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Thread: Need advice on where to go from here. Did I mess up?

  1. #11

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    Oct 2019
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    Originally Posted by smackie9
    She can sense you still have hope. So now she knows even after 6 months there is no chance to just be friends. She’s avoiding you now trying to send you a message to forget about ever getting back together. How do I know this? Because I used to do this. I just didn’t have the heart to be blunt about it. I just kept dodging the advances to meet up.
    Thankyou,interesting to hear that you were in a same situation and did the same whe you weren't interested.

  2. #12

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    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    Hard situation—sorry about it all.

    As you said yourself: yes, I think the only thing to do here is to move on. All those feelings you have are real, I know, but if you don't have someone who wants to move in the same direction as you, what are your other options?

    No one but her can tell you why she's being the way she's being, and she probably can't quite articulate it either. She's hurt, confused, wary. And, really, she's been pretty clear in emphasizing that with you, if you step back a bit. She has given you very, very little to hold on to—two weeks of chatting, most of it hesitant, always dodging even the possibility of meeting up, then hard silence when you moved your pinky toe a few inches toward "serious." I would take her silence to be a response to you that says, "You're right, and right now it does not feel right."

    In your shoes—and I've been in them—I would try to do a kind of logical equation here. Basically subtract all your own hopes, thoughts, and feelings, and focus on what she is giving you, right now. Then ask yourself: What is there, in that, to make a relationship out of? What is there, in that, to be utterly excited about? The answer probably stings, but, ultimately, we are better off living our lives in response to what is real rather than what we wish was real, or long for to be real.

    That's how we avoid moving in any direction at all, though time is always moving. This is your life happening, right now, and there's only so long we can live feeling like we've put our lives on hold.

    Reconciliation is rare, but it's actually not so complicated when it happens. Two people breakup, get back in contact, mutually realize they want another shot, and so they take that shot, together. Sometimes the choice proves to be disastrous, otherwise not. But it is a choice made by two, not dragged out of one by the other.
    Thanks so much for this, really does help. It seems the common theme is she just isn't interested in anything with me so like you say I've got a life to live and need to stop putting my life on hold for someone who couldn't careless about me

  3. #13

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    Oct 2019
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    Originally Posted by Lambert
    Aww. I am sorry she is being a poop like this. One thing to remember, the next time you are the dumper, stay consistent. Don't waffle on a person. It's really selfish, immature and unfair. I understand you have feelings, care for her, want to get back but sometimes you gotta be your own best friend and see when someone is not acting with your best interests in mind. and when that is the case, it's always going to be either short lived, because they need attention, or just completely one sided with no real security.

    Sometimes we love someone and we see it so clearly that it can be resolved, why can't they just see it???? IDK. But I know for long term, real love and companionship it takes work from both people. As soon as one person tips that balance, you really have to dig down deep and decide for yourself-- is this really what you want? Because it doesn't gets better. It usually only gets worse. 6 months seems like a long time but it's not. Not in terms of personal growth and change.

    I don't think you did anything wrong. It is a no win situation. At least it is right now. And that will not change in the near future. You said you understand, it's ok and it has to feel right. That is basically accepting what she said. AND THAT'S ALL YOU CAN DO. She probably read it, but left it "unread" because she probably will contact you again. So I would probably use the time to work on myself and get my self worth, self esteem, self confidence and self love UP!!!

    Because given time and when you are in love with someone else, you will laugh at yourself, kinda kick yourself a little, and think-- why did I let this woman think she was better than me and that she could treat me anyway she wants.... So start working towards that mind set. I will tell you with 100% assurance-- NOTHING FEELS BETTER THAN AN EX REACHING OUT AND NOT CARING. No hate. No snide clap back. It's almost like pity. Like I've changed, you obviously haven't. I don't have to explain. I'll just leave you here.....

    You did your best. You were kind. You were there for her. You have nothing to feel bad about. Your response was respectful. Leave it there. Work on loving you more than you love the idea of her. The truth is, like most relationships, yours was good, until it wasn't. Some conversations were had, but you could iron out a deal. You can do better. If you really look in your heart, you know I am right.

    Hang in there. Get busy doing your own thing. The right one will find you. You gotta make room in your life. As long as your thoughts are on her, there isn't room for the new.
    Hi Lambert thankyou for this. You explain and make it all seems sense. Deep down I know that she will never love me the way I love her and that just isn't fair on me I guess. I guess when I find the right person I won't even have to fight like this to even get her to meet with me. Thanks again

    She has now 'read' my message but still no reply. So after nearly two weeks of not opening it she's now opened it. Really don't understand her behaviour

  4. #14
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    Don't try too. Block and move on my friend.

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  6. #15

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    Thankyou all for your word of wisdom. It really does mean a lot.
    I'm finding things really tough at the Moment and it hurts so so bad seeing her moving on, like I don't even exist.
    I don't know how to move forward with myself at the moment but I now realise I've been a fool and completely stupid to let her treat me like this. Like someone said I shouldn't let her think she is better than me. i wish I could switch these feelings off and forget about her.

  7. #16
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    You've hardly been a fool. You are a human, going through a very human moment. I've certainly been in your shoes, as I think most have. I've probably put some people in them as well—never intentionally or maliciously. These are moments in being human. Some are more sour than sweet, and I'm really sorry about this sour one.

    The feelings will "switch off" when they're ready. So the question becomes: What do you do with them, right now? Think of it like a rainy Sunday. You wanted to go hiking—and, technically, you could. But it would suck. That's basically the equivalent of writing her and/or hovering over your phone, staring at the world "read," and trying to decipher it like its hieroglyphics.

    So hiking—off the table. Doesn't mean there aren't other things to do, to get through the day, maybe even make it a better day. What are those things, for you, right now? Heck, maybe it is a hike. Or maybe it's doing something you've always been dimly curious about—I learned pottery in a state of heartbreak, and it was pretty cool. Maybe it's a boxing class, or a movie.

    Try to think of it along those lines, instead of thinking that beneath that "read" is the cure to your pain, and you'll be on the right path. You'll be moving forward, regardless of how you're feeling, and the feelings will move too.

  8. #17

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    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    You've hardly been a fool. You are a human, going through a very human moment. I've certainly been in your shoes, as I think most have. I've probably put some people in them as well—never intentionally or maliciously. These are moments in being human. Some are more sour than sweet, and I'm really sorry about this sour one.

    The feelings will "switch off" when they're ready. So the question becomes: What do you do with them, right now? Think of it like a rainy Sunday. You wanted to go hiking—and, technically, you could. But it would suck. That's basically the equivalent of writing her and/or hovering over your phone, staring at the world "read," and trying to decipher it like its hieroglyphics.

    So hiking—off the table. Doesn't mean there aren't other things to do, to get through the day, maybe even make it a better day. What are those things, for you, right now? Heck, maybe it is a hike. Or maybe it's doing something you've always been dimly curious about—I learned pottery in a state of heartbreak, and it was pretty cool. Maybe it's a boxing class, or a movie.

    Try to think of it along those lines, instead of thinking that beneath that "read" is the cure to your pain, and you'll be on the right path. You'll be moving forward, regardless of how you're feeling, and the feelings will move too.
    Thanks bluecastle the bíggest thing for me has been accepting its over and the thought of her with someone else, well that kills. I'm trying to block those thoghts now. I keep telling myself if she wanted me she would make the effort and well, I've seen absolutely nothing from her so I have my answer. I'm an overthinker by nature so I hunk this is part of my problem.
    I'm busying myself with other things, anything in fact just to keep my mind occupied.

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