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Thread: Need advice on where to go from here. Did I mess up?

  1. #1

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    Need advice on where to go from here. Did I mess up?

    We broke up mutually six months ago. She started to distance herself and left no other choice but to part ways at that time. I couldn't see any other way. I was constantly trying to make things work.

    We have been in touch on and off over the past six months. At the beginning of the break up I asked to meet and talk, try again etc and was always met with a polite no. She would then ignore me, sometimes for a couple of months until one of us would reinstate contact.

    About a month ago we got chatting again, and this time it was different she was asking me a lot of questions and she seemed interested in what I had been up to. We got talking about the break up and I told how much I wish I could of done things different. She told me she was very hurt and upset at the end and couldn't go through that again. She asked me if I was wanting to try again.
    I told her I'd like to meet up and I asked her out and to come and meet me. She told me she was confused about everything and was unsure about meeting up..
    I told her that was okand to have a think. She told me she would and get back time that day. She did and told me she didn't know, that she's confused and that she will know when she knows. But we can still chat.

    So after two weeks of chatting, her taking hours to reply even though she would be online and me making most of the conversation, she started to eventually become more warm to conversation instead of short cold answers she did at the beginning. During conversation I jokingly said about meeting up, it had been over two weeks and no mention from her about seeing me. So I jokingly mentioned it.
    She told me that we'd talked about this and that she is still not sure. She immediately went back to being cold again. I told her I understand that it has to feel right. Two days later she replied agreeing....so I replied to her and she has deliberately ignored me ever since. For two weeks now she hasn't replied. My message is left un read.

    I haven't attempted to contact again, Since this but I'm so confused now as to where to go from here. I know many will say to move on but I love her loads and I'm struggling to understand what is going on.
    What do I do? What is she being like this?
    Any help,would be much appreciated.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    .so I replied to her and she has deliberately ignored me ever since.
    What exactly did you reply to her with?

  3. #3
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    Anything other than a yes is a no.

    I'm not sure or I'm confused is not a yes or a maybe.

    Stop contacting her. Go on with your life assuming she won't be a part of it. She may contact you or she may not. But chasing her will get you nowhere.

  4. #4

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    Originally Posted by ThatwasThen
    What exactly did you reply to her with?
    I replied saying it's okay and that I understand it has to feel right

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  6. #5
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    She does not want to meet up.

    Maybe she doesn't know to be direct and tell you that, or maybe she's entertaining another option right now and doesn't want to write you off completely yet until she knows it's going somewhere with him.

    You say you were the only one trying to make it work near the end of the relationship. You're evidently still the only one trying to make things work, though. She doesn't have the same goal you do, so it's time to stop any contact with her and work on accepting that this is over.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Hard situation—sorry about it all.

    As you said yourself: yes, I think the only thing to do here is to move on. All those feelings you have are real, I know, but if you don't have someone who wants to move in the same direction as you, what are your other options?

    No one but her can tell you why she's being the way she's being, and she probably can't quite articulate it either. She's hurt, confused, wary. And, really, she's been pretty clear in emphasizing that with you, if you step back a bit. She has given you very, very little to hold on to—two weeks of chatting, most of it hesitant, always dodging even the possibility of meeting up, then hard silence when you moved your pinky toe a few inches toward "serious." I would take her silence to be a response to you that says, "You're right, and right now it does not feel right."

    In your shoes—and I've been in them—I would try to do a kind of logical equation here. Basically subtract all your own hopes, thoughts, and feelings, and focus on what she is giving you, right now. Then ask yourself: What is there, in that, to make a relationship out of? What is there, in that, to be utterly excited about? The answer probably stings, but, ultimately, we are better off living our lives in response to what is real rather than what we wish was real, or long for to be real.

    That's how we avoid moving in any direction at all, though time is always moving. This is your life happening, right now, and there's only so long we can live feeling like we've put our lives on hold.

    Reconciliation is rare, but it's actually not so complicated when it happens. Two people breakup, get back in contact, mutually realize they want another shot, and so they take that shot, together. Sometimes the choice proves to be disastrous, otherwise not. But it is a choice made by two, not dragged out of one by the other.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member smackie9's Avatar
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    She can sense you still have hope. So now she knows even after 6 months there is no chance to just be friends. She’s avoiding you now trying to send you a message to forget about ever getting back together. How do I know this? Because I used to do this. I just didn’t have the heart to be blunt about it. I just kept dodging the advances to meet up.

  9. #8
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    Yep, OP there is nothing here for you romantically, shes either gone completely or seeing someone else and keeping you around on/off as a backup option AT BEST.

    Block, delete and move on for your well being.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Resrod
    I replied saying it's okay and that I understand it has to feel right
    Then what does she have to reply to you about? It has to feel right and since she's not jumping at the chance and has let you stew in your own hope and emotional angst for two weeks since your last contact, I would just assume that she's not jiggy with getting back together, get on with accepting that its over so that I can be open to dating again and finding someone that is jiggy with being with me.

    As long as you let her hold all this power over you, you are never going to get over her so do your best to accept and move on.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member Lambert's Avatar
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    Aww. I am sorry she is being a poop like this. One thing to remember, the next time you are the dumper, stay consistent. Don't waffle on a person. It's really selfish, immature and unfair. I understand you have feelings, care for her, want to get back but sometimes you gotta be your own best friend and see when someone is not acting with your best interests in mind. and when that is the case, it's always going to be either short lived, because they need attention, or just completely one sided with no real security.

    Sometimes we love someone and we see it so clearly that it can be resolved, why can't they just see it???? IDK. But I know for long term, real love and companionship it takes work from both people. As soon as one person tips that balance, you really have to dig down deep and decide for yourself-- is this really what you want? Because it doesn't gets better. It usually only gets worse. 6 months seems like a long time but it's not. Not in terms of personal growth and change.

    I don't think you did anything wrong. It is a no win situation. At least it is right now. And that will not change in the near future. You said you understand, it's ok and it has to feel right. That is basically accepting what she said. AND THAT'S ALL YOU CAN DO. She probably read it, but left it "unread" because she probably will contact you again. So I would probably use the time to work on myself and get my self worth, self esteem, self confidence and self love UP!!!

    Because given time and when you are in love with someone else, you will laugh at yourself, kinda kick yourself a little, and think-- why did I let this woman think she was better than me and that she could treat me anyway she wants.... So start working towards that mind set. I will tell you with 100% assurance-- NOTHING FEELS BETTER THAN AN EX REACHING OUT AND NOT CARING. No hate. No snide clap back. It's almost like pity. Like I've changed, you obviously haven't. I don't have to explain. I'll just leave you here.....

    You did your best. You were kind. You were there for her. You have nothing to feel bad about. Your response was respectful. Leave it there. Work on loving you more than you love the idea of her. The truth is, like most relationships, yours was good, until it wasn't. Some conversations were had, but you could iron out a deal. You can do better. If you really look in your heart, you know I am right.

    Hang in there. Get busy doing your own thing. The right one will find you. You gotta make room in your life. As long as your thoughts are on her, there isn't room for the new.
    Last edited by Lambert; 10-20-2019 at 07:12 PM. Reason: typos

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