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Thread: Taking a break- confused : 😐 Advise needed

  1. #11
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Rose Mosse
    He doesn't sound very serious about you. The problem about living with him for the next few weeks is that you're sad. Sadness is no good. You're sad about the impending future and your emotions will change the previous dynamic you've once had in this relationship. I don't think either of you are on the same page and if you both felt the same way about it, that's fine and dandy. The problem is that you don't agree with his approach and you're entitled to that.

    Regarding LDR, try being married to a chef or someone in the restaurant industry. It is nearly always a permanent LDR/touch and go. You don't make mountains of molehills and you appreciate every moment together without getting worked up or pulling the plug on the little things. This man is simply not serious about you and he too is entitled to date and spend his time how he sees fit. You, however, do not need to agree with him or live with him for the next few weeks.

    Something tells me that you'll go ahead with it anyway because it's not something you've ever encountered before and you're probably a woman of your word.

    Never sacrifice your peace of mind, regardless of where you are or what you're doing. Pay attention to your emotions and if something doesn't feel good, follow it. One person's way of doing things does not have to be your way. You do what's right for you and don't bother rationalizing it out for anyone else. You're the one who has to be comfortable with it at the end of the day.
    Just requoting Rose here, because I think these are very wise words.

    I don't get the sense that he is really factoring the fabric that is you into the fabric of his life—or, in simpler terms, taking you seriously. This stuff is hard to gauge. There's no thermometer, for starters, and when the waves are relatively flat (those first 10-11 months) it's easy to feel like you're on the exact same page even if you're not, not quite. There are also certain expressions ("I know he/she loves me...") that can bridge that gap when the gap hurts, like a kind of bandaid.

    I'm not saying that phrase is a lie. I'm sure you both have very real love for one another. But "love" and "serious" aren't always one in the same. And I have to wonder if that's a bit of what you're feeling right now, the sadness. Past fixating one one sour edge (him with others) and then softening that edge (staying in contact, still seeing each other, maybe getting re-exclusive later), I wonder if what you're feeling right now is that disconnect: that he takes you, and your relationship, less seriously than you take him, and the relationship, according to your spiritual thermometer.

    His terms are very favorable to him, which makes sense: we all set terms that work for us. But do they work for you? Maybe you need to test it a bit, to get an answer—that's the impression I'm getting. That's okay. I've tried a lot of things in life and love to learn certain limits—and also to really tune into what the gut says. Do make sure not to suppress yours too much. Just like him, you are allowed to have terms of your own.

  2. #12
    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
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    A year is a pretty significant time together that if a person really loved another, he'd rather deal with the frustration and loneliness when there is an end in sight, rather than free a woman to be with other men. Military families do this all the time. I know, because I was once a Navy wife, where my husband would be gone 4 to 6 months out to sea, and back then, cell phones didn't even exist.

    Sounds like he is an instant gratitude type of person, whereas "If you can't be with the one you love, then love the one you're with."

    Couples who equally care would come up with a consensus of communication while apart, like talking once a week, so both could concentrate on work and not be tied to a phone when it's too difficult. Even if he doesn't like texting, etc., it's selfish to just not do it at all when a partner values it. People who care, compromise.

    So what would happen if 8 months later you talk about getting back together. Would you question him on if he'd been with another woman? What would you do with the info? Would it change how you feel about him? Or would you leave it a mystery, but would that eat away at your innards, never knowing?

    Best to realize you're both incompatible on major issues, even though you enjoy each other's company. That's the point of dating, to find these thing out, if someone matches you in all the major ways or not, so you can make the best decisions for yourself. In your shoes, I wouldn't spend another second with someone who has freed me to choose another partner. I'd hold out for someone who was never willing to let me go--not even once.

  3. #13
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    I know countless of people in stressful jobs who travel for work or on set for extended periods, and are happily married. This guy is just not the right guy for you. He is unable to manage travel and stress. So everytime he has to travel, will you two have open relationship??? Say goodbye, and never look back.

  4. #14
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    Originally Posted by Iknowaline
    Forgot to mention on original post - he said he wanted to keep communicating while we are both away , and when I come back to our home country but different cities - he said he wanted to help me settle down there and visit me - then we see eachother once we are both permanently back (6-8 months from now ) and see how we feel ... so theoretically we will see eachother in between those months when he helps me get settled - so that makes me very positive about the future of us
    I wouldn't bank on this, OP.

    I don't mean to rain on your parade, but I would concentrate on doing this alone and without visits from him. A lot can change in between now and then that could totally derail those tentative plans. It will be very confusing for you if he does come and visit but still sees other women in the meantime, or comes to visit but then still resists rebuilding your relationship in a meaningful way. I don't think he has malicious intentions, but I also think this is his way of trying to soften the blow of breaking up.

    I know this must be very hard but I would not put too many eggs in this basket.

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  6. #15
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    The more soft tiptoeing there is like this, unfortunately the more you should brace yourself.

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