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Broken up but still in daily contact


lost39-

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About 9 months ago me and my partner of 20 yrs have split (became like brother and sister according to her, i suppise she wsz right bit i never wanted to split) We raised 2 lovely girls now aged 16 and 21.

My partner hax moved out and i am living in the house we morgaged together. She rents a place. Its wierd cause we have daily contact via phone and see each other a few times a week. A few weeks back we went away to a caravan for a lonv weekend as a family and had a great time - upon our return home we both cryed as we went our seperate ways (youngest is with me eldest with her).

I cant stop thinking about our early days together and how we were, we were inseperable. It really hurts. Will these feelings ever cease? I can never see myself witb amother woman. What is wrong with me?

Its even as sad as im in certain rooms and have flash backs of the girls being young and all the good times.

If she called time why cant i just walk away?

Thanks in advance

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Sorry to hear this. It sounds like there is someone else and that she was starved for affection for quite some time. All you can do is co-parent the best way you can and hope your kids come out alright. You are going to need contact because you have children and apparently have some financial/residential issues that need to be cleared up. When a women leaves her home and a child behind, she has been desperately unhappy for quite a while and decided this was her only option.

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Starved of affection is more than likely the case. I'm sorry that this is happening. You may be riddled with regret and upset at the change or loss of a long term partner. Everything you're feeling is not out of the norm. I think it's wonderful that you're able to spend time as a family despite what's going on between both of you as a couple but I'd be cautious and check in with yourself and your own feelings often. I'd consider speaking to someone trained or trusted (or both - either a therapist or a very good, trusted friend, preferably not a mutual friend of the both of you) about your feelings of loneliness and misgivings that the disruption has caused. Don't keep that grief inside you. It'll eat you up inside out.

 

Continue spending quality time with your friends and continue your own self-development. You'll need to learn a new you, your new identity outside of your marriage which has ended. Don't stay stuck here. Grieve and keep developing and getting to know yourself and engaging in new and old hobbies/interests.

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Yes that is very true. I suppose deep down i hope for a rekindlling. Question is how long do i wait?

 

First, Wiseman is right. Do not buy into some internet scam youtube about waiting 30 days and writing a stupid letter. Won't work.

 

Secondly, she will actually appreciate it if you man-up at this point. May not get her back, but it will get her, and your self, respect back.

 

You need to sit her down for a proper separation discussion. There are lots of logistics and financials to discuss, so text her a list. Kids. Selling mortgaged property. Financial split up. Changing wills. Christmas arrangements.

 

You tell her, this is her choice, now there are practical consequences.

 

Then you need to breath out, and start the next day of your life without forlorn hope and expectation.

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What you are going thru is natural. A lot of people shield themselves and their hurt by reflecting back to the good days. Nothing wrong with it because those times are parts that made you who you are today. So its natural to go back and have quick thoughts and images to happier times.

What I will suggest is just go out and find a counselor in relationships. No doubt there is 304,503 thoughts in your head and trying to sort them out is going to drive you mad. Talk to a professional who can help you deal with this and give you clarity and guidance.

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  • 2 weeks later...

Taking responsibility for one's role in something is important with respect to insight and moving forward without repeating the same problems. Breakups are not about "blame" lol, they are about reflection and understanding so growth and healing can take place.

 

Intelligent mature people do not recklessly careen through life blaming everyone else for everything. The ones who lack insight and refuse to take responsibility for whatever role they have are the unevolved ones who continually find themselves in a bad rerun.

Hang in there and pay no attention to those who put all the blame on you.
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  • 2 weeks later...

Thank you for all your messages.in still also greiving thd loss of my dad so my mind is in a really bad place. One minute its dad, then its back to thd relationship breakdown. Im still in the home we shared together which probably does not help but cantvadford to move. She is happy for me to stay in there. She now rents.

Im a bit of a phychological mess lol

This site is a god send as im quite a private person so find it hard to discuss in person so yes im hiding behind a keyboard lol

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Feel for you OP but it's best to keep contact to a minimum and only about your children, the youngest of who is nearly an adult anyway. Don't hang around for her. Sounds like she's met someone else.

 

Look after yourself first and foremost. Do not wait for her, do not yearn for her, do not be her doormat.

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Well, i think we've all been in the same situation as you at some point, me personally minus the children.

 

You just have to let go and accept it's over. Easier said than done i know. Allow yourself time to grieve the end of the relationship and then start to move on with your life. It's the old cliche stuff, catch up with old frends, make new friends, get a new hobby etc etc. There's no magic cure for heartbreak, it takes time for sure but you will be ok in the end.

 

I would unfriend/unfollow on any social media. Just keep to texting/calls about your daughters. I know your oldest is 21 and your youngest 16 i believe you said so just sort any arrangements you need to for her about visitation and fair financial contributions etc first of all.

 

If i was you i would not date anyone else either for at least 6 months while you come to temrs with this but that's just my advice.

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. Do exs ever change there mind and want you back?

 

Sometimes, but in my case when it happened, it didn't last. And that was after a long break, and a lot of water under the bridge on both sides.

 

Your best option, unfortunately, is to accept that it will not happen, and proceed accordingly. (See ninjabib's post).

 

If she does ever come back, you want to be the best version of yourself you can, and then you get to decide whether to accept her, or not.

 

Like you I had a break-up last year, and a month later my mother passed away. My doctor told me you do the grief processes in tandem.

 

It sucks, but you lose a lot of weight, so that's something.

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  • 1 month later...

Thanks folks as always. I really would have struggled if not for you advising, helps to know not alone.

Quick update I'm afraid.

As I said she is now in her own rented house with eldest daughter who stays at her mates all the time (youngest with me) . Long story short she has the house to her self all the time. She is 44 but has started acting like a 20 yr old again going clubbing with new set of friend etc pre drinks at hers then back to hers later. Just sounds like a midlife crisis, could all this (even her leaving me) be down to the menopause?

Been a year now and I'm still handing on what is wrong with me?

Still not told my family yet as lost my dad a year ago and mum struggling- dont want to tip her over the edge.

Then I keep imagining her with someone else. Feel like I'm going mad

Surely I should be over it by now

 

Thanks in advance

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I'm living in the house we are still oint mortgaged on. She is happy for me to stay there. I find it difficult af time looking at things we have brought together during happy times.

Why would she call me every day?

So miss her but I make sure I never initiate the calls or messages.

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ok for what it's worth, she kinda has you were she wants you.

 

you: in the old house, holding down the fort, wallowing, questioning, stuck in the past.

 

her: new pad, new friends, no real ties to the past. it's fun fun fun till her daddy takes the tbird away.

 

you need to flip the script and take back your own life. a mid forties man with almost grown kids- the world is your oyster. don't worry about dating... just start being better to yourself...

 

stop talking to her daily.... don't respond right away and continue to let time grow between responses. you do need to talk kids wise but your kids aren't babies. they can call you themselves.

 

start cleaning out the house. you can't financially let it go? ok. but all those memories are both of yours.... tell her you are making some changes and what out of the house does she want?

 

it's been a year. she's doing her. now time for you to do you.... and it starts by cleaning out all that crap.

 

ps. never blame menopause. are you a gynecologist? no. you have no idea what you are talking about. yes. you are a gynecologist? so what. talk to us when you have a uterus.. :) I say this in jest but am somewhat serious. the menopause card sounds condescending as all hell.... and you won't make any friends with that.

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  • 3 weeks later...

Sorry this is happening. You're too old to waste time like this on someone who just doesn't care. Get out and get involved in life again d so you're not ruminating and tempted to contact.

Do exs ever change there mind and want you back? I cant a life without here. I'm 46 yes old
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