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Thread: What to do? Feeling confused by the situation.

  1. #1

    What to do? Feeling confused by the situation.

    Hi everyone. New to this forum. I just would like a little advice on a guy I’ve been seeing.

    I met a guy online a few months ago, we hit it off so well. We had a couple of dates, we phoned every day. He told me he was in love with me. He did start to become clingy towards me calling me all the time and if I didn’t pick up he would say “why are you not talking”. But I did talk to him on the phone every evening. I put this down to he was a bit insecure. He then started to ask me about me ex’s, I told him my past and some other details about some horrible things I’ve suffered from. I was in an abusive relationship and I was sexually assaulted on holiday when I was with friends. He told me I should block all ex’s of social media, I told him there is no need as I don’t contact any of them and they don’t contact me. Only one sends me a message on my birthday wishing me a happy birthday but that’s it. I did it though but I never understand why I had to. He then said to block anyone that might be interested in me, I said no as I thought that was ridiculous. He got annoyed at me and said I was disrespecting him. He said he has do this so I should to. Anyway, I have always suffered from depression and anxiety (this is down to my previous experiences) I was becoming a little depressed. He asked to meet up and he would come see me. I said it’s best we leave it for now as I’m in a bad way mentally and need to not be in a relationship right now. He was really upset and started shouting at me down the phone saying “ you love being a victim, you exaggerated everything that happened to you on holiday with that sexual assault or you lied about it to get sympathy”. He’s never liked my sexual past, what I was interested in with previous boyfriends (he asked me what I was in to) he said while shouting “ You’re disgusting for doing those things with men that didn’t really love you, you degraded yourself” some of the things I did were not what I’d do now but I did because of how worthless I felt. I did explain this to him as it was years ago. He said if me and him were together he wanted me to give him everything sexual, as in do things that I’d never do with anyone else to show that I wanted him. He would cry on the phone telling me how much he loved me but I couldn’t take anymore. So I stopped talking to him and blocked him. A few days later I stupidly unblocked him to tell him I’m sorry for hurting him. He told me he met someone through online dating, he described her and the description seemed like his perfect woman. He emphasised on her body, on how “small” she was. He knows I’m a little self conscious about my body, I’m not fat but I’m not toned. I should point out he’s a bit larger which doesn’t bother me and I never once told him this. He always used to tell me I’m “ stunning, out of his league” I don’t believe in that though. Anyway....he told me he was “in a relationship” with this girl. I said good luck to him and thought right I’m clearly very replaceable. He went on to say he wants to stay in touch because he is still in love with me and that this new girl is only “perfect on paper” he says that she’s “second choice”. Why would you want to keep in touch if he’s apparently got a girlfriend so quickly? Is he manipulating me in to a relationship? What’s up with this guy? He said “ I gave you my heart and you stamped all over it, I would have loved you forever”. Is he guilt tripping me? Thanks for reading, sorry it’s so long.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member
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    I’m sorry that you met an as$hole.

    But you must take some ressponsibility for allowing him to treat you the way he did.

    The first red flag was talking on the phone everyday , that’s not normal in early dating stages! And the fact that if you didn’t answer he was not happy about it.

    The second red flag was him telling you he loved you when you hadn’t even got to know each other properly yet.

    You do not ever have to disclose your sexual past to anyone as long as you are std free.

    As for his new girl!! Well that’s likely a lie , he is describing her in a way that highlights your insecurities in a way for you to plead with him to take you back , so you are under his control again.
    He then says he loves you and she is great on paper. That means luckily for her she hasn’t met him yet.

    He is not manipulating you to be in a relationship, he is manipulating you to be under his control under the guise of a relationship.

    I hope you have blocked him again.

    He does not love you. I doubt he is even capable of loving another.

    In future , do not date an online meet or even an offline more than once per week for the first few months and in the first month the only contact in between dates should be simply to arrange the next one.

    No phone chatting.

    That’s the only way that you can weed out the weirdos , the players etc.

    Good luck!!!
    You deserve better so allow yourself to do better!

  3. #3
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    Unfortunately, you went from one abuser to another.

    With respect, I would strongly recommend some counselling for you. You have been through a lot and it seems are still having difficulty identifying abusive people and staying away from them. There is zero reason to keep this man in your life, zero reason to justify or explain anything about your past to him - and yet, you're here wondering why he's behaving like this and if you did anything wrong. Abusive people behave abusively, as he's doing. This isn't about you as a person; it's about an abuser trying to manipulate and control you, and keep your self-respect low enough to make himself feel powerful. It's toxic and very damaging to your well-being.

    A qualified and compassionate therapist can help you heal, and untangle your emotions surrounding your past. They can also help you see where you can change your mindset and make better choices, so you can stop the cycle of abusive relationships by having the self-worth to cut off a man the first time he shows you he is a bad seed.

    Please, block this man. Never speak to him again. Take a break from dating for a while and focus on you. Start researching good counsellors in your area.

  4. #4
    Gold Member Gary Snyder's Avatar
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    That guys is a nut. Be happy you did the right thing and broke up with him, don't second guess yourself.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    You need to block and delete this guy. He's nonsense. After 3 dates if there is no follow up in person, it's time to cut your losses and move forward. Never invest in phone relationships. They are weirdos or in relationships.
    Originally Posted by Littlerose
    I met a guy online a few months ago. We had a couple of dates

  7. #6
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    I agree with the others. This person is a hot mess. Leave him alone. There is no explanation for his behaviour and neither should you waste your time trying. Just leave him alone and block permanently.

  8. #7
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    Definitely this guy is not your cup of tea=)

    Is he manipulating me in to a relationship?
    He just manipulating you.

    he told me he was “in a relationship” with this girl.
    Probably, when he mentioned about another girl, he tried to get jealousy feelings from you.

    Let us sum up, you don't take positive sides of love from him. Stop hurting yourself. Move on.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member smackie9's Avatar
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    OK you could have avoided this all together. You need to learn from your previous experiences, that: you owe them nothing. If they yell at you, insult you, manipulate you, simply block delete, walk away. Remember they are the one acting like the victim to manipulate you. As soon as he started to yell at you on the phone, you should have hung up, blocked his number. Any person that demands that you change things, and tries to control what you do and whom you associate with, they are abusive. You had plenty of warning signs that this guy was going to get out of control. Follow your gut...if they get clingy, love bomb you, promise the world, etc....run for your life. It's not sweet and romantic, it's sick and out of control behavior. Hopefully you will take this experience with you, and apply it for the next one you get involved with. Like I said you owe no one, especially him anything, especially with behavior like that. He's a jerk. Never ever should you have to explain yourself. Self worth is all you need, with a good dose of confidence.


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