Facebook share
LinkedIn share
Google plus share
Twitter plus share
Give Advice
Ask For Advice
Page 2 of 3 FirstFirst 123 LastLast
Results 11 to 20 of 26

Thread: Do I Define the Relationship?

  1. #11
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Mar 2002
    Posts
    2,028
    Is "hanging out" code for having sex with someone?

    Are you asking if you can have sex with two different "dates"? Even if you'd prefer one over the other if it were to lead to exclusivity?

    Well, it is done all the time. However, it can definitely blow up in hurtful feelings all around.

    I'd recommend not "hanging out" with more than one person at a time, it simplifies your life.

  2. #12
    Originally Posted by jimthzz
    Is "hanging out" code for having sex with someone?

    Are you asking if you can have sex with two different "dates"? Even if you'd prefer one over the other if it were to lead to exclusivity?
    Oh, no, I don't go around randomly "hooking up," not anymore at least, for the exact reason of it blowing up. When I say 'hang out' I mean exactly that. When I go to Ryan's 99% of the time I have my 3 year old daughter, and his son is there most of the time so we all just chill out and watch movies together.

    As for Nick, I do feel he has other ideas, which is part of the reason I'm a bit wary to go down that road.

  3. #13
    Originally Posted by j.man
    You already defined it.
    Fair enough. I suppose with all the mess in between it feels more complicated than that. This is so new to me, and I really wish there was a handbook lol.

  4. #14
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Nov 2008
    Posts
    24,242
    Gender
    Female
    Originally Posted by Hannah0402
    Oh, no, I don't go around randomly "hooking up," not anymore at least, for the exact reason of it blowing up. When I say 'hang out' I mean exactly that. When I go to Ryan's 99% of the time I have my 3 year old daughter, and his son is there most of the time so we all just chill out and watch movies together.

    As for Nick, I do feel he has other ideas, which is part of the reason I'm a bit wary to go down that road.
    Why would you bring the kids into it? I mean, its one thing to meet a divorced dad at the park for your kids to have a play date and its another to be going to his house and banging him. its wrong to get the kids involved in your casual relationships. its fine to meet for playdates with single dads but its not okay to hook up with a guy and bring your kids. I would go for coffee with Nick and don't bring your kid. Nothing to lose by doing that. And in the meantime don't sleep with Ryan. Or if you really want Ryan, go on an actual date and leave the kids at home. And make intentions known

  5.  

  6. #15
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Nov 2008
    Posts
    24,242
    Gender
    Female
    Maybe stop sleeping with Ryan even if you don't see Nick to clear your head a bit

  7. #16
    Originally Posted by abitbroken
    Why would you bring the kids into it? I mean, its one thing to meet a divorced dad at the park for your kids to have a play date and its another to be going to his house and banging him.
    Oh god no. Like I said I'm not just going there to just hook up, we all hang out. Whatever we have going on isn't sex based at all.

  8. #17
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Mar 2006
    Posts
    50,675
    You don't need a manual when you choose to be honest with yourself up front as well as the other person as to what you are looking for and what you are not looking for if that's appropriate to share. You agreed to hang out and hook up with Ryan and he wants the same. I agree with Jman - you already defined the arrangement. Thing is if you choose to hang out with Nick and that means sexual contact then you need to tell R so he can protect himself from STDs (still not clear whether you slept over and had sex or just slept)

    I would not have your 3 year old daughter there. Kids don't "get" dating -they get attached. And it sounds like if she gets attached to Ryan she's going to get hurt because you're thinking of moving on to Nick or at least seeing less of Ryan.

  9. #18
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2016
    Location
    Cloud Nine
    Posts
    35,454
    Gender
    Male
    So what's the question, if guy one is just kids play dates and guy 2 hasn't even asked you out? You are not dating either of them.
    Originally Posted by Hannah0402
    Oh god no. Like I said I'm not just going there to just hook up, we all hang out. Whatever we have going on isn't sex based at all.

  10. #19
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2017
    Posts
    3,479
    Gender
    Male
    Originally Posted by Batya33
    You don't need a manual when you choose to be honest with yourself up front as well as the other person as to what you are looking for and what you are not looking for if that's appropriate to share. You agreed to hang out and hook up with Ryan and he wants the same. I agree with Jman - you already defined the arrangement.
    This.

    You and Ryan have defined things by doing what you're doing, and validating it by doing it. If your feelings about all that have evolved, along with your feelings for him, you should express that—no shame, no fear. It doesn't have to be some summit of the ages. You just tell him who you are: a woman who likes him, does not want to sleep with anyone else, and have realized that you'd like to see if what you have can develop into a committed, exclusive relationship. He will then respond however he responds, and you learn if you're on the same level.

    This is a win-win. If you see eye to eye—terrific, exhale into that a bit. If you don't—also terrific, exhale into that. Sure, it's not the ideal win, but it's better than faking something, being uncomfortable, and cultivating things with other guys to soften the discomfort. It means you know the stakes and can act accordingly, protecting and cherishing your truth, and yourself.

    What stood out to me in your original post is how you phrased things. Rather than wondering if you should be honest with Ryan, you're wondering if you should ask if he wants out, or not. That's not just passive, but passive-aggressive. It's skipping over the part where you express yourself in favor of expressing an assumption about him—and a negative one. People, generally, do not respond well to people making negative assumptions about them—even if the assumption is true. That would be putting him against the ropes and seeing if he swings, when Ryan is not pulling any wool over your eyes—he's just participating in the dynamic you've created together.

    The Nick business. If all Nick represents is a landing pad in case Ryan is casual-only, as opposed to a man you're genuinely curious about—skip that. It doesn't do anyone any favors. Nick's not going anywhere, and right now doesn't sound like the time to see where you and Nick can go—not until you have a clearer idea about you and Ryan. Get that first, then step accordingly, rather than stepping in one direction with one foot, and another with the other.

    Remember: the goal here is not "being liked by a dude" but "connecting with a dude you like." You like Ryan, so see about that connection.

  11. #20
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2014
    Posts
    10,341
    Gender
    Female
    Originally Posted by Hannah0402
    For about a month I've been consistently hanging out with a guy, we'll call him Ryan, almost daily. When we first started talking we both agreed it was casual
    It's been a mere 4 weeks and with the agreement to keep it casual, there is no reason to run this by Ryan. Had it been a few months you might consider taking his pulse before you acted on it. But you are a free agent to do as you please until which time you two have a discussion otherwise. I wouldn't be the one to initiate it. At least not at the 4 week mark.

Page 2 of 3 FirstFirst 123 LastLast

Give Advice
Ask For Advice

Tags for this Thread

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •