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Thread: Taking a break- confused : 😐 Advise needed

  1. #1
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    Taking a break- confused : 😐 Advise needed

    hello, i'll try to make this short as possible.

    Backstory: ME- 34 HIM-31
    Me and my boyfriend have been together for over a year now and quite recently (the past months) he has been traveling a lot for work (6 weeks at a time in America/ we are in Europe) ..the first 10 months or so we were always in the same city.. we really loved being together.. when he travels- his job gets very stressful/demanding while away and we don't have much time to have an actual phone call (maybe 1-2 times per week) with time differences. However, when we are in the same city the relationship is great and fun and we see each other often (4-5 days per week) . In the beginning we were both always in the same city- no one traveled so much.

    Now- I must go to America first for a couple of months and then return to Europe to finish a course (in our country of residence but a different city 6 hours by car) that won't end until June of 2020. Its a very demanding course (6 days per week /11 hours per day) so i wont have much time away from working. So we are looking at 6-7 months apart - the next months will be crazy for both of us.

    Last night he said he didn't want the responsibility of the relationship because he doesn't do well in long distance.He is the type of person who needs to be together physically- not away. And that he is bad at long distance. That it has been very hard for him while he has been away for 6 weeks and cannot imagine more time apart. He suggested we spend the next few week together- having fun- being together still- which as i said when we are together its so nice and loving. He has become my best friend. After I leave in a few weeks he thinks we should take time apart- for us to both focus on our works- and when I return to our home country he said he would like to visit my while I am finishing my course in the different city. He also wants to keep in touch regularly (but not every day) to check in with each other. He said once we are both finished with this crazy period - and both in the same city again we can discuss how we feel about being together again.


    He said he just doesn't want the responsibility of a relationship right now with everything that is going on..

    At first- it kind of made sense- being able to free up my mind and focus on this project I have worked so hard to receive and him to finish his project. But now- i am completely sad..I gave up my flat as I am going away soon so I am living with him for the next few weeks and he is so affectionate and caring- he left this morning for a work trip and will be back in 3 days and said he wants me to stay and he does love and care about me but just can't have the responsibilities of a relationship right now because he is too stressed... I asked him if he wanted to see other people during this break or whatever this is and he said "i dont want it right now- but if something happens 3-4 months later its ok with me " Thats the part I don't like... I cant imagine him with someone else nor do i want to date anyone else ..he says that if we are exclusive its the same of being in a long distance relationship which he doesn't want and it is a responsibility he doesn't want right now...

    I feel so sad and confused right now- the proud side of me just wants to leave and stay someplace else (i offered and he said - "please dont go" ) and cut communication...and the other side of me thinks its a good plan to really enjoy eachother the next weeks- take time off and still be in communication and see what happens when these intense months of working/being away ends.. but again i dont want to be open to the possibilities of seeing other people in the meantime- and he is ok with it. I don't know what to do ... please advise

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry to hear this. No reason to react immediately and move out. Enjoy the next while together. After that you can enjoy your freedom and possibly meet some local people. It sounds like he doesn't want to be tied down and neither should you. It's just a fork in the road based on your lifestyles. He is ending things and after you enjoy some last hugs and kisses, it would be best to let go. He's ending things in order to have local physical relationships. Do not plan to stay in touch, you'll get hurt.
    Originally Posted by Iknowaline
    Backstory: ME- 34 HIM-31. Me and my boyfriend have been together for over a year now and quite recently

    He said he just doesn't want the responsibility of a relationship right now with everything that is going on..


    I feel so sad and confused right now- the proud side of me just wants to leave and stay someplace else (i offered and he said - "please dont go" ) and cut communication...and the other side of me thinks its a good plan to really enjoy eachother the next weeks- take time off and still be in communication and see what happens when these intense months of working/being away ends.

  3. #3
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    I personally would not to continue to stay with him. That is only going to confuse you further, and make it hurt even more when your departure date comes.

    He was honest that long-distance isn't for him, and has told you he is open to dating other women. It hurts, I realize, but you would be wise to believe him. He knows himself better than you do, and knows he can't likely can't stay committed when he's separated from a partner for an extended length of time.

    It won't be pleasant, but I would concentrate on completing this course without worrying about him or whether he's going to want to reconcile at some point when you're both in the same place. That may or may not happen and it won't be worth stressing about.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Tough situation.

    I agree with MissCanuck in that it's important to understand that he is being clear and honest with you right right now. He's looking at the reality of both your futures and realizing that it's just not possible for him to be in a committed relationship with that much distanceóand that, yes, seeing other people will be on the table once you depart. These are hard facts that can't be altered, only accepted.

    Now that he's been honest with you, the only thing you can do is be honest with yourself. If all that sounds like a recipe for pain and confusionóthe impression I'm getting from your postóthen I would cut this off clean when you leave. That's respecting his truth, your truth, and reality. Not easy, I know. But it does preserve what has worked between you, rather than sullying it with half a year of a torched heart and jittery head that would likely make getting back together impossible. This way, if it's meant to be, it'll happen, without it being forced by having to torture yourself emotionally for the bulk of the next year inside a dynamic that doesn't compliment your spirit.

    I can relate to both of you, for whatever it's worth. I could see myself, at different times in my life, proposing something like he did in total sincerity, as well as being sincerely okay with it if it was proposed to me. I can also see myself not being remotely okay with it, hard as it would be to let go. But we know what is okay with us, and what isn't. Our guts tell us. It can be hard to listen to out guts, but blocking them out often leads to moments in life that are even harder, and harder to recover from.

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  6. 10-21-2019, 12:14 PM

  7. #5
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    😎🎾🦄🦄🐭🏀🏀🏀🐹🐹🏈🏈🎶🎶🌿🌽🌴😍☕👈👴👴
    Originally Posted by turneellspy
    Do you need the trolling and spamming of a professional moron that can secretly spy on your 🦄💩💩💩

  8. #6
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    Yes i agree with the other posters. He has been upfront and honest and i personally would say the same as he has. LDR are doomed to fail and staying together in such a crummy situation might cause you to fall out and end up disliking one another.

    I would split now, all respectful and civilised. Who knows down the line when your lives are in different places maybe you might want to meet up and try again. At least you can look back on your time together favourably. I just think right now this is not your time to be together so would be wise not to push it.

    As for staying in his place that's something only you can decide. If you can afford it then i'd move out. You can start healing and fosucing on you then. If you cannot afford too right now then you may have to suck it up for a few more weeks unfortunately.


    Sorry this is happening and good luck. You will be fine long term even if it doesnt seem that way now.

  9. #7
    Gold Member Gary Snyder's Avatar
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    Traveling for work / long distance relationships often don't work out. Sorry.

  10. #8
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    Thank you all for your advice - on a train now for a few days for a work trip - while he is away in another city - we both get back Thursday . This is our crazy life - he just got back yesterday after being away 6 weeks- our crazy life - luckily we are both going to be home the next month until I leave ... Heís already texted me like normal

    I know he loves me and I love him - itís the hardest part of this - as I said the first 10-11 months we werenít traveling like this - we were always in our home city .. always together . We had a very very good relationship .

    I understand everything he says - he has never been a ďphone guy ď but was never a problem for me until he started traveling - and is a terrible texter while heís away- I get stressed because he isnít texting me as much as Iíd like which stresses him out ...

    For those of you have said if we stayed together we would just fight during this duration - and if we parted now with love and respect there is a chance we work in it when this hectic year is finished .. I hope so - I just hate thinking of dating others - I know him heís not a Casanova but shy so it could be awhile - but I hate knowing he isnít closing the door to seeing others this year

    Forgot to mention on original post - he said he wanted to keep communicating while we are both away , and when I come back to our home country but different cities - he said he wanted to help me settle down there and visit me - then we see eachother once we are both permanently back (6-8 months from now ) and see how we feel ... so theoretically we will see eachother in between those months when he helps me get settled - so that makes me very positive about the future of us .. I know what he says makes perfect sense as this is going to be a very intense year and we need to focus . but Iím still very sad

    About the living situation- I have a friend I can stay with until I leave to the USA - but my boyfriend - or soon to be ex says he wants me to stay with him - I really want to as I really enjoy him and this is our last chance ...especially we we both have no upcoming work trips - one full month together in our home city before I go - but I donít want to be crushed completely.. I guess we will talk again about living arrangements on Thursday and Iíll decide what I want to do - the only reason I live there now is because Iím leaving soon and had a very expensive rent and it was pointless to keep it one more month .

    Anyways, I really hope it works out when we are both back .. I already miss us

  11. #9
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    He doesn't sound very serious about you. The problem about living with him for the next few weeks is that you're sad. Sadness is no good. You're sad about the impending future and your emotions will change the previous dynamic you've once had in this relationship. I don't think either of you are on the same page and if you both felt the same way about it, that's fine and dandy. The problem is that you don't agree with his approach and you're entitled to that. This man is simply not serious about you and he too is entitled to date and spend his time how he sees fit. You, however, do not need to agree with him or live with him for the next few weeks.

    Something tells me that you'll go ahead with it anyway because it's not something you've ever encountered before and you're probably a woman of your word.

    Never sacrifice your peace of mind, regardless of where you are or what you're doing. Pay attention to your emotions and if something doesn't feel good, follow it. One person's way of doing things does not have to be your way. You do what's right for you and don't bother rationalizing it out for anyone else. You're the one who has to be comfortable with it at the end of the day.

  12. #10
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Enjoy this while it lasts. After that all you can do is play it by ear.

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