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Thread: The one that got away...I lost the love of my life

  1. #1

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    The one that got away...I lost the love of my life

    When I was in college 15 years ago, I fell madly in love with Scott. He was the president of a fraternity and massively popular, smart, and a great catch. I was a country girl, I didnít have the fancy make-up, hair, or clothes like most of the girls had. He grew up country also, so we had that in common.

    I always felt he was unattainable because I wasnít into the things (fashion, make-up, etc.) that the other girls were, so I kept my crush to myself. I also wasnít a size 4 like most of them were. I never felt like I was ďenoughĒ compared to them.

    My best friend was in love with one of the other guys in the fraternity so we ended up spending every weekend there so she could be with him. I had spent a lot of time with Scott in group settings but never alone. There were many times that he flirted with me, but I always thought he was doing it to be nice to me.

    One night he got me alone and told me that I was giving him ďmixed signalsĒ. I told him I did like him and things progressed to the next level. We kissed, and things were extremely intense and passionate. I felt connected to him and I was completely floored that my crushís feelings were mutual and things had manifested into reality.

    Reflecting back it was obvious he liked me, I just didnít see it. I could feel him watching me on several occasions, and I would turn around and he would be at the other end of the room watching me. It felt like we were soulmates. Prior to this I had been very subtle in my flirtations, not throwing myself at him, as I felt girls who did this were tacky. He was always unsure of where I was at.

    I wasnít playing hard to get, I just didnít know where he was at either, and was afraid of being too pushy and scaring him away. I had just come out of a bad breakup not long before this and was afraid of screwing things up. Anyway, after two years of being around him and finally having something real develop with him, we spent the evening together and he invited me up into his loft.

    We made it to third base. Heís an incredibly passionate man, and I wanted to be with him more than anything in this world. He wanted to make love and I did too. Except for one problem, I had my period that night. I completely froze, and told him we had to stop. He was really hurt. He didnít say a word to me and he went to sleep. I wanted so badly to tell him why but I froze up with embarrassment and I couldnít find the words.

    The next morning I had to go to the bathroom to take care of my period. Scott was still asleep. It was a shared bathroom. While I was there, I ran into my girlfriend who had been looking for me. She wanted a ride home as I had driven the night before. I wasnít able to go back to his room because of my friend needing a ride home. So he woke up alone and it appeared as if I had walked out and rejected him. He probably thought I was a tease.

    I planned to go back and apologize to him and explain everything. I went back later that night. I approached him in the hall. He saw me coming, put his head down and walked the other way. He wouldnít even speak to me. I was devastated. I went home and cried. It was over. He never sought me out again and all of my insecurities came back at full speed. I took a lot of blame for what happened and still do. I should have stayed until he woke up explained. But I didnít.

    I played these events over in my head a thousand times of what I could have done differently. Left him a note, sent him an email, called him. This was before the days of social media and we didnít have texting or smartphones.

    About a year after we graduated one of his friends invited me to one of their banquets. I went and he was there and saw me. The look he gave me was a cross between extreme pain and anger. It hurt me that he hated me.

    He started dating a beautiful woman not long after things between us ended. He married her and they have 3 beautiful children and he runs a successful business. I am also married with 3 children. I love my husband and family deeply. I just have deep regret and Iím not okay with him hating me.

    Recently some mutual friends posted some college pictures on social media and some of the pictures included him and I together. He shut down his social media after they were posted. He didnít block anyone, just shut it down. We were never friends on social media, I donít think he would allow that.

    I deeply deeply regret how things ended with him. It was a huge misunderstanding and he doesnít know why.

    Seeing the college pictures again sent me into a tailspin. All of the pent up emotions of how things ended 15 years ago came out. I cried it out for 2 days. I had repressed these feelings before and never really dealt with them. My husband knows and thinks Iím just depressed over a silly crush. 15 years later and Iím a crying mess just from seeing some pictures.

    Itís like Iím grieving this all over again. Trying to forget it and move on.

    Always tell the one that you love how you feel. Even if you might get hurt in the process. I didnít tell him enough, and due to some big misunderstandings, I lost something really good that I can never get back. I think about him but am trying to resolve this in my head and find peace with it.

    He will likely always hate me, and I am trying to find peace with that. Looking at our lives now I believe that fate kept us apart. I am doing things in my life I never imagined possible (in a good way) and this is my chosen path, and he has his chosen path. It doesnít make it hurt any less, but I wish him well.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    What is going on (or not happening) in your life now that makes this so depressing? Are you recently divorced, separated or ending a relationship? Have you been suffering from untreated bouts of depression? This isn't about whatever you can recall from 15 years ago, it's about whatever is happening right now. Address that.
    Originally Posted by Lisa78
    When I was in college 15 years ago
    Recently some mutual friends posted some college pictures on social media and some of the pictures included him and I together.
    Seeing the college pictures again sent me into a tailspin.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member Clio's Avatar
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    None of you were ready for an adult relationship back then. Both of you were too insecure and too immature for it to work out plus you were incompatible communication wise, hence things went south so easily. Had you been ready and compatible, communication would not have broken down to this extent.

