After hanging out for less than 30 days in a nebulous situation there is nothing to "define" with guy one. Especially if you want to explore things with guy two.

For about a month I've been consistently hanging out with a guy. I've stayed the night more than once, but I've never tried anything 'casual'

 

There's another guy I was interested in before this, that has recently surfaced and wants to start hanging out, too.

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You need to ask.

 

If you can't ask straight out, than perhaps you're not ready for any kind of relationship.

You should be confident enough to just ask him if he would like to have a relationship with you or not.

 

No point in guessing. If you want it to be a relationship, then so say. You have as much right to what you want as he does.

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Most people don't take it well that you're entertaining ideas of seeing someone else unless there's some prior understanding or you know each other better. I wouldn't speak about this with Ryan at all.

 

Make up your mind on your own whether Ryan is worth spending more time with and if he is, spend time exclusively with him and explain at some point you're not interested in dating casually and are looking for a more serious relationship. This way you've now altered the framework of your dating and you're checking off what you need to feel fulfilled if dating casually is not for you.

 

Nick is a distraction, if anything, and a catalyst for you in making up your mind in what you want ultimately instead of floating around like a dandelion. Nothing wrong with floating around where the wind blows but as you can see, by doing so, you're easily confused.

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Is "hanging out" code for having sex with someone?

 

Are you asking if you can have sex with two different "dates"? Even if you'd prefer one over the other if it were to lead to exclusivity?

 

Well, it is done all the time. However, it can definitely blow up in hurtful feelings all around.

 

I'd recommend not "hanging out" with more than one person at a time, it simplifies your life.

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Is "hanging out" code for having sex with someone?

 

Are you asking if you can have sex with two different "dates"? Even if you'd prefer one over the other if it were to lead to exclusivity?

 

Oh, no, I don't go around randomly "hooking up," not anymore at least, for the exact reason of it blowing up. When I say 'hang out' I mean exactly that. When I go to Ryan's 99% of the time I have my 3 year old daughter, and his son is there most of the time so we all just chill out and watch movies together.

 

As for Nick, I do feel he has other ideas, which is part of the reason I'm a bit wary to go down that road.

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Oh, no, I don't go around randomly "hooking up," not anymore at least, for the exact reason of it blowing up. When I say 'hang out' I mean exactly that. When I go to Ryan's 99% of the time I have my 3 year old daughter, and his son is there most of the time so we all just chill out and watch movies together.

 

As for Nick, I do feel he has other ideas, which is part of the reason I'm a bit wary to go down that road.

 

Why would you bring the kids into it? I mean, its one thing to meet a divorced dad at the park for your kids to have a play date and its another to be going to his house and banging him. its wrong to get the kids involved in your casual relationships. its fine to meet for playdates with single dads but its not okay to hook up with a guy and bring your kids. I would go for coffee with Nick and don't bring your kid. Nothing to lose by doing that. And in the meantime don't sleep with Ryan. Or if you really want Ryan, go on an actual date and leave the kids at home. And make intentions known

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Why would you bring the kids into it? I mean, its one thing to meet a divorced dad at the park for your kids to have a play date and its another to be going to his house and banging him.

 

Oh god no. Like I said I'm not just going there to just hook up, we all hang out. Whatever we have going on isn't sex based at all.

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You don't need a manual when you choose to be honest with yourself up front as well as the other person as to what you are looking for and what you are not looking for if that's appropriate to share. You agreed to hang out and hook up with Ryan and he wants the same. I agree with Jman - you already defined the arrangement. Thing is if you choose to hang out with Nick and that means sexual contact then you need to tell R so he can protect himself from STDs (still not clear whether you slept over and had sex or just slept)

 

I would not have your 3 year old daughter there. Kids don't "get" dating -they get attached. And it sounds like if she gets attached to Ryan she's going to get hurt because you're thinking of moving on to Nick or at least seeing less of Ryan.

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You don't need a manual when you choose to be honest with yourself up front as well as the other person as to what you are looking for and what you are not looking for if that's appropriate to share. You agreed to hang out and hook up with Ryan and he wants the same. I agree with Jman - you already defined the arrangement.

