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Thread: Marriage Ultimatum. Dead stuck, please help!

  1. #11
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    My advice remains the same as in the other thread about this: [Register to see the link]

  2. #12
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    I'm sorry I was not able to reply to you all in a timely manner. Thanks a lot everyone for trying to help me out with all this. You are saving my life

    I really did open a topic about 9 months ago and I thought in the heat of the moment that current situation is a bit different.

    I offered her to go to couples counseling, I will do both searching and paying. And I offered that we just move in. But she says she is so busy with her business right now that she doesn't want to participate. She says she wants to work on relations really hard instead of just being half ass on session thinking of her business affairs. She wants me to take care of her for now and neglect my share of feelings

    I can really see how she feels, it is really hard to start a business in our country. She is busy 24/7 with it, as well her own therapy and business coaching.But, nonetheless, it really shows how she is distributing her priorities. I'm currently on the way to finally talk to her and I'm almost sure in will end in breaking up as she seems not to be interested in working on relations even for a bit.

  3. #13
    Member simple cure's Avatar
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    Yes, I think you have correctly evaluated it. She doesn't think anything is wrong as long as you do what she wants.
    It seems like in her mind your role is to be the one who gives her what she wants and that's the way it works.
    For people who have experienced abuse like you two,there are generally two results before people figure out they have something to work on. Becoming an abuser themselves,or becoming a codependent. You can't have one without the other. An abuser can't be an abuser without someone who will allow the abuse.
    So, you are just playing a role that you will grow out of and learn to hate. And why wouldn't you? Does anyone really like it?
    Do you want that? You really need to get out there figure your own thing out get yourself together and realize you don't have to take that.
    Abuse is not love.

  4. #14
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    But is mutual abuse possible? She says I abuse her by being withdrawn for a week after she abuses me somehow. And I really start to think maybe it is really me who messes up everything

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  6. #15
    Member simple cure's Avatar
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    That's how it works, always with abusers, they know what they're doing, if you think it's your fault, they get away with it.
    You really both need each other to make that whole messy painful and destructive dynamic to work. Aren't you tired of it yet? With her it will always be your fault and with you, you're already brainwashed to believe that.

  7. #16
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Often it is. Why even belabor who is more abusive? Toxic is toxic.
    Originally Posted by elmariachi93
    But is mutual abuse possible?

  8. #17
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    It sounds like you are looking for excuses to stay and marry her.

    If you choose to marry her, please realize you are basically giving up the right to complain about how she treats you. You would be agreeing to give up everything you want to do and agreeing to do whatever she wants you to do.

    How does a lifetime of being told what to do and being blamed if you don't sound? Maybe 40 to 50 years of her treating you the way she does now. Does that sound wonderful and amazing?

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