    You need to stop blaming yourself. It was not meant to be. You two were incompatible, which is why it all went south so easily. You seriously need to take that crush off the pedestal. It was just about two kids who were too immature to resolve a simple misunderstanding and he failed at it as much as you did.

    I agree with the assessment that this is more about being unsatisfied with your current life rather than about him. You have a husband and a life of your own and you are on your chosen path. He is just a stranger and you are projecting to him all kinds of distorted notions fueled by insecurity when in reality you have no way of knowing what's really in his mind. For all we know, he might have shut down his social media for a totally unrelated reason e.g. he might be avoiding someone entirely different. The soap opera that your mind has created using random occurrences and events long gone is not to be treated as reality.

    Time to take the past off the pedestal. The truth of the matter is that you were incompatible in terms of communication, hence, things never took off. Time to focus on the present and address whatever you are really trying to escape from by idolizing a stranger from a past long gone.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    Live and learn. Both of you had a communication problem and you know you should've spoken up when you had your chance each and every time. Everyone in this world has regrets in one way or the other. You are not the only one. I'm sorry.

    Back then, both you and Scott were just kids, immature and it was a phase en route to both of your lives. People don't really grow up until after college years anyway.

    It's all in the past. If you want to rest your conscience, someday at a reunion, you can tell him in person or through mutual friends if you can contact . It was 15 years ago and both of you are married with children. I'm sure both of you are very preoccupied with your spouses and hectic family lives nowadays.

    Don't obsess over the past. Concentrate on building life long happiness with your husband and children. They need your undivided attention as opposed to dwelling on what could've been.

    There was a different plan for you and the plan (God's plan if you're religious), was for you to meet your husband and raise a family together. Cherish and savor every second and minute of your life because what you have already is priceless. You're just too blind to see it.

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  6. #5
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    I think you didnít leave him a note because you were insecure and figured it was better to be the leave-er instead of the leave-ee and I think he didnít ask you what happened because he didnít care enough. I donít think he would have tried to have sex with you that night if he really saw long term potential and he would have asked you why you needed to stop before having sex rather than just go cold. People who care about outcomes act in their own best interests. You cared more about saving face than communicating with him and he cared more about his ego and having sex than getting to know you as a potential girlfriend.
    And sure you were very young but I know of several couples who started dating in high school or college and have been married many years. It wasnít a match and he wasnít the one who got away. Happy couples often have stories about how one got violently ill on the first date or another called his date by the wrong name or how they met and had sex an hour later and that was the beginning of happily ever after.
    Count your blessings. You have so many. Good luck.

  7. #6
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    One night making out does not deserve this much attention 15 years later! In my opinion what you are describing was not a relationship and he was just a crush, not the love of your life.
    Maybe let him know what really happened that night, but not in person. As others have said, if he had cared enough he would have talked to you about it. If you can find him on social media again later on, and it would make you feel better, go ahead and let him know what happened. There is no need to talk to him face to face or to even add him as a friend. It was a one night thing and the rest might be just an ilussion you have created yourself.

    Best of luck.

  8. #7
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    Originally Posted by viv19
    One night making out does not deserve this much attention 15 years later! In my opinion what you are describing was not a relationship and he was just a crush, not the love of your life.
    Maybe let him know what really happened that night, but not in person. As others have said, if he had cared enough he would have talked to you about it. If you can find him on social media again later on, and it would make you feel better, go ahead and let him know what happened. There is no need to talk to him face to face or to even add him as a friend. It was a one night thing and the rest might be just an ilussion you have created yourself.

    Best of luck.
    I would not do this because now he is married with a family and she doesn't know who can see his social media - why put him in the awkward position with his wife or family to have to talk about some person from his past referring to a past sexual encounter?

  9. #8
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    Agreed. I wouldn't either, but if it seems like she's holding on to a feeling of guilt for not telling him. So it might be a quick way to tell him and it doesn't have to be explicit. Ths doesn't really seem to have much to do with him anyways, so telling him might just leave her without an excuse so she can finally concentrate on what really is bothering her.

  10. #9
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    Originally Posted by viv19
    Agreed. I wouldn't either, but if it seems like she's holding on to a feeling of guilt for not telling him. So it might be a quick way to tell him and it doesn't have to be explicit. Ths doesn't really seem to have much to do with him anyways, so telling him might just leave her without an excuse so she can finally concentrate on what really is bothering her.
    I don't think it's fair to interfere in his married life to unburden her guilt.

  11. 10-31-2019, 02:47 PM


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