 

This.

 

You and Ryan have defined things by doing what you're doing, and validating it by doing it. If your feelings about all that have evolved, along with your feelings for him, you should express that—no shame, no fear. It doesn't have to be some summit of the ages. You just tell him who you are: a woman who likes him, does not want to sleep with anyone else, and have realized that you'd like to see if what you have can develop into a committed, exclusive relationship. He will then respond however he responds, and you learn if you're on the same level.

 

This is a win-win. If you see eye to eye—terrific, exhale into that a bit. If you don't—also terrific, exhale into that. Sure, it's not the ideal win, but it's better than faking something, being uncomfortable, and cultivating things with other guys to soften the discomfort. It means you know the stakes and can act accordingly, protecting and cherishing your truth, and yourself.

 

What stood out to me in your original post is how you phrased things. Rather than wondering if you should be honest with Ryan, you're wondering if you should ask if he wants out, or not. That's not just passive, but passive-aggressive. It's skipping over the part where you express yourself in favor of expressing an assumption about him—and a negative one. People, generally, do not respond well to people making negative assumptions about them—even if the assumption is true. That would be putting him against the ropes and seeing if he swings, when Ryan is not pulling any wool over your eyes—he's just participating in the dynamic you've created together.

 

The Nick business. If all Nick represents is a landing pad in case Ryan is casual-only, as opposed to a man you're genuinely curious about—skip that. It doesn't do anyone any favors. Nick's not going anywhere, and right now doesn't sound like the time to see where you and Nick can go—not until you have a clearer idea about you and Ryan. Get that first, then step accordingly, rather than stepping in one direction with one foot, and another with the other.

 

Remember: the goal here is not "being liked by a dude" but "connecting with a dude you like." You like Ryan, so see about that connection.

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For about a month I've been consistently hanging out with a guy, we'll call him Ryan, almost daily. When we first started talking we both agreed it was casual

 

It's been a mere 4 weeks and with the agreement to keep it casual, there is no reason to run this by Ryan. Had it been a few months you might consider taking his pulse before you acted on it. But you are a free agent to do as you please until which time you two have a discussion otherwise. I wouldn't be the one to initiate it. At least not at the 4 week mark.

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For anyone who would like an update:

 

I did it. Against some of your wishes I asked him what he wanted out of this endgame.

 

Turns out, he was only doing casual because he thought that's what I wanted and he was cool with it. But since we both found we have deeper feelings for each other and have been hiding it, we decided to start fresh and try dating with a higher potential.

 

Thank you to everyone. Y'all gave me the boost I needed to man tf up and just ask, life is short. Why waste it with "what ifs" and wondering?

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For anyone who would like an update:

 

I did it. Against some of your wishes I asked him what he wanted out of this endgame.

 

Turns out, he was only doing casual because he thought that's what I wanted and he was cool with it. But since we both found we have deeper feelings for each other and have been hiding it, we decided to start fresh and try dating with a higher potential.

 

Thank you to everyone. Y'all gave me the boost I needed to man tf up and just ask, life is short. Why waste it with "what ifs" and wondering?

 

In my experience if a person wants something more serious they step up to the plate and ask even if the person thinks "that's all the other person wants." Just like you did -you weren't sure and you asked -but he didn't ask. It all works out and I'd keep in mind that he would have kept it casual had you not said anything. Just proceed with healthy caution especially since you also were interested in another guy which says something about your interest level.

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Play date guy or guy #2? Who did you really want to emerge as a potential dating partner and what about the other one?

 

Guy #1, I just didn't want to put all my eggs in one basket if he wasn't interested, I have a history of getting too attached but I've gotten past that (for the most part, I'm still a work in progress). Found out Guy #2 was only interested in sex and I'm not down with that anyway.

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Turns out, he was only doing casual because he thought that's what I wanted and he was cool with it. But since we both found we have deeper feelings for each other and have been hiding it, we decided to start fresh and try dating with a higher potential.

 

Awesome. See? sometimes you gotta ask if you want something.

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